Half Lost by Sally Green
“Perhaps. But you are very young; you’re only seventeen; you’ve only just received your Gift. You still have a huge amount to learn.”
“I’ve learned enough to fight Soul.”
“You think so? I don’t think you even have a clue how much more there is.”
And the house in Montana disappears and we’re sitting at the same table and chair but on a huge ship, an ocean liner, and we’re on the top deck and the wind is blowing fiercely and in the distance the water ruffles as dolphins break the surface; then we’re surrounded by snow and ice and the chill makes the condensation in my nose freeze; and then we’re sitting in a restaurant, surrounded by other people and other tables, and to my side is a huge window looking down on a harbor and across to skyscrapers.
“Very impressive. I take it we’ve not really moved. You’ve just made it look and feel like that.”
And with that we’re back in the house in Montana.
“I’m not trying to impress you, but to show you how much there is to learn. With that Gift I offer your mind suggestions of images and you see them. It’s a rare one and difficult to control, but I have learned to do it. There is so much that you too can learn, Nathan. You have great potential.”
“You’ve learned how to use other Gifts? But did you take them from someone else?”
“No, Nathan. I haven’t taken anything from anyone. I access . . . the source of it all. And I think you could learn to do that too. And there is true joy in discovering more, in learning.”
“That’s really not me. I was never that good at school.”
“I’m sure school didn’t suit you at all, but you learn quickly about Gifts. You’re intuitive. And remarkably trusting and honest, given your background. Oh yes, Van told me all about you. Everything she knew, which was quite a lot. About your parents, your brother and sisters, your time in a cage, your escape; and since then too—your father and what happened to him. You’ve overcome so many challenges, Nathan, but there is still more potential in you—that I know. Perhaps it’s this wildness that you have.”
He takes my hands again and looks into my eyes, and I wonder if the amulet can be made to help me, a Half Code, fight Soul and the Hunters.
Ledger sits back in his chair, saying, “Your thoughts are always going back to this war and the amulet. But, Nathan, the amulet is a trinket. I admit a very special one, but it’s still a magical thing and the thing is of little interest; it’s the magic itself that you should be interested in. The creator of the amulet locked that magic within it, but it’s the same magic as is in you and in me. There is the same core of power that moves through it all. The Essence, as I call it. The Essence of it all. The Essence of us all.”
Impressing Ledger
“So you’ve found it, the Essence?” I ask Ledger as we walk along the riverbank.
“I’ve found many things and have many abilities and I like to think I’m plucking away at the edge of the blanket of the Essence.”
“What was your one Gift? The original one.”
“Mind control. I was an intelligent child and confident in many ways and I knew, absolutely knew, that I would have a strong Gift. And yet in other ways, socially, one might say, I was neither confident nor happy. I had many strengths but they were out of balance. I was a small girl, not that attractive and very boyish. I wasn’t interested in dressing nicely or fashionably. I found boys’ clothes more comfortable. One boy in particular, Jack, he called me a boy. Said I wasn’t a girl at all. I ignored his comments, my intellectual self telling me that he was stupid, a fain, and what did it matter what he thought or said? And yet inside I was hurt. I didn’t realize how much until I found my Gift, a few weeks after my seventeenth birthday. It was a tiny incident. I was sitting on the school bus, near the front, reading a book, and Jack got on, walked past me, and called me a freak the way he always did. ‘How’s it going, freak?’ And I remember not even looking up from my book but thinking, ‘Go away, asshole!’ And he turned round, got off the bus, and walked away.
“That’s how I knew what my Gift was. Within a few weeks I discovered that not only could I make Jack walk away but I could make him do other things as well. It was a long time ago. Attitudes were different . . . maybe. I made him tell his friends that he preferred boys; I think I knew that he did, that he was trying to cover this up. He was seventeen too. I thought I was very clever. It seemed the perfect revenge.” Ledger glances at me. “I’m not sure exactly what happened after that. He ended up sitting at the front of the bus but not with me, not with anyone. Then he started missing school, and when I did see him his face was bruised. I felt guilt but couldn’t think how to make it right. A few weeks later he committed suicide.
“Was it my fault that he died? I think so. Did he deserve to die? No. Was he evil? From my perspective, not far off it—he made my life miserable. But I felt guilt then and still do. Because of me a boy died. I swore then that I would never use my Gift to harm anyone, not witch, not fain or Half Blood, no one.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t beat him up or make his life hell. Society did that.”
Ledger smiles at me. “Trust you to see that. But still I was using my power in a negative way.”
“Society needed to change. Not you, not him.” We walk on a little and I ask, “Is that story even true?”
Ledger laughs but doesn’t answer the question. Instead he says, “What is true is that after I found my Gift I left home and traveled, meeting people, thinking, reading, and learning as I went. We are told that witches each have only one Gift, unless they steal them from others, but I began to question that. Healing is a kind of Gift, after all, and all witches have that power too. If we have two Gifts, why not three? Why not more?
“I realized that the Gifts themselves aren’t important, but the underlying power is. And then I began to believe that if the power is there in all of us then we all have every Gift within our grasp anyway, but we need patience and work to find them.”
“I’m not sure,” I say. “The Gifts I have from my father I definitely didn’t have to find. They came to me after I . . . ate his heart.”
“But I’m saying that you could have found them this other way too. It would take longer but it’s possible.”
“So you can access any Gift now?”
“There are many things I can do, and many I can’t. But I’d like to work with you, Nathan. I’d like you to stay here where I can share my knowledge and perhaps even learn from you.” Ledger pauses and then asks, “Have you never felt something more than your Gift? Something more than any of the Gifts you’ve acquired?”
He looks at me intensely now. “I think you have. What was it?”
“My friend, Gabriel, he can transform, but he got stuck as a fain and couldn’t transform back. Van helped us, gave us a potion to drink and we went into a sort of trance and Gabriel found his way back.”
“How?”
“In the trance we went to Wales. Gabriel says it wasn’t part of the trance, that it was real, but I’m not sure. Anyway, we had a stake joining us, me and Gabriel, and I fell on it, the stake, I mean, and it went into my chest, my heart, and into the earth.” I shrug. I hate talking about this; words don’t describe it properly at all. “Anyway, Gabriel found his way back.”
“And you felt something more?”
“Yes . . . but I don’t know what. All I know is that there was something outside my Gift, a strength, a power, and the stake linking me to the earth was part of that.”
Ledger smiles. “I think the earth is the key to so much of our power. And that links to you too, Nathan. Your connection with nature is strong.”
“Maybe.”
“And isn’t the thought of learning about that so much more exciting than fighting Hunters, some stupid witches who have lost their way to the extent that they have no idea of what they are missing?”
I don?
“Has it ever occurred to you that you may fail?”
“Of course! Do you think I’m stupid? I know I could be killed. No one goes into a battle without that possibility going through their head a million times. That’s why I need the amulet. And why I’m working on the Gifts I have, trying to get better with them.”
“Really? Then show me some of your magic, Nathan.” He folds his arms. “Your turn to impress me.”
For a second I feel like I’m back with Celia, Clay, and Wallend, having to show them what I can do. I tell myself this is different, Ledger is different and I should just get it over with: I go invisible for a few seconds, throw out a bolt of lightning, become visible again and breathe flames from my mouth.
I fold my arms and wait. Ledger doesn’t react.
“You don’t look impressed,” I say.
“Probably because I’m not. Can you transform into an animal for me?”
“No.” It takes all my effort not to swear at him.
He stares into my eyes, reading my mind again no doubt, and in my head I do tell him to fuck off.
“It seems you’re in the mood to show me your fighting skills, though.” He moves away from me, saying, “You’d better protect yourself.” But before I can do anything he runs at me and kicks at my chest. I sidestep and send a flash of lightning, which Ledger dodges, but he releases a rolling ball of flames from his arms toward me and, feeling the heat on my face, I roll away sending more lightning from both my hands. Ledger jogs to safety. I send a long streak of lightning out to where I think he’s going next, but he dodges back and is running at me again, but this time he somersaults over me, and I see he’s smiling as he sails overhead. I send flames at him from my mouth. Ledger lands and opens his arms, stepping toward me, the flames engulfing him. Except I don’t think he’s burning; he seems serene and calm. He’s certainly not panicking or screaming. And I’m pissed off enough to keep the flames going . . . as long as I can.
When the flames stop, Ledger smiles at me but then notices a wisp of smoke from his jacket pocket and frowns as he pats it to ensure any fire is put out.
“It’s lucky that I put the amulet in the other pocket,” he says, and winks at me.
“You don’t need the amulet for protection. You’re powerful enough without it.”
“I can defend myself against you, even two like you, possibly three . . . but four might be stretching it. And although that seems unlikely, well, bombs are only going to get more powerful, guns more efficient, poisons more insidious. And the amulet is the only thing that can defend against them.”
I kick Ledger in the chest. My fast kick really is fast. No one, no Hunter, has ever outmaneuvered it. But now I hit air. Ledger has sidestepped it with ease. I try a different kick. Air again. My next kick is like my first but aimed at where I expect him to go. Still I don’t connect. I try twice more. The final time, he retaliates, and I move back; I’ve been expecting his counter-attack and only his boot heel catches my arm.
“You’re very quick.” He smiles.
I throw the lightning again and he dodges to the side, but his sleeve has a burn on it. I throw another and another. He dodges each one but I think he’s tiring and I throw another, the biggest. And he disappears completely. Then from behind me he says, “Nathan.” And I feel like a brick wall has hit me.
* * *
The sky is blue and clear of clouds, the sun low in the sky. I’m lying on the ground looking at the sky and feeling the grass underneath me, and part of me wants to get up and punch Ledger and another part says it’s wise to stay down. Maybe that’s balance.
I’m aching and before I heal myself I want to remind myself how bad it is to hurt. This is bad. Every muscle feels like it’s been ripped from my bones and then put back.
“Ah, you’ve woken up.” Ledger is standing to the side of me.
“So, you impressed yet?” I say.
He looks serious. “You fight well and you’re fast, but you’re vulnerable too.”
“What did you hit me with?”
He looks to the large tree trunk at his feet.
“Really?” It looks too big to lift.
And, as if reading my thoughts, which I suspect he is, he says, “I move it magically, by thought.”
“Do you think my enemies will have similar Gifts to that?”
“Undoubtedly.”
“I need the amulet,” I say, and get up.
“Why don’t you stay here a while and think about it?”
“You talk about respecting intuition and that is what I’m doing. My future isn’t here with you. I’ve . . .” I hesitate whether to tell him but I carry on: “I’ve had a vision, and you’re right; it is by a river, a beautiful place, but it’s not here and it’s not with you.”
“Visions can be misleading.”
“I know that,” I say, “but I also believe they have an underlying truth. There’s an inevitability about it. I’ll go this way or that, fight now or stay with you, but somehow or other I’ll end up at the place by the river.”
Ledger nods. “Well, I hope after you’ve fought Soul you will come back here. If you’re right, then a few years with me won’t change your final destiny.”
“After I’ve fought Soul?”
“You seem determined to do that.”
“And will you help me? Will you give me the amulet?”
He gives the smallest of nods and says, “I’ve no intention of doing nothing, but evil can triumph if good men do the wrong thing as much as if they do nothing. I intend to do the right thing and I think you are the right person to give the amulet to.”
“Thank you. And I’m not promising that I will come back but it’s a possibility.”
“Life is full of possibilities. Let’s return to the cabin and take a look at the amulet. Gabriel will be waiting for you, I think.”
“He’s there?”
“I took Gabriel to the cabin before I met you. We had a coffee, though I admit I slipped a few drops of sleeping potion in his. I left him safely asleep before going to collect you.”
I speed up—it’s all I can do not to break into a run—and then I see Gabriel standing outside the cabin staring at us. I slow as I near him and give him a grin. “You OK?”
He nods. “And you?”
“Yeah . . . good. I lost at fighting and I’ve talked more in the last few hours than in the previous six months.”
Both Barrels?
The two pieces of the amulet are lying on the table next to each other. The parchment is yellowed and it looks like each piece has been crumpled up at some time in the past. The pieces clearly fit together; there’s nothing missing. Ledger says that the writing on the paper is the magical element. That’s all the amulet is: writing on a piece of parchment. The writing is strange, not letters I recognize so much as shapes, and they form three circles, one inside the other, when the two pieces are joined together.
We’re back in the cabin. Ledger is sitting across the table from me, and Gabriel is at my side. Along with the amulet, on the table is a pot of herbal tea, an empty bottle with a round base, a cork, a stick of sealing wax, string, a candle, and some matches.
I say to Ledger, “I take it we can’t use Sellotape?”
Ledger smiles. “If only it was that easy. The amulet can’t be repaired at all, or at least if it was repaired the magic would be changed by that. But that doesn’t mean the two halves can’t work together. And it is meant to be that way. Everything about the amulet is about balance; you will represent that balance yourself.”
“The two halves of me, you mean?”
“That and much more. Show me the
I hold out my right hand. The three small tattoos of B 0.5 are on my little finger. Ledger says, “Van told me that a man called Wallend made those tattoos and each one on your finger mirrors one on your body. Wallend was going to cut off your finger and put it in a witch’s bottle as a way of controlling you, a way of forcing you to do his will. I believe that fate is now turning full circle. There’s a certain balance of life and death, of good and bad. Do you see?”
“Yin and yang. Tit for tat. Give and take. That sort of thing?”
“That’s not exactly how I’d put it, but a balance between each side, yes. Wallend was going to use this to gain power over you, but equally you have the ability to use it to have power over him.” Ledger sips his tea. “The amulet cannot be joined up, cannot be glued together again, but it can be made to protect your finger and thus your whole body, if we put the amulet in the bottle with your finger.”
“So . . . I have to cut my finger off?”
“Well, I don’t see how it will get into the bottle otherwise.”
“And what if it doesn’t work?”
“Then you’ll have an interesting ornament for your mantelpiece.”
“And is there a spell or something to go with it?”
“I don’t see that being necessary. There’s the magic of the amulet, the White and Black Witch blood that is mixed together in you, your tattooed finger, and your history. Feels like enough magic to me.”
“OK. So, once they’re all in there, that’s it? I’ll be protected wherever I go?”
“Yes. Until the bottle is broken open.”
“So the bottle can be destroyed?”
“Of course. It’s just a bottle. If the bottle was broken open and the amulet removed, you’d be vulnerable again. But if the bottle is safe you are protected. The bottle could be used against you. If it was heated up, you’d burn; if it was frozen, you’d freeze. But I will keep it safe. You will have to trust me, Nathan. That is the price for my help. I’ll keep the bottle safe until it’s no longer needed. When you’ve killed Soul, I’ll break it open and you’ll be vulnerable again. Then I’ll keep the amulet and you can have your finger back.” He pauses before asking, “Is that a deal?”