Dare to Fall by Estelle Maskame
I stare down at him, studying him. He looks mentally drained, but I am not surprised. He has been carrying this burden on his shoulders for over a year now, and the weight of it has only gotten heavier. He is never going to be able to let this go until he tells the truth. Not to me, not to Will, but to the Hunters. It is the only way. After a minute of silence, I state, “We are going over there.”
Holden’s eyes widen. “What?”
“You are going to tell Jaden and Dani the truth,” I tell him. My voice is firm and I am determined to make this right again. I’ve let Jaden down before, and I can’t bear the thought that I may have just done it again. He might not forgive me twice, so I need to talk to him as soon as possible. I need to explain myself, and so does Holden. “They deserve to know exactly what happened, and they need to hear it from you. So get up,” I say, pushing myself up off the bed and onto my feet, “because you have to do this, and you have to do it now.”
“Kenzie, I can’t!”
“Holden! Please!” I yell in exasperation, my voice pleading.
“Holden . . . ” Will says quietly with a croak in his voice. “Kenzie’s right, so listen to her. If you’ve done this—”
“Shut up!” Holden snaps. “I know! Okay? You think I don’t? You think I don’t know that? Because I do! I’ve had to live with this for over a year!” His voice is raised and he splutters his words, and in all of the years that I have known Holden, I have never seen him like this. So vulnerable and unsure of himself, so weak and so terrified. “Do you know what it’s like? Can you imagine what it feels like to see them every day? How hard it is when you ask me to be around them constantly? I can barely look them in the eye. It’s soul-destroying, Kenzie . . . And I regret it. I regret it so much. But that doesn’t make anything better, it just makes it worse! Everything has turned to shit since that night—the football, my grades. I can’t think straight . . . I can’t sleep—”
“Holden.”
“All because I did fall asleep for two seconds!”
“Holden,” I say again, louder. He stops. “It’s going to be okay.”
Throwing his head back, he blows out a long breath of air and stares up at the ceiling, rubbing his hands over his face. In the silence that forms, Will looks up at me from the edge of the bed, and as we exchange an uncertain, hopeless glance. I know that he too wants Holden to do the right thing. When it comes to a matter this huge, this important, being best friends isn’t enough. We want to help him, but we can’t protect him.
“We get it,” Will says quietly, though Holden is still staring up at the ceiling. “I’m freaking out just thinking about all of this, so I have no idea what it’s like for you, but . . . but c’mon, Holden.” Will sighs heavily and places his hand on Holden’s shoulder. “You have to talk to the Hunters. You don’t really have a choice right now.”
“No!” Holden recoils, pushing himself up onto his feet, nostrils flaring. “It’s not just an accident anymore. What if it’s homicide? Or . . . or manslaughter? Do you know what that means when they turn me in? Jail! For years!” he yells, tears now falling down his cheeks. He strides past me to the window, leaning outside to inhale the fresh air. His back is to us, but we can see he is breathing so heavily that his shoulders are heaving up and down. “You guys know my parents wouldn’t be able to afford a good lawyer, so goodbye football, goodbye college, goodbye future, goodbye to fucking me! I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s going to ruin my life!”
Neither Will nor I can respond. Words choke in my throat. Holden is right: This is bigger than all of us now. The secret is out, and it had to come out, but it has suddenly changed everything, and now I’m not sure if it can ever go back to normal.
“Holden,” I say finally, lowering my voice. “Look . . . no one is turning you in,” I reassure him, though I don’t know for certain. I don’t know what is going through Jaden and Dani’s heads right now. I don’t know what they’re planning to do about all of this, and I’m trying not to think about how ugly this could all get. “We’re here for you. But right now, the first thing you have to do is just talk to Jaden and Dani, because if you don’t . . . ” I pause for a second, my eyes fixated on the beads of sweat around the nape of Holden’s neck. “If you don’t do this, then I don’t know if I can ever look at you the same,” I say finally. “You have to make this right.”
Holden lowers his head. He is still leaning out of the window, his breathing is still heavy, and there is silence again. “Kenzie,” he murmurs, his voice feeble. He glances over his shoulder at me and his dark eyes are heavy and sunken into his face. “Go and talk to Jaden. I am not coming with you.”
What? I shake my head at him in disbelief, entirely stunned. I thought I knew Holden. I thought he would do this, not for me, but for himself. I was wrong. He isn’t going to. He isn’t going to talk to the Hunters. He isn’t going to face up to what he has done. Desperately, I look back over to Will again, praying that he can do something, anything.
“Just go,” he mouths to me, holding his hands up in defeat. There is nothing either of us can do or say to make Holden change his mind right now, and I can’t stand here and waste my time arguing with him over it. Holden may not want to talk to Jaden, but I still need to, and soon.
I give Will a single nod and leave the room in silence, grabbing my things on the way out. My frustration burns the back of my throat, and I don’t realize I’ve been fighting back tears until I stop for a second to look back at Holden. He is still by the window, paralyzed and unrecognizable. I am clinging on to a tiny fraction of hope that he may just turn around and finally agree to come with me, to tell Jaden and Danielle Hunter the truth about what really happened to their parents last August.
But he doesn’t.
34
I am hunched over the steering wheel, my hands gripping the wheel tightly as I make the drive from Will’s place over to Jaden’s grandparents’ house. I am so focused on the road that I barely blink as I mentally repeat exactly what I am going to say to Jaden when I see him. If I see him. Maybe he will refuse to hear me out. Maybe, after letting him down again, he has had enough of me. But I have to try, so I am driving over the speed limit as my heart thumps erratically.
It’s just after 8:30AM, and at this time on a Sunday the roads are quiet. Luckily, Mom has let me keep her car the entire weekend. Not for my sake, but for her own. Her reasoning is that if she has no access to a car, then she has no access to the shelves of wine at the grocery store.
The short drive to Jaden’s grandparents’ place feels eternal, mostly because I am filled with nothing but nervous anticipation, but as soon as I pull up outside the house my shoulders sink. The driveway is empty. The car is gone and so is Brad’s boat.
I park and switch off the engine. There are so many things going on in my head right now that my steps are off balance as I force myself over to the porch. First, I need to apologize to Jaden. And I need to explain myself to him. And I need to tell him the truth since Holden won’t. Please be here, I’m praying. Please listen to me. Please forgive me.
The breeze blows stray strands of hair across my face as I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell. I stand back with bated breath, waiting. Now that I am standing here, I realize I have no idea what to expect on the other side. Maybe I should keep my distance at first. Maybe it’s selfish that I’m even here. They will need time to process everything.
A minute has passed and no one has answered, so I turn around, a sinking feeling in my stomach, and am about to run back to the car when I hear the front door unlock. I freeze.
“Kenzie!” Nancy says as she swings open the door. She blinks at me for a second, but then a beaming grin spreads across her rosy features and her face lights up. “What a surprise to see you here!”
I am taken aback by the fact that anyone has even answered, and I’m so surprised by her reaction that I can’t even so much as attempt to smile back at her. Instead, all I can do is bluntly tell her, “I came to see Ja
“Ah, no, he’s at the lake with Danielle,” she says. She leans forward into the porch and nods over my shoulder to the empty spot in the corner of the driveway where Brad’s boat usually sits. “They’ve taken the boat out. They’ve been gone for a while now, so they shouldn’t be too much longer. Would you like to come in and wait? Or maybe you could meet him over there?”
“That’s okay. I’ll try and find him. It’s kind of urgent.” The lake. I fumble with the car keys in my hands as I turn around, my heart racing even faster. With each second that passes, the more desperate I am to get to Jaden. But then I realize . . . Nancy is smiling. Why is she smiling? Slowly, I stop on the porch steps and look back around at her. “Are . . . are you okay, Nancy?”
“Yes. Why?” She widens her eyes and presses a hand over her chest, tilting her head thoughtfully. “Oh dear. Do I look ill? I have been feeling a little more flushed lately.”
“No . . . no. It’s okay.” She doesn’t know. Jaden and Dani must not have told them. I am filled with the most overwhelming sense of relief. At least Nancy and Terry don’t have their hearts broken right now. Jaden and Dani, however, do. Nancy studies me, looking a little puzzled, but I can’t be the one to tell her, to explain all of this, so I do nothing but turn away again.
I rush back down the driveway and climb into Mom’s car. I start up the engine again and pull on my seatbelt, but I don’t set off immediately. Instead, I grab my phone from the center console and pull up my texts with Will.
Going to the lake to find Jaden and Dani. Tell Holden he has one last chance, and if he wants to take it, tell him to get over there too.
And, unsurprisingly from Will, he replies almost immediately. The text reads:
I’ll try.
The morning is dull and the sky is full of clouds, though there is a sliver of sunshine peeking through. I keep my eye on it as I drive, taking it as a sign that everything is going to be okay. Jaden will forgive me. He’ll believe me. He has to, because he’s already given me a second chance, and I refuse to waste it. Not now, not after everything.
I drive past the small 7-Eleven where Jaden and I first bumped into each other again all those weeks ago, and I feel another stab of hope. A lot has changed since then, things I never imagined would change. Something happened that night. Something was kick-started between Jaden and me again, and every day since then all I have thought about is him. I just never imagined that it would end up like this. I keep breathing deeply, and then head toward the small parking lot right by the lake.
As soon as I arrive, I spot Brad’s boat hooked up to the back of the Corolla, on the loading ramp. My chest constricts when I spot Dani in the car, her arm slung over the wheel and her neck craned as she stares out of the back windshield. It tightens even more when I find Jaden. He’s back behind the car, fumbling around with the boat’s trailer, ensuring everything is secure, his head down. Neither of them spot me, but it appears I’ve found them just in time. They will be leaving any minute now, so I pull over into the first empty spot I can find.
I’m not going to overthink this. I’m not going to waste a single second. Grabbing the keys, I step out into the cool, fresh morning air. It’s not cold. At least I don’t think it is. I can’t tell. I feel too heated, my cheeks too warm. I try to remember the words I’d planned out as I stride across the concrete toward Jaden. This isn’t going to be easy, but it’s something I have to do.
I come to a halt a few feet away from the loading ramp. Now that I’m actually here I don’t know how to begin, but thankfully I don’t have to say anything at all, because Jaden catches sight of me. He doesn’t move or react, just stands there with an expression of mild surprise. His cool blue eyes bore into mine, and I wait, aching for him to do or say something.
“Kenzie,” he sighs, finally. I don’t like that he seems surprised to see me here—I don’t like the thought that he didn’t think I would try to fix this.
“Can we talk?” I say.
Jaden looks me up and down, studying me thoroughly. Like Holden earlier this morning, he too appears tired. I doubt he got much sleep last night, if at all. His hair is flat and ruffled, and he’s wearing an old pair of faded black jeans and the same black hoodie he wore that night at 7-Eleven. Finally, he gives me a single clipped nod and then reaches for the passenger door of the car. “Dani,” he says, “take the boat home. Go.”
But Dani stares at me through the glass, her expression just as blank as Jaden’s. I see a flash of the old Dani, of the Dani from weeks ago, not the happier Dani who’s been around recently, the one who has been smiling more often. It’s exactly what I was afraid of. I knew this news would crush the Hunters all over again. I knew this would send them straight back to square one. I knew this would bring back all of the grief they had been fighting their way through.
“I’m sorry,” I mouth to her, but she shakes her head at me, slowly and with disappointment in her eyes. She has lost all of the trust she had for me, and she glances away, revving the car engine as she tows her father’s boat out of the water. I stare after her as she disappears down the street, trying to imagine the turmoil that is going on inside her head right now, and only when the car and the boat are completely out of sight do I look back to Jaden.
His eyes are still on me, his hands stuffed into the front pockets of his jeans. He releases a slow sigh and then turns away. He kicks at the ground as he walks, heading over to the empty picnic tables. Slowly, I follow him over, and I slide onto the bench opposite him, the table separating us.
We are both silent, but I can hear the soft roll of the water and the quiet whistle of the breeze. There are families over at the playground. Boats on the water. Kids further along on the sand. But they all feel so far away. Right now, all I can focus on is Jaden. He is upset, and he is angry. It is written in his eyes. Right now, I can’t blame him.
“Jaden . . . ” I say. I don’t know where to begin, so I stare at the wooden table. The green paint is chipped and fading. “How are you feeling?”
“How do you think I’m feeling, Kenzie?”
I glance back up at him. I already knew he wasn’t going to be okay, but to actually see the sadness in his blue eyes hurts me more than I thought it would.
“First, we find out that everything we thought we knew was actually far from the truth, and then we find out that you knew and yet you didn’t say anything.” He exhales and angles his face to the side, his eyes fixated on the water. “It’s been a long night, and I still don’t actually know what happened last year. Where is Holden?” He looks back at me, his jaw clenched. I hate seeing Jaden angry, but he has every right to be. “Because he has some explaining to do.”
“I’m really sorry, but he isn’t going to talk to you,” I admit. Fuck you, Holden, I’m thinking. He should be here right now, sitting next to me, looking Jaden straight in the eye. “I begged him to come with me, but he just . . . He’s scared.”
“Are you kidding me?” Jaden’s eyes go wide with rage. “He’s a fucking coward, then. How can he . . . How can he have lied to us for so long?” He shakes his head fast, glancing up at the dull sky. The muscle in his jaw twitches. “I just need to know what happened. What really happened. He fell asleep . . . Is that true?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. This is what I didn’t want to do—I didn’t want to have to tell Jaden what happened on Holden’s behalf. Even thinking about it makes me feel sick. “You guys had football camp that week,” I begin, my voice trembling. “And football is everything to Holden. You know how desperately he needs a scholarship. He’d been working himself to the bone and he was stressed out about it. He went for a drive later that night to clear his head. I think. God, I can’t remember now.” I press my hand to my temple and try to think about everything Holden told me that night in my back yard. It feels like so long ago, and there was so much to process that even now I still haven’t absorbed it all. “He was exhausted and he shouldn’t have gone out. He . . . h
Jaden presses his hand over his mouth and lowers his head. “Why didn’t he come forward?” he mumbles under his breath after a moment. “How the hell has he managed to look at me during practice? During games?”
“Because he hid behind me,” I tell him. “I think he was glad that I was staying away from you, because he got to use my fear of being around you guys as his excuse too. That’s why, when we started hanging out again, he panicked, because he didn’t have an excuse anymore. That’s why he had to tell me. He no longer had anywhere to hide.”
“How long have you known?” Jaden glances up at me, his piercing blue eyes fixing me with a pained look. I know how hard all of this must be to hear, but he is holding up. “When did he tell you?”
“Monday night.”
“Why . . . why didn’t you tell me, Kenz?” he asks, and his voice cracks. I have let him down. I know it now. The hurt and disappointment is etched into his face as he waits for an answer.
“I was going to, Jaden,” I splutter quickly, reaching across the table to grasp his hands in mine. His skin is cold and he doesn’t pull his hands away, so I squeeze them gently. “I was trying to, but I . . . I didn’t know how or where or when. How was I supposed to tell you something like that? I didn’t want to hurt you all over again, and so I was waiting for the right time. It just . . . didn’t come.” Suddenly, I think about Nancy again. I think about the wide, sparkling grin on her face when she opened the door before. She wasn’t upset, because she doesn’t know. “Why haven’t you told your grandparents yet?”