DYING TO SURVIVE (Dark Erotica) by Scott Hildreth
As he slowly surveyed all of the flowers, one rose stood out as exceptional. Perfect. Symmetrical.
Blood red.
Ryan reached out and carefully plucked the rose from the bush. Slowly, Ryan raised the rose to his nose, closed his eyes, and inhaled. As he opened his eyes, he turned and looked down at his watch.
And he smiled.
CHAPTER TWENTY - THREE
REMEMBER ME?
TWENTY-THREE. The music played quietly as Meghan sat and sipped her coffee. Without thinking, she tapped her fingers on the top of the table to the beat of the music. After unsuccessfully attempting to identify the artist, she gave up and looked down at the magazine she was reading.
“It isn’t every day that you hear Heartless Bastards playing in a public place. Is this seat taken?” Ryan asked as he stepped beside the table where Meghan was seated.
“It. It’s uhmm. It’s free. It’s open,” Meghan stammered as she closed her magazine.
“I want to apologize again, and ask if you’d like to talk. If not, I understand. This is a small city, and we’ll certainly encounter one another from time-to-time, but I don’t want to cross any…” Ryan had not finished his thought before Meghan interrupted him.
“I’d love to,” Meghan blurted as she shifted in her seat.
“Well, alright. I have a lot of things to say, and several to ask, Meghan. I saw you seated here as I ordered my coffee and I figured I’d see if you’d like to talk,” Ryan lied as he crossed his legs and leaned back into his seat.
Ryan had watched Meghan for almost a month prior to abducting her. This coffee shop was a place that she frequented while her daughter was at school. As today was the next to the last day of school, Ryan assumed Meghan may be having a cup of morning coffee. Pleased when he noticed her SUV in the parking lot, Ryan decided to come inside and act as if their meeting was happenstance.
“Well, first and foremost, I am sorry for how things unfolded,” Ryan paused and looked toward the coffee bar.
“Let’s get past that. Truthfully, I’d really rather just forget it. Tragedy. I’m so tired of the tragedy. I believe everything happens for a reason,” Meghan sighed as she dropped the magazine into the container that sat beside her seat.
Ryan rubbed his chin and studied Meghan for a moment. Uncertain if his opinion of her changed for the right reason, he struggled with how he now felt. This was the first time they had spoken since he released her, and as he watched her and listened to her speak, he realized that he was attracted to her. The attraction made him feel uneasy. He raised his left leg, crossed it over his right knee, and placed his hands in his lap.
“Do you truly believe you’ll be able to set it aside and move on, Meghan?” Ryan asked.
Meghan shrugged her shoulders and raised her eyebrows comically. After she lowered her shoulders, she felt guilty for making light of the situation, not knowing how Ryan truly felt about what had happened.
“My drink is ready, do you want anything?” Ryan asked as he noticed his drink being placed on the bar.
“No thank you,” Meghan responded.
Nervous, Meghan shifted in her seat. Without thinking, she raised her hands to her head and raked her fingers through her hair. As her fingers cleared her hair she shook her head, allowing it to fall onto her shoulders. As she rubbed the sweat from her palms and considered walking to the bathroom, Ryan pulled the seat away from the table and sat down.
“So, you believe everything happens for a reason?” Ryan asked over the top of his cup as he took a drink of his beverage.
“I do,” Meghan responded, watching Ryan’s movements intently.
Meghan watched Ryan’s hands as he gripped his cup of coffee, intrigued by his use of hand gestures as he spoke. She felt nervous sitting across the table from him – the kind of nervous she felt in middle school when one of her girlfriends would tell her that a boy liked her. As Ryan placed his cup on the table and raised his hand to his face, Meghan smiled.
“I’ll be candid, Meghan. I have become frustrated with life,” Ryan tapped his index finger on his upper lip and gazed far beyond Meghan as he spoke.
“What can I do to help?” Meghan sighed.
“Well, I am not certain. I have spent my adult life measuring my success by earning money and hoarding it, so to speak. Something happened during all of that,” Ryan paused, still focused on the wall behind Meghan, uncertain of what to say regarding the events that tied him and Meghan together.
“Things seem so different now. I have other concerns. I want to proceed with life. Move on. Maybe I just want to feel clean. I don’t know. I know this, I need a change,” Ryan looked down from his point of focus, slid his hand to his chin, and studied Meghan’s face.
Meghan examined Ryan’s posture, and admired his handsome looks. As he reached for his coffee, she watched his hand and smiled. As she looked back up at his face, she opened her mouth to speak and mentally struggled with her choice of subjects.
“Do you think about it?” Meghan asked without truly considering what she had asked.
“It’s all I think about. I am incapable of stopping. I fill my days with events and try refrain from thinking all together. And you?” Ryan responded.
“From time to time I think about it. I don’t know, it’s probably not as bad as it could be. I try to convince myself it never happened,” Meghan paused as she admired Ryan’s choice of clothing.
“I wish we had met under different circumstances, I suppose. Oh, and do you always dress like this?” Meghan chuckled as she motioned toward Ryan with her open hand.
“The circumstances we met under. They prevent us from having anything normal between us, don’t they? And yes, as a matter of fact, I always dress like this,” Ryan awkwardly motioned toward his waist with his hands as he spoke.
Ryan had no expectation of having anything develop with Meghan, but he had hope. Desperately, now more than ever, Ryan wanted to attempt to live a normal life. His mind filled with events and emotion that he didn’t care to think about, he waited for Meghan to respond. Nervously, he uncrossed his legs, and crossed the right leg over his left knee.
“Actually no they don’t. I have no idea why I feel this way, and I have hoped you or someone could enlighten me. I don’t look at what happened as preventing me from anything with you. I imagine you’re going to tell me what’s wrong with me or why I should think differently, but I don’t,” Meghan raised her hands and shrugged her shoulders, waiting for Ryan to give her a diagnosis in supporting her feelings of desire toward him.
Ryan uncrossed his legs and sat forward in his chair, placing his hands on his knees. Excitedly, he began to speak.
“So, let me get this straight,” Ryan paused and rubber his hands on his thighs.
“You have zero concern regarding seeing me, talking to me, or attempting to potentially develop further depth to a relationship?”
“I’m not sure what you just asked me, but I’ll answer with what I feel. I would hang out with you and see what happened. Nothing that has occurred in the past would prevent us from proceeding with anything. I’m attracted to your personality and I find you extremely attractive,” Meghan brushed her hair from her face and over her ear as she spoke.
Ryan sat back in his chair and crossed his left leg over his right knee. He studied Meghan’s face, admiring her facial features and clear skin. As he watched her he began to consider all of the reasons he shouldn’t consider attempting any form of relationship with Meghan. In coming to meet her, it wasn’t his intent to attempt to develop a relationship, but to find a means of convincing himself that what happened wasn’t as bad as it seemed to be. Potentially using Meghan as a manner of resolve.
Ryan leaned forward and grabbed his beverage from the table. As his hand formed around the cup, he realized the temperature had dropped considerably. Concerned with the passage of time, instinctively, he looked at his watch.
“Do you need to leave?” Meghan asked as Ryan looked at his watch
“Oh, not for an hour and a half,” Meghan stated as she looked at the clock on the wall behind Ryan.
The thought of developing anything with Meghan began to interest Ryan greatly.
“I see, well let’s continue this by all means,” Ryan said.
“I have a question I have been meaning to ask. I found you on that dating site, Plenty of Fish. How can someone of your intelligence, striking good looks, and magnetic personality be single? You certainly have hundreds of potential dates from the sight, do you not?” Ryan asked.
Meghan sat forward in her seat, eager to offer her answer to Ryan. The thought of something between her and Ryan becoming real began to fill her. She had no understanding for why she felt the way she felt about him, but she didn’t care to. Concerned more with how she felt, and not why she felt the way she did, she offered her explanation.
“Well, I started that about two months ago. I decided I would try and whittle the potential partners down to a select few, and when Amanda started school next year, I would go on a few dates. My desires for a partner are, well,” Meghan paused, feeling a little uncomfortable with what she wanted to say.
“Your desires are?” Ryan rubbed his palms on his knees and anxiously waited for Meghan’s response.
Meghan considered telling Ryan the truth. She and her husband had divorced for several reasons, the primary being Meghan’s sexual desires. Her former husband could say whatever he preferred to say about having a family, but Meghan knew how things changed after she made her desires clear. She considered telling Ryan, and considered lying. Ultimately, she hoped he would understand her desires.
“I prefer things sexually that are not normal,” Feeling embarrassed, Meghan stared at Ryan’s feet as she spoke.
Ryan pressed his palms into his pants, attempting to dry his now uncomfortably wet hands. As he wiped his hands, he mouth formed a smile. He had yet to be with a woman sexually, and to his best recollection, had expressed this fact to Meghan. His desires, his fantasies, his hope and his want would be to have a woman who had sexual desires that were borderline BDSM. The thought of sex that included bondage and light torture was very satisfying to him.
Ryan leaned into his chair, raising the front legs from the floor, and rocked the chair onto the rear legs. As the chair balanced, he smiled. His exposure to people included his mother and Ami, for the most part. There were several familiar faces throughout the city, but included primarily people he encountered at the car dealership, grocery store, and other establishments that he frequented. Having a conversation like this, to Ryan, was a tremendous pleasure. He decided to lure Meghan into a more detailed response.
“Continue, please. Be more definitive. My sexual fantasies borderline criminal behavior,” Ryan chuckled.
Immediately, Meghan felt relief. The relief was followed by desire and arousal. As she felt herself become sexually stimulated, she adjusted herself in her seat. As she moved, she became more aroused. The thought of Ryan being sexually attracted to her wants and desires formed a smile on her face. Attempting to hide her satisfaction, she lightly covered her mouth with her hand.
“Well. I was married. I expressed my desires to my husband and within a year or so, we were divorced. There were other things that I am sure contributed, and maybe it’s just some weird guilt I feel, but I believe that he divorced me because he thought I was weird. Well, weird sexually,” Meghan said, rubbing her mouth with her hand as she spoke.
“You didn’t answer the question,” Ryan said flatly.
Meghan wiggled in her seat, looked up at the clock, and realized she had one more hour to spare. Again, she considered telling Ryan her wildest desire. As she changed her focus from the clock to Ryan, she noticed his relaxed posture and slight smile. Her thoughts became more sexual oriented and detailed. She began to fantasize about Ryan sexually, and wanted to tell him what her thoughts included. After all, he had asked for her to respond and be truthful. She sat up in her seat, leaned forward, and cupped her hand beside her mouth. As Meghan leaned forward, Ryan lowered his chair to the floor.
“I want to be tied up, maybe handcuffed. Tied up and talked dirty to. Blindfolded, that kind of stuff,” Meghan whispered.
“During the course of sex, or just in general?” Ryan asked, intrigued.
Feeling more comfortable at Ryan’s lack of rejection, Meghan cupped both hands over her mouth, leaned closer to Ryan, and continued.
“Oh, no. Sexually, I want tied up, blindfolded, slapped around, and rough sex. Really rough sex. I don’t know how rough, because I’ve never been there. But my fantasy is pretty brutal. I suppose if it ever happened I would know fairly quickly,” Meghan breathed.
Ryan sat, listened, and considered Meghan’s statement. His knowledge regarding the human mind, his training in psychology, and his understanding of people allowed him to understand that some, if not all of Meghan’s desires, came from her abuse as a child at the hand of her uncle. Additionally, he knew that his desire to be controlling came from his abuse at the hand of his father. Ryan quickly realized he and Meghan’s sexual longings would be well suited for one another.
“Well, it makes perfect sense, psychologically speaking. Considering your past, it’s not abnormal, and in fact, it’s quite healthy,” Ryan said rather clinically.
Meghan sat back in her seat and sighed. Her mouth formed a slow smile. She chuckled at the fact that she felt no guilt regarding her thoughts, and decided to reveal her slight pleasure.
“My uncle. They found him dead. Suicide. I hate to say it, but I have never felt better. I have no idea how I should feel, but I felt immediate relief. Like this huge weight I had carried my entire life was lifted from my chest,” Meghan sighed, relieved for having spoken how she felt to someone.
Ryan attempted to look surprised. He wondered after killing her uncle how she would digest it. In time, if the bodies were found in the pond, her uncle would be believed to be guilty for the murders of Shellie and Elena. Meghan, however, would then know that Ryan was, at minimum, a participant in setting her uncle up on that portion of the crime. Momentarily, he considered the option of attempting to remove the bodies from the pond, and dismissed it as not being possible.
“I am truly sorry for your loss, Meghan. Well, to as much of a degree is possible. The relief you feel is normal. It’s closure. The feelings that you feel, from a professional standpoint, is quite healthy. You’re beginning to heal subconsciously. You see him as being punished for the act, and you feel satisfied,” Ryan said as he locked the fingers of his hands together and raised them to his face.
“Well,” Meghan rotated her head from side to side and looked around her.
“I kind of feel a guilty pleasure about it. I smiled when I heard,” she whispered.
Ryan began to think of his father and the hatred he felt regarding what he had done to him as a child. Ryan was aware of all of his own shortcomings as an adult, and attributed all of his faults and idiosyncrasies to his father. Right or wrong, Ryan blamed his father for each and every concern he had with himself as an adult. As he sat and thought, he began to become uncomfortable. He rotated his right hand, looked at his index finger, and his hatred mounted.
“I often think of my father, and what relief I would feel if he died. Most victims of child abuse feel a tremendous relief when their abuser dies. Confrontation and death are the two largest means of the victim feeling closure. I try desperately not to hate, Meghan, but I will confide in you. I hate that man for what he did,” Ryan said as he leaned forward and picked his coffee cup from the table.
Meghan though of the lifetime she had spent feeling uneasy about her uncle. Her guilt, shame, concerns with exposure, and her desire for him to be punished. She considered how she felt now, and wished that Ryan could feel the same relief. For a fleeting moment, she considered what may change in Rya
Meghan glanced up at the clock, startled at the amount of time that had passed.
“This is so strange. We’ve been sitting here for an hour and a half talking like we’re old friends. Again, call me weird, but I like it. I’m going to have to go, I need to be at the school in just a little bit,” Meghan said as she looked down from the clock, and immediately back up again, once again confirming the time.
“So…” Ryan began to stand as he spoke.
Meghan did not feel threatened by Ryan in the least; and in fact, felt an odd comfort around him. Excited about he thought of Ryan becoming interested in her, their sexual interests being similar, and potentially having some sort of a sexual relationship with Ryan, Meghan interrupted Ryan as he spoke.
“Well, I’m thinking. I want to pick up Amanda, take her to my mother’s for the afternoon, and see you. What do you think about that? Is that possible?” Meghan asked excitedly as she stood from her chair.
“Certainly,” Ryan said, smiling.
Let me give you my phone number,” Ryan looked down at the table and back up at Meghan.
“And I’ll clean up this mess,” Ryan said.
And as he gave Meghan his phone number, he began to consider if he could truly clean up the potential mess that could be made of the bodies that were at the bottom of her uncle’s pond. As he watched Meghan walk to the door he wondered if it even mattered.
And he smiled.
CHAPTER TWENTY - FOUR
UNLEASHING THE BEAST.
TWENTY- FOUR. Nervously, Ryan pulled his car into the driveway and turned off the engine. He leaned over and removed the single rose from the cup of water that he obtained from the coffee shop. As he reached for the door handle, he drew a slow breath through his nose. He then opened the door, stepped from the car, looked up the sidewalk toward the porch, and exhaled.