Borrowed Dreams (Debbie Macomber Classics) by Debbie Macomber
“Congratulations.” Carly’s voice was softly disturbed. “You should be home with Barney, not in Alaska.”
“It won’t be any big surprise. Barney guessed last week.”
“But you should see a doctor, or purchase one of those test kits.”
“I will.” Diana’s soft laugh was filled with happiness. “As soon as I get back to Seattle.”
“Which will be today, if I have anything to say about it. The last thing I need is a pregnant woman on my hands.” Carly was teasing her friend. Diana’s life was so perfect. Barney’s love had made her friend complete. No one would recognize the Diana of only a year ago in the softly radiant woman she was now. Love had done that for her.
But in Carly’s instance, love had created dark shadows under her eyes. It had left her restless and sleepless until exhaustion claimed her in the wee hours of the morning.
* * *
Carly held back the tears when she dropped Diana off at the airport later that day.
“I don’t think I’ve done anything to help you, but this is something you’ve got to settle within yourself,” Diana said, as she embraced her before boarding her flight.
“I know.” Carly swallowed back the emotion building in her throat.
“Be happy,” Diana murmured with tears glistening in her eyes. “Don’t let the past rob you of the best thing to come along in your entire life.”
Carly couldn’t answer with anything but an abrupt nod of her head.
“Keep in contact now, you hear?”
Again Carly nodded. She waited until the plane had made its ascent into the welcoming blue sky before she wiped the moisture from her ashen cheeks and headed back to the office.
When she pulled up in front of Alaska Freight Forwarding, the first thing Carly noted was that Brand’s car was parked outside. Her heart raced with a thousand apprehensions. Starved for the sight of him, Carly hurried inside, afraid she’d miss him if she didn’t move quickly enough.
“Brand.” She couldn’t disguise the breathless quality in her voice.
He turned, and the intensity in his eyes stopped her.
“Carly.” George stepped around from his desk. “Welcome the newest employee to our firm. You didn’t think I’d give you all those days off without striking a deal with Brand, did you?”
Chapter Twelve
“You’re working here?” The question managed to make it past the lump of shock that tightened Carly’s throat. From the time she’d first started at Alaska Freight Forwarding, George had been trying to get Brand to become a full-time pilot for the company. But the money he made freelancing his services to the various businesses around town was far and above what he would make flying with one company. That Brand would agree to such an arrangement jolted Carly. And he’d done it so they could visit Portland and Lake Iliamna. She had no doubt that he now considered both those trips wasted in light of what had followed.
“Carly.” Brand’s greeting was polite and stiff.
“Hello.” She didn’t trust her voice beyond the simplest welcome.
A perplexed expression skirted its way across George’s wrinkled face. “Yes, well, it seems you two have things to discuss.” He glanced uneasily from Brand to Carly. “I’ll be in the garage.”
She waited until the door clicked shut. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.
Brand gave an aloof shrug, glancing at the clipboard that contained the flight schedule for the week. “It didn’t seem important at the time.”
She turned to him. “Diana and I had a long talk—”
“Obviously it didn’t make a lot of difference,” he cut in sharply. “Otherwise your things would be at the house where they belong.”
Carly ignored the censure in his voice. The lines about his mouth were tight and grim. She remembered that the grooves had relaxed when he’d held her in his arms and they’d made love. She closed her eyes against an unexpected surge of guilt. Unwilling for Brand to see her pain, Carly lowered her eyes and pretended an interest in the correspondence on her desk.
“Diana said you phoned her.” She spoke after a few moments.
His dark eyes blazed for just an instant, and Carly realized she’d said the wrong thing. He hadn’t wanted her to know that he’d contacted her friend.
“I’m glad you did, because I want to clear away a few misunderstandings.”
“Such as?” He set the clipboard aside and poured himself a cup of coffee. Lifting the glass pot up to her, he inquired if she wanted a cup.
Carly shook her head. The only thing she wanted was for them to come to some understanding about their marriage and the children.
Brand took a sip of hot coffee. “You said something about misunderstandings,” he prompted.
“Yes.” Carly swallowed and moistened her dry lips. “It’s about Shawn and Sara.”
Brand’s dark features were unreadable as he leaned against the side of George’s wooden desk. “The kids are my problem.” Heavy emphasis was placed on the fact that he now considered the children his, when once he’d insisted that they were theirs. And really, how could she blame him? His attitude was the result of her insecurities and unreasonableness.
“But … I’m your wife and …”
Brand snickered. “My wife? Are you, Carly? Really?” he taunted, and turned abruptly toward the door. The knob clicked as he turned it. “My impression of husbands and wives was that they lived together. But then I’ve been known to be wrong.”
Carly bit into her lip. Brand was lashing out at her in his anger, because he was hurting. Not knowing what else to do, Carly stood at the window to watch him leave. He was heading for the airport. A glance at the clipboard confirmed that he’d be flying to Fairbanks. If there was any consolation to Brand being on the payroll, it was that at least now she’d know where he was and when to expect him back. But the solace that offered was little.
Carly purposely stayed late that night, waiting until Brand had checked in with George. She wasn’t looking for another confrontation, just the assurance that he’d returned safely. Immediately, it became apparent that having Brand work for the same company had as many drawbacks as advantages. In some ways she’d rather not know his schedule. Ignorance was bliss when she didn’t realize he was overdue. Now it would be there for her to face every minute of every day.
The thought of returning to a lonely apartment held no appeal, so Carly decided to take a short drive. Almost without realizing it, she found herself turning the corner that led to the house. Her heart leaped to her throat when she noticed that Brand had installed a swing set in the side yard.
A chill raced up her spine as she parked alongside the curb and examined the polished metal toy. The swings were painted in a rainbow design, with racing stripes wrapped around the poles. Without much imagination, Carly could picture two pairs of blue eyes sparkling with happy surprise.
When her gaze slid away from the swing set, she saw that Brand was standing in front of the wrought-iron gate, studying her.
“Was there something you wanted?” he asked coolly.
A sad smile touched her mouth. “I see that you’ve risked bribing their affection with a swing set.” She was reminding him of his mother’s comment.
Their eyes met, and for a flickering moment amusement showed in his glance. “I saw the draperies. When did you bring those over?”
Looking away, Carly said, “A few days ago.”
“Would you like to see what else I’ve done?”
Her nod was eager. If they talked, maybe Brand would come to understand her doubts. Maybe together they could find a solution.
If there was one.
He walked around the car and held open her door. When she climbed out, his hand cupped her elbow. The gesture of affection was an unconscious one; Carly was sure of that. But whatever his reason, or lack of it, she couldn’t remain unaffected by his touch. A warmth spread its way up her arm. Brand had initiated her to the physical delights of married life, and afte
Brand held open the screen door, allowing Carly to enter ahead of him. A small gasp of surprise escaped before she could control it. New furniture graced the family-size living room. The davenport and matching love seat were the ones they’d talked about purchasing from a local furniture store. Carly had liked the set immensely, but they’d decided to wait until they bought a house before purchasing furniture.
“You decided to go ahead and get the set,” she stated unnecessarily. Another armchair was angled toward the fireplace. Carly had teased Brand about buying a chair that made up into a single bed. In discussing the purchase, she’d suggested that they try it out first by making love on it some night in front of a flickering fire.
The look in Brand’s eyes confirmed that he remembered her idea. His hands moved to rest on either side of her neck. Carly closed her eyes at the pressure of his thumbs on her collarbones as he massaged her tender skin.
“Isn’t the carpeting new, too?” She fought to keep her voice level and so not betray what the gentle caress of his fingers was doing to her.
“Yes,” he muttered, dropping his hands.
Carly relaxed and released an unconscious sigh. She couldn’t understand why Brand was making so many expensive changes in a rental house. He must have read the question in her eyes.
He turned away from her and ran a hand through his hair, mussing the smooth surface. “When you liked the house so much, I made inquiries about buying it.”
Carly nearly choked on a sob. He had done this for her. The irony of the situation produced a painful throb in the area of her heart. Brand was offering her the first home she’d ever known, and she was walking away from him. “You’re buying the house? Why?”
He didn’t answer her for several long moments. “Anchorage is my home now. Everything I want in life is here. Or soon will be,” he amended. “I’m no longer running from the past.”
The implication that she still was coated his voice. She wanted to beg him to give her more time to reconcile herself to the fact that she couldn’t be his first love. That the children she’d be raising were those of another woman. And again … again, as she had all her life, she would be living on borrowed dreams. Her eyes begged him not to tell her how unreasonable she was being. She already knew. She couldn’t hate herself any more than she did at that moment.
“The carpet’s beautiful,” she murmured. Her gaze drifted past Brand into the cheery kitchen. The room had been repainted a brilliant yellow. He didn’t need to tell her that he’d done that for her, too. Once, a few weeks ago, she’d explained that she felt a kitchen should reflect sunshine. Brand had teased her at the time, commenting that they had enough painting to do. Maybe in a couple of months they’d get around to that. As it was, they’d barely have enough time to prepare the house before Shawn and Sara arrived.
A sob jammed her throat, making speech impossible. Tears blurred her vision. Brand must have seen her reaction to the house and all he’d done. When he reached for her, she went willingly into his arms. His broad chest muffled her sudden tears. Everything she’d ever wanted was here with Brand, but she couldn’t accept it.
Home. Family. Love.
The ache in her heart was so profound that she felt like a wounded animal caught in a crippling trap. Only in her case, the trap was of her own making. She couldn’t stay. She couldn’t go.
“Carly,” Brand whispered, and a disturbing tremor entered his voice. He paused to brush the wet strands of hair from her cheek. “Don’t cry like that.”
Her shoulders shook so hard that catching her breath was nearly impossible. She gasped and released long, shuddering sobs as she struggled to regain her composure. “Hold me,” she pleaded, in a throbbing voice. “Please, hold me.”
His arms came around her so tightly that her ribs ached. Carly didn’t mind. For the first time in weeks, she felt secure again. His chin rested on the top of her head until her tears abated. Not until her breathing became controlled and even did she realize that, all the while she’d been weeping, Brand had been talking to her in soothing tones, reassuring her of his love.
“Are you okay?” he asked quietly.
“I’m sorry, so sorry,” she murmured over and over. Her sorrow wasn’t because of the tears, but because of what she was doing to them both.
In the momentary stillness that followed, Brand allowed a small space to come between them. Her gaze met his penetrating one as he reached out and wiped the moisture from her pale cheek with his index finger. Her lips trembled, anticipating his kiss, and he didn’t disappoint her. His mouth captured hers. Warmth seeped into her cold blood at the urgent way in which his mouth rocked over hers.
“Brand.” She said his name in a tortured whisper, asking for his love. She needed him. Just for tonight she hungered for the feel of his arms around her, and she longed to wake with him at her side in the morning. Just for tonight, tomorrow, with all its problems, could be pushed aside.
Hugging her more tightly, Brand lifted her into his arms and carried her down the hall and into their bedroom. The springs of the bed made a squeaking sound as he lowered her onto the mattress.
Carly’s arms encircled his neck, directing his mouth to hers. She tasted his restraint the moment his mouth brushed past her lips.
“Brand,” she whispered, hurt and confused. “What’s wrong?”
He sat on the edge of the bed and leaned forward. The shadow of a dejected figure played against the opposite wall. He looked broken, tired, and intolerably sad. Carly propped herself up on one elbow and ran her hand along the curve of his spine. “Brand.” She repeated her plea, not knowing what had prompted his actions. She was sure he desired her as much as she did him. Yet he’d called everything to an abrupt halt.
“Before we were married you suggested that we become lovers,” Brand began. “I told you then that I wanted more out of our relationship than a few stolen hours in bed.” His tone was heavy and tight. “I married you because I love you and need you emotionally, physically … every way that there is to need another person.” He hesitated and straightened slightly. Wiping a hand over his tired eyes, he turned so he could watch her as he spoke. “My home is here—our home, our bedroom. I’m asking you to share that with me as your lover, your friend, your confidant, your husband. Someday I want to feel our child growing inside you. I won’t accept just a small part of your life. I want it all. Maybe that’s selfish of me, but I don’t care anymore. All I know is that I can’t continue living like this, praying every day you’ll see all the love that’s waiting for you right here. And worse, witnessing the battle going on inside you and knowing I’m losing. And when I lose, you lose. And Shawn and Sara lose.”
Carly fell back against the mattress and stared at the ceiling. “Brand, please,” she pleaded, in a soft, pain-filled voice. He couldn’t believe that she wanted to be like this. She’d give anything to change and be different.
“I’ll be your husband, Carly,” he said flatly, “when you can be my wife.”
Her heart cried out, but only a strangled sound came from her throat. Her emotions had been bared, and he’d known how desperately she’d needed him. There hadn’t been any pretense in her coming to him tonight. She’d wanted his love and he was sending her away.
By some miracle, Carly managed to stumble out of the bedroom and the house. She didn’t stop until she arrived back at the apartment. There were no more tears in her to cry as she paced the floor like a caged wild animal confined to the smallest of spaces. Mindless exhaustion claimed her in the early-morning hours, but even then she slept on the sofa rather than face the bedroom alone.
The following morning, Carly was able to avoid seeing Brand. Intuition told her that he was evading her as well.
At the end of what seemed like the longest day of her life, Carly drove to her apartment, parked the car, and, without going inside, decided to go for a walk. If she was able to exert herself physically, maybe she’d be tired enough to sleep tonight. With no set course in mind, she strode for what seemed miles. Her hands were buried deep in her pockets, her strides urgent. At every street she watched in amazement as long parades of boys and girls captured her attention. Never had she seen more children. It was the first week of June and the evenings were light. Young boys were riding their bikes. For a time a small band of bikers followed her, dashing in and out of the sidewalk along her chosen route. Ignoring them, Carly focused her attention directly ahead until her eyes found a group of young girls playing with cabbage-faced dolls in the front yard of a two-story white house.
Quickening her pace, she discovered that she was near the library. A good book would help her escape her problems. But once inside, Carly learned that the evening was one designated for the appearance of a prominent storyteller. The building was full of children Shawn’s and Sara’s ages. One glance inside and Carly hurried out. Her breath came in frantic gasps as she ran away.
For one insane moment Carly wanted to accuse Brand of planning the whole thing. She didn’t need to be told her thoughts were outrageous, but the realization didn’t help.
The remainder of the week passed in a blur. If she was staying away from Brand, then he had changed his strategy and was making every excuse to be near her.
“I don’t mind telling you,” George commented early Monday morning, “I’ve been worried about you and Brand. The air between you has seemed a mite thick lately.”
Carly ignored him, centering her attention on the Pacific Alaska Maritime docking schedule. “We should get the Wilkens account to Nome by Thursday.”
“I was worried,” George continued, undaunted, “but the way Brand watches you, I know what brought you two together is still alive and well.” He chuckled and rubbed the side of his unshaven cheek. “On his part, anyway.”