Autoboyography by Christina Lauren
“I like it,” he whispers. “But it’s not going in your new book, right?”
I shake my head. Lie number two.
“Are there more?”
I nod.
“Use your words, Tanner,” he says, laughing at the end.
“There are more, but I’m, um, writing about something else now.”
He nods. “What’s the new one about?”
I blink over to the window, making this up on the fly. “Same idea, but he doesn’t fall in love with the bishop’s son.”
I watch as the words “fall in love” roll over him. His mouth twitches. “So you’ll let me read it?”
“Yeah.” I nod quickly. “When there’s enough to read.” The implication of this makes me queasy, but I know at some point I’ll have to stop writing about Sebastian, write something else, and let him and Fujita read it. The weirdest part? I don’t want to stop writing about Sebastian. It’s almost like I need to keep writing it in order to find out how it ends.
He lets go of my arm and walks over to my bed, sitting down on it. My heart dumps fuel everywhere; there’s drag racing happening in my veins.
“I got my author copies today. I want you to read my book too,” he says, fidgeting with a hangnail. “But I’m worried you’ll think it’s terrible.”
“I’m worried I’ll think it’s amazing and I’ll be even more obsessed with you than I am.”
Thankfully, he laughs at this like I hope he will. “I’m nervous.”
“About the book coming out?”
He nods.
“Are you writing a second one?”
Another nod. “It was a three-book deal. And I really love it. It feels like what I’m supposed to be doing.” He looks up at me, and the light coming in the window catches his eyes in a way that seems nearly divine. “After the hike,” he says, and then nods to me for confirmation, as if I would somehow not know what he’s referring to, “I went home and . . .”
Jerked off? “Freaked out?”
He laughs. “No. I prayed.”
“That sounds like freaking out.”
Sebastian shakes his head. “No. Praying is calming.” He stares at my wall, where I have a framed photograph of the Golden Gate Bridge that Dad took a few years before we moved. “I haven’t felt guilty about it,” he says, quieter now. “Which is unexpected.”
I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear him say that until he did. I feel like a pool raft, lazily deflating in the sun.
“Guilt is sort of a sign that I’m doing something wrong,” he says, “and when I feel peaceful, I know God approves of what I’m doing.”
I open my mouth to reply, but turns out, I have no idea what to say to that.
“Sometimes I wonder whether it’s God or the church that feels the strongest about these things.”
“My opinion?” I say carefully. “A God worthy of your eternal love wouldn’t judge you for who you love while you’re here.”
He nods at this for a few seconds and finally smiles shyly up at me.
“Will you come over here?” he asks, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen him wearing an unsure smile.
I ease down next to him on the bed, and not only can I feel how much I’m shaking, but I can see it. I clamp my hands between my knees to keep them from flapping across the mattress.
I’m around six foot three. He’s probably five foot ten, but right now his emanating calm seems to loom over me like the shade of the big willow tree out back. He twists, planting his right fist at my hip, and his left hand comes up to my chest, pressing gently until I realize he’s urging me to lie back. Having lost all voluntary muscle control, I essentially collapse onto the mattress, and he hovers over me, looking down.
He got a haircut this morning, I realize. The sides are cut close to his scalp again, and the top is soft and floppy. His dancing lake-in-the-sun eyes stare down at me, and I’m possessed by heat, and need to feel, and feel, and feel.
“Thanks for coming to dinner last night,” he says, and his gaze is doing a full circuit of my face. Over my forehead and down my cheeks, hovering near my mouth.
His eyes flicker down, watching me swallow before I say, “Your family is nice.”
“Yeah.”
“They probably thought I was a lunatic?”
He grins. “Only a little.”
“You got a haircut.”
His eyes go unfocused, staring at my mouth. “Yeah.”
I bite my lip, wanting to roar because of how he’s looking at me. “I like it. A lot.”
“Yeah? Good.”
God, enough small talk. I pull him to me, my hand on the back of his neck, and he comes down immediately, mouth over mine, weight partially on me, breath leaving his lips in a relieved gust. It starts so slow, this relieved, leisurely kissing. First through self-conscious smiles and then with the confidence that this—us—is so good it aches.
And it ramps up from there, like a plane at takeoff, and we’re infected at the same time with something wilder and more desperate. I don’t want to think that we’re hungry like this because there is a ticking clock. I am unwilling to play the chess game too many moves ahead. Instead, I think we’re hungry like this because we feel something deeper. Something like love.
His chest rests on mine and his hands are in my hair and he makes these small, deep sounds that slowly unravel me until the only word I can think, over and over, is yes.
Everything feels yes.
His mouth is yes, and his hands are yes, and over me, on top of me now, he’s moving and yes, yes, yes.
I run my hands down his back and under his shirt to the warm skin of his torso. Yes. There’s no time to appreciate that I’ve answered my own garment question because then his shirt is off, yes, and mine comes off; skin to skin is
Y
E
S
and I’ve never been on bottom like this, never wrapped my leg around someone’s hip, never felt this kind of shifting and friction, and he tells me he thinks about me every second
yes
and tells me he’s never felt this way, he likes to suck on my bottom lip, he wants to pause time so we can kiss for hours
yes
and I tell him truthfully that nothing ever felt as good as this does, and he laughs into my mouth again because I’m sure it’s obvious how into this I am. I am a monster beneath him, with arching hips, an octopus with hands everywhere at once. I don’t think anything in the history of time has felt this good.
“I want to know everything about you,” he says into me, frantic now, his mouth moving over my jaw, stubble scraping my neck.
“I’ll tell you anything.”
“Are you my boyfriend?” he asks, and then sucks my bottom lip before laughing at himself, as if this isn’t the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me in the history of my life.
“Um, yes.”
Boyfriend. Yes.
“Even if I’m your boyfriend now, I won’t tell anyone about this,” I whisper.
“I know.”
His hand comes over me, between us—oh my God—and through my track pants it seems so innocent and so dirty at the same time, but the dirty is washed away when I look up and realize he’s watching my face, awestruck.
And I get it. I’ve never done that either.
In a daze, I reach down too. His eyes roll back before they fall closed.
It doesn’t feel real. How can this be real?
He moves forward once, and again, and this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever done—
I don’t even hear the footsteps or the door before I hear my dad’s mortified “Oh!” and the door slam shut.
Sebastian vaults off me, turning to face the wall, his hands pressed to his face. In the ringing silence, I’m not sure what’s just happened.
I mean, I know what happened, but it went so fast that for a few pounding heartbeats I think I can pretend that he and I just shared the same hallucination.
This is so
But without a doubt, this is so much more humiliating for Sebastian.
“Hey,” I say.
“This is bad,” he whispers. He doesn’t drop his hands, doesn’t turn back to me. His back is bare, and a map of muscle. I’m drowning in dueling reactions: giddy that I have a hot boyfriend now, and terrified that this one moment has ruined everything.
“Hey,” I say again. “He’s not going to call your parents.”
“This is so bad.”
“Just come here, okay?”
Turning slowly, he walks back over, lowering himself onto the bed without looking at me.
He groans. “Your dad walked in on us.”
I take a beat to find the best response, settling on, “Yeah, but he’s probably more mortified than we are.”
“I highly doubt that.”
I knew he wouldn’t go for that line of reasoning, but it was worth a try. “Look at me.”
After about ten seconds, he does. I see how he softens, and the relief of that makes me want to stand up and pound my chest. “It’s okay,” I whisper. “He isn’t going to tell anyone. He’s probably just going to talk to me later.”
As in, he will for sure talk to me later.
With a defeated exhale, Sebastian closes his eyes. “Okay.”
I lean forward, and I think he senses my proximity even if he doesn’t open his eyes because his mouth twitches in a suppressed smile. Pressing my lips to his, I offer up my bottom lip, the one he likes to suck, and wait for him to respond. Slowly, he does. It’s nothing like the heat of before, but it’s real.
He pulls away, standing and reaching for his shirt. “I’m going to head home.”
“I’m going to stay right here.”
Sebastian fights another grin at the implication of this, and then I watch as the mask slowly slips into place. His forehead relaxes, and a vibrant light comes into his eyes. The easy smile I’m learning to distrust spreads across his face. “Walk me out?”
• • •
It takes Dad only fifteen minutes after Sebastian has left to come to my room. His knock is tentative, almost apologetic.
“Come in.”
He steps in, shutting the door carefully behind him.
I’m not sure whether I should be angry or remorseful, and the combination sends prickly static across my skin.
Dad walks to my desk chair and takes a seat. “First, I should apologize for not knocking the first time.”
I place my open book facedown on my chest, looking over at him from where I’m lying on the bed. “Agreed.”
“I don’t know what to say beyond that.” He scratches his jaw and then reconsiders. “No, that isn’t quite true. I know what I want to say, but not where I should start.”
Pushing to sit up, I swivel to face him. “Okay?”
“I know how you feel about Sebastian. And I’m pretty sure it’s reciprocated.”
“Yeah . . .”
“I also know that you feel this genuinely, and not out of some curiosity or rebellion.”
How do I even respond to this? I nod, aware that my expression is mostly one of vague confusion.
“Does Autumn know?”
I blink, confused. “Auddy?”
“Your best friend, yes.”
“I’m not out to Autumn, Dad. I’m not out to anyone, remember? Like Mom wants?”
“Look,” Dad says, resting a hand on my knee. “Two other things I want to say. I’ll start with the easy one. It’s tempting, when you fall for someone, to ignore everything else in your world.”
“I’m not ignoring Audd—”
“I’m not finished,” Dad says, voice gently stern. “I need you to promise me that you are taking care of your other relationships. That you are spending time with Autumn and Eric and Manny. That you are still being a role model for Hailey. That you are being an attentive and helpful son to your mother.”
I nod. “I promise.”
“The reason I say that is because it’s important you keep your life full, regardless of how deep your relationship with Sebastian becomes. This is independent of his religion. If it continues, and works out somehow, then you’ll want friends who accept and support you. And if, for whatever reason, it does not work out, you’ll need to have people you can turn to.”
I stare at the floor, feeling an odd warring reaction inside. He’s right. It makes sense. But I hate the implication that I don’t know this already.
“The other thing I wanted to tell you . . .” Dad scratches his jaw, looking away. “I don’t share your mother’s history with the church, so my reaction to your relationship is drastically different from hers.” He meets my eyes again. “That said, I don’t think she’s wrong. I don’t necessarily agree with each of her reasons for warning you off, but I do agree that it’s complicated. I assume his parents wouldn’t approve?”
“I think it goes a shade beyond disapproval.”
Dad is already nodding at this. “So anytime you’re with him, you’re going behind his parents’ backs.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t love that,” he admits quietly. “I like to think that if the situation were reversed, you would either be open with us, or not betray our wishes while you lived at home.”
“The difference, Dad, is I can be open with you.”
“The thing is, Tann, you’re eighteen, and what you do with your body is your choice. But what you do under my roof is still something I have a say over.”
Oh.
“I love you and your sister and your mother more than anything on this planet; you know that.”
“I know.”
“And I know you are attracted to girls, and boys. I know you’re going to experiment, and I never, for one second, begrudge you that.” He meets my eyes. “The complexity here is not that Sebastian is male. If I had walked in on you with someone outside the church, I probably wouldn’t have even said anything, and we’d exchange a knowing look across the dinner table and that would be that.”
My desire to curl into a ball and rock in the corner rises. This is so awkward.
“But I don’t want you and Sebastian using our house to sneak around behind his parents’ backs.”
“Dad,” I say, face hot. “We don’t have a lot of other options.”
“Sebastian is an adult. He can move out if he wants his own space with his own rules.”
This, right here, is essentially Dad closing the door on any discussion. I know this opinion comes from experience. And sitting here, staring at the face I know nearly as well as my own, I realize how hard it is for Dad to say this to me.
After all, according to his family, he fell in love with the wrong woman twenty-two years ago.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Autumn’s mom answers the door, stepping back to let me in. She gave her daughter the dimpled smile genes, but that’s about it. Auddy is all red hair and freckled nose and bright blue eyes. Mrs. Green has black hair, brown eyes, olive skin. I wonder what it’s like to every day look at a daughter who is so similar to Mrs. Green’s dead husband. It’s either wonderful, or heartbreaking. Most likely it’s a combination of both.
We have a routine: I kiss her cheek hello, and she tells me she has some Yoo-hoos in the fridge, and I act excited. They’re the weirdest thing, like watery chocolate milk in juice boxes. I mentioned I liked them one time to Mrs. Green, my first summer here, and she’s been buying them for me ever since. Now I always feel obligated to take one with me on my way up to Auddy’s room, but, actually, I can’t stomach them anymore. We’ve been doing a small science experiment with a plant on her shelf: Can African violets survive solely on Yoo-hoo?
Princess Autumn is sprawled on her floor with a draft of her chapters in front of her. She’s even marking it up with a red pen; I can’t make this shit up.
She doesn’t even look up when I enter. “Don’t be patronizing.”
“Don’t you know that red pen can be viewed as harsh and can hurt students’ esteem? Better to use purple.”
Blue eyes turn up to my face. “I like red.”
Her long ginger hair is piled in an enormous bun atop her head. “I know you do.”
Pushing off her elbows, she moves to sit up, cross-legged now. “What are you doing here?”
This hurts a bit, because it tells me Dad is right. Before Sebastian, it wouldn’t be weird for me to just come over here anytime. Now I see Auddy maybe once a week outside of school, and spend so much more time alone, writing words and words and words about him, no matter how much my brain screams at me to start the new book. “I can’t stop by and hang with my best girl?”
“You’ve been busy.”
“So have you.” I give her a meaningful eyebrow waggle. “Did you have fun with Eric the other night?”
“If by ‘fun’ you mean ‘make out until our faces fell off,’ then yes.”
My jaw drops. “Seriously?”
She nods, blushing through her freckles.
“And how many ‘your mom’ jokes did he make?”
Laughing, she sings, “None!”
“I don’t believe you.” To Eric, everything is an opportunity for a your mom or that’s what she said joke. It doesn’t matter how many times we remind him it’s no longer 2013.
“It was fun,” she says, leaning back against her bed. “I like him.”
I reach forward, pinching her cheek. There’s something tight inside me. It isn’t jealousy exactly, but it’s some weird sense of loss, like it isn’t Tanner and Autumn versus everyone else anymore. We both have other people now.
Even if we don’t know it yet.
“What’s that face?” She draws a circle in the air in front of me.
“Just thinking.” I pick up her red pen, doodle on the sole of my sneaker. “I wanted to talk to you.”
“This sounds serious.”
“It’s not.” I narrow my eyes, thinking. “No, it is, I guess. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t say anything, so I look up at her, trying to read her expression. I know Autumn better than I know almost anyone, but right now I can’t decipher what she’s thinking.