Helens-of-Troy by Janine McCaw
Helena took a key from her pocket and opened the door to her office. She had slipped away from Helen and Stan under the auspices that she had left the cottage door unlocked.
“Sure, that door you lock,” Helen had noted. But she remembered her mother had not used a key to secure it when they had left. “Maybe you’d better check to make sure. Just hurry back. This house is giving me the creeps.”
Helena knew damn well that the door had automatically locked behind them when they took Stan back home. She had thousands of dollars of non-prescription medicine locked away in her cupboards, so there was no way in hell she was going to leave it open. That would be irresponsible and she could lose her naturopath license as a result. No, there was something she needed to do alone, and she knew that her alone time was all but gone.
She opened the door, stepped inside and took a deep breath. She had always tried to keep negative energy out of her office, but she knew that this time she might not be able to help it. It would need a good smudging of sweet grass and a prayer to the spirits of the earth before she could ever bring a patient back into the room. That was the least of her worries at the moment.
Slowly, she began to rock her body back and forth. At first there was no rhyme or reason to the tempo, but after a few moments, a steady rhythm began to take over. She started to hum a melody, Beethoven’s ninth symphony, more commonly recognized as Ode to Joy. It was a particular favorite of hers. She took a deep breath and tried to whistle the tune, but she had never been very good at whistling, even though the tune needed neither sharps nor flats. She took a tissue from her desk and wiped away the spittle that involuntarily appeared upon her lips as she impatiently tried to get to the end of the song.
“Oh, to hell with it,” she cried out loud. “Willie, get your ass on in here. I’m going to count to three. One…two…”
The Shadowman instantly appeared before her.
“Hells,” he smiled. “How’ve you been?” He tipped his cowboy hat to her in a formal gesture of greeting.
It was hard for Helena to tell whether he was happy to see her, or whether he was being sarcastic. She opted for the latter. “Cut the crap, Willie,” Helena snapped. “What the hell’s going on?”
Willie walked over to the leather couch and casually lay down on it, his well worn Fry boots upon the far armrest, his hands propping his head up against the other. He turned and looked at her with a look of smug satisfaction on his face. “Aren’t you going to offer me some tea? I’m all cotton-mouthed.”
“You have not begun to know the meaning of the word,” Helena threatened.
“I’m dead thirsty,” he bantered.
“That’s because you’re dead.”
“Humor me. It’s been ages since I’ve had anything warm run through my veins.”
“Fine. But if you find anything isn’t working in that life form of yours, don’t say I didn’t warn you. And I want something in return.”
“Hells,” he explained with no sense of urgency, “you know the rules. I’m not supposed to interfere. The man in charge frowns upon that. I want to get out of purgatory sometime this century. I’m not getting any younger you know.”
He looked at her and sighed. Their relationship had gone back more years than he cared to remember. Perhaps that was why, even though the woman was his polar opposite, she was somehow beguiling to him at the same time. “You called me, but you’re not looking too happy to see me. What’s the matter? Did Helen tell you about our little rendezvous in your bathroom? I love the tile, by the way. It just screams Mediterranean blue. Did you get it on sale at the end of the Greek Mycenaean period? Or was it that big Roman fire-sale?”
“Let’s cut the small talk, shall we? You are interfering with my family,” Helena scolded him. “You are well aware how much we LaRose’s despise that. Do I have to remind you of the time you tried to double-cross my mother?”
Willie sat up. “God no,” he shuddered. “How is Elaine, anyway? Still alive and kicking in jolly old England?”
“Of course,” Helena replied. “I take it you’re not sending her a Christmas card this year?” She walked over to the little sink, ran some water into the electric kettle and plugged it in. Willie wasn’t the only one who was thirsty.
“You know, I think I lost her address.” He paused for a moment, taking time to choose his next words carefully. “I can say this,” he offered. “That dead spot in your lawn has to go.”
“I know,” Helena sighed. Willie clearly knew about the vampire that up until a few days ago had lived on her property. She reached for a couple of mugs at the end of the counter. “I have a pineapple/coconut herbal tea blend that I’d like to use up. Is that okay?”
“That sounds good. I like pina coladas. You don’t have anything stronger to put in it, do you?”
Helena put a few loose leaves into the cup and poured the boiling water over them. “No,” she said adamantly.
“You can’t blame a guy for trying. I just thought if anyone had any well aged rum lying around, it would be you. No offense.”
“None taken,” she lamented, unplugging the appliance. “I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on, so that’ll get you off the hook as far as the “thow shalt not blab” rule goes. Helen is a problem right now. She’s starting to come around, but I don’t think I can afford to wait until she remembers how to be a clairvoyant. Right now her focus is sporadic at best. I had the same problem getting her to practice the piano.”
“I know!” Willie agreed. “You’d think that being as anal as she is, she’d be one of those practice makes perfect types. But no.”
Helena looked at him suspicously. Just how long had he been hanging around her family she wondered? “I fear that Ellie is in danger,” she continued, walking back over to the seating area.
“She is in danger. I told Helen that. Seriously, sometimes that daughter of yours is thick as a brick. You know what you’re going to have to do, Helena,” Willie responded, sitting up on the couch. “I really don’t understand why your are delaying the inevitable.”
“Gaspar has become like family to me,” Helena acknowledged, handing Willie a cup of the herbal tea. She sat down in a chair across from him. “I know I’m going to have to deal with him, but I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong.”
Willie gagged on his tea.
“Well he has,” she insisted. “What’s wrong? Is the tea too hot or was that your reflex opinion of my child rearing abilities?”
“The tea is fine. As for the other….didn’t you teach him about the Black Veil?” Willie asked, taking another sip of the brew. “The thirteen rules of House Sahjaza are said to pretty much govern modern vampire communities.”
“I’m surprised you know about that,” Helena commented.
“That vampire woman, Michelle Belanger, you know the one—she keeps popping up across the cable networks—she was on a reality tv show and I googled her. I like that woman’s revision of the doctrine. She’s kind of the David Suzuki of their kind. You could have just sat Gaspar down in front of that flatscreen of yours and said ‘learn something from her.’ Kind of like the way you taught Helen sex-ed with all those medical books you have. Say what you will about the tv genre, it keeps people like me informed. Love it.”
“That is not how I taught Helen the facts of life. Not that it’s any of your business,” Helena insisted. “And I did teach Gaspar the rules. Although I might have also said that personally I thought they were hardly better than the Boy Scout’s oath. It doesn’t look like it did any good. I’m pretty sure he’s broken all of them, despite my insistence that he toe the line.”
“Regardless,” Willie said flatly. “It’s clear that your young man did not grasp the meaning of the decree. Don’t take it to heart. It’s never easy to raise children. Or so they tell me. It’s not like I’ve had a lot of experience with it. I can’t imagine raising somebody elses.”
“It’s not all his fault,” Helena protested.“The rules don’t cover the mentally ill. He is ill
, Willie. That child has had issues since his birth.”
“Helena, that philosophy doesn’t wash any better with vampires than it does with humans. Not every entity with a disorder in their chemical makeup is a natural born killer. On the other hand, some very sane people are. We all have free choice, even the non-dead.”
“I suppose…” Helena said with sorrow in her voice.
“Ultimately, he’s not your responsibility, Helena,” Willie offered. “Your backyard is not zoned for half-way houses for the demonically disturbed.” A smile crossed his face. “Despite that kick-ass fourth of July party.”
“Shut up, Willie.”
“Alexander made a right mess of things, didn’t he?”“We’ve all made a right mess of things.”
“Have you told Helen yet? You know, that her father crashed your party and started a supernatural scandal that they’re still talking about at the spirit bar—did you hear the one about Alexander and the exorcism?” he laughed. “I know you haven’t told her. Please let me be around for that one. Just name your price.”
“That man,” Helena said angrily. “This whole thing is his doing, and once again I’m stuck here cleaning it up. That is so Alexander.I don’t know what possessed him to try it in the first place. He’s never been a man of the cloth. And he never could hold his booze.” She looked sternly at Willie. “If you say one word about this to Helen, I’ll, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” he smiled.
“I won’t be very happy,” she screamed. “And I’m not a very nice person when I’m not very happy.” She picked up his coffee cup and threw it against the wall just inches above his head. “I’m going through a lot of these lately, just for the record.”
“Calm down, Helena,” he cautioned. “I’m not the bad guy this time.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” she shouted at him. “That stupid, immature, blood-sucking kid I gave refuge to, is terrorizing this town, making my boyfriend’s job a living hell. Now he wants to take on the rest of my family.” She paced back and forth in the limited space her office gave her. “This is really pissing me off.”
“You’re going to have to do what you should have done in the first place,” Willie said to her. “That vampire has pushed all of your family ties to the max. He’s fully cognoscente of what he is doing. He’s going to have to suffer the consequences.”
“Sometimes, Willie,” Helena responded, her anger starting to subside as she took deep breaths, “you are such a downer.”
She knew Willie was right. Gaspar was a vampire after all, and with all vampires it was only a matter of time before they couldn’t help themselves. She had hoped that the recently human part of Gaspar’s DNA would have knocked some sense into him. That was her first mistake.
“Kill him before he kills again,” Willie told her.
“It’s not that simple,” she replied.
“It really is,” he responded.
Helena started to say something then reconsidered. She was, after all, a natural born killer herself. Not the kind that randomly killed innocent people, but she doubted most people could make the distinction between the two. She had been called upon to kill
“Sure, that door you lock,” Helen had noted. But she remembered her mother had not used a key to secure it when they had left. “Maybe you’d better check to make sure. Just hurry back. This house is giving me the creeps.”
Helena knew damn well that the door had automatically locked behind them when they took Stan back home. She had thousands of dollars of non-prescription medicine locked away in her cupboards, so there was no way in hell she was going to leave it open. That would be irresponsible and she could lose her naturopath license as a result. No, there was something she needed to do alone, and she knew that her alone time was all but gone.
She opened the door, stepped inside and took a deep breath. She had always tried to keep negative energy out of her office, but she knew that this time she might not be able to help it. It would need a good smudging of sweet grass and a prayer to the spirits of the earth before she could ever bring a patient back into the room. That was the least of her worries at the moment.
Slowly, she began to rock her body back and forth. At first there was no rhyme or reason to the tempo, but after a few moments, a steady rhythm began to take over. She started to hum a melody, Beethoven’s ninth symphony, more commonly recognized as Ode to Joy. It was a particular favorite of hers. She took a deep breath and tried to whistle the tune, but she had never been very good at whistling, even though the tune needed neither sharps nor flats. She took a tissue from her desk and wiped away the spittle that involuntarily appeared upon her lips as she impatiently tried to get to the end of the song.
“Oh, to hell with it,” she cried out loud. “Willie, get your ass on in here. I’m going to count to three. One…two…”
The Shadowman instantly appeared before her.
“Hells,” he smiled. “How’ve you been?” He tipped his cowboy hat to her in a formal gesture of greeting.
It was hard for Helena to tell whether he was happy to see her, or whether he was being sarcastic. She opted for the latter. “Cut the crap, Willie,” Helena snapped. “What the hell’s going on?”
Willie walked over to the leather couch and casually lay down on it, his well worn Fry boots upon the far armrest, his hands propping his head up against the other. He turned and looked at her with a look of smug satisfaction on his face. “Aren’t you going to offer me some tea? I’m all cotton-mouthed.”
“You have not begun to know the meaning of the word,” Helena threatened.
“I’m dead thirsty,” he bantered.
“That’s because you’re dead.”
“Humor me. It’s been ages since I’ve had anything warm run through my veins.”
“Fine. But if you find anything isn’t working in that life form of yours, don’t say I didn’t warn you. And I want something in return.”
“Hells,” he explained with no sense of urgency, “you know the rules. I’m not supposed to interfere. The man in charge frowns upon that. I want to get out of purgatory sometime this century. I’m not getting any younger you know.”
He looked at her and sighed. Their relationship had gone back more years than he cared to remember. Perhaps that was why, even though the woman was his polar opposite, she was somehow beguiling to him at the same time. “You called me, but you’re not looking too happy to see me. What’s the matter? Did Helen tell you about our little rendezvous in your bathroom? I love the tile, by the way. It just screams Mediterranean blue. Did you get it on sale at the end of the Greek Mycenaean period? Or was it that big Roman fire-sale?”
“Let’s cut the small talk, shall we? You are interfering with my family,” Helena scolded him. “You are well aware how much we LaRose’s despise that. Do I have to remind you of the time you tried to double-cross my mother?”
Willie sat up. “God no,” he shuddered. “How is Elaine, anyway? Still alive and kicking in jolly old England?”
“Of course,” Helena replied. “I take it you’re not sending her a Christmas card this year?” She walked over to the little sink, ran some water into the electric kettle and plugged it in. Willie wasn’t the only one who was thirsty.
“You know, I think I lost her address.” He paused for a moment, taking time to choose his next words carefully. “I can say this,” he offered. “That dead spot in your lawn has to go.”
“I know,” Helena sighed. Willie clearly knew about the vampire that up until a few days ago had lived on her property. She reached for a couple of mugs at the end of the counter. “I have a pineapple/coconut herbal tea blend that I’d like to use up. Is that okay?”
“That sounds good. I like pina coladas. You don’t have anything stronger to put in it, do you?”
Helena put a few loose leaves into the cup and poured the boiling water over them. “No,” she said adamantly.
“You can’t blame a guy for trying. I just thought if anyone had any well aged rum lying around, it would be you. No offense.”
“None taken,” she lamented, unplugging the appliance. “I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on, so that’ll get you off the hook as far as the “thow shalt not blab” rule goes. Helen is a problem right now. She’s starting to come around, but I don’t think I can afford to wait until she remembers how to be a clairvoyant. Right now her focus is sporadic at best. I had the same problem getting her to practice the piano.”
“I know!” Willie agreed. “You’d think that being as anal as she is, she’d be one of those practice makes perfect types. But no.”
Helena looked at him suspicously. Just how long had he been hanging around her family she wondered? “I fear that Ellie is in danger,” she continued, walking back over to the seating area.
“She is in danger. I told Helen that. Seriously, sometimes that daughter of yours is thick as a brick. You know what you’re going to have to do, Helena,” Willie responded, sitting up on the couch. “I really don’t understand why your are delaying the inevitable.”
“Gaspar has become like family to me,” Helena acknowledged, handing Willie a cup of the herbal tea. She sat down in a chair across from him. “I know I’m going to have to deal with him, but I can’t help but wonder where I went wrong.”
Willie gagged on his tea.
“Well he has,” she insisted. “What’s wrong? Is the tea too hot or was that your reflex opinion of my child rearing abilities?”
“The tea is fine. As for the other….didn’t you teach him about the Black Veil?” Willie asked, taking another sip of the brew. “The thirteen rules of House Sahjaza are said to pretty much govern modern vampire communities.”
“I’m surprised you know about that,” Helena commented.
“That vampire woman, Michelle Belanger, you know the one—she keeps popping up across the cable networks—she was on a reality tv show and I googled her. I like that woman’s revision of the doctrine. She’s kind of the David Suzuki of their kind. You could have just sat Gaspar down in front of that flatscreen of yours and said ‘learn something from her.’ Kind of like the way you taught Helen sex-ed with all those medical books you have. Say what you will about the tv genre, it keeps people like me informed. Love it.”
“That is not how I taught Helen the facts of life. Not that it’s any of your business,” Helena insisted. “And I did teach Gaspar the rules. Although I might have also said that personally I thought they were hardly better than the Boy Scout’s oath. It doesn’t look like it did any good. I’m pretty sure he’s broken all of them, despite my insistence that he toe the line.”
“Regardless,” Willie said flatly. “It’s clear that your young man did not grasp the meaning of the decree. Don’t take it to heart. It’s never easy to raise children. Or so they tell me. It’s not like I’ve had a lot of experience with it. I can’t imagine raising somebody elses.”
“It’s not all his fault,” Helena protested.“The rules don’t cover the mentally ill. He is ill
“Helena, that philosophy doesn’t wash any better with vampires than it does with humans. Not every entity with a disorder in their chemical makeup is a natural born killer. On the other hand, some very sane people are. We all have free choice, even the non-dead.”
“I suppose…” Helena said with sorrow in her voice.
“Ultimately, he’s not your responsibility, Helena,” Willie offered. “Your backyard is not zoned for half-way houses for the demonically disturbed.” A smile crossed his face. “Despite that kick-ass fourth of July party.”
“Shut up, Willie.”
“Alexander made a right mess of things, didn’t he?”“We’ve all made a right mess of things.”
“Have you told Helen yet? You know, that her father crashed your party and started a supernatural scandal that they’re still talking about at the spirit bar—did you hear the one about Alexander and the exorcism?” he laughed. “I know you haven’t told her. Please let me be around for that one. Just name your price.”
“That man,” Helena said angrily. “This whole thing is his doing, and once again I’m stuck here cleaning it up. That is so Alexander.I don’t know what possessed him to try it in the first place. He’s never been a man of the cloth. And he never could hold his booze.” She looked sternly at Willie. “If you say one word about this to Helen, I’ll, I’ll…”
“You’ll what?” he smiled.
“I won’t be very happy,” she screamed. “And I’m not a very nice person when I’m not very happy.” She picked up his coffee cup and threw it against the wall just inches above his head. “I’m going through a lot of these lately, just for the record.”
“Calm down, Helena,” he cautioned. “I’m not the bad guy this time.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do?” she shouted at him. “That stupid, immature, blood-sucking kid I gave refuge to, is terrorizing this town, making my boyfriend’s job a living hell. Now he wants to take on the rest of my family.” She paced back and forth in the limited space her office gave her. “This is really pissing me off.”
“You’re going to have to do what you should have done in the first place,” Willie said to her. “That vampire has pushed all of your family ties to the max. He’s fully cognoscente of what he is doing. He’s going to have to suffer the consequences.”
“Sometimes, Willie,” Helena responded, her anger starting to subside as she took deep breaths, “you are such a downer.”
She knew Willie was right. Gaspar was a vampire after all, and with all vampires it was only a matter of time before they couldn’t help themselves. She had hoped that the recently human part of Gaspar’s DNA would have knocked some sense into him. That was her first mistake.
“Kill him before he kills again,” Willie told her.
“It’s not that simple,” she replied.
“It really is,” he responded.
Helena started to say something then reconsidered. She was, after all, a natural born killer herself. Not the kind that randomly killed innocent people, but she doubted most people could make the distinction between the two. She had been called upon to kill