Being Jamie Baker by Kelly Oram
“Ryan!” I yelled as soon as I was able to pull away from him—which admittedly took a minute.
“I’m sorry.” Ryan laughed with this big dopey grin on his face and then kissed me some more.
I had to push him away from me. “Don’t be sorry, just stop!”
I realized I was screaming at him when I felt a hundred different pairs of eyes on me. I tried to ignore the audience that Ryan seemed oblivious to and dropped the audio a few decibels. “I wasn’t kidding when I said this has to stop. Look, I will be your friend. I want to be your friend. But that’s it. We can’t be anything more. It’ll never work.”
Ryan watched me for a minute and then whispered, “Don’t do that.” I was shocked to hear the sudden emotion in his voice. “Don’t give up.”
It was hopeless.
“Fine!” I snapped. “I’ll be your stupid girlfriend!”
Big shocker, me giving Ryan his way, I know. But let’s face it—it’s just what I do best. I had to at least act a little tough, though. “But!” I said in the harshest voice I was capable of. “You can’t ever touch me unless I say. No more tackling me, and especially no more surprise kissing.”
He actually laughed at my request. “No promises.”
Stupid, cocky boyfriend.
“You’re crazy. You know that, right?”
Ryan got this big cheesy smile on his face and said, “Crazy about you.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “Would you be serious for a minute? Why do you insist on putting your life in danger?”
“Because I like you.”
His stupid grin was infectious. I wanted to be angry, but how could I with him looking at me like that?
“I’m not worth it, you know,” I said stubbornly. “I have issues. I’m unstable.”
“You’re cute when you’re unstable,” Ryan said, “and I like your issues.”
The stupid boy was straight-up giddy now. But he was so cute that I cracked a smile despite myself. “You really are crazy,” I muttered.
Ryan just smiled proudly and then held out his hand. “Come on. I’ll walk you to class.”
I’m sure people stared that day as Ryan walked me to my first-period class hand in hand. And I’m sure they talked about how he kissed me as he said good-bye, but I didn’t notice. Nor did I care if they did. I was on cloud nine that morning. Sure, I still had my doubts, and I was afraid I would cook Ryan one of these days, but at that moment it didn’t matter.
I was in such a good mood that day that even when Ryan and I walked into the cafeteria at lunch and the whole place stopped to watch us head through the lunch line, I didn’t notice. In fact, I didn’t even realize there were other people in the room until the girl in front of us slipped on a blob of spilled potato salad and Ryan caught her fall. When she realized who saved her she had the exact same reaction I would have if I suddenly found myself in Ryan’s arms. She sighed, entirely smitten. “Thanks.”
“It was my pleasure,” Ryan insisted playfully as he put her back on her feet. “I’m a quarterback, you know? I never get to catch.”
The girl started to laugh until she saw me standing there, and then her face went white. She mumbled a quick “Sorry” in my direction and then practically took off running.
Ryan and I watched her go and managed to hold back our snickers until we got to our table.
“Poor thing,” I said, laughing as we sat down.
“Yeah,” Ryan teased. “I remember the first time I had to interact with you. It’s pretty scary.”
“Oh yeah, I’m sure you were real terrified as you were asking me to make out with you. But that’s not what I meant.” I laughed when Ryan looked at me puzzled. “That poor girl just slipped on potato salad and fell in love forever.”
Ryan rolled his eyes at me, but I saw him smirk a little as he glanced over at the girl he’d just rescued. “She’ll be over it by the end of lunch,” he said.
“Right. Just like Amy Jones got over it? Or like Paige will ever be over it? You do realize you could have your pick of any of them, right?”
Ryan glanced again at the girl and then seemed to do a quick sweep of the cafeteria. “Yeah, I know,” he said, failing at his attempt not to grin.
“So why me? If any girl in this school would go out with you, and all of them would have given you less trouble about it than I did, and none of them risk killing you if you get too close, why go through all the trouble?”
Ryan didn’t even have to think about it. “That’s easy. Because you kissed me that day.”
“Because I kissed you? Seriously? You only like me because I’m a good kisser? That’s it. We’re not doing this. I’m not letting you risk your life just because you can’t think with your upstairs brain.”
“No, you twit.” Ryan laughed. “Because you kissed me that day. I expected the ice queen and got a funny, go-with-the-flow girl that didn’t care what anyone thought about her. A girl willing to stir up gossip just so that I could win a date with someone else.
“You didn’t have to help me. In fact, you probably should have been insulted, but you weren’t. You kissed me, you smiled, and then you wished me good luck. No one’s ever surprised me like that. I couldn’t figure out why you did it, and I just had to get to know you after that.”
I had no idea that stupid kiss had that kind of effect on him. Charged him up like a battery, sure, but do all that? All this time I really thought it was just the superkissing that kept him coming back. I looked down at my lunch, feeling a little ashamed of my lack of faith in him, but Ryan couldn’t stop there.
Oh, no, not Ryan Miller.
“After that day, every time I was with you I got brief glimpses of the real Jamie, the one who is dying to break out, and she was this fun, relaxed, smart, funny, caring girl. Finding out the truth about you only made you that much more incredible. You’re so strong. You’ve gone through so much, you’re going through so much, but you never stop trying. You’re amazing.”
I was surprised when I felt Ryan’s hand lift my chin up. I didn’t want to look at him, I knew what would happen to my heart if I did, but I couldn’t stop myself. I craved him too much.
When we made eye contact, his face lit up and he whispered, “I love you, Jamie Baker.”
It came out of nowhere, and it stole the breath from me, leaving me speechless. Ryan stared at me, just waiting for some kind of reaction, and then I was the one who broke the no-kissing rule.
It wasn’t my fault. He totally cheated! Like anyone could resist Ryan Miller when he’s touching your face and saying he loves you?
I threw myself at him so fast that I startled him for a change, and he was the one who had to pull me off him when his hair started to stick up.
“Sorry,” I breathed as he pulled away.
“Don’t be sorry,” he teased. “Just stop.”
“Sorry,” I said again when I noticed that his leg was now bouncing under the table.
“Yeah. Looks like I don’t get to sleep through economics today.”
“On the bright side, Coach could make you run laps all practice long and you’d be fine.”
We had a good laugh, and then I was even more clueless as to what was going on around me than before. It was honestly the best day I’d had since I’d come to Rocklin High. I was in my own little world, and for once, it was a happy world.
* * * * *
CHAPTER 21
I went home and my mother knew something was up the minute I walked in the door. She was so shocked to see me in such a happy mood that she suckered me into dishing the dirt over mani-pedis the way we used to before my accident.
It was the best day ever, and I didn’t think anything could spoil it until Becky Eastman knocked on our door while my mom and I were making dinner. Since I knew Ryan had to work after practice, I let Mom get it. When I heard Becky ask my mom if I was home, I was so stunned that I accidentally knocked the potatoes off the counter. Of course I caught them before they hit the ground, but still, surprised
I figured that after today, with Ryan and I officially a couple in the public’s eye, Becky had finally had enough and she’d come to kill me. I listened for the angry mob, but it was just her. My mother had invited her in, but Becky said she couldn’t stay. When I found her she was still standing on the front porch, looking as if she were afraid my house would come to life and swallow her whole.
“Look,” I said, not giving her a chance to say anything, “you hate me, and that’s fine. I deserve to be hated. And I know I’m the worst person in the world for Ryan, okay? But you’re wrong about me. I don’t want him ruining his life over me any more than you do. You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to tell him to get lost. I even tried to tell him to go out with you instead. I’ve done everything I can, but he just won’t listen, and I’m tired of fighting him, so just lay off me.”
I think she was a little surprised by my speech, and she looked absolutely terrified to be confronting me, but after a minute she started to relax. “I know,” she said, and shrugged matter-of-factly. “It’s not your fault.”
I was so shocked I could barely understand the words coming out of Becky’s mouth. She cracked a smile and said, “When Ryan decides he wants something, he gets it. You never had a chance.”
I still had no idea what to say or do. I didn’t think to let her in or tell her to go away, I just sort of stood there until it got awkwardly quiet. Becky was the first to speak. “I’m sorry about the other day. I shouldn’t have said all those things.”
The apology was even more surprising still, and I wanted to say something nice in return, but I was speechless.
“Ryan’s been my best friend for practically my whole life,” Becky said when I didn’t respond. “I was just worried about him, but I’ve never seen him as happy as he looked today.” She paused for a minute and then said, “Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m glad he’s finally found someone.”
All I could do was force a bewildered smile. “Thanks.”
“Yeah,” she said, and then turned to leave.
“Hey, Becky? For the record, when Mike punched Ryan and got them both suspended, they weren’t fighting about me. Ryan’s really worried about you.”
I was able to smile for real this time when she turned around, and I wasn’t all that surprised when her eyes glossed over. She stood there for a minute wiping at her eyes, and then took a deep breath. “How did you know?” she asked. “About Mike, I mean. The other day you said you know what really happened.”
“I know the signs.” I sighed and sat down on the front steps. “I told you we have more in common than you think.”
Becky’s eyes got really big as my meaning sank in. It took her a minute to work up the courage, but eventually she smiled. “You want to go to the mall?” she asked. “I could really use a smoothie and some new shoes right about now.”
I can’t even tell you how excited I was by her offer. I mean, it had been a year and a half since I just went to the mall with my friends. It sounded like such a normal teen thing to do that I couldn’t believe I was being included. I kid you not, I almost cried. My face lit up and I started to nod, but I could smell the aroma of my mom’s stuffed chicken wafting from the kitchen and remembered it was Thursday. “Oh, you know, I’d really love to,” I said, “but my parents and I already have plans tonight. How about tomorrow?”
Becky smiled but shrugged. “Friday. Game day.”
“Right.”
Becky and I were both startled when my mother came to the door. “Jamie, honey, don’t be silly. You girls go have a good time. Thursday will be here next week too.”
I should have known my mother was hovering within hearing distance. I also should have known she’d be quicker to blow off family night than me. She was as desperate as I was for me to have girlfriends, if not more, so I didn’t argue with the woman. “Thanks, Mom.”
She actually cried as she hugged and kissed me good-bye, and told us to have fun. It was a little embarrassing, but what can you do?
“Sorry about my mom,” I said once Becky and I were browsing the mall, smoothies in hand. “She’s a little excited to see me talking to people again. The first time Ryan talked to me outside of school, we saw him at the theater. All he did was say hi to me and she hugged him.”
“How embarrassing.”
“She can’t help it.” I sighed. “She’s just been too worried about me for too long.”
“So, you were really…” Becky stopped when she was unable to say the word and changed her sentence. “It happened to you too?”
“Not exactly,” I admitted. “It was right after sophomore year ended. There was this festival, and my boyfriend suggested we—”
“Go someplace quiet?” Becky offered dryly, as if Mike had used those exact words.
I nodded. “So we could talk.”
“Us girls are so gullible, aren’t we?” Becky groaned. “What guy ever just wants to talk?”
I laughed but then sighed. “Yeah, well, I bought it hook, line, and sinker. Derek and I had been together for about five months, and he had just graduated. He was going away to college in the fall, so I thought that’s what we were going to talk about.” I shrugged sheepishly and added, “We got lost in a cornfield for a while.”
“At least that’s kind of romantic.” Becky frowned. “Mike just took me back to his house and got into his dad’s liquor cabinet. I had a drink, but I was not drunk.” Becky’s voice turned harsh, and she started to cry again. “I told him to stop! I begged him. But he just kept telling me that it was okay and that I was so beautiful and to trust him.”
Suddenly there were tears in my eyes too. “I’m sorry.”
Becky shrugged, grateful for the sympathy even if it didn’t make the pain go away. As she batted away her tears, I decided to share my gory details too. “Derek and I were making out, and when he started getting too aggressive I said I wasn’t ready. He told me he loved me and that if I loved him too I’d do this for him. I felt bad so I started kissing him again. He was a lot more forceful the second time, and when he pushed me to the ground I got so scared.”
“What happened?” Becky asked after I’d stopped talking. My mind had drifted back to that night.
“I tried to fight him off. I kneed him pretty hard, and he got so mad that he hit me. Gave me my first black eye. It surprised him as much as it did me. He tried to apologize, but I screamed at him that it was over and took off running.”
“But at least people knew, right? I mean you were black-and-blue. At least he got in trouble, right? I think that’s the worst part about it. Mike just got away with it. Even if I tell people what happened no one will believe me. It’s Mike. Everyone loves Mike. Even Paige and Tamika just assumed he played me, and they were supposed to be my best friends. Ryan’s the only person who would believe me, but I can’t tell him. Mike’s his best friend, and he’d probably kill him if he knew what he did.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
Becky was surprised to hear this, and I tried to smile, but it didn’t quite work. “No one ever knew what happened to me either. We got in a car wreck on the way home from the cornfield that night. Both Derek and the truck driver that hit us were killed, and everyone just assumed my bruises were from the accident.”
“I’m sorry.”
I shook my head as if to tell her not to worry about it and continued on with the story. “Derek was like a god in our town. Ryan and Mike put together. He was headed to the University of Chicago on a football scholarship.”
I took a minute to get my emotions under control and then said, “I was the one behind the wheel. I was the only one who survived. There wasn’t a person in town that didn’t worship the ground Derek walked on, and everyone blamed me for his death. I walked around with that black eye for w
“My parents eventually moved me here to get away from it all, but even they don’t know what really happened. How could I tell them? How could I tell anyone? What would be the point? He was dead.”
Becky had tears in her eyes because she felt bad for me, but I smiled because it felt good to finally tell someone the truth, especially someone who understood how I felt. “As you can see, moving here didn’t help all that much. At least not until Ryan came along.” I blushed when I said Ryan’s name. I wanted to kick myself for doing it, but I’m pathetically hung on that kid. “Ryan’s been kind of great, actually.”
“He usually is,” Becky said with a long sigh. Then after a nice, little laugh we got back to our comfort shopping.
It turns out that Becky’s kind of great too. I mean, besides Ryan and being molested by jerks, we actually have a ton of other stuff in common. Maybe we were both just feeling a little relieved after our confessional, but we had a great time. We got a killer deal on some shoes too, and the next day at school, when Ryan and I went through the lunch line, Becky came up to me and smiled as she said, “Nice boots!”
“Thanks,” I replied, and pointed to her feet. “Love the shoes! Anthropologie, right?”
Becky and I laughed, and then we noticed the look on Ryan’s face and laughed even harder. “Are you feeling all right?” I asked as I slipped my arm around his waist and squeezed him. “You look a little pale.”
“Me?” he asked, still fluttering his eyes back and forth between Becky and me. “Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”
“Actually, I feel…great!” I grinned at Becky. “You?”