Das landhaus am Rhein. English by Berthold Auerbach
CHAPTER XII.
AN EMPTY NEST AND A HOME FOR ALL.
Toiling hard, and still singing lustily, the bird has built his nestfrom odds and ends from every quarter; restless in his task, he has fedhis young while starving himself, contenting himself with the growth ofthe young birds; and now they have all flown away, the nest is emptyand forsaken,--torn to shreds.
Such was the reflection in Eric's mind, as he stood in the evening byRoland's bedside, and felt his heart trembling with anxiety for thebeloved youth. He wandered out across the country; he felt as if hemust go to some friend, to some human being, on whose breast he couldlay his weary head.
He would have gone to Clodwig, to the Doctor, to Weidmann, once more;but they could not change the unchangeable, and who knows but that inanother hour he would be needed here? he must not leave his mother, hemust not leave the house, he must not think of himself.
Thus he roamed about like a wandering spirit through the night. He sawthe carriage with the three ladies in it coming along the road; he hidhimself quickly behind a hedge; he could not understand what it meant;he had recognized his mother, Frau Ceres, and Fraeulein Perini. Whereare they hurrying to? Or had he only fancied that he saw them? Hewatched a long while, then the carriage returned, and he himself wenthomeward. He sat for some time on a bench in the field-path, oppositethe green cottage; he saw the light go out; at last he went to thevilla.
At Manna's window, in which there was no light burning, he thought hesaw her looking out; he would like to have called out to her; but hedid not venture to; he had no right to disturb her in her sadmeditation.
It seemed to him as if a white hand was stretched out of the window; hepassed hurriedly by.
With mute lips he walked up and down his room; it seemed to him sostrange not to be talking with Roland as he had done every evening, forso long.
Eric thought that he would seek relief from his own thoughts in somebook, but he pushed away the book with the hand he had reached out totake it up. Professor Einsiedel was right, he had cut off his soul fromthe empire of clear ideas; he cannot easily resume the connection. Hehad devoted himself to a single human being, and now that he had lefthim, he was undermined, and without support. And still he said again tohimself. If thou hadst not sacrificed thyself for Roland, he would notbe so well equipped as he is, and as he will yet prove himself to be,in dangers and temptations. I wonder whether he is thinking of andyearning for me at this moment as I am for him? Not now; now thewhirlpool of life is laying hold of him; but moments will come when hewill turn towards me, and I will be prepared.
Eric was revolving in his mind what would become of himself now; hecould not imagine, but consoled himself with the reflection that eachcoming day would bring its task with it.
It occurred to him now, for the first time, that he had in hispossession some of the property which had been earned in such a way. Hewas determined not to retain it. Where should he bestow it? To whomcould he restore it? He knew not, but there was in his soul a certainfullness of freedom, as he thought, and said aloud to himself,--
"Thou art poor once again, thou hast again nothing but thyself; butthou hast thyself."
What fortunes had he not experienced in these rooms! how his soul, hisheart had been swayed to and fro with emotion! and to-morrow, within afew days, is this house to be forsaken, left far behind, a remembrance.
And then?
"Come day, come fate, thou shalt find me ready!"
Eric felt utterly forsaken and robbed of his all; he longed after abeing outside of himself, to clasp him in her arms, and say to him:Thou art at home, thou art at home, thou art with me. He trembled whenhe thought: How would it be if Bella should see me? And his cheeksbegan to glow, for he thought to himself thus: No, Manna, thou alonethou shalt never know, 'twill be better for thee and for me. And how?Should I call thee mine, and bear with thee the burden of this horridwealth? Wealth! Thou wouldst not be in my way; I have pride enough. Butno, it shall be put to death before it has time to live; never shall itcross these lips.
He held his hand for some time pressed against his mouth. At last,shutting his eyes, he said half aloud:--
"Good-night, Roland."
When he woke up--and his first thought was, "How is Roland thismorning?"--he heard the church-bells ringing. He left the house andwould have gone to his mother's, but he dreaded meeting her, for theremembrance of what Weidmann had imparted to him was reviving in hisbreast, as if he were listening to it now for the first time. He raisedhis eyes to heaven and said to himself: O sun, what bringest thou newtoday?
And wonderful! In the midst of all his forlornness, in the midst of allhis sorrow, there came upon him suddenly, as if he were standing on thethreshold of fortune, something unspeakable, something undiscernible,and, no one could tell whence it was sent.
The bells were still ringing. There is yet something calling upon men,upon every one, and every one may listen to and follow after it,wherefore not also thou? He did not like to be wandering about inaimless dissipation of thought. "The walk in the open air," as Knopfhad called it, came into his mind.
He went to the church, and on the way the good Knopf's words hauntedhim:--"Our life is not simply a walk in the open air."
He entered the church just as the organ pealed out. Knopf is right, hecontinued to himself; there are the seats, the candlesticks, thekneeling-stools, and they are waiting peacefully and quietly for thecomers. Who knows what his neighbor cherishes in his heart? But it is ameeting-place where we find each other and we find ourselves.
Eric sat down quietly behind a pillar.
As he looked up, he saw Manna kneeling not far from the altar.
So will she soon kneel when she is married to Pranken.
Terrified, as if some one had seized him from behind, Eric lookedround; there was no one there. He would have left the church, but thequiet hour and the quiet service did him good. What further he thoughtof, he knew not. The organ sounded, Manna passed him by, he heard therustle of her dress, he did not stir. The lights on the altar wereextinguished, he left the church.
"Ah, you too were in the church?" was the question put to him in awoman's voice.
He looked up astonished; Fraeulein Milch stood before him. He greetedher pleasantly, and said he was not aware that she also was a Catholic.
"I am not one, but there are times when I cannot pray alone, I must gointo another house, into one that has been erected to the Most High;then must I be with my fellow-creatures, who, like me, seek consolationand peace in the Eternal, even if they do call upon him in another waythan mine. I do not pray as the others do, but I pray with them."
She looked confidingly into his countenance, as if she meant to say,"Thou canst not be alone either." As Eric did not make any answer, sheasked after his mother, and begged him to say to her, that she had notbeen to visit her because she was afraid of disturbing her; but thatshe herself would always be found at home.
"And you, Captain, must come and see us whenever you feel like it. Wehave not a great deal to offer, but there is one thing that can alwaysbe had at our house, and that is quiet. And you need not even bidgood-day when you come, but you can make yourself at home with us,whenever you happen to feel the need."
She now asked how Eric felt since Roland had left him, and she was thefirst to whom Eric expressed his great longing for the youth.
"Roland has become more to me than my dead brother was!" he exclaimed.
And just as he was uttering these words in a somewhat loud andtrembling voice, Manna passed by; she had come out of the Priest'shouse. She greeted both quietly, and pressed her prayer-book tightly toher heart.
"I would be glad to have her a happy nun, but she will not be a happynun," said Fraeulein Milch.
"Naturally," said Eric, jokingly; "she will be Frau von Pranken."
"Frau von Pranken! Never."
"And are you earnest in saying so?"
"Yes, for Herr von Pranken is
"I don't understand this."
"Don't forget, Captain, that I have told you so this day. I know alittle something about men. I have never had a word from Baron Prankenexcept the question, 'Where is the Major?' He never addressed me myselfin any way, and I do not take it ill of him, but still, for all that, Iknow him."
Eric's countenance brightened; he had no reason for putting faith inFraeulein Milch's conjecture, and still he did put faith in it. And nowit occurred to him, that he had joyfully anticipated something, he knewnot what, to-day; now he had experienced it.
He accompanied Fraeulein Milch home. The Major was not in; he had goneto the castle, for there was still a great deal to be done, to be readyfor the solemn opening of the castle-which was soon to take place.
Eric turned back and went, to his mother's.