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Warning: is_file(): File name is longer than the maximum allowed path length on this platform (4096): <?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> <!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.1//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml11/DTD/xhtml11.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="zh-TW"> <head> <title>第十八章</title> <link href="stylesheet.css" type="text/css" rel="stylesheet" /> <link rel="stylesheet" type="application/vnd.adobe-page-template+xml" href="page-template.xpgt"/> </head> <body> <div> <h3>第十八章</h3><br /><br />  這是快樂的日子?還是痛苦的日子?是充滿了甜蜜?還是充滿了淒涼?珮青分析不出自己的感覺和情緒。但是,自從香檳廳的事件以後,她就把自己鎖在馨園裡,不再肯走出大門了,她深深的體會到,只有馨園,是屬於她的小天地和小世界,馨園以外,就全是輕蔑和責難──她並不灑脫,最起碼,她無法漠視自尊的傷害和侮辱。<br /><br />  整日關閉在一個小庭園裡並不是十分享受的事情,尤其當夢軒不在的時候。日子變得很長很長,期待的情緒就特別強烈。如果夢軒一連兩日不到馨園來,珮青就會陷在一種寥落的焦躁裡。不知從什麼時候起,她和夢軒兩人都失去了和平的心境,她發現自己變得挑剔了,挑剔夢軒到馨園來的時間太少,挑剔他沒有好好安排她,甚至懷疑他的熱情已經冷卻。夢軒呢?他也逐漸的沉默了,憂鬱了,而且易怒得像一座不穩定的火藥庫。<br /><br />  黃昏,有點雨濛濛的。花園裡,暮色加上細雨,就顯得特殊的蒼涼。夢軒當初買這個房子的時候,特別要個有樹木濃蔭的院落,如今,當珮青孤獨的佇立在窗口,就覺得這院子是太大了,大得淒涼,大得寂寞,倒有些像歐陽修的蝶戀花中的句子:<br /><br />  「庭院深深深幾許?楊柳堆煙,簾幕無重數──」<br /><br />  下面的句子是什麼?<br /><br />  「玉勒雕鞍遊冶處,樓高不見章臺路!」<br /><br />  他呢?夢軒呢?儘管沒有玉勒雕鞍,他也自有遊冶的地方。當然,他不是伯南,他不會到什麼壞地方去。可是,他會留戀在一個溫暖的家庭裡,融化在兒女的笑靨中和妻子的手臂裡,那會是一幅美麗的圖畫!珮青深吸了一口氣,閉上眼睛,把前額抵在窗櫺上。不!我沒有資格嫉妒,我是個闖入者,我對不起她,還有什麼資格吃醋呢?但是──但是──我如何去克制這種本能呢?她搖搖頭,夢軒,但願我能少愛你一點!但願我能!<br /><br />  暮色在樹葉梢頭瀰漫,漸漸地,漸漸地,顏色就越來越深了,那些雨絲全變成了蒼灰色,可是地上的小草還反映著水光,她仍然能在那濃重的暮色中辨出小草的瑩翠。幾點鐘了?她不知道,落寞得連表都不想看。但,她的知覺是醒覺的,側著耳朵,她在期盼著某種聲音,某種她所熟悉的汽車馬達和喇叭聲。雨點從院落外的街燈上滴下來,街燈亮了。幾點鐘了?她不知道。再閉上眼睛,她聽著自己的心跳;噗突,噗突,噗突──很有節奏的響著,夢軒,夢軒,夢軒──很有節奏的呼喚,心底的呼喚。不行,夢軒,你得來,你非來不可!我等待得要發瘋了,我全身每個細胞都在等待。夢軒,你得來,你非來不可!假如有心靈感應,你就會知道我要死了,我會在這種等待裡死掉,夢軒,你得來,你非來不可!<br /><br />  吳媽的腳步聲踩碎了她的凝想。<br /><br />  「小姐,你在做什麼?」<br /><br />  「哦,」她愣愣的轉過身子:「我不知道。」<br /><br />  吳媽看了珮青一眼,心裡有幾分嘀咕,上帝保佑我的好小姐吧,她怎麼又這樣恍恍惚惚了呢?如果她舊病復發,就再也沒有希望了。伸手打開了電燈開關,讓燈光趕走屋裡那種陰冷冷的鬼氣吧!「小姐,我開晚飯了,好不好?有你愛吃的蛋餃呢!」吳媽故作輕快的嚷著,想喚回珮青飛向窗外的魂魄。<br /><br />  「哦,晚飯!不,再等一會兒,說不定他會來呢,他已經好幾天沒有來了。」珮青癡癡的望著窗子。<br /><br />  「好幾天?小姐!他昨天早上才走的,不過是昨天一天沒來罷了。別等了,快七點鐘了呢,他要來早就來了!」<br /><br />  「不!我還要等一下。」珮青固執的說,用額頭重新抵著窗子,站得腿發麻。<br /><br />  夢軒,你得來,你非來不可,如果你今晚不來,我就再也不要理你了!夢軒,我是那樣那樣的想你!你不來我會恨你,恨死你,恨透你!現在幾點了?即使你來了,我也不理你了!我恨你!夢軒!但是,你來吧,只要你來!天黑透了,遠遠的碧潭水面,是一片迷濛。夢軒呢?夢軒在那兒?夢軒在那兒?<br /><br />  他在家裡,正像珮青所預料的,他在美嬋的身邊。將近半年的時間,他生活在美嬋和珮青之間,對他而言,是一種無法描述的生活。艷福不淺?齊人之福?怎樣的諷刺!他說不出心底的苦澀。許多時候,他寧願美嬋是個潑婦,跟他大吵大鬧,他就狠得下心來和她離婚。但是,美嬋不是,除了流淚之外,她只會絮絮叨叨的訴說:<br /><br />  「我有什麼不好?我給你生了個女兒,又給你生了個兒子,我不打牌,也不到外面玩,你為什麼不要我了?你如果還想要孩子,我再給你生,你何必討小老婆呢?」<br /><br />  美嬋!可憐的美嬋!思想簡單而毫無心機的美嬋!她並不是很重感情的,她混混沌沌的根本不太明白感情是什麼。但是,失去夢軒的恐懼卻使她迅速的憔悴下來,本來她有個紅潤丰腴的圓臉龐,幾個月間就變長了,消瘦了,蒼白了。這使夢軒內疚而心痛,對美嬋,他沒有那種如瘋如狂的愛情,也沒有那種心靈深處的契合及需求,可是,卻有份憐惜和愛護,這種感情並不強烈,卻如一條靜靜的小溪,綿邈悠長,涓涓不斷。<br /><br />  多少次,他對美嬋保證的說:<br /><br />  「你放心,我不會不要你的,也絕不會離開你的。」<br /><br />  但是,美嬋不相信這個,憑一種女性的本能,她多少也體會到夢軒即使在她身邊,心也在珮青那兒,再加上雅嬋灌輸給她的思想,和陶思賢的危言聳聽,對她早已構成一種嚴重的威脅。夢軒會遺棄她,夢軒會離開她,夢軒會置妻兒於不顧!<br /><br />  每當夢軒逗留在馨園的日子,她就會擁抱著一兒一女哭泣,對孩子們反覆的說:<br /><br />  「你們的爸爸不要你們了!你們沒有爸爸了!」<br /><br />  兩個孩子失去了歡笑,家庭中的低氣壓壓住了他們,那些童年的天真很快的被母親的眼淚所沖走。小楓已經到了一知半解的年齡,她不再用軟軟的小胳膊來歡迎她的父親,而代之以敵視的眼光,和恐懼懷疑的神情,這使夢軒心碎。小楓,他那顆善解人意的小珍珠!什麼時候變得有這麼一張冷漠而悲哀的小臉?<br /><br />  「小楓,明天我帶你出去玩,嗯?」他攬著女兒,勉強想提起她的興致:「帶你去動物園,好不好?」<br /><br />  小楓抬頭看了他一眼,大圓眼睛裡盛著早熟的憂鬱。<br /><br />  「媽媽也去嗎?」她輕輕的問。「媽媽不去,我就不去。」<br /><br />  他看看美嬋,美嬋的睫毛往下一垂,兩滴淚珠骨碌碌的從眼眶裡滾了出來。夢軒心中一緊,鼻子裡就沖進一股酸楚。美嬋向來是個樂天派的,嘻嘻哈哈的小婦人,現在竟成為一個終日以淚洗面的閨中怨婦!她有什麼過失?正像她自己說的,她有什麼不好?該遭遇到這些家庭的劇變?如果這裡面有人做錯了,只是他有錯,夏夢軒,他的罪孽深重!他打了個冷戰,下意識的把小楓攬緊了些,說:<br /><br />  「是的,媽媽也去,是嗎?美嬋?我們好久沒有全家出去玩過了,明天帶小楓小竹去動物園,我下午就回來,晚上去吃頓小館子,怎樣?」<br /><br />  美嬋沒說什麼,只是,帶淚的眸子裡閃過一抹意外的喜悅。這抹喜悅和她的眼淚同樣讓夢軒心痛。美嬋,這善良而單純的女人,他必須要待她親切些!<br /><br />  他這天沒去馨園,第二天也沒去。<br /><br />  第二天?多麼漫長的日子!珮青仰躺在床上,目光定定的看著天花板上那盞玻璃吊燈,那是由許許多多玻璃墜子所組成的,一大串又一大串,風吹過來會叮叮噹當響,搖搖晃晃的十分好看。一共有多少片小玻璃?她數過好幾次,卻沒有一次數清楚過。現在幾點了?她不知道。但她知道一件事,他今晚又不會回來了,用「回來」兩個字似乎不太對勁,這兒不是他的家,他另外有一個家,這裡只是馨園,是他的小公館。當然,自己不該有什麼不滿,當初她是心甘情願跟他來的──心甘情願組織這個愛的小巢,心甘情願投身在這段愛情裡面,心甘情願接受這一切;快樂、痛苦、以及煎熬。<br /><br />  但是他不該這樣冷落她,昨天的等待,今天的等待──這滋味有多苦!最起碼,他該打個電話給她,但是,她又多怕接到他的電話,來一句乾乾脆脆的:「珮青,我今晚不能回來──」那麼,她就連一絲希望都沒有了,有等待總比沒有等待好一些。他是不是也因為怕說這句話而不打電話回來?<br /><br />  她嘆息了一聲,瞪著吊燈的眼睛有些酸澀了。她用幾百種理由來責怪他的不歸,又用幾百種理由來原諒他!哦哦,夢軒,但願我能少愛你一點!黃昏的時候曾經刻意修飾過自己,「士為知己者死,女為悅己者容!」她妝扮自己只是為了他,而現在,沒什麼關係了。她打電話到他辦公廳裡去過,他整個下午都沒有上班,有應酬?還是和妻兒在一起?總之,已經過了晚餐的時間,他是多半不來了,又白白準備了他愛吃的涼拌粉皮和糖醋魚!<br /><br />  「小姐,」吳媽走了進未:「開飯了吧!」<br /><br />  「不,」她憂愁的轉過頭來:「我要再等一會兒!」<br /><br />  「噢,小姐呀,你不能這樣天天不吃晚飯的,」吳媽在圍裙裡搓著雙手:「夏先生也不會願意讓你這樣的呀!他不會高興你越變越瘦呀!小姐,來吃吧,夏先生如果回來,也一定吃過了,現在已經七點半鐘了。」<br /><br />  「我不想吃!」珮青懶懶的說,把頭深埋在枕頭裡,一頭濃髮披散在淺紫色的枕面上。<br /><br />  「小姐!」<br /><br />  「我真的不想吃!吳媽!」<br /><br />  吳媽想說什麼又咽了回去,搖搖頭,嘆口氣,自言自語的嘰哩咕嚕著,一面退出了房間。<br /><br />  「以前是那樣的,現在又是這樣的,我的好小姐,這怎麼辦才好呀!」<br /><br />  珮青繼續蜷縮在床上,腦子裡紛紛亂亂的全是夢軒的影子,被單上每個花紋裡有他,吊燈上每片玻璃中有他,摔摔頭,他還在,搖搖頭,他也在,閉上眼睛,他還在──哪兒都有他,也是哪兒都沒有他!<br /><br />  時間靜靜的滑過去,很靜,很靜。很慢,很慢。空氣似乎靜得不會流動了。驀然間,電話鈴驚人的響了起來,滿房間都激蕩著鈴聲。珮青像觸電般直跳了起來,他打電話來了!聽聽他的聲音,也比連聲音都聽不到好些!奔進了客廳,她握起了聽筒,聲音中帶著喘息的喜悅及哀怨:<br /><br />  「喂?夢軒?」<br /><br />  「夢軒?哈哈哈!聽不出我的聲音了?」<br /><br />  對方是個男人,但不是夢軒!珮青渾身的肌肉都僵硬了,血液都變冷了,腦子中轟然作響,牙齒立即嵌進了嘴唇裡。這聲音,很久遠很久遠以前的聲音,來自一百個世紀以前,來自地獄,來自被拋棄的世界裡!這是伯南!曾經宰割過她的生命、靈魂和感情的那個男人!他不會放過她,她早就知道他不會放過她!<br /><br />  「你好吧?珮青?」伯南的聲音裡帶著濃重的輕蔑和嘲諷:「你千方百計離開我,我以為你有多大的能耐呢,原來是做別人的姘頭?他包下你來的?給你多少錢一個月?不值得吧,珮青!他在你的身邊嗎?或者你願意到復興園來看看,你的那個深情的男人正和妻子兒女在大吃大喝呢!你不來看看他們多麼美滿?多麼親熱?你過得很甜蜜嗎?很幸福嗎?珮青?怎麼不和你選擇的男人在一起呢?或者,你只是個被藏在鄉下見不得人的東西!哈哈!你真聰明,聰明到極點了!如果你寂寞,我會常常打電話來問候你,我對你還舊情難忘呢!別詫異我怎麼知道你的電話號碼,我現在正和陶思賢合夥做生意──你悶得難過的話,不妨打電話給我,你這種小淫婦該是耐不住寂寞的──」<br /><br />  珮青的頭發昏,眼前的桌子椅子都在亂轉,她不知道自己為什麼不拋下聽筒,為什麼還要繼續聽下去,她的兩膝已經開始顫抖,渾身棉軟無力,但仍然機械化的聽著那些嘲笑和侮辱:「你有很高尚的靈魂?哈哈!珮青!你想不想知道別人對你的批評?你是個蕩婦!一個被錢所包下來的妓女,一個標準的寄生蟲!你除了給人做小老婆之外還能怎樣生活?你以為他愛你?來看看吧!看看他和他的太太多親熱,順便告訴你一句,他的太太是個小美人呢!你不過是他生活中的消遣品而已!好了,珮青,祝你快樂!我在復興園打電話給你,我正和朋友小吃,看到這麼美滿的一幅家庭圖,使我想起你這個寂寞的可憐蟲來了,忍不住打個電話給你!別蜷在沙發裡哭啊,哈哈!再見!甜心!」<br /><br />  電話掛斷了,珮青兩腿一軟,坐進了沙發裡,聽筒無力的落到電話機上。有好長的一段時間,她覺得整個思想和感情都麻麻木木的,直到嘴唇被咬得太重而痛楚起來。她下意識的用手摸摸嘴唇,眼睛直直的瞪著電話機。逐漸的,伯南所說的那些話就像錄音機播放一般在她腦中不斷的重複,一遍又一遍。她知道伯南恨透了她,當初離婚也是在程步雲逼迫下答應的,他不會放過機會來打擊她,更不會放過機會來侮辱她。但是,他說的話難道沒有幾分真實嗎?她是個寄生蟲!她是別人的姘頭!別人的小老婆!她也相信復興園裡正有一幅美滿的家庭圖!社會不會原諒她,人們不會說她追求的是一份美麗的感情,她是個蕩婦,是個淫婦!是個家庭的破壞者!是個社會的敗類,是個沒有靈魂和良心的女人!<br /><br />  她用手蒙住了臉,倒進沙發裡,彷彿聽到了四面八方對她的指責,看到伯南、陶思賢等人得意的笑臉,哈哈!許珮青!你以為你是個多麼高尚的人物!你不過是他生活中的消遣品而已──她猛的從沙發上坐了起來,身子挺得直直的。不,不,夢軒,不是的!從沒有人像你這樣愛我!這樣瞭解我!這樣深深的邁進我的心靈深處!我不是你的玩物,不是!不是!不是!她用手堵住嘴,啜泣起來,夢軒,我們相愛,人們相愛為什麼是過失?為什麼?<br /><br />  許久之後,珮青仍然沉坐在那沙發裡,「別蜷在沙發裡哭啊,哈哈!」她是蜷在沙發裡哭,她是一朵飄在大海里的小菱角花,她早已迷失了方向。夢軒,夢軒,我該怎麼辦呢?你真愛你的妻子兒女?她是個小美人,是嗎?消遣品?玩物?我?不!不!夢軒!她渾身痙攣,冷汗從額上冒了出來,夢軒,你得來,我要見你!我非見你不可!她的眼光落到電話機上。他家的電話號碼是多少?電話號碼簿上有,對了,在這兒!夢軒,我不管了,我要見你!<br /><br />  她撥了電話號碼,撥到夢軒的家裡。對面的鈴聲敲擊在她的心上,她緊張而慌亂,有人接電話了,是個女人!是她嗎?是他的妻子嗎?她口吃的說:<br /><br />  「請──請──夏先生聽電話。」<br /><br />  聽筒那邊有很多的人聲,雜著孩子的笑聲,似乎非常熱鬧。接電話的女人揚著聲音在喊:<br /><br />  「妹夫呀!你的電話,是個美麗的聲音呢!」<br /><br />  妹夫?那麼,是陶思賢的太太接的電話,陶思賢夫婦在他們家裡?她聽到那個女人尖銳的句子:<br /><br />  「這可不是步步高昇了?居然打到家裡來要人了呢!」<br /><br />  夢軒接起了聽筒,聲音急促而冷淡:<br /><br />  「喂,那一位?」<br /><br />  「夢軒,」她的手發著抖,聲音也發著抖:「你馬上來好嗎?我要見你!」<br /><br />  「有什麼事?你病了?」夢軒不安的語氣。<br /><br />  「不,沒有,只是我要見你。」<br /><br />  「我明天來,今晚不行。」夢軒的聲音十分勉強,顯然有所顧忌。<br /><br />  「夢軒──」她急急的喊,幾乎是哀求的:「請你──」<br /><br />  「我說不行,我有事!」夢軒打斷了她,有些不滿的說:「你不該打電話到這裡來。」<br /><br />  珮青咬緊嘴唇,顫抖的手再也握不牢聽筒,一句話也沒再說,她把聽筒放回電話機上,像發瘧疾似的渾身寒戰。蜷在沙發上,她抖得十分厲害,牙齒和牙齒都打著戰。是的,她沒有資格打電話到那邊去,她也沒有資格要夢軒到這兒來,他也不要來,他有個美滿的家庭──是的,是的,是的,她不該打電話到那邊去,她不該!她不該!她不該!她是自取其侮!她胸中的血液翻騰上湧,腦中像有一百個炸彈在陸續爆炸,顫巍巍的站起身來,她直著喉嚨喊:<br /><br />  「吳媽!吳媽!」<br /><br />  吳媽匆匆忙忙的跑出來,珮青的臉色使她嚇呆了,驚慌的衝過來,她扶住了珮青,問:<br /><br />  「你怎麼了?小姐?」<br /><br />  「我要出去,」珮青喘息著:「我馬上要出去!」<br /><br />  「現在嗎?」吳媽詫異的瞪著她:「你生病了,小姐,你的手冷得像冰一樣!你現在不能出去,已經快十點鐘了。」<br /><br />  「我要出去,你別管我!」珮青說,立即打電話叫了一部計程車。「我出去之後再也不回來了!」<br /><br />  「什麼!小姐?」吳媽的眼睛瞪得好大好大:「你是真的生病了!你一定在發燒!」<br /><br />  「我沒有!」珮青向門口走去,她的步伐歪斜而不穩:「告訴他我走了!告訴他我不再回來了!告訴他──」她的嘴唇顫抖:「我不破壞他的幸福家庭!」<br /><br />  「小姐!你不能走!小姐!」吳媽追到大門口來,焦灼的喊著,她不敢攔阻珮青,醫生曾經警告過不能違拗她。「小姐,這麼晚了,你到那裡去呀?」<br /><br />  珮青鑽進了計程車,吳媽徒勞的在大門口跳著腳,車子絕塵而去了,留下一股煙塵。吳媽呆站在門口,眼睜睜的望著那條長長的柏油路,嘴裡反反覆覆的喃喃自語:<br /><br />  「我的好小姐呀!我的好小姐呀!我的好小姐呀!」<br /><br />  夢軒接到珮青電話的時候,正是心中最煩惱的時候,陶思賢又來了,開口就是十萬元!正像夢軒所預料的,這成了一個無底洞,他討厭陶思賢那胸有成竹的笑容,討厭他假意的恭維,但是,他卻不能不敷衍他。這天早上,張經理曾經把最近幾個月的帳冊捧來和他研究,吞吞吐吐的暗示夢軒私人透支了過多的款項,使得公司不得不放棄幾筆生意。他正在火頭上,陶思賢又來要錢!事業,家庭,和愛情,成為互相抵觸的三件事,而他的生命就建築在這三件事上!幾個月來,他所面臨的重重問題,和重重矛盾,使他的神經緊張得即將崩潰!<br /><br />  珮青的電話來的時候,陶思賢臉上立即掠過一個得意的笑,雅嬋尖聲的叫嚷著,顯然刺激了美嬋的安寧。這使夢軒憤怒而不安,他生陶思賢的氣,他生雅嬋的氣,他也氣珮青多此一舉,好好的打什麼電話?更給別人破壞的把柄!在氣憤、沮喪、和倉促之中,他沒有考慮到珮青的心理狀況。但是,當珮青猝然的掛斷了電話,他立即覺得不對了,一連「喂」了好幾聲,他心中湧起一陣強烈的不安,當時的第一個衝動,是再打過去。可是,他接觸到陶思賢的眼光,又接觸到美嬋窺探而憂愁的眸子,他放下了電話,等一會兒吧,等到夜深人靜的時候,他再打電話給她,再向她解釋。<br /><br />  深夜,當美嬋和孩子們都睡了,他悄悄的披衣下床,撥了一個電話到馨園。鈴響了很久,然後才有人來接,是心慌意亂的老吳媽:「夏先生,是你嗎?不好了,你趕快回來,我們小姐走了!」<br /><br />  「什麼?」夢軒心驚肉跳:「你說什麼?」<br /><br />  「小姐走掉了,」吳媽哭了起來:「她說她不再回來了,她說她不破壞你的幸福家庭!」<br /><br />  「什麼?吳媽?你怎麼讓她走?」夢軒大叫:「她到哪裡去了?什麼時候走的?」<br /><br />  「晚上十點多鐘,她的臉色很難看,她很傷心的樣子,我不知道她到哪裡去了!」<br /><br />  夢軒拋下了聽筒!慌亂的站起身來,不不,珮青,你怎麼可以這樣?你能走到那裡去?你對這個世界連一分一毫都不認識!離開我?珮青!你怎麼這樣傻?不!不!珮青!你一定誤會了我!珮青!珮青!他匆忙的穿上衣服,衝出大門,感到如同萬箭鑽心,百脈翻騰。<br /><br />  美嬋被驚醒了,追到大門口來,她喊著說:「夢軒!半夜三更的,你到那裡去?」<br /><br />  「我有事!」夢軒頭也不回的說,發動了汽車。車子如脫弦之箭,立即衝得老遠老遠。<br /><br />  「他走了!」美嬋把頭靠在門框上,眼淚立即湧了上來,「這樣深更半夜,他還是要去找她!他心裡只有她,只有她一個,他會永遠離開我了。」<br /><br />  「媽媽!媽媽!」小楓也被驚醒了,揉著惺忪的眼睛摸到門口來:「你在做什麼?媽媽?爸爸那裡去了?」<br /><br />  「他走了!他不要我們了!」美嬋說,猛然抱住小楓,哇的一聲哭了出來:「小楓,小楓,你沒有爸爸了!」<br /><br />  小楓呆愣愣的站著,大睜著她那不解人間憂愁的、無邪的眸子,望著這個她所不瞭解的世界。</div></body></html> in /var/www/vhosts/enjoyreadinghour.com/zh.enjoyreadinghour.com/eKatab/REST.class.php on line 799
紫貝殼

紫貝殼 線上小說閱讀

第十八章



  這是快樂的日子?還是痛苦的日子?是充滿了甜蜜?還是充滿了淒涼?珮青分析不出自己的感覺和情緒。但是,自從香檳廳的事件以後,她就把自己鎖在馨園裡,不再肯走出大門了,她深深的體會到,只有馨園,是屬於她的小天地和小世界,馨園以外,就全是輕蔑和責難──她並不灑脫,最起碼,她無法漠視自尊的傷害和侮辱。

  整日關閉在一個小庭園裡並不是十分享受的事情,尤其當夢軒不在的時候。日子變得很長很長,期待的情緒就特別強烈。如果夢軒一連兩日不到馨園來,珮青就會陷在一種寥落的焦躁裡。不知從什麼時候起,她和夢軒兩人都失去了和平的心境,她發現自己變得挑剔了,挑剔夢軒到馨園來的時間太少,挑剔他沒有好好安排她,甚至懷疑他的熱情已經冷卻。夢軒呢?他也逐漸的沉默了,憂鬱了,而且易怒得像一座不穩定的火藥庫。

  黃昏,有點雨濛濛的。花園裡,暮色加上細雨,就顯得特殊的蒼涼。夢軒當初買這個房子的時候,特別要個有樹木濃蔭的院落,如今,當珮青孤獨的佇立在窗口,就覺得這院子是太大了,大得淒涼,大得寂寞,倒有些像歐陽修的蝶戀花中的句子:

  「庭院深深深幾許?楊柳堆煙,簾幕無重數──」

  下面的句子是什麼?

  「玉勒雕鞍遊冶處,樓高不見章臺路!」

  他呢?夢軒呢?儘管沒有玉勒雕鞍,他也自有遊冶的地方。當然,他不是伯南,他不會到什麼壞地方去。可是,他會留戀在一個溫暖的家庭裡,融化在兒女的笑靨中和妻子的手臂裡,那會是一幅美麗的圖畫!珮青深吸了一口氣,閉上眼睛,把前額抵在窗櫺上。不!我沒有資格嫉妒,我是個闖入者,我對不起她,還有什麼資格吃醋呢?但是──但是──我如何去克制這種本能呢?她搖搖頭,夢軒,但願我能少愛你一點!但願我能!

  暮色在樹葉梢頭瀰漫,漸漸地,漸漸地,顏色就越來越深了,那些雨絲全變成了蒼灰色,可是地上的小草還反映著水光,她仍然能在那濃重的暮色中辨出小草的瑩翠。幾點鐘了?她不知道,落寞得連表都不想看。但,她的知覺是醒覺的,側著耳朵,她在期盼著某種聲音,某種她所熟悉的汽車馬達和喇叭聲。雨點從院落外的街燈上滴下來,街燈亮了。幾點鐘了?她不知道。再閉上眼睛,她聽著自己的心跳;噗突,噗突,噗突──很有節奏的響著,夢軒,夢軒,夢軒──很有節奏的呼喚,心底的呼喚。不行,夢軒,你得來,你非來不可!我等待得要發瘋了,我全身每個細胞都在等待。夢軒,你得來,你非來不可!假如有心靈感應,你就會知道我要死了,我會在這種等待裡死掉,夢軒,你得來,你非來不可!

  吳媽的腳步聲踩碎了她的凝想。

  「小姐,你在做什麼?」

  「哦,」她愣愣的轉過身子:「我不知道。」

  吳媽看了珮青一眼,心裡有幾分嘀咕,上帝保佑我的好小姐吧,她怎麼又這樣恍恍惚惚了呢?如果她舊病復發,就再也沒有希望了。伸手打開了電燈開關,讓燈光趕走屋裡那種陰冷冷的鬼氣吧!「小姐,我開晚飯了,好不好?有你愛吃的蛋餃呢!」吳媽故作輕快的嚷著,想喚回珮青飛向窗外的魂魄。

  「哦,晚飯!不,再等一會兒,說不定他會來呢,他已經好幾天沒有來了。」珮青癡癡的望著窗子。

  「好幾天?小姐!他昨天早上才走的,不過是昨天一天沒來罷了。別等了,快七點鐘了呢,他要來早就來了!」

  「不!我還要等一下。」珮青固執的說,用額頭重新抵著窗子,站得腿發麻。

  夢軒,你得來,你非來不可,如果你今晚不來,我就再也不要理你了!夢軒,我是那樣那樣的想你!你不來我會恨你,恨死你,恨透你!現在幾點了?即使你來了,我也不理你了!我恨你!夢軒!但是,你來吧,只要你來!天黑透了,遠遠的碧潭水面,是一片迷濛。夢軒呢?夢軒在那兒?夢軒在那兒?

  他在家裡,正像珮青所預料的,他在美嬋的身邊。將近半年的時間,他生活在美嬋和珮青之間,對他而言,是一種無法描述的生活。艷福不淺?齊人之福?怎樣的諷刺!他說不出心底的苦澀。許多時候,他寧願美嬋是個潑婦,跟他大吵大鬧,他就狠得下心來和她離婚。但是,美嬋不是,除了流淚之外,她只會絮絮叨叨的訴說:

  「我有什麼不好?我給你生了個女兒,又給你生了個兒子,我不打牌,也不到外面玩,你為什麼不要我了?你如果還想要孩子,我再給你生,你何必討小老婆呢?」

  美嬋!可憐的美嬋!思想簡單而毫無心機的美嬋!她並不是很重感情的,她混混沌沌的根本不太明白感情是什麼。但是,失去夢軒的恐懼卻使她迅速的憔悴下來,本來她有個紅潤丰腴的圓臉龐,幾個月間就變長了,消瘦了,蒼白了。這使夢軒內疚而心痛,對美嬋,他沒有那種如瘋如狂的愛情,也沒有那種心靈深處的契合及需求,可是,卻有份憐惜和愛護,這種感情並不強烈,卻如一條靜靜的小溪,綿邈悠長,涓涓不斷。

  多少次,他對美嬋保證的說:

  「你放心,我不會不要你的,也絕不會離開你的。」

  但是,美嬋不相信這個,憑一種女性的本能,她多少也體會到夢軒即使在她身邊,心也在珮青那兒,再加上雅嬋灌輸給她的思想,和陶思賢的危言聳聽,對她早已構成一種嚴重的威脅。夢軒會遺棄她,夢軒會離開她,夢軒會置妻兒於不顧!

  每當夢軒逗留在馨園的日子,她就會擁抱著一兒一女哭泣,對孩子們反覆的說:

  「你們的爸爸不要你們了!你們沒有爸爸了!」

  兩個孩子失去了歡笑,家庭中的低氣壓壓住了他們,那些童年的天真很快的被母親的眼淚所沖走。小楓已經到了一知半解的年齡,她不再用軟軟的小胳膊來歡迎她的父親,而代之以敵視的眼光,和恐懼懷疑的神情,這使夢軒心碎。小楓,他那顆善解人意的小珍珠!什麼時候變得有這麼一張冷漠而悲哀的小臉?

  「小楓,明天我帶你出去玩,嗯?」他攬著女兒,勉強想提起她的興致:「帶你去動物園,好不好?」

  小楓抬頭看了他一眼,大圓眼睛裡盛著早熟的憂鬱。

  「媽媽也去嗎?」她輕輕的問。「媽媽不去,我就不去。」

  他看看美嬋,美嬋的睫毛往下一垂,兩滴淚珠骨碌碌的從眼眶裡滾了出來。夢軒心中一緊,鼻子裡就沖進一股酸楚。美嬋向來是個樂天派的,嘻嘻哈哈的小婦人,現在竟成為一個終日以淚洗面的閨中怨婦!她有什麼過失?正像她自己說的,她有什麼不好?該遭遇到這些家庭的劇變?如果這裡面有人做錯了,只是他有錯,夏夢軒,他的罪孽深重!他打了個冷戰,下意識的把小楓攬緊了些,說:

  「是的,媽媽也去,是嗎?美嬋?我們好久沒有全家出去玩過了,明天帶小楓小竹去動物園,我下午就回來,晚上去吃頓小館子,怎樣?」

  美嬋沒說什麼,只是,帶淚的眸子裡閃過一抹意外的喜悅。這抹喜悅和她的眼淚同樣讓夢軒心痛。美嬋,這善良而單純的女人,他必須要待她親切些!

  他這天沒去馨園,第二天也沒去。

  第二天?多麼漫長的日子!珮青仰躺在床上,目光定定的看著天花板上那盞玻璃吊燈,那是由許許多多玻璃墜子所組成的,一大串又一大串,風吹過來會叮叮噹當響,搖搖晃晃的十分好看。一共有多少片小玻璃?她數過好幾次,卻沒有一次數清楚過。現在幾點了?她不知道。但她知道一件事,他今晚又不會回來了,用「回來」兩個字似乎不太對勁,這兒不是他的家,他另外有一個家,這裡只是馨園,是他的小公館。當然,自己不該有什麼不滿,當初她是心甘情願跟他來的──心甘情願組織這個愛的小巢,心甘情願投身在這段愛情裡面,心甘情願接受這一切;快樂、痛苦、以及煎熬。

  但是他不該這樣冷落她,昨天的等待,今天的等待──這滋味有多苦!最起碼,他該打個電話給她,但是,她又多怕接到他的電話,來一句乾乾脆脆的:「珮青,我今晚不能回來──」那麼,她就連一絲希望都沒有了,有等待總比沒有等待好一些。他是不是也因為怕說這句話而不打電話回來?

  她嘆息了一聲,瞪著吊燈的眼睛有些酸澀了。她用幾百種理由來責怪他的不歸,又用幾百種理由來原諒他!哦哦,夢軒,但願我能少愛你一點!黃昏的時候曾經刻意修飾過自己,「士為知己者死,女為悅己者容!」她妝扮自己只是為了他,而現在,沒什麼關係了。她打電話到他辦公廳裡去過,他整個下午都沒有上班,有應酬?還是和妻兒在一起?總之,已經過了晚餐的時間,他是多半不來了,又白白準備了他愛吃的涼拌粉皮和糖醋魚!

  「小姐,」吳媽走了進未:「開飯了吧!」

  「不,」她憂愁的轉過頭來:「我要再等一會兒!」

  「噢,小姐呀,你不能這樣天天不吃晚飯的,」吳媽在圍裙裡搓著雙手:「夏先生也不會願意讓你這樣的呀!他不會高興你越變越瘦呀!小姐,來吃吧,夏先生如果回來,也一定吃過了,現在已經七點半鐘了。」

  「我不想吃!」珮青懶懶的說,把頭深埋在枕頭裡,一頭濃髮披散在淺紫色的枕面上。

  「小姐!」

  「我真的不想吃!吳媽!」

  吳媽想說什麼又咽了回去,搖搖頭,嘆口氣,自言自語的嘰哩咕嚕著,一面退出了房間。

  「以前是那樣的,現在又是這樣的,我的好小姐,這怎麼辦才好呀!」

  珮青繼續蜷縮在床上,腦子裡紛紛亂亂的全是夢軒的影子,被單上每個花紋裡有他,吊燈上每片玻璃中有他,摔摔頭,他還在,搖搖頭,他也在,閉上眼睛,他還在──哪兒都有他,也是哪兒都沒有他!

  時間靜靜的滑過去,很靜,很靜。很慢,很慢。空氣似乎靜得不會流動了。驀然間,電話鈴驚人的響了起來,滿房間都激蕩著鈴聲。珮青像觸電般直跳了起來,他打電話來了!聽聽他的聲音,也比連聲音都聽不到好些!奔進了客廳,她握起了聽筒,聲音中帶著喘息的喜悅及哀怨:

  「喂?夢軒?」

  「夢軒?哈哈哈!聽不出我的聲音了?」

  對方是個男人,但不是夢軒!珮青渾身的肌肉都僵硬了,血液都變冷了,腦子中轟然作響,牙齒立即嵌進了嘴唇裡。這聲音,很久遠很久遠以前的聲音,來自一百個世紀以前,來自地獄,來自被拋棄的世界裡!這是伯南!曾經宰割過她的生命、靈魂和感情的那個男人!他不會放過她,她早就知道他不會放過她!

  「你好吧?珮青?」伯南的聲音裡帶著濃重的輕蔑和嘲諷:「你千方百計離開我,我以為你有多大的能耐呢,原來是做別人的姘頭?他包下你來的?給你多少錢一個月?不值得吧,珮青!他在你的身邊嗎?或者你願意到復興園來看看,你的那個深情的男人正和妻子兒女在大吃大喝呢!你不來看看他們多麼美滿?多麼親熱?你過得很甜蜜嗎?很幸福嗎?珮青?怎麼不和你選擇的男人在一起呢?或者,你只是個被藏在鄉下見不得人的東西!哈哈!你真聰明,聰明到極點了!如果你寂寞,我會常常打電話來問候你,我對你還舊情難忘呢!別詫異我怎麼知道你的電話號碼,我現在正和陶思賢合夥做生意──你悶得難過的話,不妨打電話給我,你這種小淫婦該是耐不住寂寞的──」

  珮青的頭發昏,眼前的桌子椅子都在亂轉,她不知道自己為什麼不拋下聽筒,為什麼還要繼續聽下去,她的兩膝已經開始顫抖,渾身棉軟無力,但仍然機械化的聽著那些嘲笑和侮辱:「你有很高尚的靈魂?哈哈!珮青!你想不想知道別人對你的批評?你是個蕩婦!一個被錢所包下來的妓女,一個標準的寄生蟲!你除了給人做小老婆之外還能怎樣生活?你以為他愛你?來看看吧!看看他和他的太太多親熱,順便告訴你一句,他的太太是個小美人呢!你不過是他生活中的消遣品而已!好了,珮青,祝你快樂!我在復興園打電話給你,我正和朋友小吃,看到這麼美滿的一幅家庭圖,使我想起你這個寂寞的可憐蟲來了,忍不住打個電話給你!別蜷在沙發裡哭啊,哈哈!再見!甜心!」

  電話掛斷了,珮青兩腿一軟,坐進了沙發裡,聽筒無力的落到電話機上。有好長的一段時間,她覺得整個思想和感情都麻麻木木的,直到嘴唇被咬得太重而痛楚起來。她下意識的用手摸摸嘴唇,眼睛直直的瞪著電話機。逐漸的,伯南所說的那些話就像錄音機播放一般在她腦中不斷的重複,一遍又一遍。她知道伯南恨透了她,當初離婚也是在程步雲逼迫下答應的,他不會放過機會來打擊她,更不會放過機會來侮辱她。但是,他說的話難道沒有幾分真實嗎?她是個寄生蟲!她是別人的姘頭!別人的小老婆!她也相信復興園裡正有一幅美滿的家庭圖!社會不會原諒她,人們不會說她追求的是一份美麗的感情,她是個蕩婦,是個淫婦!是個家庭的破壞者!是個社會的敗類,是個沒有靈魂和良心的女人!

  她用手蒙住了臉,倒進沙發裡,彷彿聽到了四面八方對她的指責,看到伯南、陶思賢等人得意的笑臉,哈哈!許珮青!你以為你是個多麼高尚的人物!你不過是他生活中的消遣品而已──她猛的從沙發上坐了起來,身子挺得直直的。不,不,夢軒,不是的!從沒有人像你這樣愛我!這樣瞭解我!這樣深深的邁進我的心靈深處!我不是你的玩物,不是!不是!不是!她用手堵住嘴,啜泣起來,夢軒,我們相愛,人們相愛為什麼是過失?為什麼?

  許久之後,珮青仍然沉坐在那沙發裡,「別蜷在沙發裡哭啊,哈哈!」她是蜷在沙發裡哭,她是一朵飄在大海里的小菱角花,她早已迷失了方向。夢軒,夢軒,我該怎麼辦呢?你真愛你的妻子兒女?她是個小美人,是嗎?消遣品?玩物?我?不!不!夢軒!她渾身痙攣,冷汗從額上冒了出來,夢軒,你得來,我要見你!我非見你不可!她的眼光落到電話機上。他家的電話號碼是多少?電話號碼簿上有,對了,在這兒!夢軒,我不管了,我要見你!

  她撥了電話號碼,撥到夢軒的家裡。對面的鈴聲敲擊在她的心上,她緊張而慌亂,有人接電話了,是個女人!是她嗎?是他的妻子嗎?她口吃的說:

  「請──請──夏先生聽電話。」

  聽筒那邊有很多的人聲,雜著孩子的笑聲,似乎非常熱鬧。接電話的女人揚著聲音在喊:

  「妹夫呀!你的電話,是個美麗的聲音呢!」

  妹夫?那麼,是陶思賢的太太接的電話,陶思賢夫婦在他們家裡?她聽到那個女人尖銳的句子:

  「這可不是步步高昇了?居然打到家裡來要人了呢!」

  夢軒接起了聽筒,聲音急促而冷淡:

  「喂,那一位?」

  「夢軒,」她的手發著抖,聲音也發著抖:「你馬上來好嗎?我要見你!」

  「有什麼事?你病了?」夢軒不安的語氣。

  「不,沒有,只是我要見你。」

  「我明天來,今晚不行。」夢軒的聲音十分勉強,顯然有所顧忌。

  「夢軒──」她急急的喊,幾乎是哀求的:「請你──」

  「我說不行,我有事!」夢軒打斷了她,有些不滿的說:「你不該打電話到這裡來。」

  珮青咬緊嘴唇,顫抖的手再也握不牢聽筒,一句話也沒再說,她把聽筒放回電話機上,像發瘧疾似的渾身寒戰。蜷在沙發上,她抖得十分厲害,牙齒和牙齒都打著戰。是的,她沒有資格打電話到那邊去,她也沒有資格要夢軒到這兒來,他也不要來,他有個美滿的家庭──是的,是的,是的,她不該打電話到那邊去,她不該!她不該!她不該!她是自取其侮!她胸中的血液翻騰上湧,腦中像有一百個炸彈在陸續爆炸,顫巍巍的站起身來,她直著喉嚨喊:

  「吳媽!吳媽!」

  吳媽匆匆忙忙的跑出來,珮青的臉色使她嚇呆了,驚慌的衝過來,她扶住了珮青,問:

  「你怎麼了?小姐?」

  「我要出去,」珮青喘息著:「我馬上要出去!」

  「現在嗎?」吳媽詫異的瞪著她:「你生病了,小姐,你的手冷得像冰一樣!你現在不能出去,已經快十點鐘了。」

  「我要出去,你別管我!」珮青說,立即打電話叫了一部計程車。「我出去之後再也不回來了!」

  「什麼!小姐?」吳媽的眼睛瞪得好大好大:「你是真的生病了!你一定在發燒!」

  「我沒有!」珮青向門口走去,她的步伐歪斜而不穩:「告訴他我走了!告訴他我不再回來了!告訴他──」她的嘴唇顫抖:「我不破壞他的幸福家庭!」

  「小姐!你不能走!小姐!」吳媽追到大門口來,焦灼的喊著,她不敢攔阻珮青,醫生曾經警告過不能違拗她。「小姐,這麼晚了,你到那裡去呀?」

  珮青鑽進了計程車,吳媽徒勞的在大門口跳著腳,車子絕塵而去了,留下一股煙塵。吳媽呆站在門口,眼睜睜的望著那條長長的柏油路,嘴裡反反覆覆的喃喃自語:

  「我的好小姐呀!我的好小姐呀!我的好小姐呀!」

  夢軒接到珮青電話的時候,正是心中最煩惱的時候,陶思賢又來了,開口就是十萬元!正像夢軒所預料的,這成了一個無底洞,他討厭陶思賢那胸有成竹的笑容,討厭他假意的恭維,但是,他卻不能不敷衍他。這天早上,張經理曾經把最近幾個月的帳冊捧來和他研究,吞吞吐吐的暗示夢軒私人透支了過多的款項,使得公司不得不放棄幾筆生意。他正在火頭上,陶思賢又來要錢!事業,家庭,和愛情,成為互相抵觸的三件事,而他的生命就建築在這三件事上!幾個月來,他所面臨的重重問題,和重重矛盾,使他的神經緊張得即將崩潰!

  珮青的電話來的時候,陶思賢臉上立即掠過一個得意的笑,雅嬋尖聲的叫嚷著,顯然刺激了美嬋的安寧。這使夢軒憤怒而不安,他生陶思賢的氣,他生雅嬋的氣,他也氣珮青多此一舉,好好的打什麼電話?更給別人破壞的把柄!在氣憤、沮喪、和倉促之中,他沒有考慮到珮青的心理狀況。但是,當珮青猝然的掛斷了電話,他立即覺得不對了,一連「喂」了好幾聲,他心中湧起一陣強烈的不安,當時的第一個衝動,是再打過去。可是,他接觸到陶思賢的眼光,又接觸到美嬋窺探而憂愁的眸子,他放下了電話,等一會兒吧,等到夜深人靜的時候,他再打電話給她,再向她解釋。

  深夜,當美嬋和孩子們都睡了,他悄悄的披衣下床,撥了一個電話到馨園。鈴響了很久,然後才有人來接,是心慌意亂的老吳媽:「夏先生,是你嗎?不好了,你趕快回來,我們小姐走了!」

  「什麼?」夢軒心驚肉跳:「你說什麼?」

  「小姐走掉了,」吳媽哭了起來:「她說她不再回來了,她說她不破壞你的幸福家庭!」

  「什麼?吳媽?你怎麼讓她走?」夢軒大叫:「她到哪裡去了?什麼時候走的?」

  「晚上十點多鐘,她的臉色很難看,她很傷心的樣子,我不知道她到哪裡去了!」

  夢軒拋下了聽筒!慌亂的站起身來,不不,珮青,你怎麼可以這樣?你能走到那裡去?你對這個世界連一分一毫都不認識!離開我?珮青!你怎麼這樣傻?不!不!珮青!你一定誤會了我!珮青!珮青!他匆忙的穿上衣服,衝出大門,感到如同萬箭鑽心,百脈翻騰。

  美嬋被驚醒了,追到大門口來,她喊著說:「夢軒!半夜三更的,你到那裡去?」

  「我有事!」夢軒頭也不回的說,發動了汽車。車子如脫弦之箭,立即衝得老遠老遠。

  「他走了!」美嬋把頭靠在門框上,眼淚立即湧了上來,「這樣深更半夜,他還是要去找她!他心裡只有她,只有她一個,他會永遠離開我了。」

  「媽媽!媽媽!」小楓也被驚醒了,揉著惺忪的眼睛摸到門口來:「你在做什麼?媽媽?爸爸那裡去了?」

  「他走了!他不要我們了!」美嬋說,猛然抱住小楓,哇的一聲哭了出來:「小楓,小楓,你沒有爸爸了!」

  小楓呆愣愣的站著,大睜著她那不解人間憂愁的、無邪的眸子,望著這個她所不瞭解的世界。

紫貝殼 - 目錄