Annie's Baby: The Diary of Anonymous, a Pregnant Teenager by Beatrice Sparks
After lunch we walked outside and Danny teased me about the movie we saw last night when we should have been at the library studying. I could barely remember it—I’d been so enraptured by his presence! Actually, I really remember it all, but vaguely. At least everything is vague except the guy literally filling the girl’s room with roses. Why do I remember that part so perfectly and precisely that I can even, at this moment, smell the fragrance of the roses surrounding me, enveloping me, smothering me? I know this sounds corny and hopelessly hokey, but you know how Mom is always encouraging me to be “verbally picturesque.” Her phrase; not mine, remember? She’s told me a million-hundred times that the way to become the writer I want to become is to, every time I take pen or pencil in hand, paint a word picture, right?
It’s a little hard to do in math—but what isn’t hard to do in math? For me anyway.
Hey, as an about-to-be-great writer I’m sure messing up this entry to the max, aren’t I? I know that should be “am I not” but it sounds sooooooo snooty when I say it or write it. Still I guess I’m glad Mom pushes me in the writing directions, or at least I will be when I get older and really try to write for money. Imagine making money doing something you like…no, LOVE TO DO!
Whoa…back up some. How did I get from a room filled with red roses to here? Guess I got so caught up in words that I almost forgot trying to make sense. So! Back to the rose thing. After lunch when Danny and I stretched out on the grass under the library window. It was warm and the tree-leaf shapes and shadows were like a lacy covering snuggling over and around us. Lazily, Danny began telling me about football practice, then suddenly stopped, reached way up over his head and picked a huge sparkling dandelion that was poking out from a crack in the old cement foundation. Gently and slowly, like it was the most precious gift in the world, he handed it to me. “Someday I’ll fill every corner of your room with red roses, but for now I can give you only…”—he looked at the dandelion as though it were a magnificent yellow jewel—“this.”
Our hands met. “It’s greater, more beautiful, more precious than anything in the world,” I said as I put it between our two faces, which were slowly coming together. The little yellow bloom seemed to expand until it touched both his lips and mine. “It’s our very own private sun, in our very own private universe,” I whispered.
“Our sun, our universe,” Danny whispered back as he kissed me.
His kiss carbonated my every blood cell as both the red and the white ones exploded in my body in a manner totally unknown to me before. It was such a secret, sacred experience that I’m surprised that I am even now able, after all my unsure rambling, to share it with YOU!
It was a quiet, quick, gentle little kiss because there are snipes and snitches and eyes and mouths all around our private school, but it was still an experience I will remember with a lovely shuddering all the days of my life. Surely other kids don’t feel this way! They couldn’t!
10:03 p.m.
I’ve been standing at my window looking at the full, full moon and the glittering, sparkling stars surrounding it. I am like one of those stars. And Danny is my moon. How I wish I was a brilliant poet like Elizabeth Barrett Browning and could write the things of my heart to him. When Mom first read her poems to me, I thought they were dumb, dumb, dumb. How wrong I was, or maybe just not then able to understand the language of love. It is like a new language, a new expansion of life. How fortunate I am to now be entering into its new world.
Oh sleep
How I hate to fall into thy arms
And cease the beauty of my thoughts of him
Perchance I’ll dream about
His hand in mine.
A dream divine
A dream divine.
Good night, sweet Prince.
My first of endless poems all meant for thee.
September 28, Thursday
4:27 p.m.
I saw Danny only for a minute today. He had to go meet his father for lunch about some stupid thing, then he had a meeting with Mrs. Bowers and football practice and work and something else idiotic. He did however bring me a very, very, very, special, special gift! Guess what it was? Oh come on, guess. I can’t tell anybody else in the world except you because it’s so…personal and private…so us!
Okay, I know how much you want to know! It was one of the little matchboxes they use to light candles in their restaurant, BUT squished inside were four little chocolate kisses! Isn’t that about the sweetest, dearest, most thoughtful, original thing you’ve ever heard of? Almost better in a way, and more thoughtful than a whole room full of roses, or even dandelions.
September 29, Friday
9:22 p.m.
Danny and I were just beginning to eat our lunches when Bruster and Kel whirlwinded by our table and took him off. He shrugged and gave me a sad little look. I didn’t see him the rest of the day. I know he works most nights at the restaurant, but I wish he’d phone.
By the phone
All alone
All alone
By the phone.
What I’m thinking now is really crazy, but since I’ve known Danny I sort of feel alone even when I’m with other people. Insane, right? Right! But it’s still, somewhere deep on the inside of me, the way I feel. I guess I don’t feel really whole except when I’m with HIM. So when he’s not there, I’m just a shell, kind of. He’s like the spark and I’m the candle. And if the candle isn’t lit, it can’t give off radiance. Do I know what I’m talking about? Yes! But there’s no way to really explain it.
September 30, Saturday
12:56 p.m.
I went to the mall with Jenny and Deanna after school Friday, and today we just hung out, then went to the ice rink. It was fun but not fun like it used to be. I want to be with Danny! They both know I’ve got a thing for him, and they tease me mercilessly, but in a way that’s cool because it lets me know they think we’re something.
I know Danny had to go to a regional football camp this weekend, and I really want him to be there learning to be the best of whatever he can be in every area of his life, but I still resent it in a way.
Good grief, girl, can you possibly be jealous? Is it possible to be jealous of a thing? I don’t know! But for some reason I’m really fragmented about lots of my feelings these days.
I wish I had someone to talk to. Someone who could understand where I’m at. Mom’s looking at my life from her old-fashioned, overprotective side, and Jenny and Deanna would be looking at it from their dumb-as-I-am side. School counselor? No way, there are kids lining up in front of his door all the time. Shrink? Where would I get the money? Church person?…ummmm no. The things I call problems would probably make him laugh.
So…I guess I’m stuck with you, Daisy Diary. From now on you’re going to be my alter ego, right? Well, what do you think?
You think I am jealous? Yikes! Maybe you’re right and I shouldn’t be jealous of him doing things he ought to do, should I? I thought…I don’t know what I thought. Anyway I’ve got to always remember to respect his thoughts and concepts and needs, and remember that they may sometimes be different from mine. That’s mature! And in the last analysis, what I really want, and will ever want, is what he wants and what is best for him!
I’m so glad Mom took psychology classes, and that she’s shared some of the really good concepts with me. I’m going to take psychology classes too as soon as I’m old enough.
October 1, Sunday
2:27 a.m.
I guess it’s really still Saturday! He’ll be home today. I wonder if he’ll call me. I hope he does. I really, really, really hope he does! He’s got to! I’ll die if he doesn’t.
Ode to Danny
I miss your smile
I miss your touch
I miss you very, very much.
I hope, I hope that you miss me.
I’d miss you through eternity.
11:31 a.m.
Oh bleeding, bleeding, bleeding, wounded, hurting heart, how can you bear the pain? I’
Maybe Meg was lying. I hope she was! I know she was!!!! She COULD NOT have seen Danny riding around last night with Tanya, please not Tanya. She’s such an overt slut—everyone knows it.
“Overt: done openly, without attempt at concealment.” Why does my mind drift to stupid things like Mom giving me a dollar for every new word I start using. I’ll never use that word again, ever! Ever! I wish I could tear it out of my mind.
Oh Danny, Danny, Danny, how could you do this to me? You promised me a room full of dandelions soon and a room full of red roses later.
I can understand how you might have found Mardie prettier than I am, or Molly more personable, or Jenny more everything! But Danny, how…how…why…why Tanya?
2:22 p.m.
I’ve been throwing up, with a headache and stuff. Mom thinks I’ve got the flu. I think I’ll go take some of her Niteall. Sleep is the only escape I can think of. I wish I could sleep forever!
4:30 p.m.
Mom woke me about an hour ago. She had a hard time rousing me. When she finally did and told me Danny was on the phone, I tried to burrow down into my covers like a ground squirrel. Thank everything wonderful she insisted I take his call, and, with a shaking voice, I said, “Hello.” I was feeling so scared and betrayed and lonely and lost, it was like a Stephen King movie, totally, totally unreal.
Danny said he’d missed me, and my first inclination was to scream at him that I knew about Tanya, so he couldn’t have missed me too much…but I couldn’t. He sounded so sincere and happy that I didn’t have the heart to rain on his parade. His words tumbled out in a jumble about how hard the team had worked, and how much they’d learned, and how fun it had been, and how when he got home late yesterday afternoon, he’d been so beat both physically and mentally that he’d gone straight to bed.
I’m sooo, sooo, soooo relieved! I know Meg must have seen someone who just looked like him from a distance. She’d said it was “last night,” and it’s easy to not see things clearly in dim light.
Isn’t it strange how your life can change from black tarry quicksand depression to bird-singing, lilac-blooming, sunshine happiness? That’s what mine is now—well…a little late for lilacs, but I find myself smiling, grinning, beaming all over (even on the inside of me). It’s never too late for dandelions in one’s life! Something deep in the deepest part of my heart tells me that he will bring me one when he comes by. Mom’s going to her friend Nell’s in a little while, so that won’t be any problem, and Mrs. Brushel, “pokey nose,” won’t be able to see Danny and me drive away because her apartment faces on the side street, and ours is on the front.
Oh glorious day
Hey, hey, hey
I want to write a song to share all the happy music I feel inside with the world.
If I didn’t have YOU, dear Daisy Diary, to share my happiness with, I positively, absolutely, think I would burst and splatter all over the room in little blobs of happy sunshine. Nutty, yeah?
“Yeah.”
Okay, so now you’re talking back!
Well, it’s still the way it is, so there!
What will I wear?
How will I fix my hair?
No time to spare.
10:47 p.m.
I told Mom I was going to Jenny’s to study. Then I alerted Jenny, and I went out with Danny.
Mom was really mad when I came in because I was supposed to be home by 9:30, but even her being cyber-spaced can’t dampen my happiness! Oh, Daisy, Danny is so wonderful, so perfect, so beautiful…I know we shouldn’t call males beautiful, BUT HE IS! He’s like a young Greek god, a youthful David that Michelangelo sculpted. I’m so lucky, lucky, lucky to have HIM like ordinary me!
We played tennis; then we drove up to the top of Hampton Hill. I’d never been there before, but of course, I’ve heard about IT and actually once wondered if I’d ever be asked to go there.
The city down below us looked like a little fairyland of tinkling lights or a million-zillion miniature Christimas trees with blinking bulbs going on and off. Danny said he felt like we were in Alice’s Wonderland or in Gulliver’s travels.
He had promised me on the way up that he wasn’t going to the place the kids call HOME BASE. You know the place where…anyway, he said he just wanted to show me the lights and pretend we were Gulliver’s travelers ourselves or on our own Aladdin-like magic carpet floating out over the world. He also said not everyone went up Hampton Hill to “do the deed,” that a lot of them, like him, just went up to enjoy the view and the peace and outdoor wildness of everything. When he explained that, I felt so proud of him and so respected and safe with him that I covered his face with kisses. Actually it was the first time I’d really kissed a boy. Oh, little smacks with Jay and a couple of others, but never, never, never a real tight-type gooey kiss.
I’d never imagined the static electricity and mind-body control…maybe…mind-out-of-control-power of…but anyway, just as I was beginning to float out into some kind of foreign, exotic never-never land, we saw a police car coming up the road toward us. I was so scared, I started sniveling.
Danny gave me a shake that made my teeth rattle. “Stop crying! Pull yourself together!” he said very sternly (actually, I guess it was just authoritatively, so I would stop blubbering). “You want to make the cops think I was trying to rape you or some other dumb thing?”
I blew my nose, wiped away the tears, and he apologized gently. “You know I wouldn’t get you, above all people, into trouble for anything in the world.”
The police shined their lights into our car, but by then we were sitting far apart and had turned the radio station to a hard rock one instead of romantic soft stuff. I was shaking so hard, I thought I was going to bounce out of the car.
“You kids better get out of here,” they warned on their loudspeaker and Danny immediately obeyed.
On the way down the hill, Danny asked quietly, “You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”
I nodded ever so slightly, in some stupid way feeling almost embarrassed.
He pulled his arm from around my shoulder and sat up straight and stiff. “So am I.”
Oh, Daisy, you don’t know how safe that made me feel. I couldn’t say this even to Jenny but…well, we didn’t do too much beyond kiss, really soulful kissing and…but I’m really glad he’s so respectful of both himself and me. He just gave me a little peck when we got home.
October 2, Monday
4:31 p.m.
Saw Danny in the hall outside the cafeteria. He said he had to eat with a couple of guys on the team because they were planning game strategies. It really hurt me because he seemed so distant, but I guess that’s because he feels so responsible to the team. Actually, if I was a mature person, I would probably feel proud of him because he takes his responsibilities so seriously…and actually I do! I DO! I DO! I’ve got to help him in every way to be the best him he can be! I can’t wait till I can take some psych classes. Maybe I’ll go to the library and get a book.
October 3, Tuesday
9:47 p.m.
Jenny and I went to the Pro Shop after school to get me some new soccer shorts, and then later I went to the market with Mom to get stuff for the party she’s having Thursday night for her school’s Honor Students. She’s in charge of the program, and I’m proud of her. She’s trying to train me to be one of her Honor Students when I’m in high school, and I’m trying. They do lots of fun things, like go to State and stuff, some even make it to Nationals. I don’t know if I can do that, but I’m certainly going to give it my best try.
Mom took me out to dinner at Mi Casita, my very favorite Mexican restaurant, but somehow even that wasn’t as fun as usual. I guess I’m really hung up on Danny. I don’t seem to be able to really enjoy things when he’s not there. I’m thinking about him, feeling him close to me, all the time. Even when I should be thinking about or doing other things. It’s kind of l
Sorry, gotta go now and do homework. I’m not usually a procrastinator, but it’s been hard to get settled down with it tonight.
October 5, Thursday
9:19 p.m.
I’m really getting miffed with Danny’s team and his dad. Between the two of them, he’s almost ignoring me. I know I should be more understanding and all that, and I do understand that his dad is renovating the big main dining room and needs him, and that he’s very important to the team too, but there should be a few minutes for ME somewhere in the day or night. He tells me there will be soon. I hope I can wait. I guess I don’t have any choice…wish I did.
October 7, Saturday
10:10 p.m.
Took Peg’s place on the older tennis team at the very last moment at the State run-off. It was weird because I’d played all day with my own group, still…guess what? Can you believe we won! Me playing the best game I’ve ever played. It was a fluke because I’ve never done very well in doubles. It was awesome! Really truly awesome!
10:38 p.m.
It would have been more awesome if Danny had been there.
October 10, Tuesday
4:16 p.m.
Danny and I had lunch together and my heart was singing till Tad came up and dragged him off for a guy thing. I am beginning to feel deeply resentful…jealous? Yes! Jealous of everything and everybody, especially Tanya, who always seems to be hanging around. I hate her! And I hate Tad and the other guys who are always kissing up to him because Danny has the cool car and he’s older and…I’M GREEN-EYED, SUSPICIOUS, ENVIOUS, STUPID and I’ve got to stop it!