Bad Luck by Pseudonymous Bosch
Almost as long as dragons take to die, and dragons were the very old thing that plagued him all his life.
No matter how hard he tried, Science could not explain dragons. They breathed fire, yet they had no internal combustion engines. They flew as if they were weightless, and yet their scales were as heavy as lead. Worst of all, they smiled their terrible smiles, and Science never got the joke. He wasn’t even sure there was a joke.
You see, dragons are unknowable because they are the unknown. This may sound redundant, or like a tautology, if you know what a tautology is, but that’s only because you’re not a dragon.* At the same time, even though they are the unknown, dragons know all. Dragons are the wildest beasts in the world, but they are also the wisest. This may sound contradictory, or like a paradox, if you know what a paradox is, but again that’s only because you’re not a dragon.**
Unless you are a dragon. Which would very much surprise me. It would also scare me. I hope you’re not a dragon.
Back to the myth:
Magic was not scared of dragons. She thought dragons were cute. At least, she thought they were cute when she was a young girl and she was lucky enough to see some baby dragons hatching from their shells. (*Awww.*) She had seen few dragons in the years since and now had no particular opinion about whether they were cute or not, but if pressed, she probably would have said not. When you are scorned by everyone you meet, you don’t find many things cute.
In any event, when a very old and very large dragon unexpectedly alighted on the doorstep of her cave, its long dragon tail knocking over her favorite yew tree and its fiery dragon breath singeing her cat’s fur, her first thought was not that the dragon was cute. Her first thought was that the dragon had better have a very good reason for visiting, and that is exactly what she told the dragon.
We are here because you called us, said the dragon. Although the dragon didn’t exactly say it. (As you may know, dragons don’t really say anything. If they want to communicate an idea to you, the idea just appears in your head as if it’s always been there. It’s a bit like being hypnotized. It can be disconcerting if you’re not used to it.)
I don’t remember calling you, said Magic.
You will, said the dragon.
I will call you, or I will remember calling you?
A distinction without a difference, said the dragon. It is time to go.
Where are we going? asked Magic.
Humans never know where they are going; that is their curse. Dragons always do; that is ours.
Magic knew enough about dragons to know that when a dragon offers you a ride, you don’t say no. She climbed up onto the dragon’s back, taking only her hat and her umbrella.
Wait! cried Magic as the dragon took off with a great flapping of wings. We forgot my cat!
Did we? said the dragon ambiguously.
With its great dragon claws, the dragon scooped up the cat; and with its great dragon jaws, the dragon bit down on the cat. As Magic shrieked in surprise, the dragon flew away with her on its back, and one of those infuriating dragon smiles on its lips.
WHAT IS THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
a) Never mind elephants; it’s dragons that never forget.
b) Dragons don’t like cats, except as snacks.
c) Science was right about one thing: Dragons have a terrible sense of humor.
d) Only when dragons return will magic be restored to our world.
e) All of the above.
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ALSO BY
pseudonymous bosch
THE BAD BOOKS
Bad Magic
THE SECRET SERIES
The Name of This Book Is Secret
If You’re Reading This, It’s Too Late
This Book Is Not Good for You
This Isn’t What It Looks Like
You Have to Stop This
Write This Book: A Do-It-Yourself Mystery
* IN FACT, AS I’M SURE BRETT WOULD BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU, THE GREAT BARRIER REEF IS NOT JUST ONE CORAL REEF; IT IS A GROUP OF REEFS THAT TOGETHER MAKE UP THE BIGGEST STRUCTURE IN THE WORLD TO HAVE BEEN BUILT BY LIVING ORGANISMS—SO BIG IT CAN BE SEEN FROM A SPACESHIP. OR SO THEY SAY. I MYSELF HAVE NEVER SEEN IT FROM A SPACESHIP, ONLY FROM A SUBMARINE—AND ONCE, MEMORABLY, FROM THE MAST OF A CATAMARAN.
* ACTUALLY, THE REASON A MUSTER ROOM IS CALLED A MUSTER ROOM IS NOT SO MUSTERIOUS. TO MUSTER IS TO ASSEMBLE—AS IN TO ASSEMBLE TROOPS, OR IN THIS CASE TO ASSEMBLE PEOPLE ON A SHIP. SIMILARLY, A MUSTER IS A GATHERING OR AN ASSEMBLY OF PEOPLE, USUALLY IN THE MILITARY. THUS, TO MUSTER ONE’S COURAGE IS SIMPLY TO GATHER ONE’S COURAGE. TO CUT THE MUSTARD, MEANWHILE, MEANS TO SUCCEED OR QUALIFY, AND LIKELY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MUSTERING AT ALL. SO WHY MENTION IT? BECAUSE I WANT TO OFFER THIS INVALUABLE PIECE OF ADVICE FOR ALL WHO FIND THEMSELVES MUSTERING IN A MUSTER ROOM, OR INDEED WHO FIND THEMSELVES SHARING ANY SMALL SPACE WITH OTHER PEOPLE: IF YOU WANT TO CUT THE MUSTARD, PLEASE DON’T CUT THE CHEESE.
* FOR SUCH A SOFT AND DELICATE LITTLE WORD, TENDER HAS MANY MEANINGS. YOU MAY TREAT PEOPLE WITH TENDERNESS BECAUSE YOU FEEL TENDERLY TOWARD THEM, OR SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU ARE TENDERHEARTED. IF YOU HAVE DONE A JOB, YOU SHOULD BE PAID IN LEGAL TENDER (I.E., MONEY). IF YOU AREN’T, I SUGGEST YOU TENDER YOUR RESIGNATION (I.E., QUIT). IF A SHIP IS TENDER, IT TIPS EASILY. LARGER SHIPS ARE USUALLY MORE STABLE, BUT THEY ARE LIKELY TO HAVE A TENDER OR TWO ABOARD. A TENDER IS A SMALL BOAT USED TO CONVEY PEOPLE OR THINGS BACK AND FORTH FROM A LARGER SHIP TO THE SHORE. ON CRUISE SHIPS, TENDERS DOUBLE AS LIFEBOATS, AND IF ONE HAPPENS TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, I AM CERTAIN YOU WILL FEEL GREAT TENDERNESS FOR IT.
* A TABLEAU VIVANT IS A “LIVING PICTURE” WHEREIN HUMAN—OR IN THIS CASE, ANIMAL—ACTORS POSE WITHOUT MOVING, STAGING A SCENE FROM HISTORY OR LITERATURE OR ART. JUST A MOMENT AGO, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I WAS SITTING AT MY DESK, STARING INTO SPACE, WITH A PEN FROZEN IN MY HAND, I DID NOT HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK; I WAS MERELY CREATING A TABLEAU VIVANT OF L’ÉCRIVAIN AU TRAVAIL. THAT’S “THE WRITER AT WORK” FOR YOU HELPLESS NON-FRANCOPHONES.
* TAKE DODGEBALL, FOR EXAMPLE. OR RATHER, DON’T TAKE DODGE-BALL. THE POINT OF DODGEBALL IS TO DODGE IT ENTIRELY.
** IN ITS BROCHURE, THE CAMP ADVERTISED ITSELF AS A PLACE WHERE KIDS “GAINED CONFIDENCE THROUGH CONTACT WITH THE NATURAL WORLD,” FAILING TO MENTION THAT AT EARTH RANCH THE NATURAL WORLD OFTEN APPEARED SUPERNATURAL.
* LEGERDEMAIN MEANS “SLEIGHT OF HAND” AND REFERS MAINLY TO CLOSE-UP MAGIC LIKE CARD AND COIN TRICKS. IT’S TRUE, I’VE NEVER BEEN ESPECIALLY SKILLED AT LEGERDEMAIN MYSELF, BUT I LIKE TO PRACTICE WHEN I’M WRITING, AND I’M GETTING MUCH BETTER, I THINK. EVEN AS THIS SENTENCE IS BEING TYPED, I AM HOLDING A COIN BETWEEN MY FINGERS. TALK ABOUT DEXTERITY! NO, I DON’T TYPE MY OWN BOOKS—THEY ARE DICTATED—BUT THAT IS A MINOR QUIBBLE, IS IT NOT?
* AS YOU CAN READ IN MY PREVIOUS BOOK, BAD MAGIC, IF YOU’RE CURIOUS (OR IF YOU JUST WANT TO IMPRESS ME), CLAY’S ROAD TO EARTH RANCH BEGAN WITH A GRAFFITI MURAL BEARING HIS SIGNATURE, WHICH APPEARED INEXPLICABLY ON A WALL AT HIS SCHOOL. AS IT TURNED OUT, THIS WAS ONLY THE FIRST IN A LONG SERIES OF NOT-SO-ACCIDENTAL EVENTS THAT CULMINATED IN HIS INDOCTRINATION INTO THE MYSTERIES OF PRICE ISLAND. WHAT PARTS OF HIS JOURNEY HIS BROTHER HAD A DIRECT HAND IN CLAY DIDN’T KNOW; BUT THAT HIS BROTHER HAD A HAND IN SOME OF THEM CLAY KNEW FOR CERTAIN.
* IN THIS WAY, EARTH RANCH REMINDED CLAY OF THE OLD DAYS, WHEN HIS BROTHER’S SURVIVALIST FRIEND CASS USED TO QUIZ CLAY DAILY ON WHAT TO DO IN CASE OF DISASTER.
* LASCAUX IS A CAVE IN SOUTHWESTERN FRANCE THAT CONTAINS PAINTINGS FROM THE PALEOLITHIC ERA. MORE THAN 17,000 YEARS AGO, ANCIENT ARTISTS DREW PEOPLE, ANIMALS, LANDSCAPES, AND ABSTRACT DOODLES ON THE CAVE’S WALLS (MUCH AS MODERN HUMANS D
* OF COURSE, ANOTHER POSSIBILITY WAS THAT THE EVENT HAD BEEN STAGED FOR CLAY’S BENEFIT. HIS INITIATION AT EARTH RANCH HAD INVOLVED AN ELABORATE, WEEKS-LONG CHARADE THAT MADE HIM QUESTION ALL LEVELS OF REALITY, BUT HE’D BEEN ASSURED THAT THE INITIATION WAS OVER, AND SO FAR HE’D HAD NO REASON TO DOUBT IT.
* PLEASE NOTE: I HAVE ABRIDGED AND MODERNIZED THIS SEVENTEENTHCENTURY TEXT FOR EASE OF READING—AND ALSO TO ENSURE THAT SOME OF THE MORE SENSITIVE INFORMATION IN THE MANUSCRIPT REMAINS SECRET.
* I BELIEVE THE PHRASE EXPEL-YOUR-ANUS WAS MEANT TO BE A JOCULAR REFERENCE TO EXPELLIARMUS, THE DISARMING SPELL IN A WELL-KNOWN SERIES OF CHILDREN’S BOOKS. HOWEVER, YOU MAY REST ASSURED THAT I DO NOT FIND THE REFERENCE FUNNY IN THE SLIGHTEST.
* HONESTLY, I’M NOT SURE WHAT MINDFULNESS IS, EITHER. DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MEDITATION? (I MUST MEDITATE ON THE QUESTION.) MINDLESSNESS, ON THE OTHER HAND… I’M SORRY, WHAT WAS I SAYING?
* THAT IS, THE LEFT SIDE WHEN FACING THE FRONT, OR BOW, OF THE SHIP, AS OPPOSED TO THE REAR, OR STERN, WHERE YOU WILL THE FIND THE DECK KNOWN AS THE POOP. (YES, I SAID POOP—WHAT OF IT?) THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE SHIP IS THE STARBOARD SIDE. IT MAY SEEM THAT THE STARBOARD SIDE SHOULD BE THE UPSIDE—IN OTHER WORDS, THE DIRECTION IN WHICH YOU ARE MOST LIKELY TO SEE STARS—BUT IN FACT THE STAR IN STARBOARD COMES NOT FROM THE NIGHT SKY BUT FROM AN OLD ENGLISH WORD FOR SNEERING. I’M SORRY, I MEANT STEERING. IT’S JUST THAT I WAS IMAGINING YOUR FACE AS YOU READ THIS FOOTNOTE. AND YOU’RE RIGHT. I’M NOT MUCH OF A SEAMAN, BUT I PROMISE I DO DO MY RESEARCH. I WOULD NEVER (WAIT FOR IT—YOU KNOW IT’S COMING) STEER YOU WRONG.
* HAVING BEEN RAISED IN PERU, THE LLAMA, COMO C. LLAMA (WHOSE NAME, TRANSLATED FROM SPANISH, MEANS WHAT IS YOUR NAME?), UNDERSTANDABLY UNDERSTOOD SPANISH MUCH BETTER THAN ENGLISH. IN CASE YOUR ENGLISH DOES NOT EXTEND TO THE WORD CAMELID, THAT IS THE FAMILY OF ANIMAL TO WHICH BOTH LLAMAS AND CAMELS BELONG.
** IN FACT, THE BEAR WAS NOT SO UNLIKELY. MANY ANIMALS ROAMED FREE ON PRICE ISLAND, BEING THE DESCENDANTS OF THE FORMER INHABITANTS OF RANDOLPH PRICE’S PRIVATE ZOO. THERE WAS A FAMILY OF LEMURS LIVING NEAR CAMP, AND CLAY HAD ONCE SEEN A SMALL HERD OF ZEBRAS RUNNING ACROSS A FIELD. AS FOR PRICE, HE WAS THE DEAD BILLIONAIRE WHOSE MONEY STILL KEPT EARTH RANCH AFLOAT. CLAY HAD BEEN TOLD MANY STORIES ABOUT HIM, A FEW OF WHICH MAY EVEN HAVE BEEN TRUE.
* ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? I’M NOT. WELL, NOT VERY. SO MAYBE I HAVE TO WEAR THE SAME PAIR OF PURPLE POLKA-DOT BOXERS WHENEVER I SIT DOWN TO A GAME OF DOMINOES. THEY BRING ME LUCK. SOMETIMES. AND I PROMISE, I DO WASH THEM. OCCASIONALLY. THE QUESTION IS, AM I HURTING ANYONE? ANSWER: NO.
OTHER SUPERSTITIONS, I’M AFRAID, ARE NOT SO HARMLESS. TAKE BRETT’S EXAMPLE: THE RHINOCEROS. IN ASIAN COUNTRIES, MANY PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT A RHINO HORN HAS MAGICAL HEALING POWERS. AS A RESULT, A SINGLE HORN SELLS FOR AS MUCH AS A MILLION DOLLARS, AND THE ENTIRE RHINO POPULATION IS BEING HUNTED TO EXTINCTION. AND IT’S NOT JUST RHINOS. SHARK FINS. TIGER BONES. WHALE FECES. (YES, I MEAN WHALE POOP. AKA AMBERGRIS. ASK ME ABOUT IT SOME OTHER TIME.) ALL HAVE BEEN SOUGHT FOR THEIR SUPPOSED MAGICAL POWERS. IT MATTERS NOT THAT THESE POWERS AREN’T REAL; PEOPLE PAY ANYWAY. OF COURSE, AN ANIMAL WOULD HAVE TO BE VERY VALUABLE INDEED—MANY TIMES MORE VALUABLE THAN A RHINOCEROS—TO MAKE IT WORTH COMMANDEERING A CRUISE SHIP.
* NO DOUBT YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO REPRESENT THE LETTERS SOS IN MORSE CODE. HOWEVER, IT BEARS REPEATING JUST IN CASE: ••• − − − ••• (THREE SHORT BEEPS, THREE LONG, THREE SHORT). YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THE NEED FOR A DISTRESS SIGNAL MIGHT ARISE.
* IN FRENCH, OBJETS MEANS “OBJECTS” (AS IN “THINGS,” NOT AS IN “MAKING AN OBJECTION”), AND TO BE HONEST, THERE WASN’T MUCH REASON FOR ME NOT TO WRITE OBJECT IN THE FIRST PLACE. BUT I THINK YOU’LL AGREE THAT THE FRENCH WORD HAS A CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI THAT THE ENGLISH WORD LACKS.
* A BRIEF HISTORY OF DRAGON-SLAYING:
ACCORDING TO MEDIEVAL MYTH, THERE WAS ONCE A FEARSOME DRAGON THAT TERRORIZED A TOWN FOR MANY YEARS. EVERY SO OFTEN, ONE CHILD FROM THE TOWN WAS CHOSEN AT RANDOM AS A SACRIFICE TO THE DRAGON’S VORACIOUS APPETITE. NO ONE WAS SAFE FROM THIS HORRIBLE LOTTERY, OR HUNGER GAME, IF YOU WILL, INCLUDING THE DAUGHTER OF THE KING. BUT JUST WHEN SHE WAS SLOTTED TO BE THE DRAGON’S NEXT DINNER, THE PROVERBIAL KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR, ST. GEORGE, ARRIVED ON A WHITE HORSE, PROMISING TO SLAY THE DRAGON, AND SLAY THE DRAGON HE DID. AFTERWARD, HE CLAIMED THE PRINCESS AS HIS WIFE—A FATE PRESUMABLY LESS ONEROUS FOR THE PRINCESS THAN BEING EATEN, BUT WHO KNOWS.… ST. GEORGE APPEARS IN MANY PLACES IN THE HISTORY OF ART AND LITERATURE, PERHAPS MOST FAMOUSLY IN THE EPIC POEM OF WIZARDS AND DRAGONS CALLED THE FAERIE QUEENE. DESPITE WHAT MR. BAILEY SUGGESTS, HOWEVER, ST. GEORGE IS NOT NECESSARILY THE FIRST TO HAVE SLAYED A DRAGON FOR A PRINCESS. LONG BEFORE THERE WERE STORIES ABOUT ST. GEORGE, THERE WAS THE MYTH OF ANDROMEDA, A PRINCESS WHO WAS CHAINED TO A ROCK AND SACRIFICED TO THE SEA MONSTER CETUS—ONLY TO BE SAVED BY THE ORIGINAL GREEK HERO, PERSEUS. PERSEUS, IT SEEMS, HAD A TALENT FOR MONSTER-SLAYING. HE WAS ALSO THE ONE TO BEHEAD THE SNAKE-HAIRED GORGON, MEDUSA. TAKE THAT, ST. GEORGE.
* THERE WERE, IN FACT, A FEW VERY LARGE, AND VERY UNFRIENDLY, WILD RABBITS ON THE ISLAND, BUT THEY WERE MOSTLY KEPT IN CHECK BY THE EVEN LARGER AND EVEN UNFRIENDLIER WILD PIGS.
* IN THE 1970S, SEEMINGLY SANE AND MATURE GROWNUPS WOULD TRY TO CONFRONT THEIR CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS BY SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS. THIS LOUD AND NOT NECESSARILY VERY EFFECTIVE FORM OF THERAPY WAS POPULARIZED IN A BOOK CALLED THE PRIMAL SCREAM.
* A TEMPLE TO THE GODDESS ATHENA, THE PARTHENON IS BY FAR THE MOST FAMOUS EXAMPLE OF ANCIENT GREEK ARCHITECTURE AND A SYMBOL OF GREEK CIVILIZATION AT ITS PEAK. (A SYMBOL THAT HAS BEEN ROBBED AND PILLAGED SHAMELESSLY.) LIKE MANY RICH AND SELF-IMPORTANT PEOPLE OF HIS TIME, RANDOLPH PRICE BUILT HIS HOME IN A STYLE MEANT TO RECALL THE ANCIENT WORLD, AND THE PARTHENON IN PARTICULAR. BUT TO MOST PEOPLE, I SUSPECT, HIS HOUSE MORE CLOSELY RESEMBLED A BANK OR A COURTHOUSE—ONE OF THOSE “NEOCLASSICAL” BUILDINGS THAT SEEM DESIGNED FOR THE EXPRESS PURPOSE OF MAKING YOU FEEL SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT
** THE ISLAND MIRA IS REFERRING TO IS THEMYSCIRA, ALSO CALLED PARADISE ISLAND, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE PRICE ISLAND (BUT POSSIBLY MORE EXPENSIVE). ACCORDING TO DC COMICS AND SOME GREEK POTTERY, THEMYSCIRA WAS THE HOME OF THE AMAZONS, THE ALL-FEMALE WARRIOR TRIBE OF ANCIENT GREECE. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE AMAZON RIVER, WHICH DERIVES ITS NAME FROM THE SAME SOURCE. NOR WITH THE GIANT, BOOKSELLING WEBSITE, WHICH, THOUGH SEEMINGLY INVINCIBLE, MAY YET SOMEDAY FALL PREY TO A VENGEFUL TRIBE OF WARRIOR WOMEN OUT TO RECLAIM THEIR RIGHTFUL NAME.
* THE STORY OF BRETT’S DISCOVERY HAD BEEN SLIGHTLY EASIER FOR HER FRIENDS TO SWALLOW THAN THE IDEA THAT HIS FATHER WAS HUNTING A DRAGON—BUT ONLY SLIGHTLY.
* WHY AM I SO DEFENSIVE ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER, YOU ASK? FUNNY, I WASN’T AWARE THAT I WAS. I STRIVE FOR FAIRNESS AND OBJECTIVITY, NO MATTER WHOM I’M WRITING ABOUT.
* SIDENOTE: I HOPE YOU LIKE THE SELECTIONS FROM SECRETS OF THE OCCULTA DRACO. THE BOOK IS ONE OF A KIND, BUT I HAVE TO CONFESS THAT READING THE WHOLE THING IS A BIT OF A CHORE. BELIEVE ME, I HAVE DONE YOU A FAVOR BY EXCERPTING SHORT PASSAGES.
* BRUMATION: BEING COLD-BLOODED (MUCH LIKE CERTAIN PEOPLE I WON’T MENTION), REPTILES LACK THE ABILITY TO WARM THEMSELVES. DURING WINTER MONTHS THEY ENTER A PERIOD OF DORMANCY SIMILAR TO THE HIBERNATION PRACTICED BY MAMMALS, NOTABLY BEARS, BUT MUCH LESS, WELL, FURRY.
* I KNOW, THE HERO OF A BOOK ISN’T SUPPOSED TO KILL AN ANIMAL, EVEN A FLY. IT’S HEARTLESS AND CRUEL AND A BAD EXAMPLE TO SET FOR YOUNG READERS. I’M SORRY. I HAD TO INCLUDE THIS TERRIBLE CRIME BECAUSE, AS YOU’LL SEE, IT PROVED VERY CONSEQUENTIAL. IT MAY EVEN HAVE SAVED CLAY’S LIFE. AND GUESS WHAT—ALL THOSE OTHER HEROES? THEIR AUTHORS MAY NOT HAVE SAID SO, BUT I BET MOST OF THEM KILLED A FEW FLIES IN THEIR TIME. OR AT LEAST STEPPED ON A FEW ANTS. I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE. WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I TRIED TO SPARE THE LIFE OF EVERY LIVING CREATURE I CAME AC
* THE ROYAL WE, MORE PROPERLY KNOWN AS THE MAJESTIC PLURAL, IS THE USE OF A PLURAL PRONOUN BY A MONARCH—OR A PERSON WHO MERELY REGARDS HIM- OR HERSELF AS A MONARCH—TO REFER TO HIM- OR HERSELF ALONE. EXAMPLE: THE PHRASE “WE ARE NOT AMUSED,” ATTRIBUTED TO QUEEN VICTORIA, WHO REPUTEDLY FOUND A DINNER GUEST’S SCANDALOUS STORY DISTASTEFUL. (I SWEAR IT WASN’T ME.)
* GENERALLY SPEAKING, TO DRESS IN DRAG IS TO WEAR CLOTHING OPPOSITE FROM WHAT IS EXPECTED FOR ONE’S GENDER. THUS A DRAG QUEEN IS A MAN DRESSED LIKE A WOMAN, AND A DRAG KING IS A WOMAN DRESSED LIKE A MAN. A DRAG NAME, MEANWHILE, IS A NAME CHOSEN TO GO ALONG WITH A DRAG PERSONA—THE MORE OUTRAGEOUS, THE BETTER. ONE POPULAR WAY TO CHOOSE YOUR DRAG NAME IS TO PAIR YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR WITH THE NAME OF YOUR FAVORITE PET. MINE: CHOCOLATE QUICHE, OF COURSE.