Deeper We Fall by Chelsea M. Cameron
Still, when I thought about losing myself in a body that wasn’t hers, my need cooled a bit.
I shrugged in response to Stryker and he turned back around. Damn, I was bad at this. Other than my brother I hadn’t really had a lot of friends. Tate had sort of adopted me, “like a lost fucking puppy,” he’d said. He didn’t care if I talked or didn’t. He could hold the conversation for both of us.
“You?”
“Got this done,” he said, turning around again pointing to the new eyebrow ring I hadn’t noticed initially. “Hurt like a bitch. Even more than this.” He pointed to his lip. “You got any?”
I shook my head. Piercing hadn’t been my thing, although I liked the look of his lip ring. “Just a tat.”
“Nice. I’ve got a couple. I’m saving up to finish my arm piece.” He pulled his t-shirt sleeve up, showing me a bit of a half-finished tattoo. It looked like the lines of a musical staff, along with a treble clef and a few musical notes. There were words as well.
“I’m getting my favorite song lyrics added. So I never forget them. What’s yours?”
“A tree. Here,” I said, motioning to my chest and shoulder.
“Why did you cover it up?”
“Long story,” I said. That was my patented response whenever anyone asked me about it. That usually shut them up.
“You should tell me sometime. I have a thing for long stories,” he said with a smile. I’d never gotten that reaction before.
Quan started writing equations on the whiteboard, so I had an excuse to turn my attention away from Stryker. A moment later, he went back to drawing in his notebook.
***
“Didn’t mean to be in your face about talking,” he said when class ended. “I just know what it’s like to have shit you carry around with you that you can’t tell anyone about.”
“It’s fine. I have that ‘chip on my shoulder’ look.” So did he, come to think of it.
“Yeah, I’ve perfected that look. Comes in handy, though. Cuts down on all the normal bullshit people throw at you.” True.
In an unwritten agreement, we walked outside and I handed him my lighter without him having to ask for it.
“How old are you?” I said.
“Twenty-one.”
“Don’t think I’m trying to be a douche or anything, but aren’t you a bit old for Math 101?”
That make him chuckle as he blew out a puff of smoke.
“I’m taking it for an easy grade. I only needed three more credits to graduate, so I took the easiest thing I could think of.”
“What are you majoring in?”
“Mechanical engineering and environmental science.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. Wouldn’t think it to look at me, but I’m a fucking genius.” He smiled at the look on my face. “Well, not a genius, but I’m pretty smart, but like I told you, once people make up their mind about you, that’s it. Like Boo Radley.”
“What?”
“You know, Boo Radley, from ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’?” He flicked some ash from the end of the cigarette.
“Yeah, I do.” He handed my lighter back, and I pocketed it.
He nodded in understanding. “Figured you did.”
We stood there for a second longer.
“You live on campus?” he said.
“Yeah.”
“I’ve got an apartment off campus, so anytime you wanna hang out or whatever, you’re welcome.” He gave me his number and we went out separate ways.
Looked like I’d found another Boo Radley.
Lottie
Katie’s study habits lasted about a week. During that time, we’d gotten along really well. Her studying a lot spurred my own academic pursuits and I got ahead on all my homework and reading and got a 97 on my first test. It also helped me forget about the towel incident. It wouldn’t fit in the box with the rain incident. I was going to need to get a bigger Zan box for my mind.
On Saturday night, I heard Katie stumble in after one a.m. and she was crying. She wasn’t being loud about it, but it was a tiny room, and I had seriously good hearing. Years of Will trying to sneak up on me had sharpened it to sniper precision.
“Katie? You okay?”
“Did I wake you?” She sniffed loudly.
“No, I just… um, had to pee and I heard you.” Great story, now I was going to have to get up and pee so she didn’t think I was lying.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what she was apologizing for.
“Are you seriously okay? Did something happen with Zack? Did something happen, or—” I had to shut my mouth or else I was going to start babbling again.
“I’m fine.” She sniffed and I heard her grabbing a tissue from the fuzzy pink box on her desk. “We just… we had a fight. I thought this was going to be such a good night, and then it was stupid and I left.” I turned my lamp on to find Katie wiping her nose.
She was a wreck. The pink shirt she’d ironed so carefully earlier was wrinkled, and her face was coated by streaks of mascara.
“I just love him so much,” she said, wiping her nose and missing most of the grossness.
“I know you do. You’ll work it out.” I couldn’t believe I was saying it, but I had to earn her trust, even if I had to lie through my teeth. Zack hadn’t done anything else but call me Hottie and leer at me. The second it went to more than that, it was on.
I sat on her bed and patted her shoulder. Since she didn’t flinch, I leaned down and gave her a little hug.
“It’ll be okay.”
Two hours and one-and-a-half pints of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia later, we were watching a marathon of Law and Order.
“The maid did it,” Katie said, shoving another spoonful in her mouth. I’d gotten her to the bathroom to wash her face, so she was looking marginally better. I really wanted to brush her hair out, but I thought offering to do that would seem a little creepy.
“My money is on the nanny,” I said.
“Bet?”
“You’re on. Ten bucks?”
“Deal.” She stuck out her hand and we shook. It was amazing how well she’d snapped out of her crying fit. I still hadn’t gotten the details out of her, but I wasn’t giving up.
“I didn’t want to have sex,” she said out of the blue. I pulled my eyes away from the television to find her stabbing the bottom of the ice cream container with her spoon. “I don’t like having sex when I’m on my period and I said I didn’t want to. He kind of freaked out and we had this big fight. I just… I didn’t want to deal with it, so I left.” I turned to face her.
“He’s done it before. I mean, he’s never forced me to, but sometimes I just don’t want to and the next thing I know my underwear is off and we’re doing it. I mean, I enjoy it and everything, but sometimes I just want to watch a movie or something. I’m making a big deal out of nothing,” she said, shaking her head.
“You’re not.”
“I don’t know why I’m telling you this.” She swirled the now-melted ice cream with her spoon. “I love him, but sometimes he’s too much. You know?”
“Maybe you should take a little break,” I said. What I wanted to say was that she should get out now. This was a gigantic red flag. I wanted to get up and wave my arms and tell her to run, run, run.
“Are you sure you want to be with him? I know you love him, but convincing someone to have sex when they don’t want to isn’t how a relationship is supposed to work. He should respect your wishes, too.”
“He loves me. I know he does. We just had a fight, that’s all. He’s been texting me like crazy, sending apologies. He wants to take me out to a fancy dinner to say he’s sorry.” She sounded like she was trying to convince herself.
Oh there were so many things I wanted to say. So. Many. Things. I nearly choked when I swallowed most of them. They cut my throat on the way down.
“It’s up to you, but I really think you should think about it. You deserve someone who respects you.”
?
“I’m just concerned about you.” She chucked the ice cream in the trash and didn’t answer, effectively ending the conversation.
“Look, it was the maid,” I said, as the cops dragged her off in handcuffs as she screamed her innocence.
Chapter Seventeen
Zan
A loud pounding on my door late Saturday night, or early Sunday morning, depending on how you looked at it, woke me.
My roommate was absent again. I’d barely said anything to him since I’d taken care of his drunk ass.
“Zan!” Based on the tone of his voice, it was my brother and he was drunk. Drunker than drunk, probably. That would be great, for him to get caught, so I got up and pulled him into the room.
“She fucking left me, the bitch,” he slurred. “I wanted to fuck her and she fucking left me. Probably to go screw a bunch of guys. Stupid bitch.” I got him sitting on my bed and tried to evaluate just how drunk he was.
“I fucking love her, man.” Yup, he was about as drunk as he could get, if he was to the crying stage. I got some tissues and wiped the snot from his face and handed him a bottle of water.
“I fucking love her,” he cried, slobbering all over.
“Yeah, I know.” At least he wasn’t trying to hurt anyone or destroy anything. He’d done that enough times. He had gone past the angry drunk stage to the emotional drunk stage. It was almost worse to deal with.
Something had clearly happened with him and Katie. My mind drifted upstairs, wondering if Charlotte was doing the exact same thing at this moment with Katie. Maybe, maybe not.
“I just wanted to have shex with her,” he blubbered, grabbing my shoulder.
“I know, I know.”
Throughout the night and after a few puking sessions, I got the story out of him.
By the time he passed out around dawn, I was exhausted as well. I wished I could have gotten him back to his own room, but that wasn’t going to happen. I didn’t want to risk him getting caught by one of the RA’s that stepped up their hallway patrols on the weekends.
“You’re such an asshole,” I said to my brother’s snoring body. “I hate you.”
Lottie
The next morning Katie was sacked out in a pile of used tissues, face still streaked with mascara. Had she ever heard of waterproof? I made a mental note to buy her some for Christmas.
I crept out of the room and went down to talk with Simon and Will about the Zack and Katie situation. I hoped she wouldn’t wake up and start crying again, so I was trying to be quick. I was raising my hand to knock when the door on the left opened and a rumpled Zan emerged with a towel and a shower basket much like mine. At least he had a shirt and shorts on.
“Oh,” I said. I couldn’t help it. He stared at me, as if he was waiting for my brain to wake up. “Would you tell your asshole brother that if he hurts my roommate that I will rip off his testicles, coat them in chocolate and then make him eat them?”
His mouth twitched, as if he was choking back a laugh or a smile or both.
“I’ll pass that along.” He stepped around me, taking me back to the last time I’d seen him, when I’d been naked. That thought pulled my blush trigger and my face flamed red.
He cleared his throat, but didn’t move.
“So yeah. Just tell him that.” I involuntarily crossed my arms. I could practically feel his blazing stare and I didn’t like it.
“I will.” He said and I bobbed my head before he passed by me and went down the hall toward the showers. I had to take a breath before knocking on Will’s door.
“Lottie my love!” Simon’s beaming face was just the ray of sunshine I needed. He pulled me into his arms. “You look tired. Up late reading again?”
“Not exactly. Taking care of a heartbroken roommate. Do you mind if she comes to breakfast with us? I want to get her out and about.”
“Of course not, the more the merrier. We don’t all have to wear pink, do we?”
“No,” I said, flopping down on his bed. “Where’s my worser half?”
“Shower.” At the mention of it, my face got red again, and Simon noticed.
“What’s up with you?”
“Nothing.”
“You know, when people say ‘nothing’, that always means it’s something. If people would just say something other than nothing, people wouldn’t be as suspicious.”
“Whatever.”
“Spill, girlie.” He crashed down next to me and put his pouty face right in front of mine. I pretended to bite his nose and he kissed me on the cheek.
Oh, there were a number of things I could tell him. About Zack coming up to me, about the rain incident, about Zan seeing my girlie parts (even though he said he didn’t look), about me threatening both of them, multiple times.
That was quite a list. A list I wanted to keep to myself.
Will interrupted Simon badgering, grumbling about how he’d bumped into Zan in the bathroom.
“God, it wasn’t enough that his drunk roommate was yelling all night,” Will said, cleaning his ears out with his towel.
“What?” I said.
“The guy forgot his card, couldn’t get in and then started banging on the door until Zan let him in. And then he wouldn’t shut up all night.”
“Why didn’t you get the RA?” I said.
Simon shrugged.
“If it was the end of the semester, sure, but we figured there were any number of ways to retaliate, so we decided to suck it up,” he said.
“Did you hear Zan?”
“Not really, but he doesn’t talk much so that doesn’t mean anything.”
Huh.
I couldn’t picture Zan taking care of a drunk roommate, but then I didn’t really know what he was capable of.
“Come on, I gotta make sure my roommate isn’t crying herself into a puddle,” I said.
***
I filled Trish in on the drama from the night before as we re-stocked the buttons. It took two of us to match up the right ones to make sure we got them in the right places. I’d already consumed three cups of double caffeine tea to help me stay awake, and it was Trish’s job to poke me if my eyes closed for too long.
“Wouldn’t it be crazy if you ended up with one of them? What a story you’d have to tell your kids.”
I gave her an icy look.
“Don’t freak out on me, I was just saying that if your life were a Nicolas Sparks novel, you’d totally end up together, dying in the same bed while holding hands.”
I slid another card of ivory buttons on the rack.
“What?” she said.
“I never pegged you for a Sparks fan.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m a fan…” she trailed off and fiddled with the box of buttons.
“Trish, is there something you need to get off your chest?”
She glared at me before she rolled her eyes back and sighed.
“Fine. I’m a Sparks fan. Happy?” I grinned and nodded. “But don’t tell anyone.”
“Your secret is safe with me as long as you don’t tell anyone I read those books with the half-naked dudes and the swooning women on the cover.”
“You do not.”
Our souls gave another fist bump.
I wanted to go over to Trish’s after work on Sunday, but I was still taking care of Katie. Her stupid friends had come over to commiserate, but all they’d done was make her feel even more like shit and piss me off in the process.
I stole Will’s truck again and forced Katie to go shopping with me. Not that she needed anything else pink, but I figured retail therapy couldn’t hurt.
“What do you think of these?” She held up some dangly earrings with, you guessed it, pink beads on the end.
“Cute.” The only earrings I ever wore were studs. The dangly things were always brushing the side of my neck and freaking me out.
“Do you mind if we stop at the
“What for?” I resisted the urge to say ‘unicorns and rainbows.’
“I just want to see if there’s anything new out.”
“Yeah, sure.” She grabbed the earrings and added them to her basket.
Katie insisted on taking me into Bath and Body Works before we went to the bookstore. I loved their stuff, but seriously, how much body lotion and those little bottles of anti-bacterial gel did one person need?
“Try this,” she held out a bottle for me to smell.
“That’s nice.” It had a soft floral scent that wasn’t overwhelming.
“You should get it.” She handed it to me and found the matching shower gel and a bottle of perfume. “Every girl wants to smell pretty.”
“Is this some sort of subtle way to tell me that I stink?”
She laughed.
“No, I just think you need a signature scent. Once you have that, we can work on your look.”
“My look?”
“Yeah.”
“What’s wrong with it?” She gave me a sardonic look. Okay, so I was wearing jeans that were a little too big and a ratty Train t-shirt, but who cared? It was Sunday. Sunday was frumpy clothes day.
“If you want a guy to notice you, you have to put at least a little effort in. You’ve been taking too many fashion tips from your brother.” It was true that Will and I used to swap clothes when I was younger. That was before he grew like a weed and dwarfed me. I could still wear some of his shirts, though.
“Sweetie, you could have this total vintage thing if you wanted to.” I loved the vintage look, but it just seemed so out of my realm. I couldn’t wander around with Will and Simon in a pretty dress. It would just be weird.
“We could get you some skirts and some cute tops and some pumps. You could do the whole 1940’s pinup girl thing. It’s really in right now.”
“I don’t know. I don’t wear heels very often.” It wasn’t that I couldn’t walk in them, but they always seemed to give me blisters. Probably because I bought cheap-o ones from the discount stores.