Alex by Sawyer Bennett
Page 42
Instead, he turned his back on me and walked to the door. I had to restrain myself from calling out to him. When he opened the door, he hesitated for just a moment, then said quietly, “I’m sorry. ”
He never looked back before walking out of my house and out of my life.
—
Blinking hard, I try to dispel the sad memories as I stare at my computer screen. It’s almost time for lunch and I didn’t bring anything to eat, so I need to run out. The only problem is, I’m not very hungry. I’d rather gorge on and choke down my own pity party, which has kept me surprisingly full the last few weeks.
The phone on my desk rings and I pick it up. I’m at a complete loss for something cool to say as usual, so I just answer, “This is Sutton. ”
“Of course it’s Sutton,” Minnie says with exasperation. “I dialed your extension. ”
Yeah, Minnie has had enough of my moping around, I can tell. So, I make my voice just a bit more cheerful. “Sorry. What’s up?”
“You have a hockey god out here to see you. ”
My pulse flutters wildly at the prospect that Alex has come to see me, but then Minnie brings me crashing down when she says, “A Mr. Garrett Samuelson. Wants to know if you got some time for him. ”
Letting out a pent-up breath of disappointment, I say dejectedly, “Sure. I’ll be right out. ”
***
“It’s uncanny, really,” Garrett says as he takes a huge bite of pizza and gazes at me across the table.
“What’s that?” I say, fiddling with my crust but making no effort to take a bite. Garrett’s visit was a complete surprise. He suggested we get a bite to eat, so we came to this local pizza joint just a few blocks from my office.
“That ‘someone kicked my puppy’ look both you and Alex seem to be wearing these days. It sort of brings me down. ”
Glaring at him across the table, I say, “I’m sorry to be ruining your mood. ”
He shrugs his shoulders and grins at me. “Just sayin’. ”
“Why are you here, Garrett?” I ask tiredly.
Setting his slice of pizza down and wiping his hands with his napkin, he leans across the table, resting his forearms on the cracked Formica top. “Because I’m worried about Alex. He won’t tell me what happened, just that you broke up. ”
“That’s true enough. Well, he broke up with me. I didn’t seem to have a say-so in it. ” My words are brittle and I can’t even bring myself to make the effort to lighten the mood.
“Well, he made a mistake,” Garrett says as he sits back and picks up his pizza.
“Then why aren’t you having this conversation with him?”
“I intend to,” he says with a wicked smile. “I just wanted to talk to you and see how much groveling he’d have to do to win you over. ”
I blink in surprise, because surely there is no way in hell that Alex Crossman, Most Valuable Prick, would ever grovel to a woman. Besides, I don’t want him to grovel. I don’t find that attractive.
What I would kill for, though, is for him to realize that he was wrong. That letting me go—letting us go—was wrong. I’d be happy with a few simple words telling me that exact thing.
“He doesn’t have to grovel,” I voice my thoughts out loud. “I’m not that type of woman. ”
“Glad to know it,” he says around a mouth full of food.
“It’s moot anyway. Alex doesn’t believe this was a mistake. He believes he needed to do this for the benefit of his career. ”
“Bullshit,” Garrett says loudly and I look quickly around to see if anyone is looking. I mean, outside of the ordinary stares we got when a Cold Fury hockey player walked into this little restaurant.
Lowering my voice, so he’ll follow suit, I say, “Why is that bullshit?”
“Because I believe you were one of the best things to happen to him. You got him playing better than ever and loving the game again. I’m not blind or stupid. ”
“Again, doesn’t matter what you think or what I think…it’s what Alex thinks. ”
“It will matter once I get done with him,” he says slyly.
Reaching across the table, I lay my hand on his forearm and when I have his full attention, I say firmly, “Don’t. Just don’t, okay? Leave him be. He made this decision because it gave him some peace of mind, and it’s not up to you or me to take that away from him. ”
“Don’t you still love him?” he asks skeptically.
“Of course I do. ”
“Then just shut up and let me work my magic. ”
“I’m not playing around, Garrett,” I say, leaning across the table and digging my fingers into his arm. “It’s not meant to be. ”
“Whatever,” he says, almost in a pout-like way.
“I’m serious. This is my life. Promise me you won’t say anything to Alex. ”
Garrett stares at me a moment, the look on his face going eventually from annoyance to acceptance. “Fine. ”
“You swear?”
“Every f**king day,” he says with a wink.
“Garrett,” I warn.
“Fine. I swear. I won’t say anything to Alex. ”
Chapter 29
Alex
“Dude,” Garrett says after he takes a sip of his beer. “We need to talk about Sutton. ”
I raise my eyebrows at him and peel at the label on my bottle. “What about her?”
“I saw her the other day, and she made me promise I wouldn’t say anything, but f**k that…I suck ass at keeping promises. ”
“Is she okay?” I ask urgently, because all sorts of horrific things run through my mind.
She’s sick with cancer, and has only days to live.
Or she got fired.
Or something happened to Glenn. Or Penny. Or Jim-Dad.
“She’s fine,” he says with a dismissive wave.
My heart rate takes a nosedive upon hearing that and my defenses come into play. “Then there’s nothing to talk about. ”
“Worried about her, huh?” he asks with a devious smile.
“Nope. You just said she was fine. ”
“Before that, ass**le. You were worried before that. ”
“So what? I cared for her…that’s a natural reaction. ”
“Care for her,” Garrett says with finality.
“What?”
“Present tense. Care. For. Her. ”
The f**ker is starting to really irritate me. “So what?”
“Sooooo,” he drawls. “I’m tired of you moping around with your heart flayed open. Win your girl back. ”
“No,” I say quickly. “It was for the best. ”
“Best for who?” Garrett asks incredulously.
“For me,” I say with determination.
“Yeah…and how’s that working out for you?”
I don’t answer because I don’t know what to say. My life has gotten immensely shittier since I walked out of Sutton’s life a little over two weeks ago. My game hasn’t improved, my dad is riding my ass again and I suspect he may be drinking, and the only good thing I had going for me is nothing more than a ghost of a memory.
“I’m fine,” I say, without a lick of conviction in my voice.
But I’m truthful to my soul when I think, I’m far from fine. I’m miserable.
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret,” Garrett says as he leans forward. “You are utterly lost and it breaks my f**king heart to see it. ”
“You’re such a poet,” I sneer, only to hide the fact that his words hit deep.
“I’m serious, man. And how could you not be? You cut out of your life a beautiful woman who loves your cranky ass. You have to be miserable is the way I see it. ”
“What do you know?” I say with as snide a look as I can muster. “Mr. Love ’Em and Leave ’Em is now a philosopher on love. ”
“Not at all,” he answers smoothly. “I just happe
n to be one smart motherfucker, and I know something good when I see it. ”
I pick up my bottle and take a healthy swig of beer. We have a rare two days off in a row and I’m killing time with Garrett in a bar because I’ll just sit depressed in my apartment otherwise. It seems any downtime I have is spent thinking about Sutton.
It is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life, cutting her loose. I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I couldn’t see what I had standing right in front of me.
And I was scared.
Scared of giving up that carefully controlled life, of letting in the potential for hurt when I had been hurt enough.
Sutton was absolutely right. I’m a f**king coward.
I miss her so much.
So very f**king much, and my body aches with emptiness.
I put Sutton last in my list of devotions when she should have been number one. Yes, my priorities were screwed up, made even worse by the fact she fulfilled me more than any hockey career could, and she was the only one who truly knew what I was going through with my father.
None of it matters, though. Because as sure as I’m sitting here, there’s not a doubt in my mind I f**ked this up beyond repair. I did the same thing to her that Brandon did. I made it clear she wasn’t good enough at that moment in time. Brandon wanted to go chase some tail, and I wanted to go chase some sort of peace that was never on the path that I chose.
“Dude, where did you go?” Garrett breaks into my thoughts, snapping his fingers in front of my face.
Shaking my head, I mumble, “Nowhere. ”
“Yeah…remember that part where I told you I was one smart motherfucker? Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you were silently agreeing with me that you made a dumbass move and you were mulling over the thought that you really couldn’t fix the problem. ”
My jaw drops open just a little. “What are you? Like a f**king mind reader or something?”
Garrett grins at me and taps his temple with his forefinger. “Smart. Mother. Fucker. ”
“Okay, fine. I admit it. I screwed up. It will probably go down as the single dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But it’s done. I can’t fix it. ”
“Chickenshit” is all he says.
“What is it with people questioning my courage?” I grumble.
“Because if you don’t fight for her, it’s a pu**y move. You might as well strap on a pink jockstrap next game. ”
Rubbing my temple and staring blankly across the bar—because Garrett sometimes has a way of inducing a migraine—I try to think of a good comeback. Garrett doesn’t give me the opportunity, though.
“Besides, I have it on good authority that you won’t even have to grovel to get her back. ”
My eyes snap to his. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I asked Sutton point-blank what it would take to fix this shit. ”
“And?” I prompt.
“And she assured me no groveling would be needed. She still loves you, buddy. More important, she understands you. She understands your moment of weakness, so just show her it was nothing but a moment. ”
His words are simple, yet they cause elation to swell within me. I had for sure thought I ruined everything with Sutton. In my world, things are black and white, and forgiveness is a foreign concept and a tough pill to swallow.
“Seriously?” I ask, smiling for what I’m betting is the first time in over two weeks.
“Cross my heart,” he assures me. “So what’s the plan?”
Picking up my beer and downing the rest, I stand up and throw some cash on the bar. Turning to Garrett, I say, “Well, you said groveling isn’t needed but I’m thinking Sutton deserves a little something more than just a lame-ass apology. I have something in mind and I need your help, and Glenn’s too, for that matter. ”
Instead, he turned his back on me and walked to the door. I had to restrain myself from calling out to him. When he opened the door, he hesitated for just a moment, then said quietly, “I’m sorry. ”
He never looked back before walking out of my house and out of my life.
—
Blinking hard, I try to dispel the sad memories as I stare at my computer screen. It’s almost time for lunch and I didn’t bring anything to eat, so I need to run out. The only problem is, I’m not very hungry. I’d rather gorge on and choke down my own pity party, which has kept me surprisingly full the last few weeks.
The phone on my desk rings and I pick it up. I’m at a complete loss for something cool to say as usual, so I just answer, “This is Sutton. ”
“Of course it’s Sutton,” Minnie says with exasperation. “I dialed your extension. ”
Yeah, Minnie has had enough of my moping around, I can tell. So, I make my voice just a bit more cheerful. “Sorry. What’s up?”
“You have a hockey god out here to see you. ”
My pulse flutters wildly at the prospect that Alex has come to see me, but then Minnie brings me crashing down when she says, “A Mr. Garrett Samuelson. Wants to know if you got some time for him. ”
Letting out a pent-up breath of disappointment, I say dejectedly, “Sure. I’ll be right out. ”
***
“It’s uncanny, really,” Garrett says as he takes a huge bite of pizza and gazes at me across the table.
“What’s that?” I say, fiddling with my crust but making no effort to take a bite. Garrett’s visit was a complete surprise. He suggested we get a bite to eat, so we came to this local pizza joint just a few blocks from my office.
“That ‘someone kicked my puppy’ look both you and Alex seem to be wearing these days. It sort of brings me down. ”
Glaring at him across the table, I say, “I’m sorry to be ruining your mood. ”
He shrugs his shoulders and grins at me. “Just sayin’. ”
“Why are you here, Garrett?” I ask tiredly.
Setting his slice of pizza down and wiping his hands with his napkin, he leans across the table, resting his forearms on the cracked Formica top. “Because I’m worried about Alex. He won’t tell me what happened, just that you broke up. ”
“That’s true enough. Well, he broke up with me. I didn’t seem to have a say-so in it. ” My words are brittle and I can’t even bring myself to make the effort to lighten the mood.
“Well, he made a mistake,” Garrett says as he sits back and picks up his pizza.
“Then why aren’t you having this conversation with him?”
“I intend to,” he says with a wicked smile. “I just wanted to talk to you and see how much groveling he’d have to do to win you over. ”
I blink in surprise, because surely there is no way in hell that Alex Crossman, Most Valuable Prick, would ever grovel to a woman. Besides, I don’t want him to grovel. I don’t find that attractive.
What I would kill for, though, is for him to realize that he was wrong. That letting me go—letting us go—was wrong. I’d be happy with a few simple words telling me that exact thing.
“He doesn’t have to grovel,” I voice my thoughts out loud. “I’m not that type of woman. ”
“Glad to know it,” he says around a mouth full of food.
“It’s moot anyway. Alex doesn’t believe this was a mistake. He believes he needed to do this for the benefit of his career. ”
“Bullshit,” Garrett says loudly and I look quickly around to see if anyone is looking. I mean, outside of the ordinary stares we got when a Cold Fury hockey player walked into this little restaurant.
Lowering my voice, so he’ll follow suit, I say, “Why is that bullshit?”
“Because I believe you were one of the best things to happen to him. You got him playing better than ever and loving the game again. I’m not blind or stupid. ”
“Again, doesn’t matter what you think or what I think…it’s what Alex thinks. ”
“It will matter once I get done with him,” he says slyly.
Reaching across the table, I lay my hand on his forearm and when I have his full attention, I say firmly, “Don’t. Just don’t, okay? Leave him be. He made this decision because it gave him some peace of mind, and it’s not up to you or me to take that away from him. ”
“Don’t you still love him?” he asks skeptically.
“Of course I do. ”
“Then just shut up and let me work my magic. ”
“I’m not playing around, Garrett,” I say, leaning across the table and digging my fingers into his arm. “It’s not meant to be. ”
“Whatever,” he says, almost in a pout-like way.
“I’m serious. This is my life. Promise me you won’t say anything to Alex. ”
Garrett stares at me a moment, the look on his face going eventually from annoyance to acceptance. “Fine. ”
“You swear?”
“Every f**king day,” he says with a wink.
“Garrett,” I warn.
“Fine. I swear. I won’t say anything to Alex. ”
Chapter 29
Alex
“Dude,” Garrett says after he takes a sip of his beer. “We need to talk about Sutton. ”
I raise my eyebrows at him and peel at the label on my bottle. “What about her?”
“I saw her the other day, and she made me promise I wouldn’t say anything, but f**k that…I suck ass at keeping promises. ”
“Is she okay?” I ask urgently, because all sorts of horrific things run through my mind.
She’s sick with cancer, and has only days to live.
Or she got fired.
Or something happened to Glenn. Or Penny. Or Jim-Dad.
“She’s fine,” he says with a dismissive wave.
My heart rate takes a nosedive upon hearing that and my defenses come into play. “Then there’s nothing to talk about. ”
“Worried about her, huh?” he asks with a devious smile.
“Nope. You just said she was fine. ”
“Before that, ass**le. You were worried before that. ”
“So what? I cared for her…that’s a natural reaction. ”
“Care for her,” Garrett says with finality.
“What?”
“Present tense. Care. For. Her. ”
The f**ker is starting to really irritate me. “So what?”
“Sooooo,” he drawls. “I’m tired of you moping around with your heart flayed open. Win your girl back. ”
“No,” I say quickly. “It was for the best. ”
“Best for who?” Garrett asks incredulously.
“For me,” I say with determination.
“Yeah…and how’s that working out for you?”
I don’t answer because I don’t know what to say. My life has gotten immensely shittier since I walked out of Sutton’s life a little over two weeks ago. My game hasn’t improved, my dad is riding my ass again and I suspect he may be drinking, and the only good thing I had going for me is nothing more than a ghost of a memory.
“I’m fine,” I say, without a lick of conviction in my voice.
But I’m truthful to my soul when I think, I’m far from fine. I’m miserable.
“I’m going to let you in on a little secret,” Garrett says as he leans forward. “You are utterly lost and it breaks my f**king heart to see it. ”
“You’re such a poet,” I sneer, only to hide the fact that his words hit deep.
“I’m serious, man. And how could you not be? You cut out of your life a beautiful woman who loves your cranky ass. You have to be miserable is the way I see it. ”
“What do you know?” I say with as snide a look as I can muster. “Mr. Love ’Em and Leave ’Em is now a philosopher on love. ”
“Not at all,” he answers smoothly. “I just happe
I pick up my bottle and take a healthy swig of beer. We have a rare two days off in a row and I’m killing time with Garrett in a bar because I’ll just sit depressed in my apartment otherwise. It seems any downtime I have is spent thinking about Sutton.
It is, without a doubt, the dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life, cutting her loose. I was so wrapped up in my own misery that I couldn’t see what I had standing right in front of me.
And I was scared.
Scared of giving up that carefully controlled life, of letting in the potential for hurt when I had been hurt enough.
Sutton was absolutely right. I’m a f**king coward.
I miss her so much.
So very f**king much, and my body aches with emptiness.
I put Sutton last in my list of devotions when she should have been number one. Yes, my priorities were screwed up, made even worse by the fact she fulfilled me more than any hockey career could, and she was the only one who truly knew what I was going through with my father.
None of it matters, though. Because as sure as I’m sitting here, there’s not a doubt in my mind I f**ked this up beyond repair. I did the same thing to her that Brandon did. I made it clear she wasn’t good enough at that moment in time. Brandon wanted to go chase some tail, and I wanted to go chase some sort of peace that was never on the path that I chose.
“Dude, where did you go?” Garrett breaks into my thoughts, snapping his fingers in front of my face.
Shaking my head, I mumble, “Nowhere. ”
“Yeah…remember that part where I told you I was one smart motherfucker? Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say you were silently agreeing with me that you made a dumbass move and you were mulling over the thought that you really couldn’t fix the problem. ”
My jaw drops open just a little. “What are you? Like a f**king mind reader or something?”
Garrett grins at me and taps his temple with his forefinger. “Smart. Mother. Fucker. ”
“Okay, fine. I admit it. I screwed up. It will probably go down as the single dumbest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But it’s done. I can’t fix it. ”
“Chickenshit” is all he says.
“What is it with people questioning my courage?” I grumble.
“Because if you don’t fight for her, it’s a pu**y move. You might as well strap on a pink jockstrap next game. ”
Rubbing my temple and staring blankly across the bar—because Garrett sometimes has a way of inducing a migraine—I try to think of a good comeback. Garrett doesn’t give me the opportunity, though.
“Besides, I have it on good authority that you won’t even have to grovel to get her back. ”
My eyes snap to his. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I asked Sutton point-blank what it would take to fix this shit. ”
“And?” I prompt.
“And she assured me no groveling would be needed. She still loves you, buddy. More important, she understands you. She understands your moment of weakness, so just show her it was nothing but a moment. ”
His words are simple, yet they cause elation to swell within me. I had for sure thought I ruined everything with Sutton. In my world, things are black and white, and forgiveness is a foreign concept and a tough pill to swallow.
“Seriously?” I ask, smiling for what I’m betting is the first time in over two weeks.
“Cross my heart,” he assures me. “So what’s the plan?”
Picking up my beer and downing the rest, I stand up and throw some cash on the bar. Turning to Garrett, I say, “Well, you said groveling isn’t needed but I’m thinking Sutton deserves a little something more than just a lame-ass apology. I have something in mind and I need your help, and Glenn’s too, for that matter. ”