Beetle Juice by Piers Anthony
“Good luck.”
They moved on to the men’s village of RedBrick. Tod and Veee walked ahead, holding hands, and Wetzel in unicorn form carried Wizard.
“I fear severe complications,” Wizard remarked as he rode. “We will have to leave the Amoeba, and that is bound to be mischief.”
“Your magic will work outside?”
“Oh, yes. That’s not the problem. It’s that the Amoeba is a protected environment. When we leave it we can be separated, hurt, or killed. You saw how it was on Refuge.”
“I did.”
“And we are likely to encounter poachers. These may be utterly vicious men who will not hesitate to kill anyone who tries to interfere with their criminal business. Your telepathy and my magic should help considerably, but it is still no easy business. The women especially will be at risk.”
“They will be,” Wetzel agreed. “Vanja can handle it or escape it.”
“Actually so can Veee. She has been involuntarily taken by many men in the past. She may handle that better than the prospect of voluntarily doing it with any man other than Tod. It is emotional fidelity she is trying to give him, more than physical. Still, it will be better to avoid such ugliness if at all possible.”
This is true. Veee lent me her human female outlook so I could have vicarious sex with you, but that was me, not her. She likes you but does not want sex with you. Because that would be voluntary, and she might really like it, and that would make her be emotionally untrue to Tod.
Exactly. It was the same reason he did not want to have sex with Veee, pleasant as it might otherwise be. They could be true friends only as long as it remained platonic. Her virginity with respect to him made her a better friend.
Wetzel thought of something else. “Assuming we find a male scarab, how can we get it safely through the Amoeba and to Refuge? I understand male scarabs can’t survive here.”
“I have pondered that during my recovery. I even did a private scry I think is valid. I can’t scry the Amoeba itself directly, but I can pose spot questions and come up with likely answers. I gather that there is a certain ambiance the Amoeba maintains, to keep things compatible for occupants of any kind, including atmosphere, gravity, language, and reproduction—”
“Reproduction!”
“Populations are stable here. People can breed only so long as there is local room for them. Part of the suppressive aura affects the men, and part the women. The longer a person remains within the Amoeba, the more he or she is affected. The women of PinkPebble can breed because they have not come close to filling their allotment. If they are able to resume breeding, in due course they will complete that allotment, and then no more babies will be conceived regardless how often they have sex.”
“No wonder they are so eager to be the first!”
“Yes. But they will not have to be concerned about that this year or next. One reason you and Tod are so appealing is that you have not spent your lives within the Amoeba, so your fertility remains strong. But that suppressive aura affects the male scarab, who has not a little seminal fluid but a lot. What is a trace effect to a human male, who is constantly expelling ejaculate and generating new semen, is significant to the scarab, who takes a year to build it up. One-fifth to one-quarter of his body mass, in fact. His own fluid will heat and boil and destroy him. So he can’t be exposed to that aura, not even for a little while. He will have to be shielded from it.”
Yes, he must, LadyBug thought with horror.
“How can he be shielded?”
“This may be where you come in, Wetzel. It seems that a sufficient mass of flesh can damp down the aura, at least for a few hours. A human man wears much of his reproductive equipment outside his body, ready prey to the aura. A woman’s equipment is mostly internal, so is better shielded. So most women can conceive with fresh males if the allotment allows it. The need is to put the male scarab into a massive living body, to shield it for the trip through the Amoeba.”
“You are thinking of my unicorn form!”
“That may indeed be the reason you were selected for this mission. Your mass.”
Wetzel chuckled. “I was warned that the Amoeba’s reasons for choosing people are not necessarily complimentary to those people.”
Wizard shrugged. “It is merely a conjecture.”
“Confirmed by scrying.”
“Sometimes I misinterpret a scry.”
“How would I put a scarab inside me?”
“He could be put into a capsule which you could then swallow.”
“Wouldn’t the beetle suffocate?”
“I have learned that they can go into temporary stasis, and survive on very little air for weeks if they need to.”
“How would I get it out again?”
“It would emerge on its own, in the normal course.”
“As a turd!”
Wizard shrugged. “Perhaps you have a better idea.”
Unfortunately Wetzel didn’t. He dropped the subject.
We bugs are not as wary of turds as you fleshly folk are. They can be nutritious. Some of our related species, the dung beetles, use them as sustenance for their young.
“I appreciate your encouragement,” Wetzel muttered.
“Something else,” Tod said. “When Veee visited my frame, not only was she ghostly, but her language was completely foreign. How will we be able to communicate with anyone there?”
“This, too, I have pondered,” Wizard said. “There are a myriad languages in the worlds and times and alternate universes, with no single compromise language available, not even sign language. We shall have to use cards.”
Cards? Wetzel thought of the games he had been playing.
“Picture cards,” Veee said, understanding better than Wetzel did. “I will draw a number of stick figure examples.”
“We’ll need a reusable tablet too,” Wizard said.
“Such things should exist at RedBrick Village,” Tod said. “Vanja can do some wheedling.”
They arrived at RedBrick Village, where Vanja was just wrapping up. “That is some damsel you have,” Red said appreciatively as Wizard dismounted and Wetzel reverted to manform. “She not only did the whole village, she brought news of possible rapprochement with the women of PinkPebble. It seems they are willing to exchange sex for babies.”
Vanja had done the whole village? There were about seventy men there. She must have done a man an hour for three days and nights! “She’s a capable woman,” Tod said, keeping a straight face.
“We would like to have her settle down here. We would treat her very well. We have developed a real taste for vampires.”
The bat flew to join Wetzel. Would you believe, I’m tired of sex? Some of those men wanted it several times in their hour. Wetzel believed it.
“That would of course be her decision to make,” Tod said. “But at the moment we have a mission to complete, and we need her for that.”
But after a few minutes rest, I should be back to normal. I trust those Pebble women didn’t wear you out?
“They want me to stay, too,” Wetzel subvocalized. “I got three pregnant.”
Oooo, you bad boy! she thought appreciatively.
“We are ready to use the access to Scarabia,” Tod told Red. “You folk having no objection.”
“None at all,” Red agreed jovially. “Your vampire wench saw to that. Did you know she can nip a man and make him immediately potent again?”
“Yes,” Tod said. “That is one of her talents.” Wetzel was not telling that Vanja could also nip to make a man forget he had ever had sex with her. Obviously she had not done that with these men.
They rested for an hour, while Vanja wheedled in her fashion. Soon two men were doubly happy, and the team had a thick packet of stiff papers for Veee to draw on, and two erasable tablets. Veee was already busy sketching.
The portal to Scarabia was hidden not far from the village, masked as a deserted cave. “None of us have been there,” Red said. “The trail was m
“Are scarabs still coming through?” Tod asked.
“Not any more. The poachers have thinned them out so badly that all they do now is hide. You may have trouble finding any.”
“We’ll manage,” Tod said, not mentioning LadyBug or the telepathy.
Vanja flew to the ground and transformed to human form. “Meanwhile why don’t you go to PinkPebble and verify what I have told you about rapprochement? You won’t need me any more.”
“None of those Pebble women match you, vamp.”
“But some are young and pretty and eager to get pregnant.”
“We’ll check it out,” Red agreed, obviously interested.
“One other thing,” Wetzel said. “Do you have a capsule that will hold a male scarab?”
Red was taken aback. “A capsule? Why?”
“To transport him,” Wizard said. “Shielded from the ambiance of the Amoeba by the massive flesh of a unicorn.”
Red nodded. “Wow! Let’s hope it works.” In a moment he produced exactly such a capsule, consisting of two translucent halves that fitted together. “We had thought of transport, but not of shielding.”
“Thank you,” Wizard said, taking the capsule.
“You may want these to feel your way,” Red said, presenting them with staffs. Tod and Veee accepted them; the others did not.
Wetzel transformed back to unicorn, Wizard mounted him, and they proceeded into the cave. It was dark, so Vanja returned to bat form, perched on Wizard’s shoulder, and used her echolocation to probe the route ahead.
It’s a Trail, she reported mentally to Wetzel. “Good footing, plenty of room, no nasty surprises. Just march on through.”
Wetzel relayed her thought. Tod and Veee used their staffs to feel their way and walked with reasonable confidence. That was the advantage of working as a team: they knew they could trust what their members said.
Before long there was light ahead. They came into a lush green world. This was Scarabia, orbiting giant Betelgeuse, origin of the scarabs.
Home!
You have been here? Wetzel thought.
No. But I’d know it anywhere.
They emerged from the end of the trail. The air was warm and sweet, gravity comfortable; it was an Earth-type planet. Wizard dismounted, Wetzel and Vanja transformed to human, and they all stood there appreciating it.
“Why aren’t we ghosts?” Vanja asked.
“This is a mission for the Amoeba,” Wizard said. “It has the power to extend its ambiance somewhat, at need. It is extending it to us, to enable us to relate to this world in the manner natives would. Otherwise we would not be able to carry the male scarab.”
“Then let’s find it and get out of here,” Vanja said. “I don’t want to stay long.”
It is the Go Away projection of the scarabs, LadyBug explained. To which the poachers are unfortunately immune.
Wetzel relayed that. “So there are scarabs still here,” Tod said.
Yes. Hiding. But they are coming out of hiding. Oh, my! Her expressions mimicked those of the humans, as it was a human mind that was amplifying her own mind.
“What is it?”
There’s a male! And he is approaching mating time. I must go to him.
“There’s a male!” Wetzel repeated for the others. “LadyBug is attracted.
“This is too easy,” Vanja said.
“Scry it,” Tod told Wizard.
Wizard stood, concentrating. “There are scarabs, many females, one male, the females attracted to the male. In a few more days he will be ready to breed. But there is something wrong. Danger. I can’t define it further without getting closer to its source.”
“I can,” Tod said. “Poachers.”
“Maybe we can verify that,” Wetzel said. “LadyBug feels the male; can you scry the connection?”
“Perhaps I can, if I can borrow her,” Wizard said.
“Your spider—will she be safe from that?” For Wizard carried the deadly brown recluse spider. Wetzel wasn’t sure what it preyed on.
“It will not prey on any of the insects of this party,” Wizard assured him.
True.
Wetzel approached Wizard. LadyBug flew across to him, and Wizard did another scry.
“The male is captive of the poachers,” Wizard said. “They know it is becoming breedable and will attract females. They are using it to bring them in so they can have a record haul.”
“The monsters!” Vanja said. “They are hastening the extinction!”
“We shall have to rescue that male,” Tod said. “But if the poachers are like those of my world, and I believe they are, they will be utterly vicious men. The women will not be safe from rape, or the men from torture and murder.”
“We shall have to deceive them long enough to get that male,” Vanja said. “Then all bets are off.”
“How?” Veee asked.
“Perhaps we could become an entertainment group,” Wizard said. “I could tell an engaging story, Vanja can dance, Tod can play his pipe, Veee can set the stage.”
“What of me?” Wetzel asked. “My art is drama; I can act a part. But not in my unicorn form, as I will have to be to transport that male scarab.”
“You can be the unicorn summoned by virgins,” Veee said, smiling.
“There is something else,” Tod said. “Assuming we get close, and find the male, and get him in the capsule and all, those Poachers are not going to simply let us walk away. We need an escape plan.”
Wetzel picked up a worry in Wizard’s mind. He could foil pursuit via illusion, but this was a new planet and he hadn’t tried it here. He did not want to alarm the others needlessly, but he wanted a pretext to test it in this venue.
So Wetzel set it up for him. “Maybe if we could somehow fool them, lead them astray?”
“I may be of use here,” Wizard said, his mind appreciating Wetzel’s effort. “My cheapest yet most effective magic is illusion. The poachers will not be able to pursue us far through that.”
“I don’t mean to question your competence,” Wetzel said. “But why wouldn’t the poachers simply ignore the illusion and follow us?”
Wizard smiled. “Perhaps a small demonstration will suffice. Let’s say our path runs beside a dangerous drop-off. There to our left.” He gestured, and the drop appeared, with a path beside it to the right. “We know the route, but the poachers don’t. We run along it, but what they, following moments later, see is this.” The path and drop switched places.
Wetzel nodded, remembering Wizard’s prior demonstration, which the other members of the team had not seen him make for Wetzel. Both path and drop looked completely realistic. The pursuers would take the path without thinking, especially if the fleeing folk were just in sight beyond a curve. They would plunge into the drop. If they didn’t die, they would at least be slowed. Thereafter they would not dare charge at speed, and would lose the team. “It will do,” he agreed. It was a reminder that illusion could be most dangerous by covering up a real threat, instead of making a fake one. And Wizard was now reassured that his powers worked on Scarabia.
Thank you, Wizard’s thought came. Wetzel just smiled.
You’re a nice man, LadyBug thought.
“Anything to impress a virgin,” he subvocalized.
“Now the ensemble,” Tod said. “We need to rehearse it, if we are to be effective.”
“I will tell a tale of a pretty girl who hears lovely music, follows it, and discovers a dancing nymph,” Wizard said. “The nymph asks if she is a virgin, and when she confirms it, the nymph tells her of a local unicorn that needs to be tamed. So the girl goes to the unicorn, and he lies down and puts his head in her lap, and she is able to catch him and tame him. Will that suffice?”
“What does she do with him once she has him?” Tod asked.
Wizard frowned. “The stories I have heard conclude with the death of the unicorn. We don’t want that in t
“There’s another problem,” Vanja said. “Even if we convince the poachers we’re an ensemble, they’re not likely to respect our persons any better than they respect the scarabs or the law. How can we be safe from them?”
“We need to be a step ahead of them,” Wizard said. “Wetzel’s telepathy will help. We can get close enough to read their minds, then decide our course.”
Veee looked at Tod. “Have your gun ready.” And at Wizard. “And your bomb. We girls will have our knives. We may have to kill some men before we get clear of this with the male scarab. An appeal to their decency won’t work.”
“We may indeed,” Wizard agreed. “Perhaps it would be better to appeal to their greed. We can mention that we know where a hidden cache of scarabs is.”
“Won’t work,” Vanja said. “They’ll know it can’t be anything local, and we don’t want them to know about the Amoeba.”
“Then what do you suggest?” Wizard asked her sharply.
“We’re a party from a client planet that’s been paying through the nose for scarabs. We want to cut out the middleman and deal directly with the source. Our employers have whatever money they need; they just don’t like overpaying. This will suggest that the poachers can get more money by dealing with us directly. They’ll like that. But we’ll be canny about our planet, for obviously reasons; not of this trade is legal. So we pose as an ensemble so our traveling will seem innocuous.”
“You have a criminal mind, wench!” Wizard said.
“Thank you.” She flashed her fangs at him.
They refined the details. Then Wetzel turned unicorn, Wizard mounted, Vanja made a brief bat flight and then joined them, and they moved slowly toward the male scarab.
“PS, LadyBug,” Wizard said. “I know you are desperate to connect with that male, but we need you a while longer. You must hold back until we actually rescue him and get him to Refuge. If you go to him before then, all will be lost.”
I understand, LadyBug responded as she returned to Wetzel. I will restrain myself. Anyway, he’s not yet quite ready to breed; it will be a few more days.