Do Unto Others by Mark Clifton
she storms into the State Department with fire in her eyeand starts turning things upside down, it'll be my fault--somehow," hesaid miserably.
"So let her put some clothes on some natives," I said. "She'll go awayhappy and then, for all you care, they can take 'em off and burn 'emif they insist on going around naked. Just swing with the punch, man.Don't stand up and let 'em knock your block off. Surely you have someinfluence with the natives. I don't hear any war drums, any tom-toms.I don't see them trying to tear holes in the sides of your bubble tolet the air out. You must be at peace with them. You must have somekind of mutual cooperation. So just get a tribe or so to go along withthe idea for a while."
He looked at me and shook his head sadly. Sort of the way Aunt Mattieshook her head after a conference with my psychiatrist. But Johnnydidn't seem somehow happier. He had a pretty good chest, but it didn'tlook enormous enough to carry any burden.
"I've been pretty proud of myself," he said. "After five years ofdaily attempts, and after using everything I ever learned in schoolcourses on extraterrestrial psychology, plus some things I've made upmyself, I established a kind of communication with the natives--if youcould call it communication. I'd go out in my spacesuit into theirchlorinated atmosphere, I'd stand in front of one of them and talk ablue streak, think a blue streak. After about five years of it, one ofthem slowly closed his eye and then opened it again. I invited one ofthem to come inside the bubble. I told him about the difference inatmosphere, that it might be dangerous. I got one of them to come in.It made no difference to him."
"Well, fine, then," I said. "Just get some of them to come in again,let Aunt Mattie put some clothes on them, and everybody's happy."
He stood up suddenly.
"Take a walk with me, Hap," he said. It was more of a command than aninvitation. "Over to the edge of the bubble. I want to show you somenatives."
I was willing.
On the way around to the back of the building, over the crunchingsalt, I had a thought.
"If all he did was close an eye," I said. "How did you learn theirlanguage, so you could invite him inside, explain about theatmosphere?"
"I don't even know they have a language," he said. "Maybe he learnedmine. I used to draw pictures in the salt, the way they taught us atschool, and say words. Maybe it took him five years to put thethoughts together, maybe they don't have any concept of language atall, or need it. Maybe he was thinking about something else all thosefive years, and just got around to noticing me. I don't know, Hap."
We came around the edge of an outbuilding then to an unobstructed viewof the bubble edge. Even through dark glasses he'd cautioned me towear with a gesture, as he put on another pair for himself, the scenethrough the clear plastic was blinding white. Scattered here and thereon the glistening salt were blobs of black.
"Why," I exclaimed. "Those are octopi. I suppose that's what thenatives use for food? I've wondered."
"Those _are_ the natives," he answered, drily.
By now we were up to the plastic barrier of our bubble and stoodlooking out at the scene.
"Well," I said after some long moments of staring. "It will be achallenge to the D.T.'s, won't it?"
He looked at me with disgust.
"What do they eat?" I asked. "Salt?"
"I don't know if they eat," he said. "Can't you get it through yourthick skull, man, that these things are alien? Completely alien? Howdo I know?"
"Well you must know some things after five years of study. You musthave observed them. They must get food somehow, they must sleep andwake, they must procreate. You must have observed something."
"I've observed the process of procreation," he answered cautiously.
"Well fine, then," I said. "That's what's going to concern Aunt Mattiethe most."
"Here's something that may help you understand them," he said, and Ifelt a bit of the sardonic in his voice, a grimness. "When that onevisited me inside here," he said. "I took him into my office, so Icould photograph him better with all the equipment. I was explainingeverything, not knowing how much he understood. I happened to pick upa cigarette and a lighter. Soon as I flipped the lighter on, he shotup a tentacle and took it out of my hand. I let him keep it, ofcourse. Next day, when I went outside, everyone of them, as far as Icould see in the distance, had a lighter, exactly like the one I'dgiven him. Furthermore, in a chlorinated atmosphere, without oxygen,those lighters burned normally. Does that help you to understand thembetter?" he asked with no attempt to hide the heavy irony.
I didn't have a chance to answer because we both heard a crunching inthe salt behind us. We turned about and there was Aunt Mattie and hertwo committee women behind her also now in dark glasses. I waiteduntil the ladies had come up to us, then I waved my arm grandly at thescene beyond the plastic.
"Behold the natives in all their nakedness, Aunt Mattie," I said.Then, to soften the blow it must have been, "I'm afraid somebody waspulling your leg when they reported it to the D.T.'s."
Miss Point gasped audibly.
Mrs. Waddle said, "Shocking!"
I couldn't tell whether it was the sight of the natives, or my remarkwhich indicated I knew they had legs to pull.
For the first time in my life I saw uncertainty in Aunt Mattie's eyesas she looked, startled, at me, and then at Johnny. Then her chinsquared, her back straightened still more, the shelf of her bosomfirmed.
"It really won't be too much of a problem, girls," she said. "Actuallysimpler than some we've solved. Take a square of cloth, cut a hole inthe center for that headlike pouch to come through where its eye is,put in a draw string to cinch it up tight, above those--ah--thoseprotuberances, and let it flow out over those--ah--legs. Simple, andquite attractive, don't you think?"
The girls nodded happily, and Johnny just stood there gasping forbreath.
* * * * *
It was simpler than any of us had thought.
Johnny looked at me desperately when Aunt Mattie told him to have oneof the natives come in so she could fit a pattern on it, to see if anygussets would be needed for fullness--whatever gussets might be.
"One of them came inside before," I said in answer to Johnny'spleading look. "Ask him again. If he refuses, Mohammed will go to themountain. I'm sure you have extra space suits. I'm sure the ladieswon't mind going out to the natives if the natives won't come tothem."
"I don't know," Johnny said miserably. "He may have had sufficientcuriosity to come inside once, but not sufficient to bring him inagain. You see, ladies," he turned to them desperately. "They don'tseem to care about us, one way or the other."
The two committee women looked apprehensively at Aunt Mattie. Not tocare about her, one way or the other? This was beyond comprehension.But Aunt Mattie was equal to it.
"Very well," she said crisply. "We shall not ask them to come to us.We shall go to them. It is our duty to carry enlightenment to theignorant, wherever they may be, so that they can be taught to care. Inthe performance of our duty, we have no room for pride. We shall goto them, humbly, happily."
We did, too.
By the time we'd got into space suits and through the bubble lock outinto the ordinary landscape of Capella IV, Capella, the sun, wassinking rapidly.
"We will just have time," Aunt Mattie said crisply, through theintercom of our suits, "To set the pattern and get some idea of thesizes needed. Then tomorrow we can begin our work."
Through his face plate I got a look at Johnny's wide, apprehensiveeyes.
"Ladies," he said desperately. "I must warn you again. I've nevertried to touch one of them. I don't know what will happen. I can't beheld responsible."
"You have been most remiss, young man," Aunt Mattie said sternly. "Butthen," she added, as if remembering that he had gone to a properschool, "you're young. No doubt overburdened by nonsensical red tapein your administrative duties. And--if you had done this already,there'd be no reason for my being here. I am always willing to helpwherever I'm needed."
All five of us marched
silently, and bravely, on after that. A hundredyards brought us to the first native. It lay there, spread eagled ineight directions, on the salt. In the center of the tentacles therearose a column of black rubbery flesh, topped by a rounded dome in thecenter of which was one huge liquid black eye. There was not a twitchof a tentacle as we came to a halt beside it.
"Is this the one you talked to, Johnny?" I asked.
"How should I know?" he asked bitterly. "I never knew
"So let her put some clothes on some natives," I said. "She'll go awayhappy and then, for all you care, they can take 'em off and burn 'emif they insist on going around naked. Just swing with the punch, man.Don't stand up and let 'em knock your block off. Surely you have someinfluence with the natives. I don't hear any war drums, any tom-toms.I don't see them trying to tear holes in the sides of your bubble tolet the air out. You must be at peace with them. You must have somekind of mutual cooperation. So just get a tribe or so to go along withthe idea for a while."
He looked at me and shook his head sadly. Sort of the way Aunt Mattieshook her head after a conference with my psychiatrist. But Johnnydidn't seem somehow happier. He had a pretty good chest, but it didn'tlook enormous enough to carry any burden.
"I've been pretty proud of myself," he said. "After five years ofdaily attempts, and after using everything I ever learned in schoolcourses on extraterrestrial psychology, plus some things I've made upmyself, I established a kind of communication with the natives--if youcould call it communication. I'd go out in my spacesuit into theirchlorinated atmosphere, I'd stand in front of one of them and talk ablue streak, think a blue streak. After about five years of it, one ofthem slowly closed his eye and then opened it again. I invited one ofthem to come inside the bubble. I told him about the difference inatmosphere, that it might be dangerous. I got one of them to come in.It made no difference to him."
"Well, fine, then," I said. "Just get some of them to come in again,let Aunt Mattie put some clothes on them, and everybody's happy."
He stood up suddenly.
"Take a walk with me, Hap," he said. It was more of a command than aninvitation. "Over to the edge of the bubble. I want to show you somenatives."
I was willing.
On the way around to the back of the building, over the crunchingsalt, I had a thought.
"If all he did was close an eye," I said. "How did you learn theirlanguage, so you could invite him inside, explain about theatmosphere?"
"I don't even know they have a language," he said. "Maybe he learnedmine. I used to draw pictures in the salt, the way they taught us atschool, and say words. Maybe it took him five years to put thethoughts together, maybe they don't have any concept of language atall, or need it. Maybe he was thinking about something else all thosefive years, and just got around to noticing me. I don't know, Hap."
We came around the edge of an outbuilding then to an unobstructed viewof the bubble edge. Even through dark glasses he'd cautioned me towear with a gesture, as he put on another pair for himself, the scenethrough the clear plastic was blinding white. Scattered here and thereon the glistening salt were blobs of black.
"Why," I exclaimed. "Those are octopi. I suppose that's what thenatives use for food? I've wondered."
"Those _are_ the natives," he answered, drily.
By now we were up to the plastic barrier of our bubble and stoodlooking out at the scene.
"Well," I said after some long moments of staring. "It will be achallenge to the D.T.'s, won't it?"
He looked at me with disgust.
"What do they eat?" I asked. "Salt?"
"I don't know if they eat," he said. "Can't you get it through yourthick skull, man, that these things are alien? Completely alien? Howdo I know?"
"Well you must know some things after five years of study. You musthave observed them. They must get food somehow, they must sleep andwake, they must procreate. You must have observed something."
"I've observed the process of procreation," he answered cautiously.
"Well fine, then," I said. "That's what's going to concern Aunt Mattiethe most."
"Here's something that may help you understand them," he said, and Ifelt a bit of the sardonic in his voice, a grimness. "When that onevisited me inside here," he said. "I took him into my office, so Icould photograph him better with all the equipment. I was explainingeverything, not knowing how much he understood. I happened to pick upa cigarette and a lighter. Soon as I flipped the lighter on, he shotup a tentacle and took it out of my hand. I let him keep it, ofcourse. Next day, when I went outside, everyone of them, as far as Icould see in the distance, had a lighter, exactly like the one I'dgiven him. Furthermore, in a chlorinated atmosphere, without oxygen,those lighters burned normally. Does that help you to understand thembetter?" he asked with no attempt to hide the heavy irony.
I didn't have a chance to answer because we both heard a crunching inthe salt behind us. We turned about and there was Aunt Mattie and hertwo committee women behind her also now in dark glasses. I waiteduntil the ladies had come up to us, then I waved my arm grandly at thescene beyond the plastic.
"Behold the natives in all their nakedness, Aunt Mattie," I said.Then, to soften the blow it must have been, "I'm afraid somebody waspulling your leg when they reported it to the D.T.'s."
Miss Point gasped audibly.
Mrs. Waddle said, "Shocking!"
I couldn't tell whether it was the sight of the natives, or my remarkwhich indicated I knew they had legs to pull.
For the first time in my life I saw uncertainty in Aunt Mattie's eyesas she looked, startled, at me, and then at Johnny. Then her chinsquared, her back straightened still more, the shelf of her bosomfirmed.
"It really won't be too much of a problem, girls," she said. "Actuallysimpler than some we've solved. Take a square of cloth, cut a hole inthe center for that headlike pouch to come through where its eye is,put in a draw string to cinch it up tight, above those--ah--thoseprotuberances, and let it flow out over those--ah--legs. Simple, andquite attractive, don't you think?"
The girls nodded happily, and Johnny just stood there gasping forbreath.
* * * * *
It was simpler than any of us had thought.
Johnny looked at me desperately when Aunt Mattie told him to have oneof the natives come in so she could fit a pattern on it, to see if anygussets would be needed for fullness--whatever gussets might be.
"One of them came inside before," I said in answer to Johnny'spleading look. "Ask him again. If he refuses, Mohammed will go to themountain. I'm sure you have extra space suits. I'm sure the ladieswon't mind going out to the natives if the natives won't come tothem."
"I don't know," Johnny said miserably. "He may have had sufficientcuriosity to come inside once, but not sufficient to bring him inagain. You see, ladies," he turned to them desperately. "They don'tseem to care about us, one way or the other."
The two committee women looked apprehensively at Aunt Mattie. Not tocare about her, one way or the other? This was beyond comprehension.But Aunt Mattie was equal to it.
"Very well," she said crisply. "We shall not ask them to come to us.We shall go to them. It is our duty to carry enlightenment to theignorant, wherever they may be, so that they can be taught to care. Inthe performance of our duty, we have no room for pride. We shall goto them, humbly, happily."
We did, too.
By the time we'd got into space suits and through the bubble lock outinto the ordinary landscape of Capella IV, Capella, the sun, wassinking rapidly.
"We will just have time," Aunt Mattie said crisply, through theintercom of our suits, "To set the pattern and get some idea of thesizes needed. Then tomorrow we can begin our work."
Through his face plate I got a look at Johnny's wide, apprehensiveeyes.
"Ladies," he said desperately. "I must warn you again. I've nevertried to touch one of them. I don't know what will happen. I can't beheld responsible."
"You have been most remiss, young man," Aunt Mattie said sternly. "Butthen," she added, as if remembering that he had gone to a properschool, "you're young. No doubt overburdened by nonsensical red tapein your administrative duties. And--if you had done this already,there'd be no reason for my being here. I am always willing to helpwherever I'm needed."
All five of us marched
"Is this the one you talked to, Johnny?" I asked.
"How should I know?" he asked bitterly. "I never knew