Fighting to Breathe by Aurora Rose Reynolds
“Even if you just want to talk about how hot Austin is.” She smiles and my stomach flutters. Last night after dinner, Austin walked me out to Keith’s car, once again leaning in and brushing his mouth against my cheek, leaving me wanting more, before opening the door and shutting it when I was buckled in. I don’t know what all of it means, but I’m trying to do what Rhonda suggested and let it flow.
“Thank you. Thank you for not only taking care of my mom, but for being such a good friend to me.”
“When I moved home, it wasn’t under the best circumstances, and I didn’t have any friends, so I’m happy to be that for you.”
I tilt my head to the side, studying her for a moment. “When you have time, I want to hear all about it.”
“There’s an ex-boyfriend and a lot of unnecessary drama involved.”
“Then Ben,” I say softly, and her face changes as her hand goes to her stomach.
“Then Ben. I wasn’t expecting him.”
“Life is crazy sometimes.”
“It is.” Her smile gets bigger and a twinkle appears in her eyes. “Now, I better go. I have one more stop before I head home. Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will.” I step back as she gets into her truck then wave as she drives off. When I get back into the house, Mom is sitting at the kitchen table with a notepad in front of her, which she closes up before I can see what she’s writing.
“Austin will be here soon,” I remind her, while pouring myself another cup of coffee.
“I’m not going with you.”
“Mom,” I sigh.
“You guys go, then come back and tell me all about it.”
“I hate leaving you alone.”
“I know there will come a time when I won’t be able to be alone, but that time is not now.”
“Are you sure?” I ask then laugh at the look on her face. “Fine, do you want me to bring you anything from town?”
“No,” she mutters then looks toward the door when the sound of a car pulling up travels into the house. “He’s here.” She smiles and butterflies erupt in my stomach.
“I’ll see you in an hour or so.” I lean down, kissing her cheek. “Call if you need me to come home before that.”
“Don’t expect a call,” she says, handing me my bag and pushing me towards the door. When I step out onto the front porch, Austin is already out of his truck. I meet him halfway, and when I get close enough, he leans in, kissing my cheek, which I love, but hate. I want so badly to turn my head and catch his mouth with mine, but fear has me placing my hand on his arm, giving it a squeeze.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Yep,” I reply, and he leads me to the truck then helps me inside before jogging around the front and sliding in behind the wheel.
“How’s your mom?” he asks, cutting through the silence.
“Honestly, I don’t know.” I tuck some of my loose hair behind my ear. “She seems like herself. Her energy is a little lower, but I swear if I didn’t know she’s sick, I would assume this is all just a bad dream. I didn’t even know she was in pain until yesterday, when we went to the doctor. Her pain is a seven out of ten. That’s bad, and I had no idea. She acts like everything is fine,” I say then inhale a deep breath. I hadn’t been expecting to tell him all of that, but it felt right somehow, sharing with him what’s going on.
“I’m sorry, baby. I know this isn’t easy for you.” He reaches over, wrapping his hand around mine, his words and touch wrapping around me settling deep.
“I just hate that my mom is going through this.”
His hand gives mine another squeeze, but he doesn’t say anything. I want to ask him what happened with him and my mom, but I don’t think I can get the words out. It’s almost like deep down I don’t want to know why they seem to be so stand-offish with each other.
When we start heading towards the Manderville house, my heart starts to beat wildly in my chest, but then tappers off when we turn right onto a dirt road that leads closer to the water, where there are three small buildings attached side-by-side. When the truck comes to a stop, I take in the area. The buildings are up on a cliff that overlooks the sound and is surrounded by forest. I know I will never get to live in the Manderville house, but having an office here would be a close second.
“How much is he asking for it?”
“Six-hundred thousand.”
“Wow.”
“I know. He and his wife lived comfortably. She didn’t work, and they had three kids who all went out of state to college. It’s a lot of money, but this town has a lot of businesses and a lot of people who are looking for an accountant.”
“I have some money saved,” I say, turning my head to look out the window. I’m unsure about what the future holds, but the more I think about it, the more something deep inside me tells me to settle here to give this a real chance.
“Larry should be inside.” He releases my hand, which I didn’t even realize was still in his grasp but now that it’s gone I miss it. Once he’s out of the truck, I follow his lead, taking off my seatbelt and opening my door. I go to hop down and my hand slips from the bar, and I cry out as I fall forward, but then breathe a sigh of relief when I don’t feel the hard ground, but Austin’s arms wrapping around me.
“Thanks,” I mumble against his shirt.
“Don’t remember you being this klutzy before.”
My head tilts back to look at him. He’s so close that I can see even the small brown speckle in his left eye that stands out against the blue.
“I wasn’t…at least I don’t think I was,” I murmur. His gaze drops to my mouth as I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and shift my weight, fighting myself from leaning up on my tiptoes.
“Well, are you coming in, or are you gonna stand out there all day?”
I peek around Austin and see an older gentleman wearing a flannel shirt and jeans, with his head poking out the door, looking at us with a smile on his face. Austin growls something under his breath then takes my hand and leads me to the open door.
“Larry, this is Lea. Lea—Larry,” Austin introduces us, releasing my hand and placing his at the small of my back.
Smiling, I reply, “Nice to meet you.”
“You too, doll, and I’m sorry about your mom.”
“Thank you,” I say quietly, and he nods then steps aside. Right then, I know—without even looking around—I want it. The space isn’t huge, but there’s a large floor-to-ceiling window that looks out over the sound. It’s not Manderville house, but it’s definitely gorgeous. I walk to the window, look out at the ocean, and smile, and then turn in a circle. The walls are all freshly painted, and there’s an open door to what I can see is a bathroom, then three large bookshelves that line one wall, along with two tall, metal filing cabinets.
“The shelves and cabinets stay with the space.”
“Are you selling outright, or have you thought about renting?”
“Selling, we’re moving to Florida. My old bones can’t take anymore Alaskan winters,” he replies.
“Have you had any offers?”
“Haven’t even put it on the market. I just finished painting a few days ago, and I’m putting in new floors this weekend,” he says, and I look down at the old, dingy carpet under my feet. “I got linoleum; figured its better stuff to handle all the water around here.”
“That’s good. What are the utilities like?”
“Around three hundred a month in the winter, close to nothing in the summer months.”
“Are you willing to negotiate on the price?”
“What are you talking?” He leans back, crossing his arms over his chest, so I mimic his stance.
“Fifty thousand off, and you pay closing costs,” I tell him, and he looks at Austin and shakes his head.
“How soon can you close?” he asks.
“I just need to talk to the bank.”
“You get the loan, and you’ve got a deal, doll.”
“Really?” I ask
“Really.”
“Holy shit!” I practically yell then cover my mouth. Larry chuckles, and when I look at Austin, he’s wearing a very proud smile—a smile I’m familiar with, one he used to give me often. “Thank you, Larry.” I stick my hand out toward him and he shakes his head, pulling me in for a hug.
“Tell your mom I say hi.”
“I will,” I tell him as I pull away.
“Be good.” He pats Austin’s back, earning some kind of grumble from him that makes Larry laugh again.
Once we leave, I’m on such a high that I don’t even realize where we’re going until we head around a bend in the road and pull up in front of the Manderville house.
I had gone to the house once with my dad when I was young. The owners at the time ordered fish for a party they were having, and my dad took me with him to deliver it. I remember thinking then that it was a mansion, and seeing it now, I wasn’t too far off. The house had to be five thousand square feet, the bottom half open and on stilts, so you could park a boat, or a car if you didn’t feel like using the garage.
“I still can’t believe you bought this place.”
“I remember you telling me about the view, so when it came on the market, I had to see it for myself.” He runs a hand over his head then looks out the window, lowering his voice. “I put in an offer that day, full price. I wasn’t even really looking for a house, but knew I couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by.”
“I’m happy for you. You deserve good things,” I tell him quietly as my chest burns. His head turns my way and I see hurt in his eyes that has me swallowing over a lump in my throat. I want to ask him for forgiveness, but I don’t want to ruin the progress we’ve made by bringing up the past. Plus, there’s a deep fear that he won’t forgive me when I do apologize.
“You do too, Lea,” he says quietly then opens his door, gets out, and then turns around, placing the upper part of his body into the cab. “Wanna come see what I’ve done?”
“Absolutely.”
“Slide on out this way, babe,” he tells me. Instead of asking why, I scoot across the long seat then set my legs out the door so he can help me down, which he does with his hands around my waist, his body so close to mine that I can feel every inch of him as he lowers me to the ground.
“They’re working on the kitchen now.” He leads me up a set of stairs onto a large deck, where I stop at the top, just so I can take in the view. Even though the view at Larry’s office is nice, this is ten times better.
“It’s more beautiful than I remember,” I say, leaning into the rail in front of me then tilting my head back, letting the sun warm my skin, and the smell of the ocean and sounds of the birds take over my senses.
“It is.” I turn to look at Austin and his eyes are on me. There is something there; it’s different than anything I have seen before, but no less special. “You want the tour?”
I nod, unable to speak, and follow him into the house through a set of sliding glass doors that lead right into an open kitchen. The floor plan is open, giving you a view of the entire first floor, except for what’s behind a few closed doors. The cabinets are all white, and the walls are a dusty blue that sets off the backsplash of multicolor tiles in shades of beige, brown, and blue. The countertops are rustic looking granite, with large veins running through it, and separating the kitchen from the living room is a long island, which is big enough to sit six comfortably.
I make my way slowly from the kitchen into the living room, where floor-to-ceiling windows frame the view, a view that is exactly as I remember it, so many years ago. The ocean is just feet away, and on each side, large pieces of land jut out into the water. The view alone would sell this house. I could see big, oversized couches with large throw pillows in this room, surrounding the fireplace that has rocks of different shapes and sizes, making it look like someone went down to the water and gathered them by hand. I would spend hours in front of that fireplace, with a book, or just a blanket wrapped around me while I enjoyed the view.
“The bedrooms are upstairs.”
I pull my gaze away from the view and follow him up a set of stairs that blends in with the decor seamlessly, until we reach the second floor landing. The area is open, with another great view, and a pathway that leads to one door on one side and three on the other. I know without asking that the side with the one bedroom is the master, and follow behind him as he opens the door. The space is empty and has two windows, with not a view of the sound, but a view of town from above. Not as breathtaking as the living room, but amazing in itself. It almost gives you a feeling of being the ruler of the town below.
“The bathroom in here is one of my favorite parts of the house,” he confesses.
“Really? If I lived here, I would spend my days downstairs in front of the fireplace,” I inform him without thinking.
He smiles and mutters, “But you haven’t seen the tub.”
When the door of the bathroom opens, I’m awestruck. The large tub sits high in the room, with stairs leading to it, overlooking a window with a view of the sound. Off to the side is a glass-enclosed shower, so if you wanted to watch your partner take a bath while you showered, you could.
“Okay, I would spend my time between the two.” I smile, walking up the three steps, and then stepping down into the tub and leaning back.
“Figured you’d like that.” He grins leaning against the door jam and I smile back, while something inside me coils deep, causing pain. I will never have this. There will never be a time when I would be taking a bath and Austin would come in to shower, or when I would ever be able to laze on the couch downstairs by the fire, watching the ocean, waiting for him to get home. This isn’t my life, and I know deep down it will be someone else’s. Austin had grown up while I was gone, matured, became an even better man, and there would be someone who’d fight to be with him, someone he would fight to be with.
“This is so beautiful. You’ve done an amazing job,” I say, the words choking out of me. I need to be strong. He’s my friend, and when the time comes for him to fall in love, I will try my hardest to show the same care he’s shown me the last few days. “I should probably get home to Mom. I really hate leaving her for too long,” I tell him as I duck my head, step out of the tub, and down the three steps until I’m standing almost in front of him.
“Are you okay?” His head tilts to the side like he’s studying me, his eyes raking over my features like they will give him some unknown answer.
“Yeah, just a lot on my mind.” I smile, and his eyes drop to my mouth and a frown forms on his.
“Anything I can help with?”
“I don’t know,” I reply stupidly.
“Talk to me.” He reaches forward and his hand wraps around mine.
“Seeing the office at Larry’s just made me feel kind of guilty. It feels wrong to be planning a future, when I know my mom’s is coming to an end,” I tell him a half-truth. Seeing his future in front of me is killing me.
“You’re gonna live, baby. I know it’s hard to accept right now, but when your mom’s gone, you’re still going to be here, so if you have a plan in place starting now, it will make it easier when the time comes.”
I know he’s right, but standing here in his future life, I wish ours were intertwined.
Chapter 7
Lea
Three weeks. Three weeks is all it took for everything to change for my mom, who had been so strong, to take a turn for the worse. And even though I made myself believe I was ready to face the loss of her head-on, nothing could have prepared me for it happening in front of me.
“Hey.”
I look at Rhonda and feel a fresh wave of tears spring to my eyes. I would have been lost without her, Ben, and Austin. “Hi,” I say softly then feel her arm slide around my back and her head lean on my shoulder.
“She’s comfortable,” she mutters solemnly.
Three weeks ago, I came home from my day out with Austin and told her everything. We talked about Larry’s office, how it was perfect, and that I had put in an offer for it. I told her about Austin’s house, how much work he had done, and how beautiful it was. We talked about my dad, and I knew we had both come to terms with his loss. We talked about a lot over the last three weeks, but every day, I noticed her energy depleting, which would cause her to spend more and more time in bed, until two days ago, when I went into her room to wake her up for lunch and she wouldn’t budge.
I tried everything within my power to get her to wake up and got no response. I wanted so badly to call an ambulance, but knew the care plan Mom and Rhonda set up specified to call Rhonda, so I did. I don’t even know what I said in that moment. I don’t even know if anything I said made sense, but Rhonda must have understood, because she showed up soon after, while I was still trying to wake her. I had no idea how quickly things could change, how fast things could go downhill.
“I’m so sorry,” Rhonda says, bringing me out of my thoughts.
“Me, too.” I silently cry while watching as one of the nurses place a fresh codeine patch on Mom’s upper chest then tucks her blankets back around her.
“I’ll be here until seven, so just press the alarm if you need me,” says Liv, the hospice nurse that has been assigned to my mom, giving me a soft smile.
“Thank you, Liv.” I give her hand a squeeze before she walks out of the room.
“I know she wanted to be home, but this will be much easier for you, and for her,” Rhonda says as I make my way to the side of the bed.
“I think it’s better this way. I don’t think I could stay there after knowing she passed away in the house,” I say, feeling guilty.
“That’s understandable, Lea, and you have a right to your feelings,” she says quietly, but I still feel guilty about it, about not giving her everything she wanted.
“Thank you for getting everything put in place with the hospital.” Since Mom was supposed to be home, they had to move around a few of the patients at the hospital so she could have her own room while she is here.