Darkest Before Dawn by Maya Banks
“Whatever it is, Honor, we’re behind you. We’ll get through it together. Don’t worry. You’re home now and you’re never going to be away from us again.”
Honor leaned into her sister, surprising her with her need for comfort. Honor had been distant with all her family, only giving them the affection they seemed to need but never seeking it out for herself.
Mandie hugged her tightly, meeting her mother’s worried gaze in the rearview mirror. Cynthia, always a careful driver, broke every traffic law in her bid to get her daughter home as quickly as possible.
Her father and brothers would be waiting. While Cynthia had banned them from going, they’d been firm when they said they’d all be there when she returned. How could she face them with what she had to tell them? What she’d never told them. Now, they would have to know every shameful aspect of her ordeal.
They pulled into the drive and Honor quickly extricated herself from her sister’s fierce hold and hurried inside. As she’d known, her father and brothers were in the living room, doing little to disguise their impatience and worry.
Mandie and her mother came in behind her, and her father and brothers looked expectantly at her. It was simply too much.
She burst into tears, to the horror of her brothers, especially Brad, and then she rushed by them, yanking open the door to the back deck. She fell back into the swing she’d always found comfort in growing up, and the tears flowed.
“What the hell is wrong, Cynthia?” Mike demanded, his gaze even now staring in the direction of where Honor had disappeared.
“I don’t know,” Cynthia said in frustration. “She didn’t say anything. She looked like a ghost when she came back into the waiting room, and when I asked her what was wrong, she said, ‘Not here.’ She begged me not to talk about it there. She said she’d tell us when we got home.”
“Let me go talk to her,” Brad said in a low voice.
Brad had always had a close relationship with his youngest sister. He’d known from a very young age that she was special. Different. Tenderhearted and good. Never having a bad thing to say about anyone, and she would do anything for anyone in need.
He’d been the strongest objector to her going to the Middle East, but he’d also understood her drive. But he hadn’t wanted her there. He wanted her here where he could protect her. Where no harm could come to her. And the very thing he’d feared the worst had come to pass.
But she was alive. She was their miracle. But now she was hurting and had retreated even from her family when she’d never been anything but honest and open. Whatever was wrong was worse than what she’d already confided in him, and that terrified him. What could possibly be worse than what she’d endured? He faced horrific circumstances in his job as a cop, but he was always able to shake fear’s hold on him. Now? Fear gripped him, paralyzing him. It choked him until he could barely breathe.
Not waiting for anyone to object, he turned and followed Honor’s path to the back porch, and when he stepped out, hearing and seeing her sobbing as if her heart were breaking—had already broken—emotion knotted his throat and he struggled to keep his own tears at bay. Because Honor needed his strength. Now more than ever.
Quietly so as not to startle her, he eased into the swing beside her and tucked her fragile body against his side.
“What’s wrong, baby girl?” he asked in a gentle tone. “You know you can talk to me about anything. Whatever is wrong, we’ll fix it.”
“I can’t fix this,” she said, sorrow thick in her voice. “No one can. I’m pregnant, Brad. Oh God, I’m pregnant.”
He sucked in his breath, his expression stricken at first and then murderous. “You didn’t tell us . . . I mean, you didn’t tell us much at all. Just the pain and torture. You didn’t say you’d been raped.”
Grief simmered in his eyes and he leaned over, pulling her into his arms, holding her and rocking her back and forth, his body trembling with sorrow.
She burrowed into his arms, soaking up his strength and love. Always her big brother and protector.
“I wasn’t raped,” she whispered. “Some tried but the man . . . the man who is the father of my child protected me. He made sure they didn’t rape me. But . . . he betrayed me. I trusted him. He told me he was taking me home, that I would be safe and that he would be with me all the way. But then he drugged me and turned me over to Maksimov and I don’t understand why. Why deceive me? Why make me think he cared? Why seduce me and tell me he would get me back to my family and then drug me? I woke up a prisoner of a man who tried to rape me twice. And then he turned me over to a man who tortured me. Shocked me. Beat me. He wanted to break me, but I was already broken. Hancock did that. No one else.
“Until then I was strong. I refused to give up. I fought, and I wasn’t going down without a fight. But when he betrayed me, I gave up. I no longer had anything to fight for. I didn’t care. I had nothing to live for, and I never wanted my family to see me so weak and shattered.”
“Oh, honey,” her brother said in an aching voice muffled by her hair. “I’m so sorry for all you went through. Are still going through,” he amended. He kissed the top of her head and simply held her for several long moments, allowing silence to descend as her sobbing quieted. He gave the swing a gentle push with his foot every now and again, soothing her. Not pressuring her to say more than she was willing. Just waiting for her to talk to him in her own time. Though secretly he wanted to track down the damn Marine that had returned Honor and grill him about this Hancock guy. In particular, where Brad could find him. And then he wanted to exact some old school justice that would forever ban him from a law enforcement career.
It would be worth it.
He sighed as he stroked her back. “I know this is a shock. And I know you’ve been through the unthinkable. But you have options, honey. If having this baby hurts you, is a constant reminder of pain and betrayal, you can terminate the pregnancy. You can give it up for adoption. You can do whatever is best for you. Do you understand that? For once, think of yourself. There’s no crime in that. Especially with all you’ve endured. No one would blame you. No one would condemn you.”
“No!” she said fiercely. “This child is innocent. This baby did nothing wrong and I refuse to be so selfish as to refuse to have it because it brings back painful memories. This child—my child—deserves life and I won’t give it up. I’ll go away. I don’t want to shame you and the rest of my family. None of you deserve that.”
“The hell you will,” Brad said savagely. “You need your family now more than ever, and if you think for one moment that we will allow you to leave because you don’t want to shame us, then you’re out of your goddamn mind. Never has there been a more courageous, giving woman than you, and I’ll be damned if you bear this alone. Your family will be with you every step of the way. I will be with you every step of the way. Shame us? Never has a family had more reason to be proud of a daughter and sister than we do. And I don’t give a damn what others think or say. I’ll stand behind you and my niece or nephew all the way and fuck anyone who has anything to say about it.”
“Your brother is right,” her father said from behind them.
Honor turned and bowed her head when she realized the entire family had followed Brad to the back porch and had heard every damning word.
“You will not bow your head as though you have something to be ashamed of,” her mother said fiercely. “You were a victim. This is not your fault. This is not your doing. And by God, we will all be with you every step of the way.”
Honor lifted her gaze to see the same determination in every family member’s eyes. And she burst into tears all over again.
Mandie walked forward, taking the only other seat on the other side of Honor so that Honor was sandwiched between her and Brad.
“Will you tell us about it now, Honor? We’ve known that you’ve been holding back. That something hurt you terribly, but you’ve refused to speak of it. You can only go so long before you break.”
<
Brad cupped her chin, forcing her gaze to his. “The hell you are. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. You may be down but you aren’t out. Not by a long shot. And if you’ll let us help you, if you’ll confide in us, we can help you. You can’t keep this bottled up any longer. Lean on us, honey. That’s what family is for. You’d do the same for us and you know it. You’d never accept silence from one of us if you knew we were hurting, and we’re damn sure not going to accept it from you. I believe in you, Honor. Even if you don’t believe in yourself right now.”
She leaned into him, hugging him, wrapping herself completely around him, holding on for dear life. She squeezed her eyes shut as more tears streamed soundlessly down her cheeks. Her muffled “I love you” was returned gruffly by Brad.
And then she told them every single part that she’d left out. About her falling in love with Hancock and his promise, after making love to her, that he’d find another way. That he wouldn’t sacrifice her for the greater good. And that he’d lied and how that, not anything else done to her, had destroyed her.
When she was finished, she was exhausted and nauseated. Her family was furious, their rage evident in their eyes, their expressions and their words.
But they surrounded her with their love and unconditional support. Plans were made. OB visits were divided up so that one of her family would always be there with her. Her father immediately began planning an addition to Honor’s bedroom so the baby would have a nursery but always be close enough that Honor could hear the infant.
Honor’s hands slipped down over her belly to the slight bump there she’d assumed was a result of her gaining back badly needed weight after she had nearly starved herself. According to the doctor, she was right at four months along. How could she not have known until now?
Looking back, all the signs and symptoms were there. Overwhelming fatigue, nausea, tenderness in her breasts and being overly emotional. But after what she’d been through, how could she have thought it could be anything but the fallout from that?
In some strange way, she welcomed the thought of having Hancock’s child. A piece of him that would live on through her. The very best part of them both. And if it was a boy, she would raise his child to be the man Hancock wanted to be but thought he could never be. He would have Hancock’s drive to protect others, and he would have his mother’s strength and courage.
If it was a girl, she’d have the thread of steel that infused Hancock’s will and his determination for justice. And Honor would teach her to never undervalue herself. To follow her heart and her dreams and to never avoid the road less traveled.
She would cherish this child as the gift it was. Her only regret was that Hancock would never know his child and never know that he was capable of loving and protecting and that he would never hurt what belonged to him.
His child was his blood. Honor wasn’t. While he could sacrifice Honor for his mission, she knew that he’d never sacrifice his own flesh and blood.
CHAPTER 44
HONOR’S mother appeared on the back porch, a frown on her face. “There’s a man here to see you. He says it’s important.”
Honor glanced up, trepidation skittering up her spine. But no, she had no reason to fear. Her family was here. Nothing would happen to her.
“Show him back here,” Honor said in a low voice. “And please. Give us privacy until I know what it is he has to say.”
Her mother looked as though she’d argue, but resolve was centered in Honor’s eyes and so, tight-lipped, her mother nodded and disappeared, leaving Honor to wait and worry over her unexpected visitor.
A few moments later, the door opened and for a moment she refused to look up. Then she swallowed, refusing to be the coward she’d been for so long, and she lifted her gaze, shock hitting her like a bolt of lightning.
“Conrad?”
He nodded grimly.
“We will be just inside,” her mother said, more to Conrad than to Honor. It was a clear warning, one that brought a small smile to Conrad’s lips.
“I have no intention of hurting your daughter, Mrs. Cambridge,” Conrad said gently. “But I would like to speak to her privately.”
Cynthia nodded and reluctantly withdrew, though Honor knew the entire family would be gathered just inside the doorway, watching them the entire time.
“You look like hell,” he said bluntly as he took a seat across from the swing Honor occupied.
“I could say the same for you,” she said dryly.
“Touché,” he said wryly. “But you concern me, Honor. You don’t look well at all.”
She arched one eyebrow. “Why are you here, Conrad?”
“I came for many reasons,” he said. “I came to thank you for saving my life. I came to apologize for failing you. But the most important reason I came is to tell you that Hancock did not betray you, Honor.”
She stiffened, her gaze becoming hard and impenetrable. “I have no desire to talk about Hancock. If that’s all you’ve come to talk about, you can leave now.”
Conrad’s expression became as hard and as determined as hers. He leaned forward, his features savage.
“I will not leave until I say what I have to say. What you do with what I have to tell you is solely up to you, but I will tell you what really happened.”
Honor closed her eyes as grief consumed her all over again. In the weeks since she’d discovered she was pregnant with Hancock’s child, she’d worked so hard to put Hancock and his betrayal behind her. To look forward, not back. To concentrate on the tiny, innocent life inside her that she’d protect with her dying breath.
“Say what you have to say, then,” she said hoarsely. “Then get out.”
“You know he changed the plan. That we stayed up all night planning an alternative. And then he drugged you and he hated it. He loathed himself for what he knew he must do. For two reasons: One, Maksimov ordered you drugged and we were forced to carry out the charade. And two, if you were conscious, there was no way Maksimov would see what we needed him to see. You’re too honest, Honor. There is no way when Maksimov looked at you he would’ve seen the terrified, beaten down, and broken captive that he’d expected. He’d’ve seen the courageous, defiant woman who’d spit in his eye before ever allowing him to intimidate her.”
“Which he did,” Honor pointed out. “I’d call that a waste of a good night’s sleep.”
Conrad shook his head. “You don’t understand. He couldn’t tell you the plan. God, he wanted to. He hated the idea of deceiving you when you’d given him your trust. When he’d vowed not to betray your trust. But too much was riding on you not knowing. You had to have no knowledge or it could compromise the entire mission and it could get us all killed. And Hancock made it clear that you were the sole priority. That even if it meant letting Maksimov get away, you were to be protected at all costs.”
Honor sent him a puzzled look because she didn’t understand any of it.
“We planned an ambush. The original plan, you see, was to turn you over to Maksimov as a way of gaining access to him. To finally be part of his inner circle after years of working through middlemen like Bristow. He would turn you over to ANE while we worked to systematically dismantle his entire operation from the inside. Every player, every source of crime. We wanted his entire network destroyed, and then we were going to take him out. And that was going to take time. A lot of time. You would have been dead by ANE’s hands before we completed our destruction of Maksimov’s entire organization.
“But Hancock decided against that. Bristow set up the exchange and Maksimov dictated the terms, but we planned an ambush. We were only going to get close enough to take Maksimov out and then get you the hell out of there no matter what it took. He didn’t care that the connections would still be there, that someone else would simply pick up the reins of Maksimov’s empire. He only wanted him taken out and you safe and then he was going to walk away. With you. And
“Then how . . . ?”
Her brow furrowed, not understanding any of it. She’d awakened in a cage, Maksimov taunting her. He’d tortured her for days. And then she’d awakened on a plane with Hancock, who was taking her to ANE.
“Maksimov obviously had more than one mole planted in Bristow’s organization. We took out the one we were able to ferret out. And he would have reported Hancock losing his shit and killing Bristow when he tried to rape you. So he ambushed us instead of the other way around. We lost Mojo,” Conrad said painfully. “Viper and Cope were both badly injured and Hancock was shot twice. He nearly died and even then, Maksimov had to pry you from his grasp. Hancock called in every favor ever owed to him from an organization where much bad blood exists. We aren’t direct enemies, but neither are we allies. Hancock didn’t care. He had no pride when it came to you. He begged them to help him find and save you. He tortured himself endlessly, knowing you were in Maksimov’s hands, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. He blamed himself. He believes he betrayed you. That he failed you. Every single thing you believe of him, he believes it too. But he didn’t betray you, Honor. The mission was FUBAR. We lost much and yet he wouldn’t stand down when he desperately needed to be in a damn hospital.”
Honor shook her head in bewilderment. “I don’t understand.” It seemed it was all she was capable of saying. It was too much to take in, to have what she’d believed and grieved over for months change in seconds.
“He loves you, Honor,” Conrad said gently. “Hancock hasn’t ever loved anyone in his life except his foster family. He’s never been loved by anyone except his foster family. He’s never felt he deserved to be loved. He believes himself to be a monster. He believes himself to be worse than Maksimov. He’s dying with every passing day. He’s grieving, tormenting himself, loving you and yet knowing he’s not worthy of you, that he doesn’t deserve you. He let you down. He betrayed you. He allowed Maksimov to hurt you and he will never forgive himself for that.”
“Why are you telling me all this?” she whispered.
“Because I believe you’re hurting just as much as he is. I believe you love him as much as he loves you. I believe you’re both dying and that you’ve given up. And I know you’re the only one who can save him. I couldn’t allow you to believe what he wouldn’t even defend himself against, because he believes it all. That he betrayed you. Let you down. Hurt you. Manipulated you. Lied to you. But Honor, you didn’t see him when he told us the mission had changed. You didn’t see the determination in his eyes when he told us that you were the sole priority, that your safety took precedence above all else. He didn’t give one fuck about the mission or whether he was successful in taking Maksimov down. He tried to do the honorable thing and spare you but still take out a serious threat to thousands of innocent lives. And he lost everything as a result.”
Tears spilled down Honor’s cheeks and she hugged herself, rocking back and forth in the swing.
“Why didn’t he explain? On the plane. After he’d freed me from Maksimov. Why did he let me believe he was delivering me to ANE? Why didn’t he at least try?”
“Because you believed it. You weren’t there, Honor. You were a million miles away and you wouldn’t have heard a word he had to say. And it’s hard to defend or explain when you feel that you are guilty of every single sin you accused him of. He didn’t defend himself because he knew he was guilty of the crimes committed against you. And he loves you as much as he hates himself.”
“Where is he?” she demanded.
Conrad closed his eyes. “I don’t know. He disappeared after Maksimov and ANE were taken down. Titan is no more. We all walked away. We’re done. He’s a lone wolf, Honor. He’s gone off somewhere to die a slow, painful death because he can’t live with what he did to you. But I know this much. He loves you with every breath in his body. I’ve worked with him, followed him, been loyal to him for over a decade. And before you, every single characteristic attributed to him was true. He was more machine than man. No emotion. He had his own code and he lived by it. The greater good. And sometimes that means sacrificing innocents. He hated it, but knew it was a necessary evil.
“But you changed everything. You changed him. Suddenly he wanted to be the man you saw when you looked at him. He wanted to be better. For you. You showed him how to love. How to feel. How to be human. And he’ll never love again. He’ll love you forever just as he’ll hate himself for eternity for what he did to you.”
“Then how can I find him?” she asked in frustration. “Damn it, Conrad, you can’t come here and tell me all this and then walk away without giving me something. I won’t let him do this to himself. I won’t. I love him. Do you have any idea how much it hurt when I believed that he’d used me, that he’d betrayed me and allowed Maksimov to torture me?”
Conrad’s eyes were haunted. “I failed you too, Honor. Not just Hancock. We all failed you.”
“Bullshit,” she said angrily.
Sorrow swamped her eyes. “I’m so sorry about Mojo. He was a good man. He didn’t deserve to die because of me. Because Hancock changed the mission. Are Viper and Cope okay now?” she asked anxiously.
Conrad smiled gently, reaching for her hand to give it a light squeeze. “Always worried for others. You are a remarkable woman, Honor. My life is better for having known you. And if you can save Hancock, you will have my eternal gratitude. Yes, Mojo was a good man, but he died peacefully. He was given redemption, something none of us ever dreamed we would be given. And Viper and Cope are fine. I don’t know where Hancock is, I swear it. But I can point you in the direction of people who might know or at the very least can help you find him.”
She leaned forward eagerly. “Tell me.”
“I’ll bring you there myself,” he said. “I won’t send you off without protection. And it’s not far at all. Dover, Tennessee, just a few miles south of the Kentucky border. How soon can you be ready?”
She was already rising from the swing. “Give me five minutes.”
Conrad smiled to himself as he watched her stalk away, her eyes fierce with purpose. The dull, lifeless look that clung to her like a second skin had evaporated and she looked like the Honor he’d first met. Full of fight and fire. Courage and bravery.
If anyone was going to save Hancock, it was going to be her. He almost pitied the man. Almost. Because he was never going to know what hit him when Honor Cambridge ran him to ground.
CHAPTER 45
HONOR’S family made it clear that she was going nowhere with a man they didn’t know, and she damn sure wasn’t going alone with Conrad. Brad insisted on accompanying her, and Conrad and she were equally insistent she was going alone.
An argument broke out, and every single member of Honor’s family refused to allow her to leave without them.