A Glimpse of the Dream by L. A. Fiore
I needed to tell Mrs. Marks I wouldn’t be coming home the following week for the holiday, so I made that call first; it was the easier of the two. She answered on the second ring. “Teagan, I was just thinking about you. When is your flight?”
My throat actually hurt from the tears that wanted to fall. “I’m not going to make it home. My professor is offering an extra study session on the Friday after Thanksgiving, and I really need to go.”
“Oh. Are you sure you can’t just come for the day?”
I could. I’d thought about it, but I knew if I went for just the day, I wouldn’t want to come back. I’d blow off the study session, and I couldn’t afford to do that. “I really want to be with you, but I know myself well enough that if I come home, I won’t come back for the session.”
“Have you told Kane?”
“He’s my next call.”
“We’ll miss you. What will you do about eating?”
“One of the dining halls is staying open for the students, mostly foreign, who aren’t going home. They’re even making turkey and all the trimmings.”
“Well, at least there’s that. How are you?”
“I’m good. I really love it here and, once I get my grade up, I’ll be even better.”
There was silence on the line for a beat before she said, “I know how much you want to come home, but you’re taking responsibility for your schooling, and, as much as I hate to say it, that is the right priority at this point in your life.”
“I hope Kane feels the same.”
“He’ll be upset, Teagan, but he’ll understand.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Mrs. Marks.”
“Happy Thanksgiving to you. Don’t work too hard and make sure you take a break and eat some turkey on Thursday.”
“I will.”
I dreaded making the next call. My hope was that Kane would come to Boston, and we could have a dining hall–style Thanksgiving together and then spend the rest of the weekend in my room. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. I settled back on my bed and called him.
“Hey, Tea. What time’s your flight?” My heart twisted in my chest; he sounded so excited. I didn’t immediately answer. “You’re not coming home.”
“I’m sorry. I want to come home, but I got a D on my midterm. I have to attend the study sessions over the break or I’m going to fail. Is there any chance you can come here?”
“Mrs. Marks has been preparing for your return for weeks. You know how she is about the holidays.”
“Please don’t make me feel worse than I already do.”
Frustration and a little contrition came across the line. “I’m sorry, it’s been seven weeks since I’ve seen you. I’m going crazy.”
“I am too, but Christmas is right around the corner, and I’ll be home for a month. I was thinking of inviting my friend Simon home for part of it. Do you think Mrs. Marks would be okay with that?”
Silence.
“Simon’s gay, so whatever you’re thinking, please don’t. He knows all about you.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine with him coming here.”
“Are you?”
“He’s your friend.”
“Kane, what are you thinking?”
“Nothing.”
“Please, I’ve known you since you were eleven, so stop bullshitting me.”
“I’m jealous. Is that what you want to hear? I’m jealous. The fact that your friend is gay is of no importance. He gets to see you when I don’t.”
“In under three months, that’s going to change.”
“I know, but I can’t help it. I’ve only ever been completely truthful with you, so why deny what I’m feeling,” he added.
“That’s fair.”
“I’ll let Mrs. Marks know it will only be five for Thanksgiving this year.”
“I already spoke to Mrs. Marks. Five, you mean four?”
“No. Doreen, Mrs. T’s grandniece, is joining us. I told you about her.”
Now I hated it even more that I wasn’t going home.
“Tea?”
“I’m jealous of Doreen.”
“Why?”
“For the same reason you’re jealous of Simon. Is she pretty?”
Silence.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Tea, you’re being silly.”
“Is she gay?”
“Not that I’m aware of.”
Definitely wished I were going home.
“You sure you can’t come here?” I asked. It may have sounded more like a plea.
“I already promised I’d show Doreen around—the happening spots. I thought we’d be doing that together.”
So not only was Doreen going to be there, she was going to be spending quality alone time with my fiancé. I felt ill, but I couldn’t change my mind; I had to get my grade up, and if I went home now, it would be obvious to Kane that I was only going home because I was jealous. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
“Miss you, Tea.”
And even drowning in jealousy, I couldn’t deny that I missed him too. “Miss you.”
Thanksgiving came and went. I had called home and spoken to everyone on the actual day, Kane detailing the scents coming from the kitchen to rub it in. He sounded happy, which I thought was surprising with how upset he’d seemed about me not coming home. I tried not to think about why he’d be happy, namely by spending time with Doreen, but I did anyway. A pain had started in my stomach, an ulcer most likely, and I called it Doreen.
After my study session on Friday, Kane and I talked, but I hadn’t heard from him since. Each day that went by without word, the more worried I got. He’d had a long weekend with Doreen, and now he wasn’t calling me. It seemed like a reasonable jump to believe he wasn’t calling because he was spending time with her. There weren’t words to describe the sensation that moved through me when I thought about Kane moving on with someone else.
As the days turned into weeks, I began to get scared that it was something more, that something bad had happened. I couldn’t get through to him or anyone at the house, which never happened. Focusing on anything at school was impossible, so I made arrangements with my professors and headed home using the open-ended tickets Mrs. Marks had purchased for me to use at Thanksgiving.
As soon as I landed, I called for a cab, which was going to cost a fortune, but I wanted to get home as fast as possible. Until the moment Raven’s Peak came into view, I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed being there. After paying the cabbie, I grabbed my bags and ran up the front steps. Mr. Clancy wasn’t there to open the door, but then, he wasn’t expecting me.
As I placed my bags just inside the door, I was met by silence. I ran up the stairs right to Kane’s room, but when I entered, my feet just stopped. His room wasn’t just unoccupied, it looked nearly cleared out. Most of his personal stuff, things he didn’t use but didn’t want to part with, was boxed in the corner, but all his clothes and those things he used daily like his iPod and speakers were gone. I didn’t know how long I stood in his room that was no longer his room. Where the hell was he? Had he moved to Boston already and was waiting to surprise me? But it seemed like a cruel joke to not contact me. We never went so long between calls.
I searched the house for the others, but the place was empty, and, from the look of the pile of mail on the kitchen counter, it had been for a while. Reaching for my phone, I called Mrs. Marks, but as was the case lately, her phone went to voice mail. An uneasy feeling moved through me. Something was definitely not right.
Someone was bringing in the mail; they’d know what was going on. I started from the house to head to town to find that person. Halfway down the drive, a car I didn’t recognize pulled in. I recognized the driver—Camille. Pulling over, she climbed out. Surprise filled me, because Camille had gone off to school only just the year before. The timing of her decision, not long after Kane had told her no way would they ever be together, made it clear to both of us that she was
“Teagan? What are you doing here?”
I was tempted to ask the same of her, but I honestly didn’t care. “Came home for a visit. Do you know where everyone is?”
“Oh.” I didn’t sense understanding or even sympathy in that one word, but I did see a giddiness that turned my stomach. “You don’t know?”
“Know what?” What the hell did she know about my family that I didn’t?
“They’ve been gone for a while, getting Kane settled in his new apartment.”
I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly, but excitement mingled with my confusion, because it sounded like he was in Boston. I was going to kill him for the way he did this, but I was thrilled with the end result. “New apartment?”
“Yeah, to be closer to his girlfriend.”
“You mean me?”
“No, his new girlfriend.”
All the air left my lungs. New girlfriend, what the hell was she talking about? Kane had a new girlfriend? “Doreen?” The name passed my lips before I even really knew I’d meant to say it.
“Yes. You should see them together. Every weekend they’re inseparable. A lot like how you and he used to be before you got all consumed with school. It’s not surprising that their feelings grew into something more, especially since you seem to have moved on.”
Pain sliced through me; as much as I wanted to dismiss every word from her mouth as a lie, I couldn’t. Deep down I’d feared this very thing. Yet despite the ache in my chest, I was certain that Kane would have told me if he’d moved on. He’d never leave me adrift.
“Mrs. Marks and the others went to help get him settled. I’m sorry. I thought you knew, being his best friend and all.”
Somehow I knew she’d said that on purpose to dig the knife in. It should have hurt, it should have eviscerated me, and there was a part of me shattered at the possibility, but I refused to believe that my Kane would act so selfishly.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Collecting their mail.” She tilted her head, surveying me like she would a lost puppy. But it wasn’t pity in her gaze—she was enjoying every second. Turning from her, I started back to the house. “I’ve already brought in the mail, so you can leave.”
Kane had found someone else. I couldn’t bear to think it, but then, where was everyone? I thought to continue on into town as planned, if for no other reason than to disprove Camille’s hateful lies, but Mrs. Marks and the others rarely socialized in town so the likelihood that someone there knew the details about their impromptu trip was unlikely. I did try calling the boatyard a few times because Mr. Miller, as Kane’s employer, would know Kane’s whereabouts, but as was my luck lately, I wasn’t able to get through to him.
I returned to Boston and stewed over the conversation with Camille for days. Kane and Doreen had been spending weekends together since September, almost three months. He was an easy guy to like, an even easier guy to love. Entertaining the possibility that Kane had moved on caused a pain so severe it was staggering, but he would have never handled the situation so callously; he was too thoughtful. The realization that something could have befallen Mrs. Marks, Mr. Clancy, or Mrs. T, because they were elderly, made me call the hospital, but none of them had been admitted.
I honestly didn’t know what to make of the situation. The state of his room bugged me. It had looked like he’d been in the middle of packing, so where the hell was he? I couldn’t deny that Kane was intrigued by Doreen. I knew him well enough to be able to tell by his tone. Remembering Camille’s comment about me having moved on, I wondered if it were possible that Kane felt that way too? Was that why he hadn’t called to tell me that he’d found someone else? Was he pissed and bitter at my believed defection? Was it a coincidence that, after spending many weekends with an adoring Doreen, they had a long weekend together, and then he suddenly stopped calling his fiancée, who rarely took his calls and couldn’t be bothered to come home for Thanksgiving? Or was he feeling guilty?
He’d told me he was jealous of Simon, that he was going crazy not seeing me. Was that true? Or was he so quick to anger during that phone call because he knew he had been too quick to propose. Had he finally realized that I’d been a convenience because he had now found the real thing with Doreen? A sob burned up my throat. As much as I wanted to deny it, when I looked at the situation logically, the facts supported Camille’s story.
I tried for that whole week following my trip home to get in touch with anyone, to no avail. And that hurt too, the freeze-out from people I thought of as my family. If Kane had moved on, shouldn’t the family be rallying behind me, knowing how devastated I’d be? Or were they pissed at me, believing that I had also moved on? I had always known they were more Kane’s family than they were ever mine.
It was a week and a half after I returned to Boston when I finally heard from Kane, making it nearly a month since his last call.
“Kane?” My voice shook, and my stomach twisted in knots.
“Teagan.”
He sounded funny, distant maybe. And what was up with the Teagan? He never called me that.
“Kane, where have you been? I’ve been calling you for a month.”
“Sorry,” he said, his words clipped like he was angry, like this was a conversation he didn’t want to have but had to.
“Is everything all right?”
“Teagan, I’m sorry to tell you this over the phone, but I’m not moving to Boston.”
It took a minute for those words to sink in and another for me to react. Devastation hit me first, and then I felt dead inside. I’m not moving to Boston. Who would have thought that so short a phrase could have such a catastrophic impact? And, even though I didn’t want to hear it, I needed to: “Why?” My voice cracked.
An uncomfortable silence fell. Never had silence been uncomfortable between us. Dread filled my belly. I knew what was coming and, even knowing that, hearing the confirmation from him shattered me. “I met someone. I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean for it to happen.”
The first time I’d ever seen him flashed into my head—the boy who offered comfort to the broken girl who had just lost her parents—and that image was followed with the one of him standing at the airport security check after having just asked me to marry him. And now his smiles and kisses, his laughter and hugs, would all be for someone else. Camille had been telling the truth.
“Doreen.”
“Yes. I’m sorry, Teagan, I can’t marry you.”
I looked down at his ring, which I hadn’t taken off since he’d put it there. The symbol of our life together, a symbol I drew strength and comfort from. The words barely passed the lump in my throat. “You don’t want to marry me?”
“I’m sorry.”
I had never understood the expression “going numb,” but now I did. At that moment, I felt absolutely nothing, not sorrow, not anger, not pain. I felt nothing except broken. My next words came out automatically, because my brain was struggling to make sense of a situation that made no sense. “Do you want your ring back?”
“No.”
“Are you happy?” That question was directed at my best friend, not my lover, because despite everything, I wanted him to be happy.
“I am. And you’ll be again too.”
“No, Kane, I won’t, not now. Be happy. I really do hope you’ll be happy.” I wasn’t going to say it, but I felt it, even if he didn’t anymore, and this would be the last time I could. “I love you, Kane.”
My thumb pressed the “End” button, the action so final. Not just the end of the call but the end of us. I sat there, staring down at my phone, the tears welling up and over my lower lids, because I didn’t know where to go from there. He had been my life; all of my happiest moments were with him, my whole world’s happiness was him. And he had found someone else.
Simon found me looking out at the Charles River, watching the su
“Teagan?”
Simon stepped up next to me, touching my chin with his fingers and forcing my gaze to his. He always had a smile on his face, but not now. Something dark moved over his expression. “What happened?”
“Kane’s found someone else.”
“What?” That one word was snarled and filled with contempt.
“I’d convinced myself that Camille had lied to break us up. You know I don’t trust her. She’s always wanted Kane.”
“I’m sensing a ‘but.’”
“Kane called me two days ago and confirmed it.” Tears streamed down my face, but I just didn’t have the energy to wipe them away. “He stopped calling, and he isn’t at home, because he moved to be closer to her.”
“Son of a bitch.”
“Part of me, a big part of me, doesn’t believe him either, and yet why would he lie? I thought I had it all figured out, you know. We got engaged early, but it felt right in every fiber of my being. And it hurts so fucking much to know I wasn’t enough. It took him years to fall for me, and he fell for her in only months. I feared that I had just been a convenience, and then he asked me to marry him and those fears dissolved. But I really must have only been a convenience, and a rather boring one at that, if he could move on so quickly.”
“He’s an asshole.”
“That’s just it, Simon, he isn’t. I want to hunt him down, even though I haven’t a clue where he’s living now, and demand that he tell me how he could so easily move on. And yet I can’t bear the thought of seeing him again. With five words, he took away every happy memory I’ve had since my parents died.”