Cargo by Katie Mineeff
Chapter Eleven
Max is in our cabin laying belly-down on the bed sketching. He is idly swinging his legs in the air making him look so young and carefree, both of which he isn’t. I close the door with more noise than usual to get his attention but he ignores the gesture and continues sketching so I walk over and sit on the end of the bed.
“Max, can we talk?” I ask, to which he nods and puts his book and pencil down moving into a sitting position.
“I’m sorry, I haven’t been treating you the way you deserve, sometimes it’s hard for me to see you as anything other than the three year old who wouldn’t let go of my leg”, I try a bit of humour to see where Max’s mood is but get no response out of him.
He sits quietly waiting for more.
“I need to ask you something… what has changed?”
“We both have”, Max answers aggravating me with his allusiveness.
“Max, Tomas told me what happened while I was sick. He said you didn’t want me to know, why wouldn’t you tell me something like that? I’m so sorry you had such a hard time when I was sick and I wasn’t there for you and I’m sorry that I didn’t talk about how you were going after I woke up, it was self-absorbed of me”, I blurt out in a rush.
“Tomas shouldn’t have told you what happened. It’s none of his business. It’s not your fault that things have changed they just have”, Max says with a little more feeling and a softening of his posture.
I feel like I’m burdening him again with my emotions, making him feel sorry for me when it should be the other way around.
“Don’t do that, it’s not your job to make me feel better, just accept my apology, you deserve it”, I respond.
“I accept your apology”, he mumbles.
There is something else. Things are not easy between us.
“What’s wrong, Max? Why won’t you tell me?” I plead.
“I’m not the only one who is keeping something to themself”, Max throws back at me.
I can’t believe he is holding that against me, it seems malicious, so unlike him. Can this all be about me asking him to wait before I tell him about what Renka said?
Max waits to see what my reaction to this is, but I simply stare at him in confusion.
“Renka told me everything, Pia, I know what you are, it can’t work the way you want it to anymore. Out of the two of us you are the one who needs to be kept safe. This isn’t something you should have kept from me”, Max blurts out with accusation in his voice.
I am furious that Renka dared to tell Max! How am I supposed to explain to Max that it is probably all a lie, that Renka doesn’t tell the whole truth, that it’s a dangerous hope to have and mostly that I don’t want it to change the way we are. He still is the most important one.
“Max, you don’t know Renka. I know you would want to believe what he said but it is probably all a lie, or at least half truths that don’t amount to what he says it does”, I try to say this with confidence instead of pleadingly but I don’t think I fool Max. He looks me straight in the eyes and shakes his head.
“Pia, it doesn’t matter if what Renka says isn’t true because we have to act like it could be. If it is, you are more important than anyone else in the world and need to be kept safe. We need to do this until we work out how to use the vaccination stuff or until you get sick and…” he trails off at this last part, his eye twitches at the thought of me dying and I realise how hard it is for him to maintain this confident façade.
He is trying to convince me that he is more than capable of dealing with everything on his own, that he doesn’t need me to protect him instead he’ll be there to protect me. He sounds like Renka, I imagine them talking about me and Renka telling him that it is his job to ensure I am safe because he is the closest to me. I am furious at Renka for putting this on Max and wonder what proof Max asked for and what Renka gave him.
“Max, I don’t know exactly what Renka told you about my possible immunity but I think it’s dangerous to believe him or even hope it’s true. I could get sick tomorrow and die then what will happen to you? You need to understand that the same fate awaits me as it does everyone else unless we find something miraculous at The Refuge”, I state confidently.
“Why can’t you believe that we have already found something miraculous? You know everyone thinks there is something different about you, that you’re special. Who else is as old as you and who else have you ever known has gotten so sick then recovered so completely in only a week? If we told everyone right now that you have immunity I don’t think they would be surprised. It’s not about us anymore, Pia, it’s about everyone, you talk about hope, what is it that’s so dangerous about it, what are you scared of?” Max responds passionately.
“It’s not only me I’m worried about. If you really believe I am the answer to stopping Age-Sickness and you live your life with that hope imagine what will happen when I die from the very sickness I’m supposed to be immune to? You broke down the first time, you have to acknowledge that I will get sick again and that time I might not get better”, I answer.
“No, Pia, you have to let yourself believe something good can happen, you spend so much time being negative about everything. The truth is you’re scared to hope, you’re scared to let yourself get close to people, you feel safe when you’re in control and things are familiar around you. It just happens that what is familiar is hard work with little gain and plenty of death”, Max retorts almost angrily.
Suddenly my earlier self-reflection about me needing him more seems petty compared to this. Of course I am a negative person, who wouldn’t be in my situation? But then, there are lots of people who share similar circumstances who see goodness and hope for the best, who allow themselves to get close to people – everyone else on this ship to start with. Do I just feel sorry for myself? It suddenly hits me that the worst part of this is that I have forced Max into this state of negativity with me. I haven’t let him develop relationships with anyone else except me. Even Sadie and the kids we had lived with over the years were not allowed in our inner-circle, if a group of two could be a circle. I look at Max who is staring up at me with expectation in his eyes. Just what he expects me to say or do is beyond me. My instincts tell me to yell denials in his face and say we are just going to forget what Renka has told us and go on like normal will not go dow well with this new confident, driven Max. He has determination written all over him, determination to protect me, to be heard and to convince me to believe in myself. I have no power to change his mind. Who am I to even try? It was only about an hour ago that I was kissing Tomas in the control room. Isn’t that the action of someone with hope and a belief that enjoyment and good exists in the world? I let out a long exhausted sigh.
“So how do you think this changes things exactly, on a practical, day-to-day basis, I mean if we are to believe Renka?” I ask reluctantly.
“Well, I don’t think you should be doing sentry, at least not as many as you’ve signed up for and I think you should stay out of drills practice too, messing around with knives could end badly”, Max says confidently.
“Huh, well weapons training’s out now anyway, remember?” I wave my hand in front of his face “but what do you think everyone else on this ship would say if they saw me bludging while they all have to do their share of the work?” I ask, as if I am going to abide by these stupid boundaries anyway but I want to know just how far Max has thought this through.
“We’ll just say you’re still too weak and haven’t fully recovered from the Sickness, they won’t mind. It’ll be Tomas and me covering for your duties anyway”, Max answers with the air of someone who has planned for this contingency thoroughly.
“Does Tomas know too?” I ask frantically.
That would change everything, I’d have to question if he kissed the girl with immunity rather than just plain old Pia.
“No, I haven’t told anyone else, Renka doesn’t want anyone to know, but Tomas wouldn’t mind if we asked him. I’m pretty su
“I’m sure he wouldn’t, what do you mean?” I ask nonchalantly.
“You know what I mean; you two seek each other out all the time. He talks more about you than sketching techniques when he’s teaching me”.
“Really, what does he say?”
I feel excited and foolish at the same time. What has happened to me, to us? This is a complete role reversal and I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with it, but my curiosity wins and I listen intently to Max’s response.
“He mainly asks how you’re feeling, if you’re sleeping and eating, stuff like that”, Max says looking at me with curiosity.
“Oh, he’s probably just worried that I’ll get sick again and he’ll have to help out”, I mumbled dismissing Max’s comment.
I wonder if there is more to it, if he really is concerned with my wellbeing, if he’d be really upset if I got sick again. I refuse to take this idea any further, for one I am sitting next to my younger brother who is watching me intently and secondly, I don’t want to look too deeply into any feelings Tomas has for me.
“Yeah, maybe”, Max replies with no conviction in his voice at all.
“So about this sentry duty thing, I’m going to do my part, I won’t sit back and let everyone cover for me when I’m perfectly fine to do it myself. I won’t compromise on that. But you can take my share of Diego’s duties, I’m not happy about it but it’s only fair, you did it while I was sick and it’s not my job to tell you what you can’t do”.
It kills me to say this because I don’t believe it. It is my job to tell Max what is good and bad for him, I don’t want that to end because of some stupid idea Renka put in to his head.
“Pia, it has always been your job to tell me what to do and you did a good job of it but I’m twelve now, what were you doing when you were twelve?” Max asks knowingly.
By twelve, I was looking after Max and the rest of the young kids we lived with at the time, hunting for them, collecting their rations, teaching them to prepare and cook food, treat basic illnesses. But it was my circumstances that forced me into that position. Max doesn’t have to be that person, he is so lucky to be twelve and the youngest among a group of eleven others.
“You’ve made your point. I’ll try and back off a little from telling you what to do and talking for you. It’ll be hard for me though, Max, you are my little brother. But I want you to back off from this protecting me stuff. I don’t want you treating me like I need to be wrapped in cottonwool. I get what you’re saying about acting like the immunity thing is true to stay on the safe side but I’m quite capable of looking after myself on a ship in the middle of the ocean”, I declare with determination.
Of course the events that have occurred already on this ship make this last comment a stupid one to make, it seems plenty of things can happen in the middle of the ocean. But he understands what I mean.
Max nods his head and I lean down and hug him. It feels so good to feel his familiar shoulders under my arms and despite what he said about what being twelve means he still feels like my little brother who can always do with a cuddle.
I have sentry tonight again, Max and I rewrote the duties roster and stuck it up in the common cabin. I tried to renegotiate me having a few more than him but he wouldn’t have any of it so we divided it up equally. I’m on with Isabella and she has been describing the paper animals Linton has been making for the last week. She’s really impressed with his paper folding skills and is going on about how intricate the animals are. What a huge waste of resources, unless they are going to use the paper to fuel fire at some stage, but I don’t say this to Isabella. I let her talk and talk while I think about my time with Tomas in the control room. I haven’t seen him since and wonder what he’s doing. I’m not sure how it will be with us the next time we see each other. I imagine a few scenarios in my head, ranging from complete awkwardness to long kissing sessions but I doubt anything I come up with will resemble the reality.
The night is really beautiful and I’m glad the screen has receded back into the ship’s wall. The stars are spectacular, there are so many you can’t see the sky between them in some places. The temperature is cool but not so much that a jacket won’t keep you warm and the swell is non-existent, everything radiates a calmness that spreads through my senses. I feel like so much has been resolved in one day, I had no idea that Max has been weighing on my mind so much until we talked it out. There are things I’ll have to get used to. I am not much of a fan of Max doing sentry and weapons practice but there is little I can do about it besides restrain him and lock him in the cabin until we get to the dock. Although, I’m sure someone would notice his absence and he wouldn’t be too impressed when I finally let him out. It seems to me that we both inherited a bad temper and a penchant for stubbornness. That our temper manifested itself in violence against the same person, Renka, is pretty funny. So I can imagine the scene if I did lock him away.
In all honesty, I have a lot of confidence in Max’s ability to deal with situations. When I reflect on the recent past and things Max has had to confront in his life, I can see he is levelheaded and forthright in his approach to problems. What I thought was him being reserved and uncomfortable with people is more likely him choosing what to make a fuss over. Unlike me he has proven to be a bit more discerning in that area. It’s difficult for me to accept that I was reading him all wrong, that I had labelled him one way and treated him according to that label instead of seeing him grow and mature, changing into an independent thinker. I think the night terrors and the vulnerability associated with him when he thrashed about in his sleep, screaming and crying had a lot to answer for in swaying my perception of Max. The thing that bugs me the most about this change in Max is the idea that he will not hesitate to put himself in harm’s way in my place if he saw I was in danger. We spoke about it and I got an agreement out of him that he wouldn’t consider himself my self-appointed protector, despite what Renka asked of him. He reluctantly agreed but I suspect it was just to appease me. We’ll have to see what happens in the moment, if there ever is a moment.
Before I can take these thoughts any further, Fiona walks up from the lower deck and heads purposely in our direction. I smile warmly at her, after the mistaken suicide attempt incident I feel like I have a closer relationship with Fiona than I have with any of the others, besides Tomas that is. I still haven’t asked her what exactly she was in such a rush to see, but if she hasn’t offered the information maybe she doesn’t want me to find out. It’s weird that she isn’t asleep or at least in the common cabin at this time of night, even though it is a nice night, staying warm below seems a better option than walking up on deck in the middle of the night, especially when we all have this late sentry duty at some stage.
“Hey, Fiona, what are you doing up here? I certainly wouldn’t be if I didn’t have to be”, Isabella calls out to her before she reaches us at the dome.
Fiona doesn’t respond until she gets close enough to us not to call out. She looks sideways at Merva who is doing ‘the rounds’ tonight. I wonder if she has a message for Merva and just came over to say hello to us.
“I came to get Pia. Max is having a bad night, Pia; I can hear him from my cabin. I’ll cover for you for a bit while you go and check him out”, Fiona says looking between Isabella and I.
As soon as she mentions Max I head towards the stairs. I mumble my thanks to Fiona and pick up the pace. Max has improved so much recently, there is barely a night anymore where he has night terrors. I wonder if it is our earlier conversation that has triggered it and mentally berate myself for bringing it all up.
I jog down the hall towards our cabin, too frantic to notice that I haven’t heard Max yelling. By the time I get to the door and push it open I’m huffing and puffing, more with adrenalin than the physical effort it took me to get here. The scene that welcomes me is in such stark contrast to what Fiona reported and I stand sta
“What’s wrong?” Tomas asks.
I stare at him for a second, still not computing what I’m seeing with what Fiona said. Max is clearly fine and has been for some time if the amount of paper on the floor is anything to go by. I can’t imagine that Tomas and Max would be making loud enough noises to arouse Fiona at the end of the hall doing what they’re doing. Something does not fit. Flashes of Fiona hurrying to the bow of the ship while everyone was occupied with the turtle, her worried expression and distracted air after the screen went up and her sideways almost nervous glance at Merva just minutes before run through my head. On their own they mean nothing, but with this tonight, they all seem suspicious, something isn’t right and it doesn’t have anything to do with Max.
Without answering Tomas’ question I turn around and run up the hall, I vaguely hear footsteps behind me and assume Max and Tomas are following. I know there’s something wrong as soon as I get to the top of the stairs. The whole feel of the night has changed. I look first towards the dome, looking for Isabella, already not expecting to see her walking casually beside Fiona. Both are nowhere to be seen near the dome, I start towards it to check the side that is out of view from where I stand but movement from the area of the control room catches my eye. I turn sharply in that direction just in time to see Fiona sprint towards the side of the ship. I have no doubt as to her intentions. Before I can bring words to my mouth or place one foot in front of the other to chase her, Fiona reaches the side of the ship and dives into the night.