Finding You by Kelly Elliott

  Knowing I had taken the Ativan and the Valium, guilt washed over my body. I was desperate for sleep and the hot bath had only relaxed me some. I’d never taken both before but the feeling of almost instant relaxation was too good to pass up.

  Looking away from my mother, I pressed my lips together. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Taking my hand, my mother attempted to squeeze it. She was growing weaker by the day. “You go say you’re sorry to Grace.”

  Capturing her eyes with mine, I smiled as I nodded my head. “Yes ma’am.”

  Leaning over, I kissed her gently on the cheek before making my way through the house to find Grace.

  Hearing her in the kitchen, I made my way there. Instantly, I could tell she was distant.

  “Hey,” I whispered. Grace had been whipping eggs together in a bowl when I walked into the kitchen. Stopping, she turned and looked at me.

  “There is one thing you better learn about me now, Noah. I will not be treated like a doormat.”

  “I didn’t mean to treat you that way. I’m sorry if I made you feel like that, Grace.”

  Worrying her bottom lip, Grace glanced down. “How many pills did you take?”

  “What?” I asked, even though I heard her question.

  Grace looked at me as we stared into each other’s eyes. “Pills, Noah. How many of them did you take? You were knocked out for two days.”

  “I’m not a child, Grace, and I don’t need looking after. I know how many prescription pills to take.”

  Walking by her, I reached for the coffee pot, only to have Grace grab my arm. Narrowing her eyes, Grace stared at me. “I will not stand by and watch you become dependent on those pills.”

  Letting out a nervous chuckle, I said, “I’m not dependent on them, Grace.”

  “Then tell me how many you took, Noah,” Grace said as her eyes turned glassy.

  “I took one Ativan. I hadn’t been sleeping but a few hours a night. It must have all caught up to me. I guess knowing you were here, I felt relaxed knowing my mother was okay.”

  Grace continued to stare at me and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back the truth from her. “And one Valium. I also took a Valium.”

  Closing her eyes, Grace slowly shook her head. “Noah, you can’t do that ever again. Promise me you won’t do that again.”

  Seeing the love in her eyes, and hearing the concern in her voice, I did just what she asked. “I promise, Grace. I won’t ever take them both together again.”

  Grace smiled as she reached up and kissed me. “We’re going to do this together. You and me. You’re not alone. You don’t need the pills.”

  Placing my hand behind her neck, I pulled her lips to mine as I kissed her. Grace’s kisses were always my weakness. She tasted of pure honey. It wasn’t long before Grace was turning off the stove and I was picking her up to carry her upstairs.

  “Make love to me, Noah,” Grace spoke against my lips.

  Before we made it to the stairs, the front door opened and Angela walked in. Stopping in my tracks, I quickly set Grace down. Angela’s face turned red as she nodded at us and quickly walked by. “I’ll just be heading on back to check on, Mrs. Bennet.”

  Peeking over to Grace, I watched as she shot daggers at Angela the entire time she walked through the house. Turning back to me, her hands went to her hips and she let out a huff. “I told her to give me her key, but she wouldn’t. She said you told her you needed her to have it in case you didn’t hear her at the door.”

  “It’s hard, Grace. When I do finally fall asleep, I’m out and I’m only tuned in to my mother’s voice. There have been plenty of times Angela has had to bang on the door and call the house for me to let her in.”

  Something moved across Grace’s face and I wasn’t able to read it. Before I was able to say anything to her, she walked by me and back into the kitchen. Frowning, I turned and followed her. “Are you mad?” I asked as she turned the stove back on.

  Without looking at me, Grace shook her head. “This is your house, Noah. You need to do what you feel is right and safe for your mother. I’m not mad; I’m upset that we were interrupted. I was looking forward to being with you.”

  Smiling, I walked up behind Grace and pulled her against my body. She needed to feel how much I was disappointed myself.

  “I promise I’ll make it up to you later, Grace.”

  Turning around, Grace smiled as she wrapped her arms around my neck. “You bet your ass you’re going to make it up to me.”

  Lifting an eyebrow, I asked, “What did you have in mind?”

  Angela cleared her throat and Grace dropped her arms and spun back toward the stove.

  “Excuse me, Noah. Your mom is asking for more morphine. When I was talking to her, she seemed to be getting confused very easily.”

  My heart felt as if it stopped beating.

  “I noticed that earlier as well,” Grace said in almost a whisper.

  Angela looked down and cleared her throat again before glancing back up at me. “Noah, I think we’re now looking at a matter of days. Her pain is growing worse and the more morphine we give her . . . well . . . you know this because we’ve talked about it.”

  Nodding my head, I swallowed hard as Grace took my hand in her hand. “Do I need to call Emily?”

  Angela took in a deep breath and pushed it back out quickly. “I can’t be sure. It could be another two weeks, or it could be another two hours.”

  Sucking in a breath of air, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. My whole body felt as if it was slowly beginning to shut down.

  “At the very least, I think you need to let her know. I’m going to go sit in there for awhile. I’d like to watch her breathing for a bit more.”

  Nodding my head, I fought to find the words to speak. It felt as if my world seemed to slow down. I wasn’t sure what to do.

  How would I be able to go on without my mother?

  “Noah, why don’t you go on in with your mom and Angela and I’ll finish making breakfast.”

  Looking directly at Grace, it felt as if I was seeing through her and staring out into a vast land of nothing.

  Grace took a step closer to me and cupped my face with her hands. “Noah, look into my eyes.”

  Doing as she asked, I was immediately taken with her soft hazel eyes. “Reach deep down inside of you, Noah. You have the strength . . . you just need to find it. Your mother needs to know you’re going to be okay.”

  Closing my eyes, I asked, “Will I be okay?”

  My body came to life as I felt Grace’s lips softly touch mine. “Yes, because I’m going to be right here with you. I’ll be your strength, Noah.”

  Grace’s words penetrated my mind and my heart. I knew she was right. My mother wouldn’t want me falling apart. I needed to be strong for her. To show her it was okay to leave the pain behind.

  Placing my hand over Grace’s, I leaned my head into her hand. “Thank you, Grace.”

  Giving me a wink, Grace quickly kissed me and then dropped her hands and went back to cooking.

  Walking out of the kitchen, I slowly made my way back to my mother. Stopping right outside the door, Angela looked at me. “If she falls into a coma, she’ll still be able to hear you. Don’t be afraid to talk to her. We find with most patients they wait until their loved ones say goodbye. Once she knows you’re going to be okay, she’ll move on.”

  Move on.

  Balling up my fists, I closed my eyes. I didn’t want my mother to move on. She needed to be here watching as my relationship with Grace grew to something more. Marriage. A family.

  She needed to be here.

  “Noah? Are you hearing what I’m saying to you?”

  Nodding, I pulled out my phone and found Emily’s number. “I’ll be right in. I’m calling my sister.”

  Angela nodded and opened the door. I peeked into the room and saw my mother sleeping. She looked like an angel. You’d never be able to tell that the cancer was destroying her a little bit more each
day.

  Hitting Emily’s number, I held my breath and waited for her to answer.

  “H-hello. Noah, is everything okay?” I knew every time the phone rang Emily was on edge. Each time I’d delivered a normal update. This time I had to tell my baby sister that our mother was going to die soon.

  And only God knew when.

  Grace

  Sitting on the sofa in the living room, I rubbed the palms of my hands down my jeans again. Noah and Emily were in with their mother. Lisa had held on for another few weeks, but had taken a drastic turn for the worse. Every time I left for school, I prayed that Noah wouldn’t be here alone if it happened. Each night I came home, Noah took an Ativan and slept for a few hours. I was scared to death at the little amount of sleep he was living on. Plus the fact that I wasn’t sure how long he had been taking the Ativan. The longer he stayed on it, the worse it would be to stop taking it.

  Glancing over to my right, I looked at all the boxes I’d brought with me from College Station. I’d gone back to College Station this past weekend to help Alex and Will pack up the house. It was Thanksgiving break and after that, it was two more weeks of school and then finals. Commencement was December eighteenth. After that, I had no idea what I was going to do. Did I stay here with Noah and wait? Or did I go to Mason and start helping Alex with our new flower nursery?

  Standing up, I let out a long drawn-out sigh. My phone went off as I looked to see it was text from Alex.

  Alex: Everyone wishes you were here, but we understand.

  Feeling tears build up in my eyes, I squeezed them shut. “Please don’t let her die on Thanksgiving. Please.” I prayed as I hit reply.

  Me: I’m scared, Alex. I don’t know what this is going to do to Noah.

  Alex replied almost within seconds.

  Alex: He’s going to fall apart, Grace. Just be there to catch him.

  Smiling, I ran my finger over the text message. If anyone knew what it was like to lose a part of them, it was Alex.

  Me: Alex, I love you. Have Will kiss your tummy!

  Alex: I love you too. I certainly will. Your mom would love a call I’m sure.

  Sighing, I dropped my phone down to my side. I hadn’t talked to either of my parents since I moved in with Noah. I wanted desperately to call her. My father was furious with me because I moved out of the house in College Station and in with Noah. My mother was more understanding. She didn’t like that I was adding more stress to my life, but she got why I was doing it.

  My finger hovered above the number as I tried to decide what to do. Pulling my hand back, I looked for another number.

  Only ringing twice, Meagan promptly answered.

  “Hey, is everything okay? I’m driving back to Austin right now.”

  Grinning, I sat back on the sofa and pulled my knees into my chest. “Hey. No, Meg. It’s not okay. Hospice said she only has a few hours left to live. Noah and his sister have been in with her for the last two hours. I don’t know if I should stay out here or go inside.”

  “Is she in a coma?” Meg asked.

  My eyes burned as I fought to control my tears. “Y-yes.”

  “Grace, you need to go in. You need to be a part of this. To say goodbye and let Noah’s mother know you’re going to be there for him. I’m about forty minutes away. I have Noah’s address plugged into my GPS. I’ll text before I get there.”

  Nodding my head, even though I knew she could see me. I mumbled, “O-okay. Be careful.”

  There was a slight sniffle on the other end of the phone. I knew Meagan wasn’t used to hearing me sound so defeated. I wasn’t used to hearing it myself.

  “I will be, sweets. See you soon.”

  “Okay.”

  Hitting End, I stood up and took in a few deep-cleansing breaths. Closing my eyes, I dug deep down inside to find the strength I knew I needed.

  Opening my eyes, I made my way to the room. I knocked softly on the door as I opened it. My eyes looked between Noah and Emily and I couldn’t help but notice how defeated Emily looked. Noah stood next to his mother as he spoke softly into his mother’s ear.

  Quickly glancing to my left, I saw Angela. She wiped a tear away and gave me a sweet smile. I’d come to really like her in the last few weeks. Her heart was beyond amazing and I felt foolish for the jealousy that raced through my body when I first met her.

  Giving her a questioning look, she nodded and mouthed, “Almost time.”

  Swallowing hard, I turned back to Lisa. I’d never experienced something like this before. Everyone I had loved and was close to was still alive. I had no way of knowing what Noah and Emily were experiencing as they watched their mother slowly begin her journey home.

  Noah must have seen me from the corner of his eye. Lifting his head, he smiled so big, I had to place my hands on my stomach. His face lit up and he motioned for me to come to him. Knowing that just merely me being here for him caused such a reaction did insane things to my heart and stomach.

  Walking up to the side of the bed he was on, I held my breath. “Grace, I’m so glad you came in. I was saying goodbye to, Mom.” Turning, Noah leaned down a little bit further. “Mom, Grace is here. Grace is here with me, Mom.”

  Emily covered her mouth in an attempt not to cry. My eyes caught hers and I was overtaken with how sad she looked. My heart broke even more.

  Looking back at Noah, he motioned for me to talk to his mother as he backed away from the bed. “I’ll be right back. Em, let’s go grab a drink of water.”

  Panic set in as I realized Noah was leaving me alone with his mother. Frozen in place, I tried to open my mouth in protest to beg him not to leave me alone with Lisa. Nothing came out. Not even the breath of air I was still holding in.

  Angela walked up to me and whispered, “It’s important to Noah, therefore it’s important to Lisa for you to say your goodbyes.”

  Nodding my head, I turned and stepped into the spot Noah had been. My eyes searched Lisa’s face. She seemed to be sleeping peacefully. Her breathing had settled and now it was as if she was perfectly fine. I watched as her chest rose up slowly, then slowly released. My heart raced when it didn’t rise back up as fast as I thought it should. I knew her body was slowly shutting down. Bit by bit, she was letting go.

  Reaching for her hand, I couldn’t help but suck in a gasp as I felt how cold it was. “Hi Lisa, it’s me, Grace. I totally forgot to bring the latest gardening book with me. I’m sure you are wondering about how we are going to get that spring garden ready.”

  My body slumped and I rolled my eyes. Jesus H. Christ. Did I really just say that? The poor woman is dying and I cracked a joke. A stupid one at that. Looking over my shoulder at Angela, I couldn’t help but notice she was chuckling. Motioning for me to keep talking, I turned back to Lisa.

  “I might as well go ahead and confess this. I’ve never been known for telling a good joke.”

  Lisa’s hand jerked under mine. She can hear me. She knows what I’m saying to her.

  “There will always be a part of me that will wish we could have gotten to know each other better. After all, we both love the same man. I think we would have been wonderful friends. Lisa, I need you to know that I’m going to be Noah’s strength. I promise you. He’s going to be lost for a bit . . . I know this. But I won’t leave his side. I’ll fight for him when he has no fight left. Did Noah tell you he asked me to marry him? I will say this though, he isn’t terribly romantic. He asked me in the backyard, while I was digging up a hole to plant some lettuce.”

  Lisa’s hand moved slightly again as I gently squeezed it back. “He claimed it was his practice run, and that he had something more grand planned. Here’s to hoping.”

  Angela giggled behind me as I bit hard on my lower lip to gain control of my shaking voice. Dragging in a deep breath, I fought to try and figure out how to say goodbye to Lisa. I wanted more than anything for her to stay with us. For Noah and I to tell her we were engaged. To tell her she was going to be a grandmother and see her hold our child
for the first time.

  This isn’t fair.

  Closing my eyes, I let my tears fall. Angela’s hand rested softly on my shoulder as it squeezed ever so slightly. Giving me just the strength I needed to keep talking.

  Opening my eyes, I smiled as I continued to talk to Lisa. “I know you’ll always be here for Noah and Em, I strongly believe that. There won’t be a day that goes by that they won’t miss you or think about you, Lisa. But they also don’t want to see you in pain anymore. It’s okay to let go. They’re both ready, and they will be okay. They’re hurting more now watching you suffer.” Lifting Lisa’s hand, I gently kissed the back of it.

  “I swear to you, I’ll take care of them both. I swear.”

  The door to the bedroom opened as I glanced over and saw Noah, Emily, and Grayson walk in. Grayson gave me a weak smile. Noah had called him yesterday and Grayson said he would be on the next plane out. Even though Noah had only been in Grayson’s life off and on growing up, they had grown close these last four years.

  “Hey, your favorite nephew, Gray, is here,” I said as I stood up and stepped back so Noah, Emily, and Grayson could stand around Lisa.

  Grayson wiped away a single tear that had managed to escape and make its way down his face. Leaning over, Grayson kissed her forehead and gently spoke, “Aunt Lisa, I love you. I’ll miss you but I swear, I won’t let Noah become a male stripper.”

  The room erupted in laughter. It was a magical thing to hear. When everyone finally settled down and the room became quiet, Lisa opened her eyes. My breath caught in my throat as I stood back and watched. Lisa looked at Grayson first, then Emily, and finally Noah. Angela grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

  This must be it.

  Lisa stared at Noah for a few moments before turning her head and looking straight up at the ceiling.

  After a few moments, Lisa’s eyes closed . . . and she took her last breath.

  Grayson and I stood in the living room while Noah and Emily spent a few moments with their mother. Angela had made all the necessary phone calls that needed to be made.

  When my phone went off with a text, I knew it was Meagan. Rushing to the front door, I threw it open and ran outside. Meg was getting out of her Honda Accord and rushing around the front of it. Slamming into her body, I lost it. I’d never in my life cried like I cried when I saw her.