Dear God, Help!!! Love, Earl by Barbara Park

  I don’t remember when I first got the idea that I could still save The Plan. I mean, ordinarily a thought like that wouldn’t even enter my head. But as I lay there under my pillow that morning, my mind drifted back to the scene at the drugstore, and how weird I must have looked all stretched out in the back of the car, with that blanket draped over me. Then all at once, I remembered how I told Maxie I was so scared I wasn’t even breathing.

  And bingo!

  Brain juices started kicking in from everywhere.

  It was almost two o’clock when I snuck into my mother’s room and dialed Maxie’s number.

  “Zuckerman residence,” he said.

  “Max! Max! It’s Earl,” I whispered excitedly. “I think I did it! I think I figured out a way to save The Plan.”

  Maxie didn’t answer right away. I’m sure he was giving the phone receiver one of those “Yeah, right. Sure you did” looks.

  “No, really, Max. Just listen to me for a second,” I said. “If this all works out the way I think it will, it doesn’t matter if Eddie McFee saw me or not. In fact, it might even turn out better this way.”

  “No way,” he said.

  “Way,” I said. “I swear, Maxie. You’re really going to like this idea. Get Rosie and come over right now. Please, Max. Please. Just come.”

  After that, I hung up the phone, crossed my fingers, and whispered “please” a hundred times more.

  They got to my house at two-fifteen.

  Four hours later—when they had to go home to dinner—both of them were grinning like crazy.

  On her way out, Rosie ruffled my hair.

  “See? I told you it would all work out,” she said happily.

  This time she said it right to my face.

  I didn’t have a hard time staying home from school the next day. As soon as my mother touched my neck, I let out a scream that could crack plaster. She called the baby-sitter right away. My baby-sitter lives next door to Rosie Swanson. Her name is Mrs. Rosen from Down the Street and Around the Corner. Seriously. Whenever she phones me, she always says, “Hello, Burl? This is Mrs. Rosen from down the street and around the corner.”

  She thinks my name is Burl.

  Still, she’s turned out to be a pretty good baby-sitter, though. She totally leaves me alone. Like if I tell her that I’m napping, she just stays in the living room, eats Doritos, and watches her stories on TV.

  That’s what she calls soap operas. She calls them her stories.

  The other good thing about Mrs. Rosen from Down the Street and Around the Corner is that she makes excellent grilled-cheese sandwiches. She brought one in to me for lunch on Monday. Unfortunately, the next step of The Plan was scheduled to begin right after school, so a couple of Tums were all my nervous stomach could handle.

  Most of the day, I just rolled around on top of my bed and watched the numbers change on my digital clock. I had to be in Maxie’s garage at three o’clock sharp, and the closer it got, the more pukey my stomach started to get. So much for my brand-new feeling of self-confidence.

  At two-thirty, I got out of bed and began getting dressed.

  “Burl? Is that you, sweetie? Are you up?” hollered Mrs. Rosen from Down the Street and Around the Corner. Her ears are almost as good as my mother’s.

  I swallowed hard. “Uh, yeah. It’s me, Mrs. Rosen. I’m just going into the bathroom, that’s all. After that, I’m going to take another really long nap. So you don’t have to bother checking on me or anything. ’Cause I think I’ll be sleeping for at least a couple of hours. Okay?”

  “Okey-dokle,” she yelled back.

  As soon as I finished dressing, I put on my wool ski mask and my Eskimo parka. My ski mask and parka are the best disguise I own. Like if I ever decide to knock off a jewelry store, that’s what I will wear, probably.

  I opened my door a crack. “Okay … well, I’m going to sleep again now,” I called. “Good night, Mrs. Rosen.”

  “Nighty-night, Burl, honey,” she called back.

  After that, I locked my door. Then, quiet as a mouse, I opened my window and snuck outside. You wouldn’t think a big guy like me could sneak out the window without making a sound. But if I really put my mind to it, I can be surprisingly mouselike.

  I got to Maxie’s garage at three o’clock. Even though I was the first one there, I knew exactly what to do.

  I went straight to the corner and hid behind a big stack of empty boxes that Maxie had left for me. After that, I took off my disguise and arranged the boxes so I could peek out without being seen.

  Suddenly, the garage door opened. “Earl, are you here yet?”

  It was Rosie.

  I waved my arm. “Here. Behind the boxes in the corner,” I said.

  I peeked my eyes over the top. “How did everything go in school today? Did Maxie give Eddie the message to meet him here at three-thirty? Did he say he’d come? I swear, Rosie, I’m so nervous I can’t stand it. Yesterday I was positive that this idea would work, but today I’m not so sure.”

  Before she could say anything, the door opened again and Maxie came flying in. He ran straight to the corner where I was hiding and shoved his father’s camcorder at me.

  “Here! Quick, Earl! Take it! He’s coming! Eddie’s coming right now! He’s walking up the driveway this very minute!”

  Rosie gasped. “No! He can’t be!” she said. “He’s not supposed to be here for fifteen minutes! There’s still some stuff I need to talk to Earl about! I thought of more questions Eddie might ask me, and I don’t know the answers to all of them!”

  Suddenly, there was a kick at the door, and Eddie McFee came storming in.

  Even though I had ducked down before he saw me, my heart was pounding so hard I could feel it in my throat.

  I looked at Eddie through my peekhole. It had been a chilly day, but he was wearing one of those black muscle shirts with no sleeves.

  He didn’t look happy, either. Not one bit.

  He gave Maxie a shove backward. “Okay, geek-boy. What’s so freakin’ important that I had to meet you and your four-eyed nerdy girlfriend in your stinkin’ garage? I’m getting pretty tired of you dorky little idiots giving me orders, okay? Who do you think you are, anyway?”

  He pushed him again. “I swear, if this isn’t important, you’re really going to be sorry.”

  Maxie’s face went pale, but he didn’t back down.

  “Oh, it’s important all right, Eddie,” he said. “In fact, it’s probably the most important news of your whole entire life.”

  He shoved his hand into his jacket and pulled out the envelope of pictures. The same envelope of pictures that he’d shown me in my room the day before.

  “Here,” he said. “Take a look at these and then try to tell me it’s not important.”

  I had to hand it to old Max. He was being a lot tougher than I expected.

  Eddie took the pictures and glanced through a few. Seconds later, his anger exploded all over again. He put his hands around Maxie’s neck and tried to lift him off the ground.

  “What kind of lame stunt are you trying to pull, doofus? These are just a bunch of pictures of Earl Wilber sleeping in his stupid bed. What’s so important about that?”

  Maxie tried to answer, but his throat kept making little gagging noises.

  Finally, Rosie pulled Eddie’s hands off of him. “Knock it off, Eddie!” she said. “How can Maxie answer you when you’re strangling him? And besides, if you had half a brain you could see that these aren’t pictures of ‘Earl Wilber sleeping in his stupid bed.’ Take a closer look, why don’t you, smart guy?”

  Eddie glanced at the pictures again, then shook his head.

  “Okay, four-eyes. I give up,” he said. “If these aren’t pictures of Earl Wilber sleeping, then who are they of? His jumbo twin brother?”

  Rosie narrowed her eyes. “Oh, no, Ed. Those are pictures of Earl Wilber, all right. But the trouble is, he’s not sleeping, okay? In fact, because of you, Earl Wilber won’t ever be sleeping ag
ain.”

  She glared at him. “Have you gotten the picture yet, Ed? Or do I have to spell it out even clearer?”

  Rosie paused a minute. Her voice got softer.

  “Earl isn’t exactly here anymore. Okay?”

  She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes.

  “Because of you, Eddie McFee,” she continued at last, “my poor friend Earl is … is …”

  Rosie shivered a little, then closed her eyes.

  She pointed her finger to heaven.

  *10* BOO

  Eddie thought that she meant I was on the garage roof.

  “Up there? You’ve gotta be kidding me. How did a tub like him get on the roof? And besides, what’s that got to do with me? I didn’t put him up there.”

  He started to go outside to see, but Rosie grabbed his arm.

  “No, you idiot. He’s not on the roof,” she said. “How thick can you be? I meant that Earl is in heaven, okay? He’s gone, Eddie. And it’s all your fault. You bounced on his stomach so hard on Friday that you squished his intestines. And for your information, you can’t live without your intestines, bub. Intestines are some of the most important stomach stuff you have.”

  Rosie crossed her arms. “We saw you do it, too, buddy boy. Maxie and I are both witnesses. We saw you flatten Earl’s insides right there on the playground. After you left, we helped him walk home, but he didn’t last long after that. Like I said, Ed, you can’t live without your insides.”

  Eddie didn’t buy it. “You’re crazy. You’re nuts,” he said. “I didn’t hurt Earl Wilber. The dude is asleep in those pictures. Anybody can tell that. How stupid do you think I am?”

  Rosie rolled her eyes. “Apparently, you still haven’t looked at them close enough,” she said.

  Then she grabbed them out of his hands and held them right next to his eyes.

  “I know it’s dark in here, Eddie. But try zooming in on the way Earl looks. Have you ever seen anyone who looks that gross when he’s just sleeping? It’s hard for me to even look at these pictures. One of his eyes is only halfway shut, and his tongue is hanging out of his mouth like a big yellow zucchini.”

  Rosie winced. “And what about that dark red stain down the front of his pajamas? What do you think that is, Ed? Tomato juice? Because I’ve got news for you, Eddie Boy. It’s not.”

  Eddie started for the door again. “You need help, girlie,” he said. “Serious help.”

  “Wait! Don’t go!” hollered Rosie. “I can prove it! If you still think I’m kidding, then look at these pictures of the funeral. Maxie took them so you could see for yourself.”

  She shoved them in his hands. “It was yesterday afternoon,” she said. “And it was the most pathetic thing you ever saw in your life. Earl’s mother was so upset, she didn’t even invite anyone, hardly.

  Rosie pointed. “See that picture right there? That’s Earl’s mother at the cemetery. And the lady blowing her nose is Earl’s aunt Ruby Doober. They’re both standing right in front of the tombstone. See?”

  Eddie squinted hard.

  “I can’t see anything in here. I need more light,” he said.

  Then, before Rosie could stop him, he walked over to the window by the workbench.

  My heart stopped.

  No, Rosie, no! Don’t let him see the pictures in the light! I told you that a hundred times, remember? If Eddie gets those pictures near the light, he’s going to see the—

  Just then, Eddie’s voice interrupted my panic. “Whoa. Wait a minute. What the heck are all those words on that gravestone?”

  He looked closer. “Hey. That’s not Earl’s name.”

  Desperately, Rosie tried grabbing for the pictures, but it was too late. Eddie was already reading the tombstone inscription on the stone right out loud.

  “Here lies Bobo—State Fair Frisbee Champ,” he read.

  Doomed. We were doomed.

  Eddie’s face went blank for a second. Then all of a sudden, he started to grin. He was on to something here, and he knew it.

  Frantically, Rosie looked at Max. Unfortunately, the choking must have totally traumatized him, because he still seemed afraid to speak.

  Rosie began to babble. “Yes, um, well … just in case you might be wondering why it says Bobo on Earl’s gravestone, it’s because Bobo was Earl’s first name, Eddie. Yes. You see, Earl was really his middle name. He didn’t want anyone to know that, of course. But Earl’s father is from England. And he insisted on naming Earl after this great-great-grandfather of his named, um …”

  She gulped. “Bobo Wilber the First.”

  I felt sick to my stomach. Bobo Wilber the First? Good God. What kind of idiotic name was that?

  Eddie started to laugh.

  “Yeah, well, laugh all you want to,” Rosie blabbed on. “But it’s still true. Earl’s mother told me they’ve got tons of weird names like that over there. She said that in England, Bobo is British for, uh …”

  She paused again. “… two bows.”

  Just then, Eddie stopped laughing. By now, he’d pretty much had it, I think.

  “Yeah, sure it is, geekus,” he said. “Now tell me the lie about how good old ‘Bobo’ was the state fair Frisbee champ.”

  “But he was, Ed,” Rosie insisted. “It’s not a lie. He was really, really the state fair Frisbee champ, wasn’t he, Maxie? We were both there the day he won it.”

  She sighed. “Poor old Bobo,” she said. “He wasn’t much of an athlete, but, boy, could he throw that old saucer.”

  Eddie gave Rosie a push with his arm. It wasn’t hard or anything. But it definitely took her by surprise.

  “The joke’s over, four-eyes,” he said. “I’m just about out of patience with you two. Earl didn’t croak, okay? I know that for a fact because I saw him on Saturday. He was waiting for his mother in the car outside the drugstore. I saw him in the back seat with my own two eyes.”

  He pushed her again.

  “I don’t know what you two dorks are trying to do,” he said. “But if you’re trying to make a fool out of me, you’re not going to get away with it.”

  Rosie began backing up.

  Maxie stepped in front of her. He was still rubbing his neck. But his plan was falling apart again, and Maxie Zuckerman was coming to the rescue.

  “Listen, Eddie. If you’re smart, you’ll believe what Rosie is telling you,” he said. “Earl Wilber had a stomach problem that he didn’t even know about. No one did. And when you bounced on his intestines on Friday, it squished them pretty good. In fact, they gave out on him the very next day. So if you saw Earl in his car on Saturday, that can mean only one thing. You saw him after he’d already … well, you know …”

  He lowered his voice. “… expired.”

  Eddie laughed in Maxie’s face. “Oh, yeah. Right, brainiac. Like Earl’s mother would take him to the drugstore after he croaked.”

  Maxie didn’t get rattled. “For your information, people don’t always think clearly when they’re in shock. Who knows why she did that? Maybe Mrs. Wilber needed some kind of emergency prescription or something, so she stopped to get it on the way to the … well, you know …”

  “Funeral guy’s house,” offered Rosie.

  “We’re not making this up, Eddie,” Maxie told him. “Just think about how Earl looked when you saw him on Saturday. I bet you anything he was lying down in the back seat. I bet his eyes were closed, too. And what about the other stuff? Did he have a sheet or a blanket over him? And was he all fidgety and nervous like Earl always is? Or was he totally, well, you know …”

  “Stiffish,” said Rosie.

  Maxie continued. “Earl didn’t come to school today, Eddie. Call the office if you don’t believe me. And he’s not going to be there tomorrow, either. Or the next day. Or the day after that.”

  Maxie glared. “That’s because you squished his insides with your knee, Ed. And maybe you didn’t mean to. But you did it.”

  Eddie wasn’t grinning anymore. “No, I didn’t!” he said. “It’
s impossible, I’m telling you! I know I didn’t hurt him. I swear. I don’t believe anything you’re saying.”

  He did, though. You could tell just by looking at his face that Eddie McFee was starting to believe every single word.

  I grinned. Pretty soon we would have him right where we wanted him.

  Tap, tap, tap.

  What was that?

  A tap at the side door?

  No. It couldn’t be. My nerves were playing tricks on me. Maxie’s father wouldn’t knock at his own garage door. And besides, Mr. Zuckerman didn’t even know we were in here.

  Knock! Knock! Knock!

  A second later, my mother came bursting through the door.

  I couldn’t believe this! What the heck was she doing here? I didn’t even think she knew about this place! And besides, Mom almost never got home from work until at least five-thirty.

  My whole body went numb. Face and all, I mean. I was biting my lip and I couldn’t even feel it.

  Maxie and Rosie were as shocked as I was.

  “Max!” said Rosie. “Look! Max! Look! It’s Mrs.… Mrs.… you know … it’s Mrs.…”

  “Wilber!” Maxie said finally. “It’s Mrs. Wilber, Rosie! What do you know. Mrs. Wilber’s right here in the garage. What are you doing here, Mrs. Wilber? I mean … you know …”

  “What are you doing here, Mrs. Wilber?” Rosie repeated.

  My mother looked embarrassed. “Oh, dear. I’m so sorry. I never should have barged in like this. I tried knocking on your front door, Max, but no one answered.”

  Quickly, she reached into her purse and pulled out Maxie’s camera. “I just stopped by on my way home from work to return this to you, Max. You forgot to take it with you when you came by after the funeral, and I didn’t want it to get misplaced.”

  Maxie stared at the camera for a second. Then—quick as anything—he snatched it out of her hands. “Oh. Okay, fine,” he blurted. “Thank you, Mrs. Wilber. Thank you very much for bringing it back.”

  Immediately, he led her back to the door. “All rightie then. Thanks again, Mrs. Wilber. See ya.”