A Wodehouse Miscellany: Articles & Stories by P. G. Wodehouse
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A WODEHOUSE MISCELLANY
Articles & Stories
By P. G. WODEHOUSE
CONTENTS
ARTICLES
SOME ASPECTS OF GAME-CAPTAINCY
AN UNFINISHED COLLECTION
THE NEW ADVERTISING
THE SECRET PLEASURES OF REGINALD
MY BATTLE WITH DRINK
IN DEFENSE OF ASTIGMATISM
PHOTOGRAPHERS AND ME
A PLEA FOR INDOOR GOLF
THE ALARMING SPREAD OF POETRY
MY LIFE AS A DRAMATIC CRITIC
THE AGONIES OF WRITING A MUSICAL COMEDY
ON THE WRITING OF LYRICS
THE PAST THEATRICAL SEASON
POEMS
DAMON AND PYTHIAS: A Romance
THE HAUNTED TRAM
STORIES
WHEN PAPA SWORE IN HINDUSTANI [1901]
TOM, DICK, AND HARRY [1905]
JEEVES TAKES CHARGE [1916]
DISENTANGLING OLD DUGGIE [1912]
ARTICLES
SOME ASPECTS OF GAME-CAPTAINCY
To the Game-Captain (of the football variety) the world is peopled bythree classes, firstly the keen and regular player, next the partialslacker, thirdly, and lastly, the entire, abject and absolute slacker.
Of the first class, the keen and regular player, little need be said.A keen player is a gem of purest rays serene, and when to his keennesshe adds regularity and punctuality, life ceases to become the merehollow blank that it would otherwise become, and joy reigns supreme.
The absolute slacker (to take the worst at once, and have done withit) needs the pen of a Swift before adequate justice can be done tohis enormities. He is a blot, an excrescence. All those moments whichare not spent in avoiding games (by means of that leave which isunanimously considered the peculiar property of the French nation) heuses in concocting ingenious excuses. Armed with these, he faces withcalmness the disgusting curiosity of the Game-Captain, who officiouslydesires to know the reason of his non-appearance on the preceding day.These excuses are of the "had-to-go-and-see-a-man-about-a-dog" type,and rarely meet with that success for which their author hopes. In theend he discovers that his chest is weak, or his heart is subject topalpitations, and he forthwith produces a document to this effect,signed by a doctor. This has the desirable result of muzzling thetyrannical Game-Captain, whose sole solace is a look of intense andwithering scorn. But this is seldom fatal, and generally, we rejoiceto say, ineffectual.
The next type is the partial slacker. He differs from the absoluteslacker in that at rare intervals he actually turns up, changed withalinto the garb of the game, and thirsting for the fray. At this pointbegins the time of trouble for the Game-Captain. To begin with, he isforced by stress of ignorance to ask the newcomer his name. This is,of course, an insult of the worst kind. "A being who does not know myname," argues the partial slacker, "must be something not far from acriminal lunatic." The name is, however, extracted, and the partialslacker strides to the arena. Now arises insult No. 2. He is wearinghis cap. A hint as to the advisability of removing this piece deresistance not being taken, he is ordered to assume a capless state,and by these means a coolness springs up between him and the G. C. Ofthis the Game-Captain is made aware when the game commences. Thepartial slacker, scorning to insert his head in the scrum, assumes acommanding position outside and from this point criticises theGame-Captain's decisions with severity and pith. The last end of thepartial slacker is generally a sad one. Stung by some pungenthome-thrust, the Game-Captain is fain to try chastisement, and bythese means silences the enemy's battery.
Sometimes the classes overlap. As for instance, a keen and regularplayer may, by some more than usually gross bit of bungling on thepart of the G.-C., be moved to a fervour and eloquence worthy ofJuvenal. Or, again, even the absolute slacker may for a time emulatethe keen player, provided an opponent plant a shrewd kick on a tenderspot. But, broadly speaking, there are only three classes.