Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
And so, Senor, I would like your grace to take responsibility for righting this wrong, either by persuasion or by arms, for according to what everyone says, your grace was born into this world to redress grievances and right wrongs and come to the aid of those in need; your grace should keep in mind that my daughter is an orphan, and well-bred, and young, and possessed of all those gifts that I have mentioned to you, for by God and my conscience, of all the maidens that my mistress has, there is none that can even touch the sole of her shoe, and the one they call Altisidora, the one they consider the most elegant and spirited, can't come within two leagues of my daughter. Because I want your grace to know, Senor, that all that glitters is not gold; this little Altisidora has more vanity than beauty, and more spirit than modesty, and besides, she's not very healthy: she has breath so foul that you can't bear to be near her even for a moment. And then, my lady the duchess...But I'd better be quiet, because they say that the walls have ears."
"By my life, what is wrong with my lady the duchess, Senora Dona Rodriguez?" asked Don Quixote.
"With that oath," responded the duenna, "I must respond truthfully to what I have been asked. Senor Don Quixote, has your grace seen the beauty of my lady the duchess, her complexion that resembles a smooth and burnished sword, her two cheeks of milk and carmine, the sun glowing on one and the moon on the other, and the elegance with which she treads, even scorns, the ground, so that it looks as if she were scattering health and well-being wherever she goes? Well, your grace should know that for this she can thank God, first of all, and then the two issues5 she has on her legs, which drain the bad humors that the doctors say fill her body."
"Holy Mary!" said Don Quixote. "Is it possible that my lady the duchess has those drains? I would not believe it if discalced friars told me so, but since Senora Rodriguez says it, it must be true. But from such issues in such places there must flow not humors but liquid amber. Truly, now I believe that this incising of issues must be important for one's health."
As soon as Don Quixote had finished saying this, the doors of his room banged open, and Dona Rodriguez was so startled that the candle dropped from her hand, and the room was left like the inside of a wolf's mouth, as the saying goes. Then the poor duenna felt her throat grasped so tightly by two hands that she could not cry out, and another person, with great speed, and without saying a word, raised her skirts, and with what appeared to be a slipper began to give her so many blows that it was pitiful; although Don Quixote was near her, he did not move from the bed, and he did not know what it could be, and he remained still and quiet, even fearing that the thrashing and the blows might be turned on him. And his was not an idle fear, for when they had left the duenna bruised and battered--she did not dare even to moan--the silent scourgers turned on Don Quixote and, stripping him of the sheet and bedspread, pinched him so hard and so often that he could not help but defend himself with his fists, all of this in the most remarkable silence. The battle lasted almost half an hour; the phantoms left, Dona Rodriguez picked up her skirts, and, groaning over her misfortune, went out the door without saying a word to Don Quixote, who, sorrowful and pinched, confused and thoughtful, was left alone, where we shall leave him, desiring to know which perverse enchanter had done this to him. But that will be told in due course, for Sancho Panza is calling us, and the harmonious order of the history requires that we respond.
CHAPTER XLIX
Regarding what befell Sancho Panza as he patrolled his insula
We left the great governor angry and annoyed at the sly painter of a farmer who had been instructed by the steward, and the steward by the duke, to ridicule Sancho; but he stood his ground with all of them even though he was foolish, unpolished, and plump, and he said to those who were with him, and to Dr. Pedro Recio, who had come back into the room once the secret matter of the duke's letter was concluded:
"Now I can really understand that judges and governors must be, or should be, made of bronze so they won't feel the demands of petitioners, who at all hours and in every season want them to listen and attend only to their petitions, and to take care of them come what may; and if the poor judge doesn't listen to them and take care of them, either because he can't or because it isn't the time set aside for giving audiences, then they curse him and slander him and gnaw at his bones and even have things to say about his family. Foolish, thoughtless petitioner, don't be in a hurry; wait for the right time and occasion to make your petition; don't come when it's time to eat or sleep, for judges are flesh and blood, and they must give to their natures what they naturally demand, except for me; I don't give mine anything to eat, thanks to our Dr. Pedro Recio Tirteafuera, here present, who wants me to die of hunger, and who claims that this kind of death is life; may God grant the same to him and to all those of his kind: I mean bad doctors; the good ones deserve palms and laurels."
All who knew Sancho Panza were amazed to hear him speak so elegantly, and they did not know how to account for it except for the fact that serious offices and responsibilities either strengthen the mind or make it torpid. Finally, Dr. Pedro Recio de Aguero de Tirteafuera promised to give him supper that night, even if that exceeded all the aphorisms of Hippocrates. This made the governor happy, and he waited very impatiently for night and the supper hour to arrive, and although time, it seemed to him, stood still, not moving from the spot, yet the longed-for moment arrived, and for supper he was served a salpicon 1 of beef with onion, and some stewed calves' feet that were a little past their prime. He gave himself up to all of it with more pleasure than if they had served him partridges from Milan, pheasants from Rome, veal from Sorrento, quail from Moron, or geese from Lavajos, and during his supper he turned to the doctor and said:
"Look, Senor Doctor, from now on don't bother about giving me delicate or exquisite things to eat, because that will drive my stomach out of its mind: it's used to goat, beef, bacon, dried meat, turnips, and onions, and if by some chance it's given palace dishes, it gets finicky, and sometimes even sick. What the butler can do is bring me what are called ollas podridas, 2 and the more rotten they are, the better they smell, and he can pack them and fill them with anything he likes as long as it's food, and I'll thank him for it and repay him someday; but don't let anybody try to trick me, because we either are or we aren't: let's all live and eat in peace and good friendship, because when God sends the dawn, it's dawn for everybody. I'll govern this insula without forsaking the law or taking a bribe, and let everybody keep his eyes open and tend to his own affairs, because I want you to know that the devil makes trouble everywhere, and if you give me a chance, you'll see marvels. And if you turn into honey, the flies will eat you."
"Certainly, Senor Governor," said the butler, "your grace is correct in everything you have said, and I offer, in the name of all the insulanos of this insula, to serve your grace with all promptness, love, and benevolence, because the gentle form of governing that your grace has shown from the very beginning does not allow us to do or think anything that would redound to your grace's disservice."
"I believe that," responded Sancho, "and they would be fools if they did or thought anything else. And I say again that care should be taken with my feeding and the feeding of my donkey, which is what matters and is most important in this business; when it's time we'll go on patrol, for it's my intention to clear this insula of all kinds of filth, as well as people who are vagrants, idlers, and sluggards, because I want you to know, my friends, that shiftless, lazy people are to the nation what drones are to the hive: they eat the honey that the worker bees produce. I intend to favor those who labor, maintain the privileges of the gentry, reward the virtuous, and, above all, respect religion and the honor of the clergy. What do you think of this, my friends? Have I just said something or am I racking my brains for nothing?"
"Your grace has said so much, Senor Governor," said the steward, "that I'm amazed to see a man as unlettered as your grace, who, I believe, has no letters at all, saying so many things full of wisdom and good counsel,
Night arrived, and the governor had supper with the permission of Dr. Recio. They prepared to go on patrol, and the governor went out with the steward, the secretary, the butler, the chronicler who was charged with recording his deeds, and so many bailiffs and scribes they could have formed a medium-size squadron. Sancho was in the middle of it, holding his staff, and it was a sight to see, and when they had gone down a few streets they heard sounds of a dispute. They hurried to the spot and found only two men fighting; seeing the law approach, the men stood still, and one of them said:
"Here, over here, in the name of God and the king! How can you allow people to be robbed in the middle of town and assaulted in the middle of the street?"
"Calm down, my good man," said Sancho, "and tell me the reason for this fighting, for I am the governor."
The other man said:
"Senor Governor, I'll tell you as briefly as I can. Your grace should know that this gentleman has just won more than a thousand reales in the gambling house across the way, God knows how; I happened to be present, and going against the dictates of my conscience, I judged more than one doubtful play in his favor; he left the game with his winnings, and though I expected him to give me at least an escudo as a tip, which is usual and customary for important men like me, who determine if things have been done well or badly, and confirm if there has been an injustice, and avoid disputes, he put his money in his pocket and left the house. I came after him, indignant, and with kind and courteous words I asked him to give me even eight reales, for he knows I'm an honorable man and have no money and no work because my parents didn't leave me anything or teach me a trade, and this scoundrel, who's a bigger thief than Cacus and a bigger cheat than Andradilla,3didn't want to give me more than four reales, and now your grace can see, Senor Governor, how little shame he has, and how little conscience! By my faith, if your grace hadn't come by, I would have made him give up his winnings and taught him a good lesson."
"What do you say to this?" asked Sancho.
And the other man responded that what his adversary said was true: he had not wanted to give him more than four reales because he had given him that amount many times, and those who expect a tip have to be well-mannered and take what is given to them with a smile, and not demand explanations from the winners unless they know for certain that they are cheats and their winnings are ill-gotten gains; and as a sign that he was an honest man and not a thief, as the other man said, there was no better proof than his not wanting to give him anything, because cheats always have to pay tribute to the onlookers who know them.
"That's true," said the steward. "Senor Governor, your grace will have to decide what ought to be done with these men."
"What ought to be done is this," responded Sancho. "You, the win-ner, good, bad, or indifferent, must give your opponent a hundred reales, and another thirty to the poor men in prison; and you who have no money and no work and are not needed on this insula, take the hundred reales and leave this insula by tomorrow; you're banished for ten years, and if you come back before then, you'll finish your sentence in the next life, because I'll hang you from the gallows, or at least the hangman will, on my orders; and let no one reply or he'll feel my hand."
One man paid, the other received, the latter left the insula, the former went home, and the governor remained, saying:
"Now, either I'm mistaken or I'm going to close down these gambling houses, because it seems clear to me that they're very harmful."
"Your grace won't be able to close down this one, at least," said a scribe, "because it's owned by a very important person, and what he loses every year at cards is incomparably more than what he wins. Your grace can show your power against other gambling dens of less distinction, which are the ones that do more harm and harbor more outrages; in the houses of highborn gentlemen and nobles, the notorious cheats don't dare to use their tricks, and since the vice of gambling has become so widespread, it's better to gamble in distinguished houses than in those of workmen, where they keep a poor wretch for half the night and skin him alive."
"Now, Scribe," said Sancho, "I know there's a lot to say about this."
At that moment a constable came up to them, holding a young man, and he said:
"Senor Governor, this lad was coming toward us, and as soon as he saw that we were the law, he turned his back and began to run like a deer, a sign that he must be a criminal. I went after him, and if he hadn't tripped and fallen, I never would have caught him."
"Why were you running away?" asked Sancho.
To which the young man responded:
"Senor, to avoid answering all the questions that constables ask."
"What's your trade?"
"A weaver."
"And what do you weave?"
"The iron tips of lances, with your grace's kind permission."
"Are you being funny with me? Are you proud of being a joker? Fine! Where were you going now?"
"Senor, to take the air."
"And where do you take the air on this insula?"
"Wherever it blows."
"Good: your answers are right to the point! You're clever, boy, but you should know that I'm the air, and I'm blowing at your back and sending you to prison. You there, seize him and take him away, and I'll make him sleep without any air tonight!"
"By God!" said the young man. "Your grace will make me sleep in prison when you make me king!"
"And why can't I make you sleep in prison?" responded Sancho. "Don't I have the power to arrest you and let you go whenever I want to?"
"No matter how much power your grace has," said the young man, "it won't be enough to make me sleep in prison."
"You think so?" replied Sancho. "Take him right now to the place where he'll see the truth with his own eyes, no matter how much the warden tries to use self-interested generosity with him; I'll fine the warden two thousand ducados if he lets you take one step out of prison."
"All this is laughable," responded the young man. "The fact is that every man alive today won't make me sleep in prison."
"Tell me, you demon," said Sancho, "do you have an angel who'll take you out and remove the irons that I plan to put on you?"
"Now, Senor Governor," the young man responded with great charm, "let's use our reason and come to the point. Suppose, your grace, that you order me taken to prison, and there I'm put in irons and chains, and placed in a cell, and the warden will suffer great penalties if he lets me out, and he obeys every order you give him; even so, if I don't want to sleep, and stay awake the whole night without closing my eyes, is all your grace's power enough to make me sleep if I don't want to?"
"No, of course not," said the secretary, "and the man has proven his point."
"Which means," said Sancho, "that you wouldn't sleep simply because it's your will not to, not because you want to go against mine."
"No, Senor," said the young man, "I wouldn't dream of that."
"Well then," said Sancho, "go with God back to your house to sleep, and may God give you a sound sleep, for I don't want to rob you of that, but I do advise that from now on you don't mock the law because you may come across a constable who'll take the joke out of your hide."
The young man left, and the governor continued on his patrol, and in a little while two constables came along holding a man, and they said:
"Senor Governor, this person who looks like a man isn't one, she's a woman, and not an ugly one, and she's dressed in men's clothes."
They raised two or three lanterns up to her eyes, and in their light they saw the face of a woman who seemed to be sixteen years old, or perhaps a little older, with her hair caught up in a net of gold-and-green silk, and as beautiful as a thousand pearls. They looked at her from head to toe and saw that she was wearing stockings of scarlet silk, with gart
Sancho was amazed at the girl's beauty, and he asked her who she was, where she was going, and what had moved her to dress in those clothes. She, her eyes lowered in modesty and shame, responded:
"I cannot, Senor, say publicly what it has been so important for me to keep secret, but I want one thing understood: I am not a thief or a wicked person, but an unfortunate maiden forced by the power of jealousy to break with the decorum owed to modesty."
Hearing this, the steward said to Sancho:
"Senor Governor, have these other people move away so the lady can say whatever she wishes with less embarrassment."
The governor so ordered, and everyone moved away except the steward, the butler, and the secretary. When they were alone, the maiden continued, saying:
"Senores, I am the daughter of Pedro Perez Mazorca, the tax collector for wool in this village, who often comes to my father's house."
"This doesn't make sense, Senora," said the steward, "because I know Pedro Perez very well, and I know he has no children, male or female, and besides, you say he's your father and then you add that he often comes to your father's house."