Amanda Lester and the Pink Sugar Conspiracy by Paula Berinstein
Back in her room, it didn’t take Amanda long to come up with a rudimentary profile of all the teachers. She knew more about them than she thought she did.
Richard Stegelmeyer, Crime Lab. Chemist. Abrupt and ill tempered. Writes bad horror novels. Argues with the other teachers. Seems to be obsessed with blood. Has put many criminals in prison, including Graham “Maps” Glappsy, a very scary serial killer. Conclusion: Seems dedicated but could be a loose cannon. His creative streak is a plus. Loner, not likely to work with others. Financial situation unknown. Probably writes only for ego because he isn’t going to make any money with those awful books. Does have enemies, though. Possible motive to be a criminal: None. More likely to take out his frustrations on a publisher than Dad.
Basil Hoxby, Pathology. Purplish skin. People fear him. Reads ancient Greek and Roman literature. Afraid of squirrels. Not directly responsible for putting criminals in prison. Former coroner in Swansea. Conclusion: Inner-directed. No enemies. Unlikely to work with others. Too weird. Financial situation unknown, but it doesn’t seem that he needs much money. Possible motive: None. No guts either.
Follifoot Buck, Profiling. Dry sense of humor. Can be snide. Has put many criminals away, including Reiko Flamp, a notorious cybercriminal. Used to be a psychotherapist. Conclusion: Egotistical, smart, knows how to manipulate people. Seems practical, so probably no money problems. He wouldn’t let himself get into a bad situation. Possible motive: None. No connection with Dad.
Christopher Scribbish, Evidence. Affable, good sense of humor. Very public school. A bit scatterbrained. Specializes in cold cases. Testifies in court often. Conclusion: Seems really nice, but those are probably the ones you have to watch out for the most. Does have enemies from all those court appearances. Rather mysterious. Financial situation unknown, but he does wear nice sweaters. Maybe he gets a deal on them or something. Possible motive: Unknown. He’s so shadowy there might be one, though.
Bill Pickle, Textual Analysis and Language. Petty and snobby. Obsessed with his car (a Triumph Roadster) and golf. Skinflint. Knows nine languages. Occasionally testifies in court. Conclusion: Lots of enemies just because he’s so annoying. Financial situation: he could be living beyond his means with that car and all that golf. Motive: Hard to imagine one.
Barry Pole, Fires and Explosions. Burned in a house fire when he was a child. Cheerful. Consults to fire and police departments. Hunts fossils. No contact with criminals. Conclusion: Nice guy, no enemies. Financial situation looks stable, but then you never can tell. Motive: None that I can see.
Trixie Sidebotham, Observation and Research. Reserved and reticent, meticulous. Not well liked. Talks to herself. No direct contact with criminals. Consults to police departments. Conclusion: May have enemies. Financial situation probably fine. What does someone that old need with money? Motive: None I can think of.
Ken Kindseth, Forensic Photography. Boyish, cool, awesome. Has hidden talents. Smells like vinegar. Thought to use Rogaine. Testifies in court occasionally. Conclusion: Nice guy, no enemies, no financial problems, no possible motive.
Julia Browning, Sketching. Flamboyant, dramatic. Transplant from Texas. Paints pictures of caves. No direct contact with criminals. Conclusion: Don’t know her very well. Don’t think she has enemies. No reason to suspect financial difficulties. I think she has a couple of kids, though. They could be expensive. Motive: None, I don’t think.
Ducky Ducey, Logic. Energetic and enthusiastic. Plays guitar. Popular. Always late. Has put criminals in prison, including Biffy Throckmorton, the notorious cat burglar. Conclusion: Lots of enemies. He does have that windsurfing hobby, but how expensive is that? Very nice guy. Motive: None.
Winifred Also, History of Detectives. Athletic, very good at rope climbing. History buff. Writes detective fiction (cozies). Students love her. No contact with criminals. Conclusion. No enemies. Great person, but has that darkness inside. Does travel, so maybe needs money, but she makes extra from her books, so maybe not. Motive: None.
Honoria Pargeter, Toxicology. Lives and breathes poisons. Extensive knowledge of plants. Takes frequent trips to South America. Testifies often. Conclusion: Lots of enemies. Shady character. Needs money to finance those trips. Motive: Don’t know what it is, but there definitely could be one.
Ajay Mukherjee, Legal Issues. Interested in the differences between American, UK, and Indian law. Used to be a crown prosecutor. Pretentious and bombastic. Has put away more criminals than any of the other teachers. Got very close to cracking the Great Train Robbery loot mystery. Conclusion: OMG, is he bad tempered! Very wealthy, though, so no financial needs. Lots of enemies. Motive: Don’t know what, but I wouldn’t put it past him. OTOH, he doesn’t need money, so he probably didn’t do it. Also, he’s a fellow prosecutor, so why would he have it in for Dad?
Bertram McTavish, Procedure. Goes by the book. Likes sports. Testifies in court. Keeps a parakeet named Angela. Conclusion: Don’t know very much about him. Keep possibilities open.
Glassina Tumble, Disguise. Won awards for fashion work in the movie industry. Hard of hearing. Well liked. Demanding. Spent a lot of time in Hollywood and is good with American slang and idioms. No contact with criminals. Conclusion: No way.
Samuel Snool, Weapons. Intimidating. Testifies often. Has pointy handwriting. Conclusion: Very possible. Everything about him is hostile.
Particle Peaksribbon, Self-defense. Skilled in martial arts. Idolizes Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. Cool. Makes frequent trips to China. Consults to police departments. No direct responsibility for putting criminals in prison. Conclusion: Nice guy. Needs money to travel, but makes extra doing consulting so probably okay. No enemies unless he’s beat someone up we don’t know about. Motive: None.
Seashell Feeney, Criminals and Their Methods. Goth. A little crazy from trying to think like a criminal. Occasionally goes undercover. Does not testify. Conclusion: The most likely of all. She knows everything about criminals. Motive: She’s too secretive to know what it might be, but I wouldn’t put it past her.
Saliva Snaffle, Secrets. Very little known about her. Everything seems to be a secret! All we know is that she can tell whether someone is lying. Conclusion: A definite possibility.
Okimma Redleaf, Cyberforensics. Brilliant white hat hacker. No contact with the public or criminals. Believed to have come from somewhere in the heart of Africa or the Amazon jungle, but no one knows for sure. Rumored to have breached computer systems of every major developed nation. Conclusion: Very shady. But if she needed money she could just hack some, so I don’t think it’s her.
Gaston Thrillkill, Headmaster. Specializes in locked room mysteries. Carries a hair dryer. Has put away many criminals, including “Jumbo” Pinchuk, a prominent figure in the Belarus Mafia. Conclusion: A definite possibility.
Some faculty, thought Amanda. A bunch of nut jobs. Almost any one of them might be in on the scheme, except Professors Ducey and Kindseth. She was pretty sure they weren’t involved. They just didn’t seem like the type. Which of course probably meant that they were.
She was reading the list over for the third time when she realized something. Detecting was just like making a movie. You had your characters, each with their motivations. You had a story, which adhered to a certain structure. You had props, costumes, and settings. All this she understood. She could figure this out!
She had to go beyond the obvious character motivation: money. Chances were that quite a few of the teachers had modest bank accounts, with the possible exception of Glassina Tumble, who’d gotten rich in Hollywood. Professor Mukherjee was well to do too—he certainly dressed like he was and he drove that Bentley—but that didn’t prove anything. So money might have been a factor if any of them had spent beyond their means or had some financial emergency, like a sick relative.
There had to be something more, though. In a film the protagonist always has some kind of internal problem. This was something that was making his or her situation diffic
ult. In the course of the story, they’d have to face down that problem in order to get out of the difficult situation. So what she needed to do was figure out each person’s internal problem.
Some of these people seemed to have unhappy personal lives. A number of them were unattached, and several of those seemed to be particularly unsuccessful in love. Could their criminal activity have come about out of that frustration? Perhaps some of them were having family problems. Difficult children? Or parents?
Why didn’t she know more about Christopher Scribbish? He seemed pleasant enough, but nobody seemed to gossip about him and his bio was very skimpy. Maybe he was the one, a man without a past because it was too horrible to mention. And Professor Snaffle. Now there was a weird one. She was stranger than Professor Feeney. Six foot one. Probably from somewhere in Eastern Europe, at least if you judged by her accent, which could be a fake. Probably was, when it came to that. For that matter, how could she be sure that any of the teachers—or the students, or staff—were what they seemed?
Snool, Stegelmeyer, Buck, and Sidebotham were downright unpleasant, a fact that caused Amanda to think that they were too obvious. They had to have issues. No one liked them, for a start. But if they were all like that, what was different about any one of them, really different?
What about Pickle? The man still hadn’t returned and no one knew what had happened to him. The whole thing was very mysterious. But maybe he was a little too obvious as well.
What about the dean of admissions, that Drusilla Canoodle? What did Amanda know about her? Nothing, really. She was an efficient, ordinary-looking middle-aged woman who spent all day behind her desk. No one ever saw or noticed her because she was always tucked away. But if she were the culprit, wouldn’t someone have seen her skulking around? Out of her element she’d be very noticeable.
It had to be somebody with an axe to grind. That was the only thing that made sense. And as far as she knew, there was only one person who fit that bill: the cook’s assistant. There was something in her past that was so bad she’d been blackmailed over it, or extorted, or something. Surely she didn’t have much money or she wouldn’t be working at a job like that, so being involved in a lucrative enterprise like a crooked sugar cartel would improve her financial situation. Amanda wasn’t sure what the threat was about, but the cook’s assistant’s problem had to be related to it. She was sure of it.
Now that she thought she knew why and who, or at least part of the why, Amanda needed to find out what the assistant was up to. Amazingly she hadn’t been fired and was still cooking all the meals. If the woman left the school, Amanda didn’t know what she’d be able to find out. But under the circumstances she might be able to pick up a clue.
Investigators were swarming all over the campus, so the assistant probably couldn’t conduct much illegal business now. The school was still on lockdown, so she couldn’t leave, but she might be able to get messages out. This probably meant her phone. How would Amanda get hold of that? It would mean sneaking into the kitchen again, or picking her pocket.
Then she got an idea. It was brilliant—so brilliant that she stood up and did a little dance. Why hadn’t she thought of it before? Props! No one ever noticed them but they were absolutely essential. The vase on the table, the wallet, the coffee cup. And good old mobile phones, the prop everyone possessed and took so much for granted that no one even noticed them anymore.
“What are you doing?” said Ivy from her desk chair.
“Oh, nothing,” said Amanda. If Ivy could have seen her, she’d have been looking at a big, fat smile.
“Yes you are. I can hear you grinning. What’s going on?”
“Just a little idea,” Amanda said cagily.
“Tell me.”
“Better yet, I should tell him,” she said gesturing at Nigel.
“You’re nuts, you know that?”
“Good thing, too. Ivy, Nigel is about to become a detective.”
Richard Stegelmeyer, Crime Lab. Chemist. Abrupt and ill tempered. Writes bad horror novels. Argues with the other teachers. Seems to be obsessed with blood. Has put many criminals in prison, including Graham “Maps” Glappsy, a very scary serial killer. Conclusion: Seems dedicated but could be a loose cannon. His creative streak is a plus. Loner, not likely to work with others. Financial situation unknown. Probably writes only for ego because he isn’t going to make any money with those awful books. Does have enemies, though. Possible motive to be a criminal: None. More likely to take out his frustrations on a publisher than Dad.
Basil Hoxby, Pathology. Purplish skin. People fear him. Reads ancient Greek and Roman literature. Afraid of squirrels. Not directly responsible for putting criminals in prison. Former coroner in Swansea. Conclusion: Inner-directed. No enemies. Unlikely to work with others. Too weird. Financial situation unknown, but it doesn’t seem that he needs much money. Possible motive: None. No guts either.
Follifoot Buck, Profiling. Dry sense of humor. Can be snide. Has put many criminals away, including Reiko Flamp, a notorious cybercriminal. Used to be a psychotherapist. Conclusion: Egotistical, smart, knows how to manipulate people. Seems practical, so probably no money problems. He wouldn’t let himself get into a bad situation. Possible motive: None. No connection with Dad.
Christopher Scribbish, Evidence. Affable, good sense of humor. Very public school. A bit scatterbrained. Specializes in cold cases. Testifies in court often. Conclusion: Seems really nice, but those are probably the ones you have to watch out for the most. Does have enemies from all those court appearances. Rather mysterious. Financial situation unknown, but he does wear nice sweaters. Maybe he gets a deal on them or something. Possible motive: Unknown. He’s so shadowy there might be one, though.
Bill Pickle, Textual Analysis and Language. Petty and snobby. Obsessed with his car (a Triumph Roadster) and golf. Skinflint. Knows nine languages. Occasionally testifies in court. Conclusion: Lots of enemies just because he’s so annoying. Financial situation: he could be living beyond his means with that car and all that golf. Motive: Hard to imagine one.
Barry Pole, Fires and Explosions. Burned in a house fire when he was a child. Cheerful. Consults to fire and police departments. Hunts fossils. No contact with criminals. Conclusion: Nice guy, no enemies. Financial situation looks stable, but then you never can tell. Motive: None that I can see.
Trixie Sidebotham, Observation and Research. Reserved and reticent, meticulous. Not well liked. Talks to herself. No direct contact with criminals. Consults to police departments. Conclusion: May have enemies. Financial situation probably fine. What does someone that old need with money? Motive: None I can think of.
Ken Kindseth, Forensic Photography. Boyish, cool, awesome. Has hidden talents. Smells like vinegar. Thought to use Rogaine. Testifies in court occasionally. Conclusion: Nice guy, no enemies, no financial problems, no possible motive.
Julia Browning, Sketching. Flamboyant, dramatic. Transplant from Texas. Paints pictures of caves. No direct contact with criminals. Conclusion: Don’t know her very well. Don’t think she has enemies. No reason to suspect financial difficulties. I think she has a couple of kids, though. They could be expensive. Motive: None, I don’t think.
Ducky Ducey, Logic. Energetic and enthusiastic. Plays guitar. Popular. Always late. Has put criminals in prison, including Biffy Throckmorton, the notorious cat burglar. Conclusion: Lots of enemies. He does have that windsurfing hobby, but how expensive is that? Very nice guy. Motive: None.
Winifred Also, History of Detectives. Athletic, very good at rope climbing. History buff. Writes detective fiction (cozies). Students love her. No contact with criminals. Conclusion. No enemies. Great person, but has that darkness inside. Does travel, so maybe needs money, but she makes extra from her books, so maybe not. Motive: None.
Honoria Pargeter, Toxicology. Lives and breathes poisons. Extensive knowledge of plants. Takes frequent trips to South America. Testifies often. Conclusion: Lots of enemies. Shady character. Needs money to finance those trips. Motive: Don’t know what it is, but there definitely could be one.
Ajay Mukherjee, Legal Issues. Interested in the differences between American, UK, and Indian law. Used to be a crown prosecutor. Pretentious and bombastic. Has put away more criminals than any of the other teachers. Got very close to cracking the Great Train Robbery loot mystery. Conclusion: OMG, is he bad tempered! Very wealthy, though, so no financial needs. Lots of enemies. Motive: Don’t know what, but I wouldn’t put it past him. OTOH, he doesn’t need money, so he probably didn’t do it. Also, he’s a fellow prosecutor, so why would he have it in for Dad?
Bertram McTavish, Procedure. Goes by the book. Likes sports. Testifies in court. Keeps a parakeet named Angela. Conclusion: Don’t know very much about him. Keep possibilities open.
Glassina Tumble, Disguise. Won awards for fashion work in the movie industry. Hard of hearing. Well liked. Demanding. Spent a lot of time in Hollywood and is good with American slang and idioms. No contact with criminals. Conclusion: No way.
Samuel Snool, Weapons. Intimidating. Testifies often. Has pointy handwriting. Conclusion: Very possible. Everything about him is hostile.
Particle Peaksribbon, Self-defense. Skilled in martial arts. Idolizes Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. Cool. Makes frequent trips to China. Consults to police departments. No direct responsibility for putting criminals in prison. Conclusion: Nice guy. Needs money to travel, but makes extra doing consulting so probably okay. No enemies unless he’s beat someone up we don’t know about. Motive: None.
Seashell Feeney, Criminals and Their Methods. Goth. A little crazy from trying to think like a criminal. Occasionally goes undercover. Does not testify. Conclusion: The most likely of all. She knows everything about criminals. Motive: She’s too secretive to know what it might be, but I wouldn’t put it past her.
Saliva Snaffle, Secrets. Very little known about her. Everything seems to be a secret! All we know is that she can tell whether someone is lying. Conclusion: A definite possibility.
Okimma Redleaf, Cyberforensics. Brilliant white hat hacker. No contact with the public or criminals. Believed to have come from somewhere in the heart of Africa or the Amazon jungle, but no one knows for sure. Rumored to have breached computer systems of every major developed nation. Conclusion: Very shady. But if she needed money she could just hack some, so I don’t think it’s her.
Gaston Thrillkill, Headmaster. Specializes in locked room mysteries. Carries a hair dryer. Has put away many criminals, including “Jumbo” Pinchuk, a prominent figure in the Belarus Mafia. Conclusion: A definite possibility.
Some faculty, thought Amanda. A bunch of nut jobs. Almost any one of them might be in on the scheme, except Professors Ducey and Kindseth. She was pretty sure they weren’t involved. They just didn’t seem like the type. Which of course probably meant that they were.
She was reading the list over for the third time when she realized something. Detecting was just like making a movie. You had your characters, each with their motivations. You had a story, which adhered to a certain structure. You had props, costumes, and settings. All this she understood. She could figure this out!
She had to go beyond the obvious character motivation: money. Chances were that quite a few of the teachers had modest bank accounts, with the possible exception of Glassina Tumble, who’d gotten rich in Hollywood. Professor Mukherjee was well to do too—he certainly dressed like he was and he drove that Bentley—but that didn’t prove anything. So money might have been a factor if any of them had spent beyond their means or had some financial emergency, like a sick relative.
There had to be something more, though. In a film the protagonist always has some kind of internal problem. This was something that was making his or her situation diffic
Some of these people seemed to have unhappy personal lives. A number of them were unattached, and several of those seemed to be particularly unsuccessful in love. Could their criminal activity have come about out of that frustration? Perhaps some of them were having family problems. Difficult children? Or parents?
Why didn’t she know more about Christopher Scribbish? He seemed pleasant enough, but nobody seemed to gossip about him and his bio was very skimpy. Maybe he was the one, a man without a past because it was too horrible to mention. And Professor Snaffle. Now there was a weird one. She was stranger than Professor Feeney. Six foot one. Probably from somewhere in Eastern Europe, at least if you judged by her accent, which could be a fake. Probably was, when it came to that. For that matter, how could she be sure that any of the teachers—or the students, or staff—were what they seemed?
Snool, Stegelmeyer, Buck, and Sidebotham were downright unpleasant, a fact that caused Amanda to think that they were too obvious. They had to have issues. No one liked them, for a start. But if they were all like that, what was different about any one of them, really different?
What about Pickle? The man still hadn’t returned and no one knew what had happened to him. The whole thing was very mysterious. But maybe he was a little too obvious as well.
What about the dean of admissions, that Drusilla Canoodle? What did Amanda know about her? Nothing, really. She was an efficient, ordinary-looking middle-aged woman who spent all day behind her desk. No one ever saw or noticed her because she was always tucked away. But if she were the culprit, wouldn’t someone have seen her skulking around? Out of her element she’d be very noticeable.
It had to be somebody with an axe to grind. That was the only thing that made sense. And as far as she knew, there was only one person who fit that bill: the cook’s assistant. There was something in her past that was so bad she’d been blackmailed over it, or extorted, or something. Surely she didn’t have much money or she wouldn’t be working at a job like that, so being involved in a lucrative enterprise like a crooked sugar cartel would improve her financial situation. Amanda wasn’t sure what the threat was about, but the cook’s assistant’s problem had to be related to it. She was sure of it.
Now that she thought she knew why and who, or at least part of the why, Amanda needed to find out what the assistant was up to. Amazingly she hadn’t been fired and was still cooking all the meals. If the woman left the school, Amanda didn’t know what she’d be able to find out. But under the circumstances she might be able to pick up a clue.
Investigators were swarming all over the campus, so the assistant probably couldn’t conduct much illegal business now. The school was still on lockdown, so she couldn’t leave, but she might be able to get messages out. This probably meant her phone. How would Amanda get hold of that? It would mean sneaking into the kitchen again, or picking her pocket.
Then she got an idea. It was brilliant—so brilliant that she stood up and did a little dance. Why hadn’t she thought of it before? Props! No one ever noticed them but they were absolutely essential. The vase on the table, the wallet, the coffee cup. And good old mobile phones, the prop everyone possessed and took so much for granted that no one even noticed them anymore.
“What are you doing?” said Ivy from her desk chair.
“Oh, nothing,” said Amanda. If Ivy could have seen her, she’d have been looking at a big, fat smile.
“Yes you are. I can hear you grinning. What’s going on?”
“Just a little idea,” Amanda said cagily.
“Tell me.”
“Better yet, I should tell him,” she said gesturing at Nigel.
“You’re nuts, you know that?”
“Good thing, too. Ivy, Nigel is about to become a detective.”