Atone (The Patronus: #2.5) by Sarah M. Ross
Amazon Edition
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Atone
The Patronus Series Novella
Copyright © 2012 by Sarah M. Ross
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the above author of this book.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
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Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Acknowledgments
About the Author
This one is for my Patronus Posse, the best street team I could ever ask for! Thank you so much for all of your hard work and dedication.
Prologue
November, 1879
The bitter wind assailed my face and neck as we hurried from the carriage toward our house. I swung open the front gate, noting the shriek of the rusty metal. I made a mental note to oil that, but right now I had a bigger concern.
“I’ll be right in, sweetheart. I want to lay some sand on the front walk first. I’m afraid we may get another frost tonight, and I want to be prepared.” I kissed my beautiful wife on the cheek.
Her big brown eyes scanned up and down my body. I could see the love—and lust—swirling in them. “It’ll be fine. C’mon, I want to thank you for my belated birthday present.”
“Is that so?”
She wrapped her arms around me, tenderly kissing my jaw and neck. The bite from the wind disappeared with her touch. Her delicate fingers wrapped in my hair, gently pulling me closer to her petite frame. I eagerly returned her kiss but stopped after a moment. “We shouldn’t do this here. Go ahead in and check on Nathanial. I know you’ve been anxious to see him all night. I’ll be just a few minutes behind you. And we’ll pick up right where we left off.”
“Promise?”
She nibbled her bottom lip, drawing my attention and driving me crazy until I almost abandoned my task. “Oh, I promise. Go on.”
I took a playful swat at her behind as she hurried into the house, no doubt heading directly into the nursery. It was the first time we’d been away from Nathanial since he’d been born seven months earlier. Now that he was nearly weaned, we had a little more flexibility. She hadn’t wanted to leave tonight, but we’d missed celebrating her birthday the month before, and tonight the University had put on a performance of her favorite play, Taming of the Shrew.
I rounded the house and gathered a bucket of sand from the shed. We usually didn’t get too many harsh winter days like this in our area of Florida, but Old Man Winter was on a rampage this year. A branch from our large Southern Live Oak tree scraped ominously against the tin roof of the shed, reminding me of nails on a blackboard. I shivered, trying to downplay the feeling of dread creeping through me as just a side effect of the weather.
I hurried back to the front of the house and sprinkled the coarse sand along the cobbled walkway, careful not to get any in the azalea bush, when a loud thump echoed from inside the house. Setting the pail down, I turned toward the house, straining to hear what might have caused the sound.
“Grace?” I called out to my wife. “Everything okay?” The door was still ajar, which was unlike Grace. She would have shut it tight to make sure Nathanial didn’t feel a draft. Another shiver ran through me.
Hearing no reply, I took a few tentative steps toward the front door, hearing only the crunch of the freshly laid sand below my feet. The house was still silent, which set my nerves on edge. Shouldn’t Grace be talking to Beth Ann about how the night went? Or the girl’s upcoming plans to attend the cotillion hosted by her uncle? At almost nineteen, her family was anxious to see her courted by young men, though her awkward manners made her chances minute.
I crept up the two steps to the front porch when a hushed moan came from inside. Panic swelled in my chest, and I flew across the porch and shoved the front door wide open. “Grace? Where are you?” I called, needing to hear the sound of her voice.
At first, I saw nothing. Everything looked in its place as I scanned the foyer. The vase holding the flowers I had given Grace last week still sat in the center of the table to my left. One of her elegant suede shoes stood just below, kicked off the moment she walked in most likely. But where was the other? I started to walk into the kitchen when I heard wailing above me.
“Nathanial,” I murmured, taking the stairs two at a time to reach him. I made it to the entrance of the nursery when I saw the blood. Lots of blood. It coated the floor, seeping into the plush rug we’d purchased just the other day in anticipation of him crawling.
My breath caught in my throat. There, lying at the foot of the crib, was Grace. Her eyes were glassed over with still-fresh tears streaking down her face. I choked out a sob as I rushed to her side. “What happened? Where’s Nathanial?” I cried. I wanted her to answer me—to say something, but I knew she was already gone.
“NO!” A righteous fury filled my body. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill whoever had done this to her.
I moved her wet, sticky hair aside to feel for a pulse. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this without you.” I cradled her head into my lap while my hands searched for the source of the blood. If I could somehow stop the blood from flowing, then maybe she’d be okay…
I didn’t cry out as the white-hot pain of the knife sliced through my back. It was almost as if I expected it somehow. I should have. It was stupid of me not to even check for the intruder. My body crumpled as the blade pierced me a second time, this time in the neck. I tilted my head to look above me, though I suspected who I’d find. Beth Ann had a knife from the kitchen clasped in both of her hands. Her eyes were wide. Maybe she was shocked at her actions, or shocked that I was so easy to take down. I’m sure she expected more of a fight, but I’d been too distraught over Grace. She was my everything.
Beth Ann dropped the knife. Her hands, covered in my blood and Grace’s, shook. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I had to. It was my only chance. He is my only chance,” she explained, voice shaking as much as her hands.
I wanted to reply, but when I tried, only a strangled gurgling sound came out. I could feel myself becoming cold. And tired. I lifted my eyes to Beth Ann, pleading with her. She had found a cloth and was wiping away the blood, reminding me of Lady Macbeth. When her hands were stained to only a dull pink, she tossed the cloth to the floor and leaned over the crib.
“Shh, it’ll be okay, Nathanial. I’m going to take good care of you,” she cooed.
Fiery anger bubbled within me. I knew I was going to die, but it wouldn’t stop me from trying everything in my power to save Nathanial. I couldn’t save Grace, but maybe I could save him. I struggled to roll to my side, needing leverage to thrust my body toward Beth Ann. Even if I had to gnaw on her ankles to stop her, I’d do anything I could to protect my boy.
I felt the blood pooling out of my neck with each movement. The hot, thick liquid warmed my cooling
Beth Ann scooped Nathanial up, swaddling him in layers of thick blankets to battle against the cold night. I reached for my son, but she jumped out of my reach.
“He’s mine now, Mr. Kensington. You can’t have him back.” Her voice was even and deadly calm. Her eyes held no guilt or remorse anymore, even as she stepped over Grace’s body.
This—all of this—was my fault. I had let her into our home. I had entrusted her with our son. Grace hadn’t even wanted to leave tonight, but I convinced her. Her death was my fault. It was my selfishness in wanting Grace all to myself for one night. Now I’d never see her again.
The harsh clicking of heels against the hardwood floors drew my attention out of my thoughts. I turned just in time to see Beth Ann’s back retreating down the stairs with Nathanial snug in her arms. With the stab wound to my neck, I couldn’t even call out for help. And in the next moment, she was gone.
They were gone.
Silent tears rolled down my cheeks. I’m so sorry, Grace, I thought, my eyes growing heavy as my body became colder. I will never forgive myself. I couldn’t save you. I should have protected you. Protected Nathanial.
I was silent for a long time, just staring into her lifeless eyes. I cursed every God I knew—Jesus, Allah, Brahma, Buddha, Yahweh, and hell, even Zeus for good measure for allowing this to happen. With all the thieves, murderers, and evil scum walking around on this earth, why take Grace? No, I was convinced now that there was no God, for any supreme being would see the injustice of this and refuse to allow it.
Straining with every ounce of strength that remained, I stretched my hand forward and clasped it in Grace’s. My thumb made slow, gentle circles along her palm. As my breaths grew shallower, I kissed her cooling fingertips. Goodbye, my love. I never deserved a love such as yours. I hope you find peace now. If there is a God, at least I know you’ll be in a better place. And I, I’ll be getting what I deserve.
Chapter One
One Year Later
“You’ve gotta stop this, man.”
I closed the book I was reading and slid my body in front of the damning evidence. “Hey, James. How’s it going?” Yeah, my “cool and collected” tone wasn’t even fooling me.
“I’ve told you before, you really need to stop checking that damn book. It’s not healthy. You’ve got to find some way to forgive yourself and move on. And you won’t find that in the Book of the Dead.”
My shoulders slumped, and I squeezed my eyes shut. We’d had this same argument for the last year, and while I knew in my head that he was right, my heart just wouldn’t let go. Not that I’d admit it to him. “It’s nothing, James. I was just curious.”
“Curious enough to break in, steal the book—repeatedly, might I add—and risk your role as a Patronus? I don’t buy it.” He stared down at me, practically daring me to admit it. But I couldn’t do that. I might be a pathetic sap, but at least I was the only one who knew it. Everyone else just thought I was an asshole. Yeah, like that was so much better.
James took a seat next to me at the table but didn’t respond. I tilted my head toward him and saw that he was deep in thought. I hoped he wasn’t going to try to talk me out of this again; I was running out of excuses. I wasn’t even supposed to have the damn book. Every night, I’d slipped in to the office where it was kept, and after spending hours meticulously going through each name—twice—I’d slip back just before dawn and replace it.
James knew all of this. He had caught me a few months ago sneaking out of the office and reamed me good. I was sure I was going to get kicked out of the program, or at least demoted, but he kept the information to himself. He didn’t say a word about it to me or anyone else. At first I thought maybe he was going to use this against me somehow, get me to do his grunt work or something, but it was as if he never saw it. Now, I’d been caught again. I was getting sloppy, allowing my emotions to outweigh my logic. I knew James wouldn’t let this go a second time, so we sat there silently, side by side in the Commons, for what seemed like an hour before he finally spoke again.
“Max, you’re an excellent Patronus. You’re calm under pressure, you command authority, the spirits feel safe with you—” I scoffed at the irony of that statement, but James ignored me and continued. “You’re a fierce fighter and you’re going to make an excellent leader one day. During your orientation, you had the highest marks of all the recruits. But you’ve not made a single friend since you arrived. You go straight from an assignment to your room and shut yourself in. You eat your meals alone and spend any free time with that damn book. Don’t think I’m an idiot. I know you sneak into that office every day.”
I wanted to argue with him, but I wasn’t even sure which point I should start with. I nodded and allowed him to continue.
“I can see it in your eyes when you’re protecting a soul. You love it. When you’re out there, you’re in your element. But when you come back, you brood and push everyone away. It’s like you’re two different people.”
My fists balled at his assertion. “Listen, I do my job and I do it better than most. I don’t need friends, and I certainly don’t need you presuming to know me or what I’m thinking. So just back the fuck up already.”
“And there’s the fire,” James interrupted, crossing his arms triumphantly.
“What?”
“The fight. The fire. The passion for something other than finding out what happened to your son. I’ve been waiting to see it come out of you. Your guilt over your wife’s death seems to douse your fire and stamp out all of your fight when you’re not on the job. I was honestly starting to rethink recommending you for a new role. I had to make sure you were strong enough for it, but when you come in here every night with the weight of the world on your shoulders and growling when someone even says hello, I wasn’t sure you were the right man for the job. Now if I can get that fire to stay on the surface instead of buried deep under your heavy heart...” he trailed off.
I ground my teeth and gripped the pint I’d forgotten about and that was now flat. “James, what are you talking about? I do my job, and I enjoy doing my job. Stay out of my personal life.”
“But that’s just it. You have no personal life. You have your job, and you have wallowing in self-pity. That’s not a life. In fact, that’s the opposite of a life.”
“I’m doing the best that I can,” I ground out through clenched teeth. I was over his attempt to play therapist, and now he was just pissing me off.
“No, you’re not. You’re not doing anything. You are lying down in a fetal position and allowing it to rule you. If I hadn’t witnessed it myself, I wouldn’t have believed it. I can’t believe such a strong person could act so weak.”
That’s it. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I wanted to punch the shit out of James, but instead, tears filled my eyes. I was such a girl. “What exactly would you like me to do? Pretend my son is just fine and not being raised by a murdering psychopath? Or maybe forget that my wife died because I hired said psychopath against my wife’s better judgment?” I was screaming now, and people in the Commons were turning to stare at me. I lowered my voice and took a deep breath. “What would you like me to do?”
James clapped his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “I want you to forgive yourself. You can’t move on until you do.”
I inhaled a shaky breath and held it in my burning lungs to keep the tears that threatened at bay. He was right, I hadn’t forgiven myself. But how could I? I didn’t deserve it, and no matter how hard I worked as a Patronus, or how many lives I protected, none of it would make up for the two I couldn’t.
“James, I don’t know how. I won’t be able to even begin trying until I know he’s okay. It’s the not knowing. I can’t let go of the guilt. I know I can’t be his parent anymore, but I’ll always be his dad. I need to make sure he’s safe.” My voice shook
“Max—”
“He was taken because of me. Grace died because of me. I missed his first steps, his first words.” I scrubbed my hand across my forehead. “I just need to know.”
James pushed his stool away and stood up. “I’ll see what I can do. But I can’t promise you anything, so please don’t get your hopes up. And it’ll probably take some time.” I nodded, ready to hug him and solidify my status as a pathetic dame when he continued. “If I do this for you, I’m going to need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” I vowed. I’d cut out my own heart if he asked.
“I need you to live. No more checking the book. No more sulking in your room. Get out, make friends, have a drink, laugh a little.”
I chuckled at the idea. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’ve pushed everyone who’s tried away. No one even bothers to say hello anymore.” Wow, just saying the words made me realize what an ass I’d been. How had I turned into this shell of a person?
“Come with me. I want to introduce you to a few people.”
I stood up and followed as James walked to the opposite side of the Commons where a few guys were sitting around a card table playing poker and drinking. I’d seen them, but couldn’t remember their names.
“Gentleman, I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Max Kensington. He’s been with us just over a year but hasn’t gotten out much. I thought maybe we could join you for a game of poker tonight.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and rocked back a bit on my heels. The men stopped and placed their cards down on the table to assess me. Two of the smaller guys eyed each other, their eyes revealing that they’d heard about my surly reputation and probably didn’t want me ruining their night off. I couldn’t blame them. The biggest of the guys ignored his friends and stood, offering his hand. I removed my own from my pocket, wiping the sweat off on my leg before shaking his hand.