From Another Point of View by Peter Warren
I can’t cook.
That is what my wife edicts.
Therefore, I can’t cook.
I believe she is jealous.
The French, can cook, and are the best at it of anyone anywhere which is also unreservedly and completely and wholly true of anything and everything else which is French (or English, or American, or………..)
But the French are world maestros at marketing.
They can take, for example, a bunch of wine that went off, repackage it and sell it at hundreds of times the price of wine that didn’t go off, and not only that, but they manage to rig it so that nobody else can let their wine go off and sell it as gone-off wine, which is today called Champagne (capital C).
It is the French who managed to take a bunch of water polluted with unmentionable gases that nobody wanted because it bubbled at you and burned you nose, and repackage it in a pretty green bottle that they were too cheap to make into a normal bottle with shoulders and instead made it like a tear drop, just the way it fell out of the mold and then sold the whole wide world the idea that it was chic to drink this polluted stuff that nobody in their right mind would want, and since it was chic, that everyone should pay dollars and dollars and dollars per 20oz bottle, whereas up to then, everyone in the whole wide world had thought themselves ripped off if they paid a cent more than 10 cents a TON (1,000 liters) for such stuff.
THAT, I will have you know, is REAL marketing skill.
Take your accidents and charge ten times as much for them. Brilliant.
The French are very very good at this and it is not for nothing that the top luxury brands and companies in the world are French. Nobody, but nobody, can overcharge you off as elegantly as a Frenchman can.
For example, I was in Hermes yesterday and practically tripped and broke one of their display cases when I spotted a not very large suitcase (no wheels) for 100,000 Euros (130,000 USD, provided the Fed doesn’t wreck anything else, which is likely). See? You could get a whole crocodile for $1.00 or less (nobody wants them as they bite) and these fellas take 1/25th of a croc – value 4 cents, use half tube of superglue to stick it on a suitcase that would pull you’re arm off because it is made of wood – a micro tin of black paint and Monsieur Bob’s your euro, with 99,999.15 Euros profit and every roosian in sight is green with jealously and mortification because he does not have six. Now just you tell me ANYONE else who could get away with that?
Now when it comes to food and cooking a French chef can take an object such as a pig’s foot, which, good foot though it is, has spent its life steeped in pig dung, pig spit, pig sweat, pig pee and anything and everything else which comes out of pig on a bad bristle day, and dress this up in a couple of lines of French that make you swoon just to read them, heady mental vapors of eau de deliciousness envelope you, your stomach gets out of bed in a hurry and goes into overdrive to have enough gastric juices ready for the splashdown of the expected delight, you drool all over your Hermes tie (or scarf if you are one of those), your credit card knows what is coming and goes into plastified shock and suddenly becomes unreadable – all for a piece of pig that is mostly bone and nails and spent its entire adult life marinated in pig pee. Now if that does not demonstrate complete mastery of marketing, then I’m sorry, I guess I am not smart enough for this marketing stuff.
Since the French can do this remarketing stuff with food a cat would go into paralysis over, I though I would try my hand at it and see if I could repackage and remarket unpalatable human behavior and get someone to buy it from me at about – say a thousand – times what it is worth.
Then I will know I am qualified as a French marketeer or if I have to go back and study more French pig foot recipes.
So be prepared to drool as we get started on these supremely delicious behaviours. (I’m sorry about that one, but you have to warm up your adjective machine to working temperature before you can start cooking these).
Here are the choicest dishes from my Cordon Yuk behavioral menu.
I’d like to do it in French as that is a lot more elegant, but you will have to put up with it in English so you can fully appreciate what I am nonsensing about. For a small extra charge as a deposit, of say, about as much as small size snobby car, I am prepared to forward your order to Head Office for the limited-edition French version. The waiting time is not more than six months as we need that much interest on your money in order to be interested.
ROAST GAMBLE AU MONEY JUICE WITH IRRESPONSIBILITY HERBS ACCOMPANIED BY A BOUQUET OF FRESH IMPULSION, PUREE OF UNSAVORY BANK ACCOUNT. BILLIONAIRE MELTED DREAM GATEAU WITH ICY SPINE SHIVERS. LOST AGAIN BITTER DISILLUSION CHOCOLATES. PURE FRIGHT MOUNTAIN COFFEE.
BRAISED PAIN IN THE NECK WITH EXTRACT OF FILTHY LANGUAGE, PERFUMED WITH TROPICAL EGO AND ACCOMPANIED BY MELTED OVERBEARING ATTITUDE WITH FRESH SPRING PATHETIC INSULTS.
ICED ANGRY LOOKS WITH FRESH SARCASM SPEARS ACCOMPANIED BY RIDICULOUSLY DISGUSTING SNEERS FLAMBÉ WITH CREAM OF RAISED EYEBROWS. MINTED DELIBERATE THOUGHTLESSNESSES IN AN INFUSION OF CREMATED RUDENESS.
BIG PROFIT TWISTED BRAIN, 50 PILL BOUILLON, INVENTED DISORDER TOASTS LIGHTLY BUTTERED WITH MOUTH-WATERING PSYCHIATRIST VOMIT. SYCHIATRIST BUBBLE BRAINS BAKED IN AN EXQUISITE THICK CRUST OF EANINGLESS BIG WORDS PRESENTED IN ITS WHITE LABORATORY COAT MADE ROM FRESHLY HARVESTED IGNORANCES. COMPLETELY SICK RIP-OFF CHEESE. PIN-BIN GATEAUX WITH NEST FEATHERS. DELICIOUS AFTER-DINNER CHOCOLATE OMPULSORY SEQUESTRATIONS MADE WITH UNNECESSARY SELF-SERVING BRANDY.
HORRENDOUSLY DISGUSTING VANITY PIMPLES IN SUPERIORITY SAUCE CCOMPANIED BY WHIPPED HAUGHTINESSES AND THEIR DIAMOND WATCHLETS. OOKING DOWNNOSE CHOCOLATE GABBLES.
CRÈME DA LA NUISANCE WITH EXPLOSIONS OF INFURIATING NUTS.
CROCODILE TEAR SOUP. BRAISED PURITANICAL PUSTULES IN SHOCKING SAUCE CCOMPANIED BY TOASTED EXCLAMATIONS TOGETHER WITH LITTLE REVOLTED XPRESSIONS A LA MODE. SUGAR-FREE CHOCOLATE GAS MASKS.
GOLDEN FRIED SHOW-OFF WITH ITS DIAMOND SAUCE, SERVED WITH A GLASS OF RTISANAL HOME-MADE HIGH PROOF ONE-UPMANSHIP.
CAVIAR OF OBNOXIOUSNESS SERVED WITH FRESHLY MADE SILLIES, ACCOMPANIED Y A GLASS OF PREMIUM ICED RUSSIAN STYLE PISS-OFF.
BAKED HOPELESSNESS WITH SAUCE OF DESPAIR, FRESH PAR-BOILED MISERABLES, FROZEN TEARS AND SORRY-FOR-SELF HERBS.
HEAD IN THE SAND BAKED IN A DELICIOUS GO-DOWN CRUST OF EXTREME OF STUPIDITY, FLAVORED WITH A BOUQUET OF EXCEPTIONAL IGNORANCES FRESH FROM OUR MENTAL FARMS.
BRAISED INDOLENCE WITH CREAM OF PARASITISM ACCOMPANIED BY BOILED DON’T CARES IN A LIGHT GO-TO-HELL SAUCE. GATEAU OF PERMANENT AMUSEMENT AT OTHER’S EXPENSE, BRAINFREE TEA, CHOCOLATE MIND-WARP NIBBLES.
CREAM OF INFLATIONARY SOUP SPRINKLED WITH FINANCIAL MELTDOWN, ACCOMPANIED BY ROASTED SPRIGS OF EXCESS SPENDING AND O-HA-HA PRESIDENTIAL PICKLES GARNISHED WITH TWISTED-FINANCIAL- TELEPROMPTED ARGUMENTS. BENBERWACKY CHOCOLATE HELICOPTERS AND THEIR RAIN OF FRESHLY MINTED DOLLAR BILLS. REFRESHING INFUSION OF FRESHLY DEVALUED MONEY. FRESHLY BOTTLED FINANCIAL BUBBLES READY TO BURST.
FOOLISHNESS A LA FRIVOLITY WITH FRESHLY WHIPPED IDIOCY, AND A GLASS OF DELICIOUS HIGH STRENGTH HOME MADE BLINDNESS.
PUREE OF PUTRIDITY DRIZZLED WITH FRESH ESSENCE OF ENDLESS CHATTER REPOSING IN ITS BASKET OF LITTLE FOOLS A LA MODE
BOILED PSYCHIATRIC STINKYPUS WITH KNOWLEDGE FREE NODULES IN HIGHLY SNOBBED CREAM OF IGNORANCE, WITH ROASTING DISASTROUS RESULTS. ELECTRO SHOCKING BRAIN FLAMBÉ PILL COCKTAIL WITH INVENTED DISEASE SAUCE. BRAINLESS HEAD GATEAU WITH CREAM OF PHARMACEUTICAL BRIBES. SWEET CHOCOLATE PAY OFFS.
HALF A WHOLE IQ, MARINATED IN BOREDOM, ACCOMPANIED BY EGO SAUCE AND SMOKED ILLITERATE CERTAINTY WITH SUPREME OF RIGHTEOUSNESS. HOLIER THAN THOU RANT CHEESE
CRÈME DE SUPERIORITY WITH ITS HAUGHTY SNIFF, PUREED BRAIN NUTS, LIGHTLY DRIZZLED IN Q WITHOUT I SAUCE. SNOBBLY DESSERT WITH BRUSH-OFFS OR STUFFED-UP CAKE MADE WITH MENTAL SMELLY ARMPITS WINE, DISGUSTINGLY REVOLTING PONGY STUCK-UP CHEESE AND FRESHLY ROASTED VERBAL CUFF-THEE.
MENTAL DRIVEL MINTS.
May I offer you a mental drivel mint?
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DEFLATION DYSPE