Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami
“Thanks,” Sumire said. “I just want to lie here.”
Miu nodded and handed Sumire a fresh bath towel, took out a pair of her own clean pajamas from the dresser, and laid them beside Sumire. “You can use these. I don’t imagine you have another pair, do you?”
“Can I sleep here tonight?” Sumire asked.
“All right. Just go to sleep. I’ll sleep in your bed.”
“My bed must be soaked,” Sumire said. “The covers, everything. And I don’t want to be alone. Don’t leave me here. Would you sleep beside me? Just for tonight? I don’t want to have any more nightmares.”
Miu thought about it and nodded. “But first put on a pair of pajamas. I don’t think I’d like having somebody naked lying right next to me—especially in such a small bed.”
Sumire got up slowly and pushed back the covers. She stood up, still naked, and tugged on Miu’s pajamas. She leaned forward and slipped on the bottoms, then the top. It took some time to get the buttons all fastened. Her fingers wouldn’t work right. Miu didn’t help, just sat there watching. Sumire buttoned up the pajamas in such a deliberate way it struck Miu as an almost religious ceremony. The moonlight made her nipples look strangely hard.
She might be a virgin, Miu suddenly thought.
After putting on the silk pajamas, Sumire lay down again, on the far side of the bed. Miu got in next to her, where the scent of sweat remained strong.
“Can I,” Sumire began, “just hold you for a while?”
“Hold me?”
“Yes.”
While Miu wondered how to respond, Sumire reached out and clasped her hand. Her palm was still sweaty, warm and soft. She reached both hands behind Miu. Sumire’s breasts pushed against Miu, just above her stomach. Sumire pressed her cheek between Miu’s breasts. They remained that way for a long time. Sumire seemed to be shaking, ever so slightly. She must be crying, Miu thought. But it was as if she couldn’t let it all out. Miu reached around Sumire’s shoulder and drew her closer. She’s still a child, Miu thought. Lonely and frightened, she wants someone’s warmth. Like that kitten clinging to a pine branch.
Sumire shifted her body upward a bit. The tip of her nose brushed Miu’s neck. Their breasts pressed together. Miu gulped. Sumire’s hand wandered over her back.
“I really like you,” Sumire said in a small voice.
“I like you, too,” Miu said. She didn’t know what else to say. And it was the truth.
Sumire’s fingers started to unbutton the front of Miu’s pajamas. Miu tried to stop her. But Sumire wouldn’t stop. “Just a little,” Sumire said. “Just a little—please.”
Miu lay there unresisting. Sumire’s fingers gently traced the contours of Miu’s breasts. Sumire’s nose flickered back and forth at Miu’s throat. Sumire touched Miu’s nipple, stroked it gently, and held it between two fingers. Hesitantly at first, then more boldly.
Miu stopped speaking. She looked up, searchingly, at me. Her cheeks were slightly flushed.
“There’s something I need to explain to you. A long time ago I had a very unusual experience, and my hair turned pure white. Overnight, completely. Since then I’ve dyed my hair. Sumire knew I dyed my hair, and since it was too much trouble after we came to this island, I gave it up. Nobody knows me here, so it didn’t matter. But knowing you’d be coming, I dyed it again. I didn’t want to give you a strange first impression.”
Time flowed past in the ensuing silence.
I’ve never had a homosexual experience, and never considered I had those tendencies. But if that’s what Sumire really wanted, I thought I could oblige. At least I didn’t find it disgusting. As long as it was with Sumire, that is. So I didn’t resist when she started feeling me all over, or when she stuck her tongue inside my mouth. It felt strange, but I tried to get used to it. I let her do what she wanted. I like Sumire, and if it made her happy, I didn’t mind whatever she did.
“But my body and my mind are two different things. A part of me was happy that Sumire was caressing me so lovingly. But no matter how happy my mind was, my body resisted. My body wouldn’t yield to her. My heart and my head were aroused, but the rest of me was like a hard, dry stone. It’s sad, but I couldn’t help it. Of course Sumire picked up on that. Her body was flushed, and gently damp, but I couldn’t respond.
“I told her how I felt. ‘I’m not rejecting you,’ I said, ‘but I just can’t do that kind of thing.’ Ever since that happened to me, fourteen years ago, I haven’t been able to give myself physically to anyone in this world. It’s something that’s out of my hands, decided somewhere else. I told her that if there was anything I could do, you know, with my fingers, or mouth, I would. But that isn’t what she wanted. I knew that already.
She kissed me on the forehead and said she was sorry. ‘It’s just that I like you,’ she said. ‘I’ve worried about it for so long, and I had to try.’ ‘I like you, too,’ I told Sumire. ‘So don’t worry about it. I still want you to be with me.’
“As if a dam had burst, Sumire sobbed into her pillow for the longest time. I rubbed her bare back as she cried, from the top of her shoulder to her waist, feeling all her bones. I wanted to cry along with her, but I couldn’t.
“And it came to me then. That we were wonderful traveling companions but in the end no more than lonely lumps of metal in their own separate orbits. From far off they look like beautiful shooting stars, but in reality they’re nothing more than prisons, where each of us is locked up alone, going nowhere. When the orbits of these two satellites of ours happened to cross paths, we could be together. Maybe even open our hearts to each other. But that was only for the briefest moment. In the next instant we’d be in absolute solitude. Until we burned up and became nothing.
After crying her heart out, Sumire got up, picked up the pajamas that had fallen to the floor, and slipped them on,” Miu said. “She said she wanted to be alone and was going back to her room. ‘Don’t think too deeply about things,’ I told her. ‘Tomorrow’s a new day, things will work out just like before. You’ll see.’ ‘I guess so,’ Sumire said. She leaned over and held her cheek against mine. Her cheek was wet and warm. She whispered something in my ear, I think. But in such a small voice I couldn’t make it out. I was about to ask her what she said, but she’d already turned away.
Sumire wiped her tears away with the bath towel and left the room. The door closed, and I snuggled back under the covers and closed my eyes. After an experience like that, I figured it would be hard to sleep, but strangely enough I soon fell fast asleep.
“When I woke up at seven the next morning, Sumire was nowhere in the house. Perhaps she woke up early—or maybe never got back to sleep—and went to the beach by herself. She probably wanted to be alone for a while. It was odd that she didn’t even leave a note, but considering the night before, I figured she was still pretty upset and confused.
“I did the wash, hung out her bedding to dry, and sat on the veranda, reading, waiting for her to come back. The whole morning passed, and no Sumire. I was worried, so I looked through her room, even though I knew I shouldn’t. I was afraid maybe she’d left the island. But her bags were still open; her passport was still in her purse, her swimsuit and socks drying in a corner of her room. Coins, notepaper, and a bunch of keys lay scattered on her desk. One of the keys was for the front door of the cottage.
“It all felt weird to me. What I mean is whenever we went to the beach we always wore heavy sneakers and T-shirts over our swimsuits as we walked over the mountains. With our towels and mineral water in a canvas bag. But she’d left it all behind—the bag, shoes, and swimsuit. The only things missing were the pair of cheap sandals she’d bought at a neighborhood store and the pair of thin silk pajamas I’d lent her. Even if you only meant to take a walk around the neighborhood, you wouldn’t stay out long dressed like that, would you?
“In the afternoon I went out to scour the area for her. I made a couple of circuits nearby, went to the beach, then walked back and forth through the street
I explained everything to one of the policemen, one who spoke English. ‘The girl who was traveling with me disappeared,’ I told him, ‘and hasn’t been back for two nights.’ He didn’t take me seriously. ‘Your friend will be back,’ he said. ‘It happens all the time. Everyone lets their hair down here. It’s summer, they’re young, what do you expect?’ I went again the next day, and this time they paid a bit more attention. Not that they were going to do anything about it. I phoned the Japanese embassy in Athens and explained the situation. Thankfully, the person there was quite kind. He said something in no uncertain terms in Greek to the police chief, and the police finally started getting an investigation up and running.
“They simply had no clues. The police questioned people in the harbor and around our cottage, but no one had seen Sumire. The captain of the ferryboat, and the man who sold ferry tickets, had no recollection of any young Japanese girl getting on the boat in the last couple of days. Sumire must still be on the island. She didn’t have any money on her to buy a ticket in the first place. On this little island a young Japanese girl wandering about in pajamas wouldn’t escape people’s notice. The police questioned a German couple who’d been swimming for a long time that morning at the beach. They hadn’t seen any Japanese girl, either at the beach or on the road there. The police promised me they’d continue to do their best, and I think they did. But time passed without a single clue.”
Miu took a deep breath and half-covered her face with her hands.
“All I could do was call you in Tokyo and ask you to come. I was at my wits’ end.”
I pictured Sumire, alone, wandering the rugged hills in a pair of thin silk pj’s and beach sandals. “What color were the pajamas?” I asked.
“Color?” Miu said, a dubious look on her face.
“The pajamas Sumire was wearing when she disappeared.”
“What color were they? I’m not sure. I bought them in Milan and hadn’t worn them yet. A light color. Pale green, maybe? They were very lightweight, with no pockets.”
“I’d like you to call the embassy in Athens again and ask them to send somebody here. Insist on it. Then have the embassy contact Sumire’s parents. It’ll be hard on them, but you can’t keep it from them anymore.”
Miu gave a small nod.
“Sumire can be a little outrageous at times, as you know,” I said, “and she does the craziest things. But she wouldn’t leave for four days without a word. She’s not that irresponsible. She wouldn’t disappear unless there’s a very good reason. What reason, I don’t know, but it must be serious. Maybe she fell down a well out in the country, and she’s waiting for someone to rescue her. Maybe somebody kidnapped her. For all we know she could be murdered and buried somewhere. A young girl wandering at night in pajamas—anything could happen. At any rate, we’ve got to come up with a plan. But let’s sleep on it. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.”
“Do you think maybe . . . Sumire . . . killed herself?” Miu asked.
“We can’t rule that out. But she would have written a note. She wouldn’t have left everything scattered like this for you to pick up the pieces. She liked you, and I know she would consider your feelings.”
Arms folded, Miu looked at me for a while. “You really think so?”
I nodded. “Absolutely. That’s the way she is.”
“Thank you. That’s what I wanted to hear most.”
Miu led me to Sumire’s room. Devoid of decorations, the boxy room reminded me of a big cube. There was a small wooden bed, a writing desk, a closet, and a small dresser. At the foot of the desk was an average-size red suitcase. The front window was open to the hills beyond. On top of the desk was a brand-new Macintosh PowerBook.
“I’ve straightened up her things so you can sleep here.”
Left alone, I grew suddenly sleepy. It was nearly midnight. I undressed and got under the covers, but I couldn’t sleep. Until just a while ago, I thought, Sumire was sleeping in this bed. The excitement of the long trip reverberated in my body. I was struck by the illusion that I was on a journey without end.
In bed I reviewed everything Miu had told me, making a mental list of the important points. But my mind wouldn’t work. Systematic thought was beyond me. Leave it for tomorrow, I concluded. Out of the blue, the image came to me of Sumire’s tongue inside Miu’s mouth. Forget about it, I willed my brain. Leave that for tomorrow as well. But the chances of tomorrow being an improvement over today were, unfortunately, slim. Gloomy thoughts weren’t going to get me anywhere, I decided, and closed my eyes. I soon fell into a deep sleep.
CHAPTER 10
When I woke up, Miu was setting the table for breakfast out on the veranda. It was eight-thirty, and a brand-new sun was flooding the world with light. Miu and I sat down on the veranda and had breakfast, gazing at the bright sea as we ate. We had toast and eggs and coffee. Two white birds glided down the slope toward the coast. A radio was playing nearby, an announcer’s voice, speaking quickly, reading the news in Greek.
A strange jet-lag numbness filled my head. I couldn’t separate the boundary between what was real and what only seemed real. Here I was, on a small Greek island, sharing a meal with a beautiful older woman I’d met only the day before. This woman loved Sumire. But couldn’t feel any sexual desire for her. Sumire loved this woman and desired her. I loved Sumire and felt sexual desire for her. Sumire liked me but didn’t love me, and didn’t feel any desire for me. I felt sexual desire for a woman who will remain anonymous. But I didn’t love her. It was all so complicated, like something out of an existential play. Everything hit a dead end there, no alternatives left. And Sumire had exited stage right.
Miu refilled my empty coffee cup. I thanked her.
“You like Sumire, don’t you?” Miu asked me. “As a woman, I mean.”
I gave a slight nod as I buttered my toast. The butter was cold and hard, and it took some time to spread it on the bread. I looked up and added, “Of course that’s not something you necessarily can choose. It just happens.”
We continued eating breakfast in silence. The radio news ended, and Greek music started to play. The wind swelled up and shook the bougainvilleas. If you looked closely, you could make out whitecaps in the distance.
“I’ve given it a great deal of thought, and I think I should go to Athens right away,” Miu said, peeling an orange. “I’d probably get nowhere over the phone, so it’d be better if I went straight to the embassy and talked with them face-to-face. Maybe someone from the embassy will be willing to come back with me, or I might wait for Sumire’s parents to arrive in Athens and come back with them. At any rate, I’d like you to stay here as long as you can. The police might get in touch, and there’s always the possibility that Sumire will come back. Would you do that for me?”
Of course, I replied.
“I’m going to go to the police station again to check on the investigation, then charter a boat to take me to Rhodes. A round-trip to Athens takes time, so most likely I’ll get a hotel room and stay a couple of days.”
I nodded.
Miu finished peeling the orange and wiped it carefully with a napkin. “Have you ever met Sumire’s parents?”
I never have, I said.
Miu gave a sigh like the wind at the edge of the world. “I wonder how I’m going to explain it to them.”
I could understand her confusion. How can you explain the inexplicable?
Miu and I walked down to the harbor. She had a small bag with a change of clothes, wore leather high-heel shoes, and carried a Mila Schön shoulder bag. We stopped by the police station. We told them I was a relative of Miu’s who happened to be travelin
That might very well be true. But when it came to explaining Sumire’s disappearance, they had nothing to say.
“There’s a large limestone cave on the north shore of the island,” the policeman ventured. “If she wandered in there, maybe she couldn’t find her way out. It’s like a maze inside. But it’s very, very far away. A girl like that couldn’t have walked that far.”
Could she have drowned? I asked.
The policemen shook their heads. There’s no strong current around here, they said. And the weather this past week has been mild, the sea calm. Lots of fishermen go out to fish every day, and if the girl had drowned, one of them would have come across her body.
“What about wells?” I asked. “Couldn’t she have fallen in a deep well somewhere while she was out for a walk?”
The chief of police shook his head. “There aren’t any wells on the island. We have a lot of natural springs so there’s no need to dig any. Besides, the bedrock is hard and digging a well would be a major undertaking.”
After we left the police station, I told Miu I wanted to walk to the beach she and Sumire had frequented, if possible in the morning. She bought a simple map of the island at a kiosk and showed me the road; it takes forty-five minutes one way, she cautioned, so be sure to wear some sturdy shoes. She went to the harbor and, in a mixture of French and English, quickly concluded negotiations with the pilot of a small taxi boat to take her to Rhodes.
“If only we could have a happy ending,” Miu said as she left. But her eyes told another story. She knew that things didn’t work out that simply. And so did I. The boat’s engine started up, and she held down her hat with her left hand and waved to me with her right. When her boat disappeared offshore, I felt like my insides were missing a couple of parts. I wandered around the harbor for a while and bought some dark sunglasses at a souvenir shop. Then I climbed the steep stairs back to the cottage.