Badd Mojo by Jasinda Wilder
I sighed. "That's not what's surprising." I hesitated. "What is surprising, I guess, is that you'd even consider coming back to Ketchikan. I just always assumed that once you got out of here, you'd never come back."
Mom laughed. "I've always assumed the same thing, actually." She blew out a breath. "But I mean, I've only known Tate is pregnant for a matter of days, and I feel like everything has changed so much already. So by the time she's ready to have the baby? Who knows?"
I rubbed my face with both hands. "You're absolutely right about that." I leaned over again to hug Mom. "I love you."
She didn't let go of the hug immediately. "Aerie, baby--I hope you know, like really know that you can talk to me. You know that, right? I really do just want you and Tate to be happy. You're--it's just that you're my little baby girls, and it's hard to let go. It's hard to accept that you're not babies anymore and that you're going to do things I may not understand or agree with. But I really do want you two to be happy, and I promise to be better at supporting you."
I sniffled, tears starting in my eyes. "Mom--god. You don't know how bad I needed to hear that. Seriously."
She brushed away her own tears as she stood up. "I haven't been a very good mom, have I?"
"You've been a great mom. The best ever. Things just got a little crazy. They're still a little crazy, but...well...they're getting better." I let out a breath and wiped my eyes. "I think you should probably tell Tate what you said to me. She probably needs to hear it even more than I did."
"I will."
I got to the stairs before Mom stopped me yet again. "Aerie? One last thing."
I laughed and stopped on the stairs, turning around to glance at her. "For real, the last thing. I'm exhausted."
"Just a quick piece of advice I'd like to offer, as unsolicited as it may be.'
"What's that?"
"Men are stupid."
I laughed. "That's not exactly a newsflash, Mom."
"No, but you have to keep that in mind. They do dumb things. They react without thinking, and then when we get pissed off, they're like what'd I do?" Here, she deepened her voice to a mocking parody of a dumb male. "And then they're all panicked because they realize they messed up, and expect us to just be like, oh honey, it's fine. What I'm saying is, if Canaan did something to hurt you, he's probably just now realizing it. So if he shows up, just...try to give him a chance."
I walked upstairs and thought about what Mom had just said.
Will he show up?
That's the burning question.
If--IF--Canaan shows up, I'll not only give him a chance, I'll be the first to apologize for freaking out on him. But he has to show up. I'm not going to chase him again. If he wants this, if he wants me...he has to prove it to me. It'd be better if I could just stop myself from being in love with him. Because...I was. I knew that much. I couldn't deny it any longer and saw no point in trying. But what would loving Canaan get me, except heartache?
I collapsed into bed fully clothed, pulled the blankets over my head, and fell into a restless, troubled sleep, filled with dreams of Canaan cursing at me, walking away from me, dreams of growing old alone, dreams of Canaan looking right into my eyes and telling me he never loved me and never will.
13
Canaan
* * *
My first instinct was to barge into the Kingsley's B and B when I got back to Ketchikan. I knew I had to get some shit straightened for myself before I tried to work things out with Aerie. My worry was that she'd decide to leave Ketchikan before I got a chance to talk to her and ask for another shot at us. I knew I had to sort myself out so my life could be in a place where a relationship was a possibility.
And right now, things with my twin were a fucked-up mess, and I had no idea what to do with my future. That had to get fixed first.
So I after my plane landed and I took the ferry across the channel, I dropped my guitars off at the studio and went looking for Corin. I found him with Tate, in what used to be Corin's and my bedroom--they'd gotten rid of the bunk beds and replaced them with a single king bed. Corin was on his back on the bed and Tate was lying on her back between his legs, her head on his stomach; she was listening as he read out loud from a paperback copy of a book for new parents.
They looked up as I leaned against the doorway.
Corin set the book facedown on his chest. "The prodigal returns."
Tate's eyes narrowed at me. "Or are you here just to grab the rest of your shit so you can move permanently to Seattle, like the great big pussy you are?"
Corin frowned down at her. "Really, babe? How is that helpful?"
"Who said I was trying to be helpful? My sister came home today and locked herself in our room at Grandma and Grandpa's, and she hasn't come out since. She's been crying for hours. So...yeah, not exactly feeling helpful at the moment." She got up and left the room, intentionally bumping her shoulder against mine on the way past. "I'll leave you two to talk."
When she was gone, I sat down on the edge of the bed, and Corin scooted up to sit cross-legged beside me.
"She has every right to be pissed at me," I said. "Everyone does. Running away like I did was a dick move."
"Yes, it was."
"Everything is just...hard and confusing right now, though."
Corin laughed bitterly. "Trust me, bro, I know what you mean."
"Yeah, I guess you would, wouldn't you?"
He slugged me on the shoulder. "Why'd you run, Cane? That's not how we do shit around here. We don't run from our troubles in this family, man--we face our shit head-on."
"I know, I know." I sighed, and moved to lean my back against the wall, feet hanging off the side of the bed. "I just...I couldn't handle everything."
"Handle what?"
"Everything! You, and this whole pregnancy thing, and Aerie, and...just everything."
He pulled his hair out of the ponytail, ran his fingers through it, and then retied it. "Okay, well let's start with me, and this whole pregnant thing. I don't get why you're so upset about it, honestly. You're not the one about to be a father."
"You honestly have no idea why I might be upset?" I asked. Corin shook his head, and I huffed a laugh. "Wow. Okay. Well, here it is, then. Tate being pregnant, and really even your whole relationship with her, but especially the pregnancy--it takes you away from me."
"That's fucking stupid, Cane. I'll always be your twin."
"No shit. That's not what I mean."
He fiddled with the bedspread. "Then what do you mean?"
"Our whole lives, we had one direction. Our lives, from the time we were old enough to play with toy guitars and bang on Mom's pots and pans with wooden spoons, has been about music. Starting a band. Booking gigs. Getting signed. Getting national and international tours. Moving here to Ketchikan was meant to be a...an interlude, or something, I don't know. Spend time with our brothers, start our own label, make our music our way. That was what we were doing, and we've always done it together."
"Why does that have to change?"
I snorted. "Come on, Cor. Never bullshit a bullshitter. You're done touring. You never loved it, not the way I do. I'm not sure you'd have wanted to go back to it even if Tate wasn't pregnant, but now, with that? Yeah, we'll always be brothers, always be twins. But now you've got your life sort of...on a different path than mine, I guess. And I just...I don't know where that leaves me."
Corin sighed, a long, deep, thoughtful exhalation. "Ah."
"Ah? That's all you have to say?"
He frowned at me. "So me getting Tate pregnant messes up your life?"
"Don't make it out like I'm being selfish here, Cor," I said. "It does affect me though, yes. I know it affects you more, and I get that, I really do. But it changes my life, it changes what I'm going to do. Like, you're here, now. You're gonna be Daddy, and Tate's husband or whatever, and you're gonna...I don't know what you're gonna do, but it won't be going back on tour with me. It won't be us working on our label. Maybe that'll happen
"And your life is out there, on tour?"
I shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know, anymore."
"So, you and Aerie?"
I scrubbed my face with both hands, groaning. "It's messed up. I'm messed up, she's messed up, we're messed up."
He laughed. "So what you're saying is, things are messed up?"
I laughed with him. "A little, yeah."
"How so?"
"Everything. The whole reason I ran away is because I'd finally gotten to a place where I was able to admit how I feel about her, and when I went to talk to her about it, I overheard her telling Eva that she didn't think she'd ever be willing to risk even finding out if I'm worth being with. That, plus you and the whole pregnancy thing? I just freaked out. I needed to get away. I needed to...I just couldn't handle it all. Being here was just...it was all too much. I didn't know what to do about Aerie, or about you and me and my life, so I just took off to Seattle, stayed with Mike for a few days, worked on an album with him, got wasted and didn't think about any of this shit."
Corin stared at me. "Dude, really? You're seriously having trouble with how you feel about Aerie?" He used air quotes around the emphasized words. "How is this not obvious to you?"
"Just because you and Tate fell in love and had no issue jumping right into it doesn't mean it's going to be that easy for me and Aerie."
"It may not be easy, but it's pretty fucking simple from where I'm sitting."
"How do you mean?"
"Well like I said, it may not be easy, but it's as simple as falling off a stool. Either you're in love with her, or you're not. And trust me on this one, Cane, if you're in love, you know. If you have to ask yourself if you're in love with her, if you have to, like, think about it? You're not." He eyed me. "So...Canaan, are you in love with Aerie?"
"Yeah," I said.
He laughed. "Why do you sound so miserable, like I'm dragging some dark and ugly admission out of you?"
I glanced up at him, frowning. "This whole thing is just...hard."
He shook his head. "Then you're an idiot, bro."
"Helpful."
"No, for real." He twisted on the bed to face me. "You're scared, is that it?"
I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."
"Why? I mean, after the story about Lex Landon, I can see why she's afraid. She got fucked over and heartbroken by an asshole who should have known better. But what's your deal, Canaan? Unless you went through something I don't know about, what do you have to be so afraid of? I know about that thing with what's her name--the sound tech chick in LA--but you can't tell me you were legit in love with her. I mean, maybe you could have been, or wanted to be, or thought you were--"
I sighed. "Nah, none of that. I thought we could have had something, but it wasn't anything like love."
"Right, exactly. So...unless there's something I don't know about..."
"No, not really."
"Then you're just an idiot." He spoke over my protestations. "I'm your twin brother and I'm allowed to tell you when you're being an idiot, and you're being an idiot, Cane--so shut the fuck up. You are!"
I growled in anger and sprang off the bed, pacing back and forth. "How am I being such an idiot?"
"Because you love her and she loves you! You know her. You've been friends with her your whole fucking life. You know you have insane sexual chemistry. You know her secrets. I'm guessing you've told her yours, not that you really have any secrets to speak of unless you're keeping them from me. So what's left? Fear? Of what? Getting hurt? It not working out? Shit, man, yeah--that's scary. When you love someone, it's scary. I love Tate, and I feel the fear. But what, you're gonna miss out on loving an amazing woman, and letting that amazing woman love you just because you're afraid of it not working out? What the fuck, man? Since when are you such a pussy? You think a woman like Aerie Kingsley is ever going to come around again? You think you'll ever, fucking ever find someone who gets you like she does? You miss out on this because you're afraid, Canaan..." he hissed, too pissed to even speak. "Seriously. You're the dumbest asshole on the planet if you let her slip through your fingers."
"You make it seem so obvious."
"BECAUSE IT IS!" he shouted. "She went after you! You ran away, vanished on her, on all of us, and she went after you! That says she loves you. What more do you want? How much clearer can she make it? She's the one with a very, very good reason to not trust you, to be afraid of love, of giving her heart to anyone, and she still went after your stupid ass. And you still fucked it up."
Rage, self-hatred, panic...which one was stronger inside me, right then? It was a toss-up. "Corin--"
He shook his head, sliding off the bed to his feet. Knotted both fists in my shirt and slammed me up against the door, putting his face in mine. "Canaan, man the fuck up!" He let me go and turned away, then spun back to face me once more, but from a foot or so away. "Being vulnerable with a woman who loves you is scary, yes, and I get that. But it makes you stronger to do that. It makes you a real man. It makes life make sense. What will you do with your life? I don't know. Yes, you'll have to figure that out on your own, and yes, it probably won't include me the way it used to. Life happens, man. Change happens. Get with the program, bro. You wanna go be a rock star, live on a tour bus, bang groupies and drink yourself stupid, go for it. That's not the life I want."
"I'm not saying that's the life I want either--"
"Also, for what it's worth, being in a committed relationship with Aerie doesn't mean you have to have babies and get married and settle down--either right now or ever. You do realize that, right? That letting yourself be in love with her and all that doesn't mean she's, like, going to somehow automatically demand you suddenly settle down? From what I can tell, I don't think that's what she wants any more than you do."
I felt his words smack into me like so many bullets.
Realization after realization, epiphany after epiphany, slammed into me.
He was right. Top to bottom, he was right. So was Mike.
What did I have to be afraid of? Getting hurt? It made me feel stupid, when he put it like that, like it was the most obvious and simple thing on the planet.
God, I'm an idiot.
I shot to my feet. "I have to go."
Corin grabbed my arm and pulled me in for a hug as I opened the bedroom door. "Cane, brother--we're the baddest twins on the planet, okay? We always will be. No matter what."
I hugged him back. "Damn right."
He shoved me out the door. "Go. A woman like Aerie isn't going to wait long."
I took his advice and literally ran to find the woman I loved.
14
Aerie
* * *
I woke up and the first thought I had was fuck it.
Fuck him.
Fuck this.
I have a life to live. I'm not going to sit around waiting for Canaan Badd to get his head out of his ass. I may not ever love anyone the way I love Canaan, but...
Shit, that line of thought doesn't take me anywhere good.
It doesn't matter. I don't need him. I don't want love--I never wanted to be in love. Neither did he.
So fuck it, right?
He ran, so now it's my turn. I went after him, and he freaked out on me. Didn't even give me a chance. Pushed me away before I could hurt him when all I needed was time to absorb what he'd said.
Which was that he loved me.
Shit.
He's not coming back. Who am I kidding?
I started packing. I didn't bother folding anything, I just tore skirts and dresses and shirts off the hangers and started shoving them into a suitcase as fast as I could. For some reason, it was hard to see the clothes, though. They were all blurry, and my eyes stung.
Which was stupid, because it felt like I was crying--again--and I'd only just managed to stop.
Why did he have to be so stupid? I never abandoned him. I wasn't--I just needed time to proce
I found myself on the floor, sobbing all over again. How had everything gotten so messed up? Why did love have to suck so bad? Why did it always have to hurt? Books and movies always make it seem like if you just take the leap, things will always pay off. The guy would always show up at the last second, proclaiming his love. Probably all wet from a rainstorm, wearing a thin white shirt.
It wasn't over...it still isn't over!
Except this is not The Notebook, and I'm not Allie, and he's not Noah.
He's not going to show up, because this isn't a romance novel. This is life, and people suck, and they let you down and they don't show up and they're not going to love you. They're just going to hurt you.
I pushed myself to my feet, wiped my eyes, and tried to stop crying. Tried to tell myself to stop being stupid. I'd survived Lex and everything he did to me, which was just about everything a man could do to hurt a woman. I'd survived Lex, and I would survive Canaan.
Only...I never loved Lex. Not like I loved Canaan.
But that didn't matter, did it?
I went back to packing.
I jumped out of my skin when I heard a knock on the door. My heart pounding, I unlocked it and pulled it open.
Canaan. Standing there in faded, ripped jeans. Combat boots. Plain white V-neck T-shirt, soaked to the skin, his tattoos bright in the dim light of the hallway. Eyes wild and wide, chest heaving from exertion. Hands fisted at his sides.
His deep, rich brown eyes searched me. Saw the tears. His eyes flicked past my face to the open suitcase on the bed.
He shook his head. His hand lifted, slid underneath my loose blonde hair to cup the back of my neck. He pulled me closer. I resisted, shaking my head, tears trickling down my cheeks. Instead of pulling me closer, then, Canaan moved up against me, staring down at me, brushing my tears away with his thumb.
"I'm an idiot," he murmured, his lips half an inch from mine.
I laughed through my tears. "So am I."
"It should have been the most obvious thing in the world, but I'm such an idiot." He cradled me against his chest instead of kissing me like I thought he would.