Homo Sum — Complete by Georg Ebers
CHAPTER V.
Thanks to the senator's potion Stephanus soon fell asleep. Paulus satnear him and did not stir; he held his breath, and painfully suppressedeven an impulse to cough, so as not to disturb the sick man's lightslumbers.
An hour after midnight the old man awoke, and after he had lainmeditating for some time with his eyes open, he said thoughtfully: "Youcalled yourself and us all egotistic, and I certainly am so. I haveoften said so to myself; not for the first time to day, but forweeks past, since Hermas came back from Alexandria, and seems to haveforgotten how to laugh. He is not happy, and when I ask myself what isto become of him when I am dead, and if he turns from the Lord and seeksthe pleasures of the world, my heart sickens. I meant it for the bestwhen I brought him with me up to the Holy Mountain, but that was not theonly motive--it seemed to me too hard to part altogether from the child.My God! the young of brutes are secure of their mother's faithfullove, and his never asked for him when she fled from my house with herseducer. I thought he should at least not lose his father, and that ifhe grew up far away from the world he would be spared all the sorrowthat it had so profusely heaped upon me, I would have brought him upfit for Heaven, and yet through a life devoid of suffering. And now--andnow? If he is miserable it will be through me, and added to all my othertroubles comes this grief."
"You have sought out the way for him," interrupted Paulus, "and the restwill be sure to come; he loves you and will certainly not leave you solong as you are suffering."
"Certainly not?" asked the sick man sadly. "And what weapons has he tofight through life with?"
"You gave him the Saviour for a guide; that is enough," said Paulussoothingly. "There is no smooth road from earth to Heaven, and none canwin salvation for another."
Stephanus was silent for a long time, then he said: "It is not evenallowed to a father to earn the wretched experience of life for his son,or to a teacher for his pupil. We may point out the goal, but the waythither is by a different road for each of us."
"And we may thank God for that," cried Paulus. "For Hermas has beenstarted on the road which you and I had first to find for ourselves."
"You and I," repeated the sick man thoughtfully. "Yes, each of us hassought his own way, but has enquired only which was his own way, and hasnever concerned himself about that of the other. Self! self!--How manyyears we have dwelt close together, and I have never felt impelled toask you what you could recall to mind about your youth, and how you wereled to grace. I learnt by accident that you were an Alexandrian, and hadbeen a heathen, and had suffered much for the faith, and with that I wassatisfied. Indeed you do not seem very ready to speak of those longpast days. Our neighbor should be as dear to us as our self, and who isnearer to me than you? Aye, self and selfishness! There are many gulfson the road towards God."
"I have not much to tell," said Paulus. "But a man never forgets whathe once has been. We may cast the old man from us, and believe we haveshaken ourselves free, when lo! it is there again and greets us as anold acquaintance. If a frog only once comes down from his tree he hopsback into the pond again."
"It is true, memory can never die!" cried the sick man. "I can not sleepany more; tell me about your early life and how you became a Christian.When two men have journeyed by the same road, and the moment of partingis at hand, they are fain to ask each other's name and where they camefrom."
Paulus gazed for some time into space, and then he began: "Thecompanions of my youth called me Menander, the son of Herophilus.Besides that, I know for certain very little of my youth, for as I havealready told you, I have long since ceased to allow myself to think ofthe world. He who abandons a thing, but clings to the idea of the thing,continues--"
"That sounds like Plato," said Stephanus with a smile.
"All that heathen farrago comes back to me today," cried Paulus. "Iused to know it well, and I have often thought that his face must haveresembled that of the Saviour."
"But only as a beautiful song might resemble the voice of an angel,"said Stephanus somewhat drily. "He who plunges into the depths ofphilosophic systems--"
"That never was quite my case," said Paulus. "I did indeed go throughthe whole educational course; Grammar, Rhetoric, Dialectic and Music--"
"And Arithmetic, Geometry, and Astronomy," added Stephanus.
"Those were left to the learned many years since," continued Paulus,"and I was never very eager for learning. In the school of Rhetoric Iremained far behind my fellows, and if Plato was dear to me I owe it toPaedonomus of Athens, a worthy man whom my father engaged to teach us."
"They say he had been a great merchant," interrupted Stephanus. "Canit be that you were the son of that rich Herophilus, whose business inAntioch was conducted by the worthy Jew Urbib?"
"Yes indeed," replied Paulus, looking down at the ground in someconfusion. "Our mode of life was almost royal, and the multitude of ourslaves quite sinful. When I look back on all the vain trifles that myfather had to care for, I feel quite giddy. Twenty sea-going ships inthe harbor of Eunostus, and eighty Nile-boats on Lake Mareotis belongedto him. His profits on the manufacture of papyrus might have maintaineda cityfull of poor. But we needed our revenues for other things. OurCyraenian horses stood in marble stalls, and the great hall, in which myfather's friends were wont to meet, was like a temple. But you seehow the world takes possession of us, when we begin to think about it!Rather let us leave the past in peace. You want me to tell you more ofmyself? Well; my childhood passed like that of a thousand other richcitizens' sons, only my mother, indeed, was exceptionally beautiful andsweet, and of angelic goodness."
"Every child thinks his own mother the best of mothers," murmured thesick man.
"Mine certainly was the best to me," cried Paulus. "And yet she was aheathen. When my father hurt me with severe words of blame, she alwayshad a kind word and loving glance for me. There was little enough,indeed, to praise in me. Learning was utterly distasteful to me, andeven if I had done better at school, it would hardy have counted formuch to my credit, for my brother Apollonius, who was about a yearyounger than I, learned all the most difficult things as if theywere mere child's play, and in dialectic exercises there soon was norhetorician in Alexandria who could compete with him. No system wasunknown to him, and though no one ever knew of his troubling himselfparticularly to study, he nevertheless was master of many departments oflearning. There were but two things in which I could beat him--in music,and in all athletic exercises; while he was studying and disputing I waswinning garlands in the palaestra. But at that time the best master ofrhetoric and argument was the best man, and my father, who himself couldshine in the senate as an ardent and elegant orator, looked upon me as ahalf idiotic ne'er-do-weel, until one clay a learned client of ourhouse presented him with a pebble on which was carved an epigram to thiseffect: 'He who would see the noblest gifts of the Greek race, shouldvisit the house of Herophilus, for there he might admire strengthand vigor of body in Menander, and the same qualities of mind inApollonius.' These lines, which were written in the form of a lute,passed from mouth to mouth, and gratified my father's ambition; fromthat time he had words of praise for me when my quadriga won the race inthe Hippodrome, or when I came home crowned from the wrestling-ring,or the singing match. My whole life was spent in the baths and thepalaestra, or in gay feasting."
"I know it all," exclaimed Stephanus interrupting him, "and the memoryof it all often disturbs me. Did you find it easy to banish these imagesfrom your mind?"
"At first I had a hard fight," sighed Paulus. "But for some time now,since I have passed my fortieth year, the temptations of the worldtorment me less often. Only I must keep out of the way of the carrierswho bring fish from the fishing towns on the sea, and from Raithu to theoasis."
Stephanus looked enquiringly at the speaker, and Paulus went on: "Yes,it is very strange. I may see men or women--the sea yonder or themountain here, without ever thinking of Alexandria, but only of sacredthings; but when the savor of fish rises up to my nostrils I see thema
"Those of Kanopus are famous," interrupted Steplianus, "they make littlepasties there--" Paulus passed the back of his hand over his beardedlips, exclaiming, "At the shop of the fat cook--Philemon--in the streetof Herakleotis." But he broke off, and cried with an impulse of shame,"It were better that I should cease telling of my past life. The daydoes not dawn yet, and you must try to sleep."
"I cannot sleep," sighed Stephanus; "if you love me go on with yourstory."
"But do not interrupt me again then," said Paulus, and he went on:"With all this gay life I was not happy--by no means. When I was alonesometimes, and no longer sitting in the crowd of merry boon-companionsand complaisant wenches, emptying the wine cup and crowned with poplar,I often felt as if I were walking on the brink of a dark abyss as ifevery thing in myself and around me were utterly hollow and empty. Icould stand gazing for hours at the sea, and as the waves rose only tosink again and vanish, I often reflected that I was like them, and thatthe future of my frivolous present must be a mere empty nothing. Ourgods were of little account with us. My mother sacrificed now in onetemple, and now in another, according to the needs of the moment; myfather took part in the high festivals, but he laughed at the belief ofthe multitude, and my brother talked of the 'Primaeval Unity,' and dealtwith all sorts of demons, and magic formulas. He accepted the doctrineof Iamblichus, Ablavius, and the other Neoplatonic philosophers, whichto my poor understanding seemed either superhumanly profound or elsedebasingly foolish; nevertheless my memory retains many of his sayings,which I have learned to understand here in my loneliness. It is vain toseek reason outside ourselves; the highest to which we can attain isfor reason to behold itself in us! As often as the world sinks intonothingness in my soul, and I live in God only, and have Him, andcomprehend Him, and feel Him only--then that doctrine recurs to me. Howall these fools sought and listened everywhere for the truth which wasbeing proclaimed in their very ears! There were Christians everywhereabout me, and at that time they had no need to conceal themselves, butI had nothing to do with them. Twice only did they cross my path; onceI was not a little annoyed when, on the Hippodrome, a Christian's horseswhich had been blessed by a Nazarite, beat mine; and on another occasionit seemed strange to me when I myself received the blessing of an oldChristian dock-laborer, having pulled his son out of the water.
"Years went on; my parents died. My mother's last glance was directed atme, for I had always been her favorite child. They said too that I waslike her, I and my sister Arsinoe, who, soon after my father's death,married the Prefect Pompey. At the division of the property I gave upto my brother the manufactories and the management of the business, nayeven the house in the city, though, as the elder brother, I had a rightto it, and I took in exchange the land near the Kanopic gate, and filledthe stables there with splendid horses, and the lofts with not lessnoble wine. This I needed, because I gave up the days to baths andcontests in the arena, and the nights to feasting, sometimes at my ownhouse, sometimes at a friend's, and sometimes in the taverns of Kanopus,where the fairest Greek girls seasoned the feasts with singing anddancing.
"What have these details of the vainest worldly pleasure to do with myconversion, you will ask. But listen a while. When Saul went forth toseek his father's asses he found a crown.
"One day we had gone out in our gilded boats, and the Lesbian girlArchidike had made ready a feast for us in her house, a feast such ascould scarcely be offered even in Rome.
"Since the taking of our city by Diocletian, after the insurrection ofAchilleus, the Imperial troops who came to Alexandria behaved insolentlyenough. Between some of my friends, and certain of the young officers ofRoman patrician families, there had been a good deal of rough banterfor some months past, as to their horses, women--I know not what; and ithappened that we met these very gentry at the house of Archidike.
"Sharp speeches were made, which the soldiers replied to after theirfashion, and at last they came to insulting words, and as the wineheated us and them, to loud threats.
"The Romans left the house of entertainment before we did. Crowned withgarlands, singing, and utterly careless, we followed soon after them,and had almost reached the quay, when a noisy troop rushed out of a sidestreet, and fell upon us with naked weapons. The moon was high in theheavens, and I could recognize some of our adversaries. I threw myselfon a tall tribune, throttled him, and, as he fell, I fell with him inthe dust. I am but dimly conscious of what followed, for sword-strokeswere showered upon me, and all grew black before my eyes. I only knowwhat I thought then, face to face with death."
"Well--?" asked Stephanus.
"I thought," said Paulus reddening, "of my fighting-quails atAlexandria, and whether they had had any water. Then my dull heavyunconsciousness increased; for weeks I lay in that state, for I washacked like sausage-meat; I had twelve wounds, not counting the slighterones, and any one else would have died of any one of them. You haveoften wondered at my scars."
"And whom did the Lord choose then to be the means of your salvation?"
"When I recovered my senses," continued Paulus, "I was lying in a large,clean room behind a curtain of light material; I could not raise myself,but just as if I had been sleeping so many minutes instead of days, Ithought again directly of my quails. In their last fight my best cockhad severely handled handsome Nikander's, and yet he wanted to disputethe stakes with me, but I would assert my rights! At least the quailsshould fight again, and if Nikander should refuse I would force him tofight me with his fists in the Palaestra, and give him a blue reminderof his debt on the eye. My hands were still weak, and yet I clenchedthem as I thought of the vexatious affair. 'I will punish him,' Imuttered to myself.
"Then I heard the door of the room open, and I saw three menrespectfully approaching a fourth. He greeted them with dignity, but yetwith friendliness, and rolled up a scroll which he had been reading, Iwould have called out, but I could not open my parched lips, and yet Isaw and heard all that was going on around me in the room.
"It all seemed strange enough to me then; even the man's mode ofgreeting was unusual. I soon perceived that he who sat in the chair wasa judge, and that the others had come as complainants; they were allthree old and poor, but some good men had left them the use and interestof a piece of land. During seed-time one of them, a fine old man withlong white hair, had been ill, and he had not been able to help in theharvest either; 'and now they want to withhold his portion of the corn,'thought I; but it was quite otherwise. The two men who were in healthhad taken a third part of the produce to the house of the sick man, andhe obstinately refused to accept the corn because he had helped neitherto sow nor to reap it, and he demanded of the judge that he shouldsignify to the other two that he had no right to receive goods which hehad not earned.
"The judge had so far kept silence. But he now raised his sagacious andkindly face and asked the old man, 'Did you pray for your companions andfor the increase of their labors?'
"'I did,' replied the other.
"'Then by your intercession you helped them,' the judge decided, 'andthe third part of the produce is yours and you must keep it.'
"The old man bowed, the three men shook hands, and in a few minutes thejudge was alone in the room again.
"I did not know what had come over me; the complaint of the men and thedecision of the judge seemed to me senseless, and yet both the one andthe other touched my heart. I went to sleep again, and when I awokerefreshed the next morning the judge came up to me and gave me medicine,not only for my body but also for my soul, which certainly was not lessin need of it than my poor wounded limbs."
"Who was the judge?" asked Stephanus.
"Eusebius, the Presbyter of Kanopus. Some Christians had found me halfdead on the road, and had carried me into his house, for the widowTheodora, his sister, was the deaconess of the town. The two had nursedme as if I were their dearest brother. It was not till I grew strongerthat they showed me the cross and the crown of thorns of Him who for mysake also had tak
"I became a new man, and before me there lay in the future an eternaland blessed existence; after this life I now learned to look forwardto eternity. The gates of Heaven were wide open before me, and I wasbaptized at Kanopus.
"In Alexandria they had mourned for me as dead, and my sister Arsinoe,as heiress to my property, had already moved into my country-house withher husband, the prefect. I willingly left her there, and now livedagain in the city, in order to support the brethren, as the persecutionshad begun again.
"This was easy for me, as through my brother-in-law I could visit allthe prisons; at last I was obliged to confess the faith, and I sufferedmuch on the rack and in the porphyry quarries; but every pain was dearto me, for it seemed to bring me nearer to the goal of my longings, andif I find ought to complain of up here on the Holy Mountain, it isonly that the Lord deems me unworthy to suffer harder things, when hisbeloved and only Son took such bitter torments on himself for me and forevery wretched sinner."
"Ah! saintly man!" murmured Stephanus, devoutly kissing Paulus'sheep-skin; but Paulus pulled it from him, exclaiming hastily:
"Cease, pray cease--he who approaches me with honors now in this lifethrows a rock in my way to the life of the blessed. Now I will go to thespring and fetch you some fresh water."
When Paulus returned with the water-jar he found Hermas, who had come towish his father good-morning before he went down to the oasis to fetchsome new medicine from the senator.