Finding Parker by Scott Hildreth
Often when there’s scent or soft aroma I enjoy, I’ll attempt to take a shallow breath to savor it even more. Invariably, the scent disappears in my eager effort to inhale it – a simple reminder of the fact that some things happen naturally, and if we attempt to force them, they’ll simply fade away. I believe the natural scents of this earth come as a gift from God, evidence when we need it the most, of his existence. When we need a reminder, he provides. If we attempt to obtain them through coercion, we question his existence; and they disappear.
“There’s a fresh pitcher of tea here, and I must say it’s even better than the last,” Kenton’s voice was soft, almost as if he were speaking to a child.
I loosened my grip on the handrail and closed my eyes, hoping for the scent of the beach to return. As I listened to the seagulls singing their songs along the beach, I became one with them, flying over the ocean without a single thought. My wings spread, the soft breeze keeping me afloat above all of the others, I soared.
“Are you hungry yet?” Parker asked.
I opened my eyes and gripped the handrail tightly for a brief second as I took an aggravated shallow breath. As I released my grip, I turned to face the table where Kenton, Parker, and now Downes were seated. Downes smiled as I looked up. Kenton and Parker’s faces were both filled with signs of wonder.
My mother began dying a slow death, one I was certain to be much more rapid than typical, the day my father died. I further believe a part of her died each and every day she lived without him. He was, at her admittance, her only love. She had never loved before, and certainly didn’t after. In retrospect, the painkillers she became reliant upon provided her ability to eliminate the pain associated with his absence from our lives.
As time passed, I grew older and she became more tolerant to the effects of the pills, requiring more of them to provide shelter from the pain. Her realization of my growth was a constant reminder that one day I too may fall in love, and move forward with my life, leaving her in pain and alone. Her death was inevitable, not a matter of if, but a matter of when.
I feel sorrow for my mother no longer being in my life, but I am not sorry she has moved on. I am of the belief she can now, in mind and possibly in spirit, be with the man she loved – living a life she would be incapable of living on this earth.
“Are you hungry yet?” Parker asked again.
“You two are driving me fucking nuts,” I snapped.
“Who? These two?” Parker asked as he motioned to Downes and Kenton.
“No, Parker. You and Kenton. Jesus. Victoria, do you want this? Victoria do you want that? Can I get you anything? Do you need anything? How do you feel? Did you sleep well last night? No. No. No. No. Great. And not exactly,” I said as I began walking their direction, shaking my head in disbelief as I approached.
“It’s because we care,” Parker sighed.
“And I know you care. I do. You don’t have to prove it. My mother’s dead, and I’m okay with it. Can you two be okay that I’m okay? Kenton, you’re mother’s dead. Parker, yours is too. But I’m not coddling you, trying to force you to drink another gallon of tea hoping it will drown the pain,” I rolled my eyes and flopped into the chair across the table from where Parker and Kenton were seated.
“Are you in pain?” Parker asked.
“No. Jesus fucking Christ. I’m not in pain, Parker. I’m the opposite, I’m in love. I want to hug and kiss and lay with you in my arms, not wallow in non-existent grief. Please, for the love of God, stop. Accept the fact that I believe, and I truly do,” frustrated, I paused and ran my hands through my hair.
“My mother is in a better place. I know that sounds cheesy or cliché or whatever, but I believe that. I don’t believe it because it’s easy or because it’s a way for me to get by without coping with her death. I believe it because I believe it – deep down in my core of beliefs. Or whatever. Fuck. How about Downes and I go make you two grieving pricks a sandwich and get you another gallon of tea?” as I finished speaking, I realized I was standing again.
Parker and Kenton’s faces filled with shock, they sat with their mouths agape. Downes sat quietly, unsuccessfully fighting an urge to smile. Still rather frustrated, but feeling quite satisfied with my speech, I smiled, tilted my head, and tossed my hair. As I alternated glances between Kenton and Parker, I gripped the edge of the table with my hands and raised my eyebrows slowly.
Silence.
“Based on your silence, I assume we’re done with this discussion?” I asked as my eyes darted back and forth between Kenton and Parker.
Kenton stood slowly, rubbing his lower back as he appeared to wince in pain.
As he opened his arms, he smiled, “My back is killing me, come here and give me a hug, my dear,”
I stepped to where he stood and wrapped my arms around him. As he held me in his arms, a light citrus scent of his unidentifiable cologne filled my nostrils. He always smelled the same, clean and soft. After a long moment, he leaned away, kissed the top of my head, and pressed his hands against my shoulders.
“I love you, Victoria,” he said, smiling as he finished speaking.
“I love you too,” I replied.
And I truly did.
I lowered my face into his chest and allowed him to hold me again. I had truly come to love Kenton. He was an unselfish man with unselfish ways. According to Parker, Kenton had lived a miserable life of self-importance years ago. Now, however, no signs of his former life remained. His allowing Parker and me to come and go from his home as we wished provided me with a sense of satisfaction I had never previously known. As my relationship with Parker developed, Kenton’s home had slowly become my home away from home. Now, it seemed to be my only home. The view of the ocean was magnificent, and I frequently found comfort staring out into its endlessness.
As he held me in his arms, he rocked back and forth lightly on his heels. Slowly, my frustration faded away. Lost in the comfort of Kenton holding me, my breathing became shallow and without effort.
And my nostrils flared as the scent of the beach returned.
PARKER. Although I viewed my relationship with Victoria as being without fault, I found myself wanting more. The desire was not driven by greed or feeling of necessity for something I wasn’t receiving, but solely by my love for her and the gratification I felt in – and out of – her presence. I was beginning to wonder if the feelings which would have developed naturally were accelerated by the absence of her mother, and Victoria’s need for someone to accompany her through the course of merely living life.
Either way, I continued to feel as if what I was providing Victoria was insufficient. Feelings of inadequacy filled me in Victoria’s absence; and in her presence, I was fulfilled. I had truly come to believe living a life without her was not a viable option. Incapable of seeing much, if any, benefit from continuing at the pace we were currently living our life of love, I opted to sit with the man who had proven to have all of the answers, and speak freely.
“But I don’t want you to chastise me for my thoughts. I want to speak until I’ve exhausted myself before you chime in with whatever your beliefs may be, good or bad,” I sighed.
“Agreed, you have my word. Is everything okay, son?” Kenton asked.
“Yes, quite alright. Just let me think for a minute, I’m flustered and nervous,” I muttered as I pressed myself deeper into the loveseat.
I glanced around the room and thought of how to begin. The comfort I felt sitting in this room was unbelievable, especially considering the first time I entered it, I was afraid to even sit down. The same room where Kenton and I had shared our first sandwich together had become a second home for Victoria and me. Our invasion into Kenton’s home, albeit invited, caused me to consider recommending he replace his front door with a revolving one.
Kenton leaned into the arm of the overstuffed chair which was, in my mind at least, his. Everything else in the living quarters of his home had, over time, become ours. Looking around the room, gratitude for
As I wallowed nervously in the seat, I remembered my grandmother’s advice.
If you have something you feel a need to say, simply say it. Anything more causes you to look foolish and indecisive.
“I want to marry Victoria,” I blurted.
That didn’t quite come out like I had planned.
Kenton jumped from his seat as if he’d been electrocuted.
Wait a minute, I need to back up, let me explain.
Almost immediately, he covered his mouth with his hand and began to bounce up and down. He resembled a four year old boy who desperately needed to pee and couldn’t find a place to do so. As he continued to bounce, his mouth still covered by his hand, I began to wonder if he was alright.
“Well, say something. Are you alright?” I asked as I sat up in the loveseat.
Instantly, he pulled his hand away from his mouth, “Can I speak? You’re done? Open discussion time?”
I inhaled deeply, and spoke upon exhaling, “I uhhm. I suppose...”
“Yes,” I said nervously.
“Say it again, slowly,” he said as he held his visibly shaking hands at his side.
“Say it again? What?” I asked, confused.
“What you said about Victoria. Say it again, please, slowly,” he said excitedly.
Now feeling more nervous than before, I wondered if he misunderstood what I had previously said. I lowered myself into the seat and cleared my throat.
“I, uhhm. I want to marry Victoria,” I said softly.
He began to bounce again.
And then he screamed a blood curdling scream.
“Downes! Get in here, we have an announcement. Parker has an announcement. Parker and I have an announcement. Hurry the fuck up!” he screamed.
I had never heard Kenton curse that I could recall. I wasn’t really ready to talk to Downes regarding this matter, I felt as if there needed to be more one on one time with Kenton. Although I was proud of what Victoria and I had and how I felt, I wasn’t prepared to tell the world, at least not just yet. Kenton, on the other hand, obviously felt much differently.
“No. No Downes. Not yet, Kenton,” I shook my head lightly as I stood from my seat.
I no more than spoke, and Downes rushed into the room.
“What is it, Mr. Ward?” his eyes darted throughout the room as if they were on swivels.
“False alarm,” Kenton huffed.
With all of the bouncing, Kenton was clearly out of breath. Still in shock over the cursing, screaming, Kenton’s level of excitement, and not being certain of what his actual thoughts were regarding my announcement, I stood nervously and smiled.
“Mr. Ward? I think I’ll go see a movie if it’s alright,” Downes raised his eyebrows and spoke in a stern tone.
“Oh Christ, seriously? Uhhm. Jesus, Downes, my memory has escaped me…,” Kenton paused, placed his hands on his thighs, and stared at the floor.
Still heaving for his next breath, Kenton looked up and smiled, “Five Easy Pieces.”
“Very well. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” Downes sighed, turned toward me, and smiled.
After Downes exited the room, Kenton rolled his eyes and sat down into his chair as he attempted to catch his breath. As his breathing slowed, he took a deep breath, exhaled, and grinned. Confused, I stood and stared at Kenton.
“At Downes insistence, we agreed to have a phrase only he and I would know. If he asked and I didn’t provide the answer, he would know I was in truly in trouble. With all of the screaming and such, I’m certain he developed wonder. Okay, where were we?” Kenton asked as he began to rub his palms together.
I walked to the loveseat and lowered myself into the cushion. Proudly, I sat up in my seat and arched my back. After clearing my throat lightly and pausing for effect, I spoke.
“I said I wanted to marry Victoria.”
He looked down into his lap and raised his hands to his face. After a moment, he looked up and used his index finger to wipe tears from his face. After alternating from cheek to cheek several times, he stopped crying and wiped his hands on his shorts.
“My apologies for the outburst earlier, I was excited. Now that things have settled, let me see,” he hesitated and rubbed his palms back and forth rapidly.
“Fatherly advice. You need fatherly advice. Let me collect my wits. Dear God, I’m making a fool of myself. Parker, you’ve made me a mess,” he sighed as he stood from his chair.
Slowly and methodically, he began to pace the room.
“Something as sacred as marriage should always be done as a result of what one feels in their heart, and never out of feelings of necessity or sorrow,” he stopped pacing and looked in my direction.
“I love her, Kenton. That will never change. It won’t fade, either. I’m certain,” I responded proudly.
“Splendid, she’s a fine woman. None finer, I’ll say. Not a one,” he smiled.
He began to pace again as he thought.
“Although in this day and age people seem to view it differently, marriage is a commitment for life, Parker. The union between the two of you will never be perfect. There will be times when you’ll naturally want to walk out. Throw in the towel, so to speak. Everyone has them,” he stopped pacing and raised his hand to his chin.
As he rubbed his chin between his index finger and thumb, he began to speak again.
“Surrender in marriage is not an option, Parker. It’s certainly not. Communication is instrumental for a relationship to flourish. You must help her come to understand there will never be anything short of an open line of communication between you. No repercussion for speaking one’s mind, ever.”
“Understood, and I agree,” I nodded.
“Monogamy, Parker. A monogamous relationship is the only relationship that has the ability to last. If you stray from this marriage, mark my words, I’ll…” his voice filled with anger as he spoke.
“It’ll never happen. You have my word,” I interrupted before he finished speaking.
“When a man gives his word, he holds the world’s perception of himself in his own palm,” he faced me and pressed his hands into the pockets of his shorts.
“Kenton, she’s the one,” I hesitated and thought of the analogy Kenton had told me several months prior regarding playing cards.
I stood from my seat and cleared my throat. Kenton continued to stand in the center of the room, his hands pressed deeply into the pockets of his shorts. As I stood from my seat, he tilted his hear rearward and waited for what I chose to stand and offer him. I lowered the tone of my voice and attempted to mimic Kenton.
“You must know, and know you must, when to hold your cards close to your chest and say, I’ll risk it all. Being so certain that what you’re holding is right. That it is, without a doubt, the clear winner. So sure that you’re willing to risk it all, everything you have, knowing you have a winner in your hands,” I paused and smiled.
“Kenton, I’m all in. I’m willing to bet it all. And rest assured, I’ll treat her with nothing but honor,” I said proudly.
“When a man treats a woman with honor, it is a testament to the honor of the woman who raised him. I’m sorry I never had an opportunity to meet your grandmother. You make me proud, son,” he said as he opened his arms.
As I opened my arms and stepped toward him, he lurched forward and lifted me from my feet.
“May I go with you to pick out the ring?” he asked as he squeezed me tightly in his arms.
“I suppose so,” I coughed as he patted me sharply on the back with his hand.
As he broke the embrace, he raised his hand to his face again, wiping a tear from his cheek. To my surprise, I had yet to shed a tear during this discussion. Remarkably, it had gone much better than expected.
“May I call Downes, now?” Kenton asked.
“Absolutely,” I smiled.
“Downes,” Kenton hollered.
After a brief wait, Downes
“Pull the B7 from the garage, please,” Kenton smiled.
“The B7, Mr. Ward?” Downes asked.
Kenton nodded eagerly, “Yes sir.”
I knew enough about Kenton and his cars to know the B7 was his prized possession as far as cars were concerned. It was a two year old BMW sedan which he had only driven roughly one thousand miles over the course of his ownership. The car cost approximately one hundred and sixty thousand dollars new. To say he drove the car on special occasions was an understatement.
“Special occasion, Mr. Ward?” Downes asked.
Kenton looked my direction and raised his eyebrows slightly. I nodded my head once, authorizing him to make the announcement.
“We’ll be shopping for a ring, Downes, of the diamond variety. And to be honest, I’m too damned excited to drive. Care to?” Kenton asked as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his shorts.
“I’d be honored,” Downes nodded his head toward Kenton then turned my direction, “I couldn’t be more pleased, Mr. Bale.”
“Thank you,” I smiled.
As Downes walked from the room to retrieve the car, Kenton continued to nervously pace back and forth across the floor.
“Have you decided when and where you’ll propose?” he asked.
I smiled and nodded my head eagerly.
“I have an idea and I think it just might be perfect…”
“Do tell,” he said, his voice filled with excitement.
“You’ll find out soon enough,” I smiled.
And soon enough he would.
VICTORIA. As a child, I couldn’t compare myself to other girls, because I wasn’t like other girls. From the time I was a young, I always stood out as being different – stronger, unafraid, faster, taller, more able, and unwilling to accept the phrase I am a girl as an ending to any type of sentence that started with I can’t because.
I have never been afraid of the dark, had any fears or suffered from any phobias that I can recall. Clowns, spiders, snakes, and bugs have never caused me to scream and run the other direction. Many times I’ve seen girls or women scream toward the closest available male well, do something with it! when they encountered a bug, spider or snake. I never had the luxury of being able to ask someone to do something with a bug or spider.