Candide by Voltaire
CHAPTER 13
How Candide Was Forced to Leave the Lovely Cunégonde and the Old Woman
Having heard out the old woman’s story, the lovely Cunégonde paid her the respects which were appropriate to a person of her rank and merit. She took up the wager as well, and got all the passengers, one after another, to tell her their adventures. She and Candide had to agree that the old woman had been right.
—It’s certainly too bad, said Candide, that the wise Pangloss was hanged, contrary to the custom of autos-da-fé; he would have admirable things to say of the physical evil and moral evil which cover land and sea, and I might feel within me the impulse to dare to raise several polite objections.
As the passengers recited their stories, the boat made steady progress, and presently landed at Buenos Aires. Cunégonde, Captain Candide, and the old woman went to call on the governor, Don Fernando d’Ibaraa y Figueroa y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza. This nobleman had the pride appropriate to a man with so many names. He addressed everyone with the most aristocratic disdain, pointing his nose so loftily, raising his voice so mercilessly, lording it so splendidly, and assuming so arrogant a pose, that everyone who met him wanted to kick him. He loved women to the point of fury; and Cunégonde seemed to him the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. The first thing he did was to ask directly if she were the captain’s wife. His manner of asking this question disturbed Candide; he did not dare say she was his wife, because in fact she was not; he did not dare say she was his sister, because she wasn’t that either; and though this polite lie was once common enough among the ancients,42 and sometimes serves moderns very well, he was too pure of heart to tell a lie.
—Miss Cunégonde, said he, is betrothed to me, and we humbly beg your excellency to perform the ceremony for us.
Don Fernando d’lbaraa y Figueroa y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza twirled his moustache, smiled sardonically, and ordered Captain Candide to go drill his company. Candide obeyed. Left alone with my lady Cunégonde, the governor declared his passion, and protested that he would marry her tomorrow, in church or in any other manner, as it pleased her charming self. Cunégonde asked for a quarter-hour to collect herself, consult the old woman, and make up her mind.
The old woman said to Cunégonde: —My lady, you have seventy-two quarterings and not one penny; if you wish, you may be the wife of the greatest lord in South America, who has a really handsome moustache; are you going to insist on your absolute fidelity? You have already been raped by the Bulgars; a jew and an inquisitor have enjoyed your favors; miseries entitle one to privileges. I assure you that in your position I would make no scruple of marrying my lord the Governor, and making the fortune of Captain Candide.
While the old woman was talking with all the prudence of age and experience, there came into the harbor a small ship bearing an alcalde and some alguazils.43 This is what had happened.
As the old woman had very shrewdly guessed, it was a long-sleeved Franciscan who stole Cunégonde’s gold and jewels in the town of Badajoz, when she and Candide were in flight. The monk tried to sell some of the gems to a jeweler, who recognized them as belonging to the Grand Inquisitor. Before he was hanged, the Franciscan confessed that he had stolen them, indicating who his victims were and where they were going. The flight of Cunégonde and Candide was already known. They were traced to Cadiz, and a vessel was hastily dispatched in pursuit of them. This vessel was now in the port of Buenos Aires. The rumor spread that an alcalde was aboard, in pursuit of the murderers of my lord the Grand Inquisitor. The shrewd old woman saw at once what was to be done.
—You cannot escape, she told Cunégonde, and you have nothing to fear. You are not the one who killed my lord, and, besides, the governor, who is in love with you, won’t let you be mistreated. Sit tight.
And then she ran straight to Candide: —Get out of town, she said, or you’ll be burned within the hour.
There was not a moment to lose; but how to leave Cunégonde, and where to go?
CHAPTER 14
How Candide and Cacambo Were Received by the Jesuits of Paraguay
Candide had brought from Cadiz a valet of the type one often finds in the provinces of Spain and in the colonies. He was one quarter Spanish, son of a halfbreed in the Tucuman;44 he had been choirboy, sacristan, sailor, monk, merchant, soldier, and lackey. His name was Cacambo, and he was very fond of his master because his master was a very good man. In hot haste he saddled the two Andalusian steeds.
—Hurry, master, do as the old woman says; let’s get going and leave this town without a backward look.
Candide wept: —O my beloved Cunégonde! must I leave you now, just when the governor is about to marry us! Cunégonde, brought from so far, what will ever become of you?
—She’ll become what she can, said Cacambo; women can always find something to do with themselves; God sees to it; let’s get going.
—Where are you taking me? where are we going? what will we do without Cunégonde? said Candide.
—By Saint James of Compostela, said Cacambo, you were going to make war against the Jesuits, now we’ll go make war for them. I know the roads pretty well, I’ll bring you to their country, they will be delighted to have a captain who knows the Bulgar drill; you’ll make a prodigious fortune. If you don’t get your rights in one world, you will find them in another. And isn’t it pleasant to see new things and do new things?
—Then you’ve already been in Paraguay? said Candide.
—Indeed I have, replied Cacambo; I was cook in the College of the Assumption, and I know the government of Los Padres45 as I know the streets of Cadiz. It’s an admirable thing, this government. The kingdom is more than three hundred leagues across; it is divided into thirty provinces. Los Padres own everything in it, and the people nothing; it’s a masterpiece of reason and justice. I myself know nothing so divine as Los Padres, who in this hemisphere make war on the kings of Spain and Portugal, but in Europe hear their confessions; who kill Spaniards here, and in Madrid send them to heaven; that really tickles me; let’s get moving, you’re going to be the happiest of men. Won’t Los Padres be delighted when they learn they have a captain who knows the Bulgar drill!
As soon as they reached the first barricade, Cacambo told the frontier guard that a captain wished to speak with my lord the Commander. A Paraguayan officer ran to inform headquarters by laying the news at the feet of the commander. Candide and Cacambo were first disarmed and deprived of their Andalusian horses. They were then placed between two files of soldiers; the commander was at the end, his three-cornered hat on his head, his cassock drawn up, a sword at his side, and a pike in his hand. He nods, and twenty-four soldiers surround the newcomers. A sergeant then informs them that they must wait, that the commander cannot talk to them, since the reverend father provincial has forbidden all Spaniards from speaking, except in his presence, and from remaining more than three hours in the country.46
—And where is the reverend father provincial? says Cacambo.
—He is reviewing his troops after having said mass, the sergeant replies, and you’ll only be able to kiss his spurs in three hours.
—But, says Cacambo, my master the captain, who, like me, is dying from hunger, is not Spanish at all, he is German; can’t we have some breakfast while waiting for his reverence?
The sergeant promptly went off to report this speech to the commander.
—God be praised, said this worthy; since he is German, I can talk to him; bring him into my bower.
Candide was immediately led into a leafy nook surrounded by a handsome colonnade of green and gold marble and trellises amid which sported parrots, birds of paradise,47 humming birds, guinea fowl, and all the rarest species of birds. An excellent breakfast was prepared in golden vessels; and while the Paraguayans ate corn out of wooden bowls in the open fields under the glare of the sun, the reverend father commander entered into his bower.
He was a very handsome young man, with an open face, rather blonde in coloring, wit
First Candide kissed the hem of the commander’s cassock, then they sat down at the table.
—So you are German? said the Jesuit, speaking in that language.
—Yes, your reverence, said Candide.
As they spoke these words, both men looked at one another with great surprise, and another emotion which they could not control.
—From what part of Germany do you come? said the Jesuit.
—From the nasty province of Westphalia, said Candide; I was born in the castle of Thunder-Ten-Tronckh.
—Merciful heavens! cries the commander. Is it possible?
—What a miracle! exclaims Candide.
—Can it be you? asks the commander.
—It’s impossible, says Candide.
They both fall back in their chairs, they embrace, they shed streams of tears.
—What, can it be you, reverend father! you, the brother of the lovely Cunégonde! you, who were killed by the Bulgars! you, the son of my lord the Baron! you, a Jesuit in Paraguay! It’s a mad world, indeed it is. Oh, Pangloss! Pangloss! how happy you would be, if you hadn’t been hanged.
The commander dismissed his negro slaves and the Paraguayans who served his drink in crystal goblets. He thanked God and Saint Ignatius a thousand times, he clasped Candide in his arms, their faces were bathed in tears.
—You would be even more astonished, even more delighted, even more beside yourself, said Candide, if I told you that my lady Cunégonde, your sister, who you thought was disemboweled, is enjoying good health.
—Where?
—Not far from here, in the house of the governor of Buenos Aires; and to think that I came to make war on you!
Each word they spoke in this long conversation added another miracle. Their souls danced on their tongues, hung eagerly at their eats, glittered in their eyes. As they were Germans, they sat a long time at table, waiting for the reverend father provincial; and the commander spoke in these terms to his dear Candide.
CHAPTER 15
How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunégonde
—All my life long I shall remember the horrible day when I saw my father and mother murdered and my sister raped. When the Bulgars left, that adorable sister of mine was nowhere to be found; so they loaded a cart with my mother, my father, myself, two serving girls, and three little butchered boys, to carry us all off for burial in a Jesuit chapel some two leagues from our ancestral castle. A Jesuit sprinkled us with holy water; it was horribly salty, and a few drops got into my eyes; the father noticed that my lid made a little tremor; putting his hand on my heart, he felt it beat; I was rescued, and at the end of three weeks was as good as new. You know, my dear Candide, that I was a very pretty boy; I became even more so; the reverend father Croust,48 superior of the abbey, conceived a most tender friendship for me; he accepted me as a novice, and shortly after, I was sent to Rome. The Father General had need of a resupply of young German Jesuits. The rulers of Paraguay accept as few Spanish Jesuits as they can; they prefer foreigners, whom they think they can control better. I was judged fit, by the Father General, to labor in this vineyard. So we set off, a Pole, a Tyrolean, and myself. Upon our arrival, I was honored with the posts of subdeacon and lieutenant; today I am a colonel and a priest. We will be giving a vigorous reception to the King of Spain’s men; I assure you they will be excommunicated as well as trounced on the battlefield. Providence has sent you to help us. But is it really true that my dear sister, Cunégonde, is in the neighborhood, with the governor of Buenos Aires?
Candide reassured him with a solemn oath that nothing could be more true. Their tears began to flow again.
The baron could not weary of embracing Candide; he called him his brother, his savior.
—Ah, my dear Candide, said he, maybe together we will be able to enter the town as conquerors, and be united with my sister Cunégonde.
—That is all I desire, said Candide; I was expecting to marry her, and I still hope to.
—You insolent dog, replied the baron, you would have the effrontery to marry my sister, who has seventy-two quarterings! It’s a piece of presumption for you even to mention such a crazy project in my presence.
Candide, terrified by this speech, answered: —Most reverend father, all the quarterings in the world don’t affect this case; I have rescued your sister out of the arms of a jew and an inquisitor; she has many obligations to me, she wants to marry me. Master Pangloss always taught me that men are equal; and I shall certainly marry her.
—We’ll see about that, you scoundrel, said the Jesuit baron of Thunder-Ten-Tronckh; and so saying, he gave him a blow across the face with the flat of his sword. Candide immediately drew his own sword and thrust it up to the hilt in the baron’s belly; but as he drew it forth all dripping, he began to weep.
—Alas, dear God! said he, I have killed my old master, my friend, my brother-in-law; I am the best man in the world, and here are three men I’ve killed already, and two of the three were priests.
Cacambo, who was standing guard at the entry of the bower, came running.
—We can do nothing but sell our lives dearly, said his master; someone will certainly come; we must die fighting.
Cacambo, who had been in similar scrapes before, did not lose his head; he took the Jesuit’s cassock, which the commander had been wearing, and put it on Candide; he stuck the dead man’s square hat on Candide’s head, and forced him onto horseback. Everything was done in the wink of an eye.
—Let’s ride, master; everyone will take you for a Jesuit on his way to deliver orders; and we will have passed the frontier before anyone can come after us.
Even as he was pronouncing these words, he charged off, crying in Spanish: —Way, make way for the reverend father colonel!
CHAPTER 16
What Happened to the Two Travelers with Two Girls, Two Monkeys, and the Savages Named Biglugs
Candide and his valet were over the frontier before anyone in the camp knew of the death of the German Jesuit. Foresighted Cacambo had taken care to fill his satchel with bread, chocolate, ham, fruit, and several bottles of wine. They pushed their Andalusian horses forward into unknown country, where there were no roads. Finally a broad prairie divided by several streams opened before them. Our two travelers turned their horses loose to graze; Cacambo suggested that they eat too, and promptly set the example. But Candide said: —How can you expect me to eat ham when I have killed the son of my lord the Baron, and am now condemned never to see the lovely Cunégonde for the rest of my life? Why should I drag out my miserable days, since I must exist far from her in the depths of despair and remorse? And what will the Journal de Trévoux say of all this?49
Though he talked this way, he did not neglect the food. Night fell. The two wanderers heard a few weak cries which seemed to be voiced by women. They could not tell whether the cries expressed grief or joy; but they leaped at once to their feet, with that uneasy suspicion which one always feels in an unknown country. The outcry arose from two girls, completely naked, who were running swiftly along the edge of the meadow, pursued by two monkeys who snapped at their buttocks. Candide was moved to pity; he had learned marksmanship with the Bulgars, and could have knocked a nut off a bush without touching the leaves. He raised his Spanish rifle, fired twice, and killed the two monkeys.
—God be praised, my dear Cacambo! I’ve saved these two poor creatures from great danger. Though I committed a sin in killing an inquisitor and a Jesuit, I’ve redeemed myself by saving the lives of two girls. Perhaps they are two ladies of rank, and this good deed may gain us special advantages in the country.
He had more to say, but his mouth shut suddenly when he saw the
—I wasn’t looking for quite so much generosity of spirit, said he to Cacambo; the latter replied: —You’ve really fixed things this time, master; you’ve killed the two lovers of these young ladies.
—Their lovers! Impossible! You must be joking, Cacambo; how can I believe you?
—My dear master, Cacambo replied, you’re always astonished by everything. Why do you think it so strange that in some countries monkeys succeed in obtaining the good graces of women? They are one quarter human, just as I am one quarter Spanish.
—Alas, Candide replied, I do remember now hearing Master Pangloss say that such things used to happen, and that from these mixtures there arose pans, fauns, and satyrs,50 and that these creatures had appeared to various grand figures of antiquity; but I took all that for fables.
—You should be convinced now, said Cacambo; it’s true, and you see how people make mistakes who haven’t received a measure of education. But what I fear is that these girls may get us into real trouble.
These sensible reflections led Candide to leave the field and to hide in a wood. There he dined with Cacambo; and there both of them, having duly cursed the inquisitor of Portugal, the governor of Buenos Aires, and the baron, went to sleep on a bed of moss. When they woke up, they found themselves unable to move; the reason was that during the night the Biglugs,51 natives of the country, to whom the girls had complained of them, had tied them down with cords of bark. They were surrounded by fifty naked Biglugs, armed with arrows, clubs, and stone axes. Some were boiling a caldron of water, others were preparing spits, and all cried out: —It’s a Jesuit, a Jesuit! We’ll be revenged and have a good meal; let’s eat some Jesuit, eat some Jesuit!
—I told you, my dear master, said Cacambo sadly, I said those two girls would play us a dirty trick.