Five Portraits by Piers Anthony
The princess came to stand before them. “What can I dew for yew, visitors? I did knot see you coming, or I wood have organized better.”
“Our fault,” Astrid said quickly. “I am Astrid Basilisk, and this is the Demoness Fornax. We—”
“Oh!” Wenda exclaimed, shielding her eyes with a hand.
“…mean you no harm,” Astrid continued even more rapidly. “Jumper Spider said—”
“Jumper! Is he all right? I wood bee mortified if anything happened to him.”
“Yes, he’s fine. He said you might tell us about friendship.”
Wenda took visible stock. “Yew want to know about friendship?”
“We two want to be friends,” Astrid said. “But we have no experience, because I’m a basilisk and she’s a Demoness. So we thought you might be able to give us some advice on how to go about it.”
“Maybee I can help. But the children—”
Astrid got a bright idea. “Maybe we can help divert them while we talk. What would do that?”
“It would take a merry-go-round made of eye scream and candy. Since that is impossible—” Wenda broke off, because there it was. The platform was made of flavored ice, the horses of chocolate eye scream, and the poles they were on were edible Popsicle sticks.
The children flocked to it with screams of joy. In half a moment they were all over the horses, riding them while biting off their chocolate ears and tails and plucking out their gumball eyes. Some were even gnawing on their rock candy hooves.
“You really are a Demoness!” Wenda said, amazed.
“Yes,” Fornax said. “I’m not supposed to do much magic here, because Xanth is not my base. Don’t tell.”
“I wood knot ever tell,” Wenda agreed gratefully.
They settled down to their dialogue. “Friendship just happens, like love,” Wenda said. “When people dew things together and get to know each other. Jumper and I met and helped each other and it grew into friendship. Dew you have anything to dew together?”
“I am looking for remnants of the anti-pun virus that recently ravaged Xanth,” Astrid said. “We need to be sure all of it is gone, so that it is safe to reseed puns. But Fornax is not part of that effort. So we really don’t have anything to dew, I mean do together.”
“Then yew need something that will take yewr attention, so yew can work together. The longer yew share experiences, the more yewr friendship will develop. For example, children. They require constant attention, and can bee very trying, but are marvelously worth it in the end.”
“We’re not a couple,” Astrid said, as she had before. “But that reminds me: how did you manage to get so many children so quickly?”
Wenda laughed. “They are knot mine! I can knot have children.” She slapped her empty backside. “They are adopted foundlings who need a home.”
“Adopted!” That explained it.
“Foundlings need homes too,” Wenda said earnestly. “Otherwise they are lost. I collect any I find.” She grimaced. “But we are full up now, and can’t take any more until we manage to place some of the ones we have. It’s a problem.”
“So if we found some foundling children, we wouldn’t have to keep them, just find families for them,” Astrid said.
“Yes. Yew wood find that remarkably rewarding.”
Astrid exchanged a glance with Fornax, who of course was immune to her stare. The Demoness nodded.
“We’ll do that,” Astrid said. “Thank you, Wenda.”
“Yew’re welcome. But remember, knot all children are easy to place. It may bee a challenge.”
“We’ll remember,” Astrid said. She took Fornax’s hand, and they rose up and away.
Just in time, because the children had demolished the merry-go-round. Only a few sticks remained. The children were thoroughly gory with melted chocolate; Wenda would have an awful cleanup. But she was the type who could handle it.
“Children,” Fornax said thoughtfully as they zoomed past comets, novas, and small black holes. “Human children.”
“If we can find some,” Astrid agreed.
“It occurs to me that there may be some when Xanth ends. Their families will be killed and they will be orphans if they survive. But then they will inevitably die.”
“We must save those children,” Astrid said with sudden soul-inspired compassion. “Except that we can’t, because they don’t yet exist. They’re in the future.”
“Yes. But perhaps we can nevertheless do something. So as to have our project.”
“But time travel is impossible!” Astrid protested. “Even if we could go to the future to rescue them, we couldn’t bring them back to our own time.”
“Why not?”
“Paradox, for one thing. Those children would be in a world where their grandparents lived. They might do something to change their own lineage, and make them never come to exist. So it’s impossible.”
“Nothing is impossible, with enough magic.”
“What, can you travel back and forth in time?”
“Not by myself. But it might be possible to arrange.”
Astrid was curious despite her disbelief. “Arrange to violate fundamental laws of the universe?”
“It is not encouraged, but sometimes it happens.”
“I don’t see how.”
“Remember Demoness Eris? She has been around for some time. I know her of old. She had a fling with an anonymous Demon and got a daughter, Dysnomia, whose power is Lawlessness. Other Demons don’t associate with her much. She might appreciate becoming useful.”
“Lawlessness? How could that help us rescue any children?”
“She would not necessarily honor the laws against time travel or paradox.”
“Oh, my,” Astrid said. “You don’t think small, do you!”
“Size is irrelevant to a Demon. There are only questions of feasibility, and of course Demon Points.”
“Why do you strive so hard for Points?”
“Because they give our dreary existences a kind of meaning. We are all-powerful; anything we want to do, we do. That becomes tedious. So we contest with each other for status, and Points are marks of status. Without that we would find existence crushingly dull.”
“That never occurred to me.”
“Mortals lack time to become jaded. They are too busy just trying to survive. By the time they become surfeit, they are dead. Demons are eternal. They miss the excitement of death, the mercy of oblivion. And of course there is the matter of the soul, another factor that enhances the brief lives of mortals. So they don’t need to contest for status.”
“I think some do anyway,” Astrid said.
“They are foolish. They can’t keep status; their early deaths take it from them. So what is the point?”
“Good question,” Astrid said. “If we don’t do anything useful in our fleeting lives, there is no point.”
They came down to land again in Eris’s garden. “Did you talk with Wenda?” Jumper asked.
“We did,” Astrid said. “She recommended rescuing children. We’d like to rescue some from the future, and bring them back here to live out their full lives in relative comfort. That is the project we have decided on.”
“The future,” Eris said thoughtfully. “That would be a challenge.”
“Yes. So we may need help. We’d like to talk to Dysnomia.”
“Oh, my,” Eris said. “She is something of a black sheep, pretty wild. I have not been in contact with her for some time.”
“Can you reach her?” Astrid asked.
Eris raised a hand and snapped her fingers. Another woman appeared. She was pretty, with good features, long hair, and a nice figure, but she did indeed look wild, following no established conventions of dress or manner. “What do you want, mother dear?” she demanded dismissively.
“T
“Obese chance! I don’t care about any regular people.”
“Make on effort,” Fornax said.
Dysnomia caught the tone and looked at her. And froze. “Fornax!”
“I am not here to convert you to total energy,” Fornax said evenly. “But to enlist your aid, should you be inclined to give it.”
It was evident that this wild Demoness had some awe for Fornax, whose destructive power was surely respected even among Demons. “Make your case.”
“My mortal friend Astrid will make it.”
“Mortal friend!” Dysnomia exclaimed. “Since when did you take to slumming, SeeTee?”
SeeTee?
“The pronunciation of CT, or ContraTerrene matter, a more technical term for antimatter,” Fornax explained. “She thinks she is being contemptuous of both of us.”
Oh? Astrid removed her dark glasses and looked Dysnomia in the face. “I am a basilisk. I am not accustomed to contempt.”
“Why so you are,” Dysnomia agreed, evidently taken slightly aback. She was of course immune to the death stare, but she felt it. “You must have an interesting story.”
“I do,” Astrid agreed, restoring her glasses. “But that is not the point. If you are not going to take us seriously, there is no point in talking with you.”
Dysnomia laughed. “Now you have evoked my curiosity. Very well, I will listen.”
“We want to travel fifty years into the future, rescue some orphaned children there, and bring them back here. To do that we may need to break some laws of the universe. Such as paradox. Can you help us do that?”
“Paradox,” Dysnomia repeated thoughtfully. “That’s a tricky one. I never thought to violate that one before.”
“So its a challenge,” Astrid said. “Are you up to it?”
“Of course I’m up to it!” The Demoness paused. “I think.”
“Then join us for a planning session,” Fornax said. “We may set law-breaking history.”
“We may indeed,” Dysnomia said zestfully.
“Don’t crash the universe, dear,” Eris called as the three of them took off.
They returned to the crescent moon, biting off pieces of the crescent to chew on as they talked. “Exactly where do you have in mind collecting these children?” Dysnomia asked. “Time is one thing, but geography is another.”
“Why not in the troll’s glade?” Astrid asked. “He won’t be using it any more. It’s quite private.”
“We can go there physically,” Fornax agreed. “Then advance fifty years in time, and collect any foundling children we see, and bring them back.”
“What will we do with them once we have them?” Astrid asked. “I mean, yes they are a project, but I have very little experience with children, and can’t even be near them for long, because of my, um, perfume.”
“I have no experience,” Fornax said. “I think we’ll have to enlist the help of your friends. They should be able to advise us.”
“I will ask them,” Astrid said. “Maybe we should allow a little time. I don’t know exactly how they will react.” She hoped that was not a significant understatement. She herself had not thought of children until Wenda suggested it.
“Take the time you need,” Fornax agreed. “Meanwhile Dysnomia and I will work out our strategy for the rescue. When you are ready, just say my name.”
Thus agreed, Fornax dropped Astrid off at her camp. The others were there to welcome her back. Maybe it would be all right.
Astrid took a breath and opened her mouth to speak.
Chapter 4:
Children
“Oh, we’re so glad you’re back!” Kandy exclaimed. “We need you.”
“Uh, yes, I—”
“We have found a resurgence of the pun virus! Mitch found it when he was out exploring. We must go extirpate it immediately, before it spreads. Come on!”
And they were on their way, following Mitch. He was Tiara’s man, and his hair was as long as hers. In fact he had woven it into a shirt that he wore. Obviously he had been out looking for signs of the virus, as Astrid had. This was, after all, their primary mission. Kandy didn’t have a chance to ask them about the children. She hoped the Demon would be patient.
Kandy found herself walking beside Merge, who hadn’t made it to the troll’s cave. Merge was a pretty girl with multicolored waist-length hair, perfect features, and an outstanding body. She was actually the combination, the mergence, of five sisters who had been separate until their hair was allowed to merge. It hadn’t stopped there. She carried her Urn, which contained, or rather served as the portal, for all the pun virus antidote they would ever need to eradicate the menace. All they needed to do was locate the remaining pockets of the virus and douse them before they could spread. And now they had exactly such a pocket.
And there it was. The sign said WELCOME TO PUN VALLEY, but there were no puns in evidence, only awful smelly gunk where they had been melted. The virus was here, all right.
Merge uncorked her urn and poured out elixir. The gunk immediately shrank into dust as the virus was abolished, but it was of course too late for the puns. They had suffered cruel extinction.
They looked into the valley. It was thickly wooded, with gunk littering the ground and coating the treetrunks. What a disaster area!
“This is too big to cover piecemeal,” Merge said. “I’ll have to split up.” Whereupon she shimmered and split into five young women with different colored hair: Brown, Black, Red, Yellow, and light Blue. They were also nude, as there was only one dress and it had fallen off during the shimmer. Each had a small urn.
“Eyes front!” Tiara snapped as Mitch’s eyes wandered.
“Ditto!” Kandy said as Ease’s eyes threatened to glaze.
Astrid was relieved that she didn’t have to speak to Art. He had learned to keep his eyes in check when not actually painting nudes.
“There’s no time to fetch clothing,” Brown said. “We have to deal with the virus immediately.”
The five girls moved out, efficiently sprinkling elixir on all the sodden puns. So did the others. They were a fair-size group in all, and made good headway.
Astrid was now working beside Brown. “Your ability to separate may be a problem for a prospective male companion.”
“We know,” Brown agreed. “Yet at times, like right now, it’s useful.”
She had a point. It seemed that Kandy’s ability to become a board had spread to the others, giving them special shifting talents. She suspected that Demon Xanth had quietly enhanced their abilities, to enable them to better clean out the pun virus, because he didn’t like having his land messed up. Her recent association with Fornax impressed on her that Demons could mess in with mortal events when they chose.
Which reminded her of the matter of the children. She needed to grab an opportunity the moment it was offered.
They forged on through Pun Valley, leaving its terrain clean but spare. Xanth without puns was little better than drear Mundania.
“I am ordering a delivery of seed puns,” Pewter said. “To restore the valley to its rightful status. The delivery should be soon.”
“Our job is done,” Kandy said, mopping her grimy face. “The valley is clean, but we’re a mess. We’d better clean up. Is there a lake?”
“No lake,” Ease said. “But there’s a way.”
“Why do I suspect this has something to do with bare girls?”
“How else will you get clean?”
He had her there. “So how do we wash?”
“In pun elixir.”
They all paused. That actually made sense, to be sure that no vestige of the virus remained on them or their clothing.
“I’m a board,” Kandy said, and became the board. It was an easier way to wash
The five aspects of Merge lifted their little urns over their tousled heads and started pouring. The others stripped and ducked down to rinse off under those streams of liquid. They also soaked and wrung out their clothes and hung them up on bushes to dry. Then the five aspects did the same, pouring for each other, and merged. Merge stood there, gloriously bare, her hair scintillating in all the colors of her aspects.
Astrid noticed as they all dried in the sun how Ease, Mitch, and Art were looking, while Kandy’s board quivered resentfully, Metria smirked, Tiara frowned, and Astrid herself felt like doing some deadly staring. That girl needed to find a man soon so she wouldn’t be distracting other girls’ men. Had she had panties on, all of the men would have freaked out. As it was, they were not far from it.
There was a huge brown shadow. It squawked and a package dropped before them, almost breaking apart. Then the roc bird few rapidly on and away. It was the OOPS delivery. A careless package.
They unpacked it, finding half a myriad of shrink-wrapped puns, which expanded to full size the moment the wrap was off. There were Snow Shoes made of snow; a Yell-O Jacket that would sting anyone who put it on; a bright shining Brilli Ant; a Pine Needle that would sew curses into clothing to cause sadness in anyone who wore it; Sun Dial and Pun Dial Soap they could have used when showering; several Belts: Asteroid, Bible, Rust, Sun; a collection of useful Letters such as D-Tail, D-Fur, Fur-E, Pant-Es, Pant-Ts, Eye-V, Ear-E, Brain-E, Cheek-E, Hair-E, Vein-E, Sas-C, Sis-C; and even a Tea V drink that projected moving pictures.
Astrid had to avert her gaze before she because nauseous. She was almost tempted to jam the puns back into the box and hammer it closed. Xanth without puns was empty, but Xanth with puns could be silly. But she clamped down her gorge and got to work with the others, flinging puns right, left, and away, restoring Pun Valley to its natural state.
At last the box was empty, and the valley was recovering. Art set up his easel and started painting the scene. That was his way to relax, and his paintings were always marvelously realistic and lovely to behold.