Coquette by Frank Swinnerton
longer?" She withdrew herself wholly from him. They werecompletely sundered. Toby was failing her. She was stone cold tohim--cold to all the world.
"Who says I don't?" asked Toby, in a grumbling way. He put out his arm,but Sally stepped back. "Here."
"No," she cried, sharply. Toby was not to take her for granted, not tohold her and make love to her. She was in earnest, and he was givinghimself away as one who had taken what he could get.
"I do." At last Toby's sullen assent reached Sally.
"You think I'm a liar," she persisted. "You don't love me." It wasbitter.
There was a silence. Toby was almost invisible. Both were lost in thedull estrangement of that troubled mood.
"Yes, I do," he muttered. "You _are_ a liar."
"I'm not. It's true what I say. If Gaga finds out...."
"Well? What d'you suppose _I_ can do? _I_ can't do anything. It's youwho's got to do something."
Sally thought for a moment at that savagely bullying tone, which waswithout love or understanding. She had a sudden sweep of hatred of Tobyas an animal that took no heed of responsibility or consequences. Thechill she had felt already deepened and filled her heart. Her lonelinesswas intensified. She gave a short laugh of bitter distraction. Agreater fierceness shook her, and she began to walk slowly away fromhim.
"Oh, well then, I'm done," she said, with cold recklessness. "Allright."
"Sally!" He came slowly after her; but his pursuit was not the oldvigorous insistence for which she longed. He wanted Sally--not a baby,not a difficulty. He would shirk anything but the fulfilment of hispassion. Instantly, she felt that he never would have married her if thetime had come.
"No!" It was a harsh cry. "Don't touch me. Go on, push off.... I'm donewith you." She walked more rapidly. She was only a little way now fromthe house, a hatless, disconsolate figure, oppressed and rigid.
"Sally." But he was still slow to follow. Sally cracked her fingers. Shewas finished with him. Her heart and her feet alike were leaden. She wastoo far gone for tears or sobs. It was not anguish that she felt; butbitterness so great that she could only hate Toby. She had loved him somuch! And this was the end of him. She felt her love killed at a blow,and she was without resource.
Suddenly strong fingers were upon Sally's shoulder. In other days shewould have been dominated. Not so now. She wrenched herself free, andwalked on. There was no attempt to run. She was finished ... finished.Some further sound she heard; but it was unintelligible. Toby, presentedwith a real problem which a man who loved her would have solved, hadbeen proved a doubting coward. She felt wronged, deceived. She hadalways expected violence from him, but she had always expected him toknow that she truly loved him, whatever her actions might seem otherwiseto suggest. Realisation of his ignorance destroyed her. Even at the gateSally might still have been won; but as she came abreast of it she sawthat the front door was open, and Gaga standing upon the top step.Coldly, she shut the gate; and walked resolutely up the steps. Toby wasleft dodging out of the circle of light, a pitiful conspirator. Gaga wassilhouetted, a long lean figure, against the light of the hall. Hepeered down into the darkness.
"Sally, is that you?" he exclaimed. "I was quite anxious."
"Were you?" It was listless, scornful.
As she passed him, Gaga gazed still into the darkness.
"Is that somebody with you?" he asked. "It looks...."
Sally went into the house, and as he followed her she closed the frontdoor quietly. It was strange to come from the black chilliness of thestreet into this new solid warmth and comfort. In the hall they facedone another. For once Sally was as grey as he--as grey and trembling.
"I thought.... I thought it was a man," said Gaga.
"Oh, did you?" Sally slipped off her coat, and threw it upon a chair.She was listening intently.
"Wasn't it?" Gaga did not touch her. He looked down with a startledexpression. "It looked like a man out there.... Wasn't it?"
"You'd better go out and see," advised Sally, with snapping teeth. "Thenyou'll be sure." As a fury possessed her, she turned upon him like a catat bay, all her teeth showing. "Funny if you were spying on me withoutany reason, wouldn't it be!"
She was so reckless that she did not measure consequences. She was in nomood to be cautious or considerate. Leaving him there Sally went intothe dining-room, and when Gaga entered upon her heels she went out ofthe room again and slowly up the stairs.
xvii
But all the time, although she seemed to ignore him, Sally with a partof her consciousness was listening and watching. She dreaded to hear thegroan of the gate upon its rusted hinges, the noise of a knock, or thegentle sound which the front door would make if Gaga accepted herchallenge. Her heart was almost silent as she waited, and then, as theminutes passed without interruption, her relaxation was half relief andhalf disappointment. Something within her had craved this crisis whichhad not arrived. Some sensual longing for violence was frustrate. Sallywas alone with Gaga, and Gaga, humble and obedient, was in her track,coming slowly and affectionately after her. As she saw from the landingthe top of his dark, grey-streaked head she almost screamed with fury.It was in that moment that aversion for him rose in a tumult from herheart. She hated Toby, but for his base cruelty alone. She hated Gagafor his inescapable possessiveness and gentle persecution. It was ahorror to Sally in her abnormal condition. She began to run up the nextflight of stairs, and tripped upon her skirt. The stumble brought somelittle sense to her. She rose, holding the balustrade. Shot through andthrough with bitterness as she was, she yet clutched at sanity. WhenGaga came abreast of her Sally took his arm; and they completed thejourney together.
"Sorry I was beastly," she said, with a little pinch of the arm. "Gotthe jumps."
"I know.... I know," whispered Gaga. "We'll go away. We'll go very ...very soon."
"Now?" Sally demanded. "To-morrow? Could we go to-morrow?"
"Well ... well, perhaps not ... to-morrow. The day after?" He washesitant, and did not oppose her. Sally's lip curled. What a man! Yes... yes ... yes; but the baby! She was again desperately shaken.
"Why not to-morrow?" she cried, almost spitefully. "Why hang about?"
Gaga wavered. He began to kiss her. His hands, holding hers, wereclammy. She had a glimpse of the black space under his eyes, and theswollen yellowness of the whites of his eyes, and his grey cheeks, solined and creased, and the dreadful salmon colour of his dry lips. Inhis arms though she was, Sally shuddered violently, aversion recurringwith such strength that she could not control her repugnance. This washer husband--her _husband_. Her eyes were strained away from him.
"You're cold," Gaga murmured. "Poor little girl.... You're ... you'recold."
"Yes, I'm cold," agreed Sally, with a violent effort for grimself-repression. "That's what's the matter with me. I stayed out toolong. I oughtn't to have gone out this evening." She again laughedslightly, her laugh so sneering that even Gaga looked up as though hehad been startled.
"We'll go to bed early," he said. "It's cold to-night. Let's havesomething hot, and go to bed. We can't have ... have you falling ill.It's nursing me that's made you ... queer."
"Yes, it's all my nursing." Sally spoke in a dry voice, and when hereleased her she went over to the fire without heeding Gaga, and lookeddown at its brightness. Still her ears were alert to catch some violencebelow; and as there was none her heart sank once more. Toby was gone.She had dismissed him and he had gone. She was more forlornly alone thanever. If Gaga had not been with her she must have sought relief in somephysical effort, some vehement thumping of the mantelpiece and a burstinto wild crying. The repression which Sally was forced to exercisetortured her. The agony she suffered was almost unbearable. Her mouthwas stretched in a horrible grimace, so poignant was her feeling.
"I.... I'd like something hot," Gaga proceeded, in innocence. "Some ...some cocoa ... or...."
"I'll get you some." It was with passionate exasperation that Sallyspoke; but she was thankful to know that she might leave him for a fewmin
utes. The room seemed to stifle her. She plunged to the door, walkingpast Gaga with her head averted, so that he might not see her face. Thestairs were cold, and she was upon the ground floor in an instant. Aservant, called from below, came slowly to receive instructions; butthere was no cocoa in the house. Nothing? No coffee? Nothing of the kindwas available. Still thankful for the opportunity of turning her mind todetails, Sally hurried upstairs again. Gaga was already half-undressed,and stood in front of the fire folding his coat. His thinness
"Who says I don't?" asked Toby, in a grumbling way. He put out his arm,but Sally stepped back. "Here."
"No," she cried, sharply. Toby was not to take her for granted, not tohold her and make love to her. She was in earnest, and he was givinghimself away as one who had taken what he could get.
"I do." At last Toby's sullen assent reached Sally.
"You think I'm a liar," she persisted. "You don't love me." It wasbitter.
There was a silence. Toby was almost invisible. Both were lost in thedull estrangement of that troubled mood.
"Yes, I do," he muttered. "You _are_ a liar."
"I'm not. It's true what I say. If Gaga finds out...."
"Well? What d'you suppose _I_ can do? _I_ can't do anything. It's youwho's got to do something."
Sally thought for a moment at that savagely bullying tone, which waswithout love or understanding. She had a sudden sweep of hatred of Tobyas an animal that took no heed of responsibility or consequences. Thechill she had felt already deepened and filled her heart. Her lonelinesswas intensified. She gave a short laugh of bitter distraction. Agreater fierceness shook her, and she began to walk slowly away fromhim.
"Oh, well then, I'm done," she said, with cold recklessness. "Allright."
"Sally!" He came slowly after her; but his pursuit was not the oldvigorous insistence for which she longed. He wanted Sally--not a baby,not a difficulty. He would shirk anything but the fulfilment of hispassion. Instantly, she felt that he never would have married her if thetime had come.
"No!" It was a harsh cry. "Don't touch me. Go on, push off.... I'm donewith you." She walked more rapidly. She was only a little way now fromthe house, a hatless, disconsolate figure, oppressed and rigid.
"Sally." But he was still slow to follow. Sally cracked her fingers. Shewas finished with him. Her heart and her feet alike were leaden. She wastoo far gone for tears or sobs. It was not anguish that she felt; butbitterness so great that she could only hate Toby. She had loved him somuch! And this was the end of him. She felt her love killed at a blow,and she was without resource.
Suddenly strong fingers were upon Sally's shoulder. In other days shewould have been dominated. Not so now. She wrenched herself free, andwalked on. There was no attempt to run. She was finished ... finished.Some further sound she heard; but it was unintelligible. Toby, presentedwith a real problem which a man who loved her would have solved, hadbeen proved a doubting coward. She felt wronged, deceived. She hadalways expected violence from him, but she had always expected him toknow that she truly loved him, whatever her actions might seem otherwiseto suggest. Realisation of his ignorance destroyed her. Even at the gateSally might still have been won; but as she came abreast of it she sawthat the front door was open, and Gaga standing upon the top step.Coldly, she shut the gate; and walked resolutely up the steps. Toby wasleft dodging out of the circle of light, a pitiful conspirator. Gaga wassilhouetted, a long lean figure, against the light of the hall. Hepeered down into the darkness.
"Sally, is that you?" he exclaimed. "I was quite anxious."
"Were you?" It was listless, scornful.
As she passed him, Gaga gazed still into the darkness.
"Is that somebody with you?" he asked. "It looks...."
Sally went into the house, and as he followed her she closed the frontdoor quietly. It was strange to come from the black chilliness of thestreet into this new solid warmth and comfort. In the hall they facedone another. For once Sally was as grey as he--as grey and trembling.
"I thought.... I thought it was a man," said Gaga.
"Oh, did you?" Sally slipped off her coat, and threw it upon a chair.She was listening intently.
"Wasn't it?" Gaga did not touch her. He looked down with a startledexpression. "It looked like a man out there.... Wasn't it?"
"You'd better go out and see," advised Sally, with snapping teeth. "Thenyou'll be sure." As a fury possessed her, she turned upon him like a catat bay, all her teeth showing. "Funny if you were spying on me withoutany reason, wouldn't it be!"
She was so reckless that she did not measure consequences. She was in nomood to be cautious or considerate. Leaving him there Sally went intothe dining-room, and when Gaga entered upon her heels she went out ofthe room again and slowly up the stairs.
xvii
But all the time, although she seemed to ignore him, Sally with a partof her consciousness was listening and watching. She dreaded to hear thegroan of the gate upon its rusted hinges, the noise of a knock, or thegentle sound which the front door would make if Gaga accepted herchallenge. Her heart was almost silent as she waited, and then, as theminutes passed without interruption, her relaxation was half relief andhalf disappointment. Something within her had craved this crisis whichhad not arrived. Some sensual longing for violence was frustrate. Sallywas alone with Gaga, and Gaga, humble and obedient, was in her track,coming slowly and affectionately after her. As she saw from the landingthe top of his dark, grey-streaked head she almost screamed with fury.It was in that moment that aversion for him rose in a tumult from herheart. She hated Toby, but for his base cruelty alone. She hated Gagafor his inescapable possessiveness and gentle persecution. It was ahorror to Sally in her abnormal condition. She began to run up the nextflight of stairs, and tripped upon her skirt. The stumble brought somelittle sense to her. She rose, holding the balustrade. Shot through andthrough with bitterness as she was, she yet clutched at sanity. WhenGaga came abreast of her Sally took his arm; and they completed thejourney together.
"Sorry I was beastly," she said, with a little pinch of the arm. "Gotthe jumps."
"I know.... I know," whispered Gaga. "We'll go away. We'll go very ...very soon."
"Now?" Sally demanded. "To-morrow? Could we go to-morrow?"
"Well ... well, perhaps not ... to-morrow. The day after?" He washesitant, and did not oppose her. Sally's lip curled. What a man! Yes... yes ... yes; but the baby! She was again desperately shaken.
"Why not to-morrow?" she cried, almost spitefully. "Why hang about?"
Gaga wavered. He began to kiss her. His hands, holding hers, wereclammy. She had a glimpse of the black space under his eyes, and theswollen yellowness of the whites of his eyes, and his grey cheeks, solined and creased, and the dreadful salmon colour of his dry lips. Inhis arms though she was, Sally shuddered violently, aversion recurringwith such strength that she could not control her repugnance. This washer husband--her _husband_. Her eyes were strained away from him.
"You're cold," Gaga murmured. "Poor little girl.... You're ... you'recold."
"Yes, I'm cold," agreed Sally, with a violent effort for grimself-repression. "That's what's the matter with me. I stayed out toolong. I oughtn't to have gone out this evening." She again laughedslightly, her laugh so sneering that even Gaga looked up as though hehad been startled.
"We'll go to bed early," he said. "It's cold to-night. Let's havesomething hot, and go to bed. We can't have ... have you falling ill.It's nursing me that's made you ... queer."
"Yes, it's all my nursing." Sally spoke in a dry voice, and when hereleased her she went over to the fire without heeding Gaga, and lookeddown at its brightness. Still her ears were alert to catch some violencebelow; and as there was none her heart sank once more. Toby was gone.She had dismissed him and he had gone. She was more forlornly alone thanever. If Gaga had not been with her she must have sought relief in somephysical effort, some vehement thumping of the mantelpiece and a burstinto wild crying. The repression which Sally was forced to exercisetortured her. The agony she suffered was almost unbearable. Her mouthwas stretched in a horrible grimace, so poignant was her feeling.
"I.... I'd like something hot," Gaga proceeded, in innocence. "Some ...some cocoa ... or...."
"I'll get you some." It was with passionate exasperation that Sallyspoke; but she was thankful to know that she might leave him for a fewmin