Here's to Falling by Christine Zolendz
Jase
Charlie,
The weather here is shit. It’s fucking hot. Not the bipolar hot and cold, sunny and rainy of NY. Yeah, I got nothing else to say.
Where are you?
Jase
Charlie,
I had a dream about you last night. You were in the tree house and the walls were covered in your paintings…you looked at me through dead eyes. I’ve seen lots of that shit here, Charlie. Dead, glazed over eyes, just like Joey’s. Do you still have nightmares about him like I do? I wake up covered in sweat, gasping for air. The guys here think I’m losing it. Maybe I am.
Jase
Charlie,
I'm here in the great Douchebagistan. "You never really get the smell of burning flesh out of your nose entirely, no matter how long you live.” JD Salinger to his daughter about concentration camps when he was in the military in the 1940s - he was right. I really need my best friend to live through this.
Jase
Charlie
Okay so today I’m writing to tell you that I fucked another girl. Yep. I just went there. I hope you’re having just as much fun as I am.
Jase
Charlie
Happy anniversary of the day you fucking broke my heart. I guess that’s a little too harsh maybe. Nah, fuck you. Fuck you. I’m in the Middle East watching my friends die, and you fucking left me. You left me without any fucking clue.
Jase
Charlie,
How long will I love you? I can’t choose between forever and always.
Jase
Charlie,
Fucking drunk as shit. Let me say this. Get it out.
You were wearing a little white T-shirt with something on it and a pair of jeans with a rip above your right knee. You were the prettiest girl I'd ever seen. I never needed anyone more than I needed you. You were always part of my heart, but that day you completely stole it from me. And it's yours Charlie, keep it, ’cuz I'm not going to need it without you.
Charlie, you're the best choice I ever made in my life. It was you that helped me through boot camp, it was you that helped me say goodbye to Joey, you who helped me through Afghanistan. It’s always you. You're the girl I can't forget. Please tell me where you are.
Jase
Charlie
Don’t ever ask me to stop searching for you, because I can’t. Don’t ever think I’ll be able to forget you, because I won’t.
Jase
Charlie,
Last night I fucked two girls. Two girls at the same time. But you don't care, do you? I hate that between the two of them, it was you I thought about.
Jase
Charlie
The first time we ever kissed, remember? The way you melted into me. Your lips tasted like watermelon lip gloss and blueberry bubblegum. Was it weird that I bought a pack of that gum and carried it in my pocket, just so I could taste you again?
Jase
Charlie
I swear I tried to move past this, but I can’t seem to. My heart is stuck with you. You're gone. Vanished. I’m simply going through the motions. I look around and see everyone continuing on like they don’t realize the sun has quit shining. It's just like when Joey died.
I can’t stop thinking about you. How you felt in my arms, the taste of you still on my lips. It’s pointless. I’m like a robot most of the time. Going through the motions, getting through life one day at a time.
Jase
Charlie,
It's been years. What can it hurt to email me back now? Just let me know you're okay.
Jase
Charlie
I miss the shit out of you, Charlie.
Jase
It took me two years to answer his emails.
Jase,
I miss you too.
Charlie
The boy I had loved so very much had done what he'd always set out to do. He joined the army and went overseas. He was a real life superhero. And when his tour was through, he became a New York City police officer. He was a real, true superhero, the one I always knew he'd be. And I could never find the courage to stand up for myself and tell him what happened. Simply because I loved Jase too much to ever let him know. I loved him too much.
In the beginning, we wrote emails to each other every week. I told him I was married. Over the years, we started writing to each other every day. Then texting. But, I would never let him call. He tried, but I knew hearing his voice would be too much. We never asked each other about families, about things that would hurt. We never talked about why; we just both pretended to move on. What could be changed? I told him I married someone. He was overseas for so long. I made a complete fantasy life up, so he could move on. What else could I have done? I wanted him to be there safe—not worried about how much I was hurting. I’d rather have him hate me.
Now we were face to face. He was on one side of the law and thought I was on the other. I was poison to him. I could make his world darker than it already was. I couldn't live with myself if that happened.
Let him think he was lucky to get away from me when he did. I’d be fine. I always was. I already knew what it was like to miss him. I was used to it.
I sat in the passenger seat of the car with my forehead against the dashboard. It was hot and sticky and all I wanted to do was forget everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours.
Jase Delaney needed to think I was no good.
He needed to think
It was all my fault.
Period.
End of story.
Chapter 13
Jase
This shit just got way too deep for me. I was at the door watching Charlie get into Carter's car and the lieutenant was pulling me back in. Carter will make sure she doesn't disappear on me again. He's got my back.
"I want you off this case. Take vacation time. Go somewhere. We'll put her up in a safe house if you really think your perp is going to hurt her."
I'm shaking from my lieutenant’s words. "I can't let anyone hurt her, Lu. You know she was telling the truth. She has no idea what Bren does."
The clicking of Brooke's high heels came rounding the corner and a wad of paper got shoved into my chest. "Just got her history. They ran her name and she's clean. Not even a parking ticket."
The lieutenant nodded and leveled his eyes on me. "Have Carter take her to her family. Somewhere she feels safe. If he feels like she needs an unmarked car in front of the house, then he could come back and file the paperwork." I wondered if her mother still lived in the same place and what kind of relationship they had now.
"I want that cocksucker in jail. I want him away from her for good."
He glanced down at his watch. "What time is it? six a.m.…okay. Go home; get some sleep." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'll have the team make a tact plan, and you set up a meeting with him to exchange words for money. You pick him up, and we'll set up a cam in the car tonight."
"Yeah sure. Sounds good," I said, nodding my head.
"I don't want you to take her home, Delaney. Have Carter do it. You need a clear head."
"Yeah. Got it," I said, walking to my desk to gather my things.
Brooke was a step behind me "You still have feelings for her?"
"You're talking shit, Brooke. You sound like you're jealous."
"I am, actually," she hissed.
I looked up at Brooke and stopped what I was doing.
"Delaney. Stop and look at how you reacted in the club. You could have gotten us all killed. But all you saw was her."
All I could do was give her a small, dry chuckle. "Drop it, Brooke. I'm not having this conversation with you. Or any conversation for that matter." I walked away from her. I needed a long vacation after this was all settled. Away from everyone and everything.
Outside, the sun was too bright, the sky too blue.
Charlie was slumped against the door of one of the unmarked cars in the lot. Her eyes were closed, but she didn't look peaceful. Not at all.
My chest tightened. Fists clenched.
It was like the minute I looked at her I had to remember I should hate her. Like some little punk, I wanted to say things that hurt her.
I yanked open the door and climbed in. She still smelled like watermelon lotion and I hated her for it.
Her eyes peeked up at me. They seemed empty, sitting next to me in this car, emotionless, while my life was a hurricane around me.
"I'm taking you somewhere safe," I said in a low voice.
"Hey," Carter's voice was instantly at my window, his hands banging at the top of the roof. "What's going on?"
I nodded up to him. "Get some rest. We're going after Doc tonight. Lu's setting it up now."
Carter's eyes narrowed into slits. Shit.
"Yeah. Okay, bro. So, why don't you let me drive her somewhere and we'll meet up later?"
"I got this," I said.
"No. No you don't," he said.
"Yeah. I do."
I started the engine as Carter's eyes widened. "Jase? Don't do anything stupid."
I pulled at my lips, biting them between my teeth, and nodded. "I got this," I growled, pulling the car away from him and out of the lot. A blast of gravel and dust made him barely visible in my rearview mirror.
I glanced at her still form next to me. "Your mother still live in Queens?"
"I don't know," she whispered.
"Well? How's your mother? Is that a safe place I could take you where he won't bother you?"
She cleared her throat, but her voice still cracked. "Lost touch with her."
"Yeah? Had a falling out?"
"Something like that." She didn’t even flinch. She shrugged. Heartless. Suddenly, I realized that everything I thought I knew about this woman was a lie. Everything I remembered of her was just in my own damned imagination.
"Where do you live?" I asked her.
She stared out the window, watching the people outside. The wind from my window blew her hair across her cheeks. "Why don't you just say what you have to say and then I'll get myself home?"
My fingers squeezed the steering wheel; fireworks exploded through my bloodstream. "My lieutenant wants to put a car in front of your residence, just until we have Bren in. We could take him in now for selling, but I wanted to get his supplier. I also want to get him for setting up a hit on you. That'll be a nice little jail sentence." I smiled and couldn't help the venom in my voice, "Sorry, if that might hurt you."
"Tell your lieutenant I said, ‘thank you,’ but I'll be fine. Is there anything he needs me to do to help get Bren's supplier?"
"This isn't a request, Ms. Stone. I need your address. I'll drive you there now, and I will have twenty-four hour surveillance outside your front door," I snapped.
"I don't have a place. I live above the tattoo parlor," she whispered.
"Does Doc have the keys?" I asked slowly.
"Who's Doc?" she asked.
"Bren," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Unfortunately, yes he does. It's half his parlor."
Anger burned in my cheeks and I bit down, grinding out my jaw. Why the fuck would she be a business partner with a drug dealing asshole? "Fine then, where am I driving you? Your mother’s? Your father? Your family? A girlfriend?"
She laughed. Not a sweet sound; a very hurt, bitter one. "I don't have anywhere or anyone. Just take me to a hotel or let me out here."
"How about your husband and 2.5 kids then?" I snapped.
She looked out the window, her lips trembling.
"I'm taking you back to my place, then. It's not up for discussion." I was jeopardizing my job. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I wasn't thinking at all.
That was a lie.
I was thinking.
All I was doing was thinking.
Thinking about why she lied to me. Thinking about the reasons she gave up on us. Thinking about wanting her to fight me. Fight with me. Thinking about the way those green eyes used to look at me and how no one ever looked at me like she did.
I couldn't stop thinking about my actions as I drove her across town to my apartment. She walked up the stairs to my place with the terrified look of a caged animal. I was defying every rule. I was supposed to do a job: get her to a safe place and arrest the guy who wanted her dead. None of that was enough.
She stood at the top of my stairs with her wide, green eyes, completely disarming me. Innocence and vulnerability. I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I couldn't drop her off somewhere. I knew getting in the car with her I was heading her back to my place.
I needed answers.
I needed closure.
I needed just one more day of her.
Then, I’d let her go.
We walked into my apartment and her eyes were taking in everything. I didn’t even remember how we got there. I collapsed into a chair and watched her.
I wanted to ask her a thousand questions. I knew I needed to treat her like a stranger, but I couldn’t. "Why did you lie to me all these years?"
Her eyes closed with what looked like overwhelming anguish, and she took a long, shaky breath.
I continued. "You told me that you were happy. Married with 2.5 kids and a cat. A damn cat. I should have known you were lying; you always hated cats." I got up and walked straight over to her.
She turned her head around to meet my eyes, yet there was no reaction in them. No emotion and no answer. I was going to lose my job. I was going to lose control. I felt the fury build up in my stomach and climb into my chest, threatening to explode. "You're nothing but a liar."
"You're right; I'm a liar. And none of it matters. Get over it. We're nothing to each other now," she said in an even tone.
What the shit?
I stepped back and tried to focus, clear my thoughts. My eyes swept up and down her frame, assessing. Tight rigid back, stiff neck, hands balled at her side. Son-of-a-bitch! I needed to read her body language. She was lying to me. She was an emotional wreck inside. This was killing her, and she was pretending there was no effect.
I stepped closer, feeling my lips curl into a snarl. I wanted the confrontation. I wanted the fight. I wanted to see the real Charlie after all these years. My heart pounded hard in my chest.
I saw the moment she realized I knew she was lying. She was watching me, eyes wide, breathing hard, slowly backing away from me and hitting her back against the edge of my counter. It was my words that sent her reeling, no matter how much she tried to lie to me. "You were my world, Charlie. Losing you killed me." Push her. Make her break. My chest was ready to explode. "But all along you were nothing more than where you came from. You took right after your parents, didn't you? Just like your mother, who'd fuck anything for a good time. And just like your father, abandoning anything that was ever good in your life."
"Guess you're right," she said stoically. Yet, I could see the whites of her eyes reddening from holding back tears, desperately trying to look anywhere but on me.
I stepped closer—so close I could feel the heaviness of her breathing and the heat of the anger she was holding in. Her eyes, frantic now, lifted and met mine. Quickly, I lifted my hand and watched her flinch curiously as I reached to open the cabinet above her head. With a hard yank, I pulled open the handle and grabbed the first bottle of liquor my hand touched. As I twisted off the cap and took a few long pulls from the bottle, I watched as her entire body trembled next to me.
Wiping my lips with the back of my hand, I offered her the bottle and smiled, "Want to have a good time now?"
"I should leave," she whispered, tears welling in her eyes.
"Yeah? Why? Am I making you uncomfortable?" I said, leaning down and sliding my nose along the base of her jaw into her hair.
Her body shuddered violently. "You told me you’d never leave me."
There she was. Get mad Charlie. Fight with me. Tell me why you lied.
"Whatever, right? We mean nothing to each other now," I sneered.
"You told me you’d come back for me," she
"You got that first email didn’t you? You read it, and you chose whatever else over me," I said quietly.
"I chose nothing over you," she hissed.
"What the Hell are you doing with someone like Bren? You have nothing in common; you’re like oil and stupid," I snapped.
"I worked for his mother at the tattoo parlor. She left me everything in her will. Before she died six months ago, she made me promise to take care of Bren and the shop."
"When did you work for her? You left me Charlie. When I came back for you, you were already gone. You left me," I said harshly.
"I never left you, damn it, Jase." She rubbed her hands over her face in frustration. "I brought you and Joey everywhere I went. I read every single word you wrote me. I cried when you went overseas." She fixed her eyes on mine and clenched a fist to her chest. "I prayed every day for you; you were on my mind always in here, always. I never left you. I just left that house."
"Tell me why you ran. What happened?" I asked, stepping closer.
"It doesn't matter," she sighed.
"I lost my best friend, my fucking best friend, Charlie, my world, and you won't tell me why?" I asked hoarsely.
"Is this why you dragged me here? To get some sort of answer? I have none. You left kicking and screaming that day. I was the one left behind to face everything on my own," she said, looking down.
"And who did you leave with? How long did you wait before you were wrapping your lips around some other guy’s cock?" I snapped.
"Are you off duty?" she growled.
"Yes."
I saw the slap coming before I felt its sting, but I didn't move. Hell no. Let her break her damn hand on my face. I stood as still and as hard as stone.
Her eyes bulged with the impact, and she grabbed at her hand and cursed. She didn't back down. Her eyes spit fire and she panted for air. "There's not been a day that hasn't gone by that I haven't thought of you. You are a constant in my heart." She brought her hand up and poked a finger into my chest. "No one ever lived up to your memory. See, that's the thing Jase, that person you used to know, Charlie? She died, and the person standing here now, you wouldn't love her if you knew who she was–you wouldn't. So hate me all you want."