How to Survive a Horror Movie by Seth Grahame-Smith
Go two-wheeling. Motorcycles, scooters, and dirt bikes can’t become self-steering killers, due to the fact that they’d fall over once they stopped moving. An evil scooter only deserves to be laughed at.
WHEN PURSUED BY AN EVIL VEHICLE, SEEK SAFETY IN THE WATER.
EJECTION SEAT #3:
THE AWKWARD PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Should you find yourself in the clutches of certain death—fangs to your neck, knife to your throat—there are only four proven methods of making a last-minute escape, methods called Ejection Seats because of their drastic, last-resort nature.
Ejection Seat #3 is the Awkward Product Placement. What’s the hero’s favorite beer? Chances are, the brand that’s just written a big check to the producers. Product placement is a much-loved means of padding a movie’s budget, but the filmmakers usually take great care to keep it subtle. After all, you can’t have your characters making obvious pitches.
If you find yourself cornered by a horror villain, try buying precious time with the clumsiest, cheesiest advertisement you can imagine. Doing so will confuse your attacker, and maybe—just maybe—allow you to escape.
YOU
I may be crying, but it’s not because of soapy eyes! That’s because I use …
(turn to imaginary camera)
Pupil Soft Shampoo, from the good people at McMillan’s!
YOU
You can crush my skull, but you can’t crush my thirst …
(turn to imaginary camera)
The way a refreshing Blue Bird Cola can!
YOU
There’s no need to clean out my bowels with that machete! Just use …
(turn to imaginary camera)
Gut Grease natural laxative—the brand trusted by more astronauts!
HOW TO DEFEAT A KILLER DOLL
Sometimes deadly things come in small packages.
The world’s worst pickup line, but a superb reminder for anyone trapped in a horror movie. Dolls have always been vessels for evil, whether it’s the wooden dummy who’s sick of having someone’s hand up its bad place, the marionette that cuts its own strings, or the child’s toy that’s through having its buttons pushed. It doesn’t matter if they’re powered by dead serial killers, brought to life by ancient curses, or just plain evil—they have to be taken seriously, no matter how cute their little scaled-down overalls are.
1. KICK THE CRAP OUT OF IT. Even if you’re 12 years old, you’re probably five to seven times larger than your attacker. Why are you running away from something that could be imprisoned with Legos? Before you resort to the fancy tactics that follow, crack your knuckles, step in the ring, and take your yarn-haired nemesis for a stroll down Pain Lane. Rip its limbs off. Pull its stuffing out. Hold it by the feet and whack its head against the sidewalk. There’s a reason dolls have to rely on stealth and trickery to kill—they’re not very strong. You, on the other hand, have the gift of brute force.
2. MAKE THE PUPPETEERS MISERABLE. You lost a fistfight to a doll? Well … OK, try some other tactics (but I don’t recommend you go around telling people).
The filmmakers have painted themselves in a bit of a corner. A slasher or werewolf can be played by a guy in a suit, but a tiny doll forces them to rely on special effects—namely animatronics controlled by off-screen puppeteers. That means the bad guy has to be connected to a bunch of wires, and those wires need to be hidden. This severely limits the little bugger’s movements. If you’re still running away (from a doll, mind you), these tactics will make it next to impossible for the tiny terror to give chase:
Get some fresh air. The killer doll’s natural habitat is indoors, because it’s easiest for the filmmakers to hide its gadgetry by cutting holes in sofas or building false floors. City streets and grassy fields present a whole truckload of problems for the effects department.
Go for a dip. The thought of getting wet sends chills down the artificial spines of killer dolls (and their puppeteers). With all those electronic components, swimming is suicide.
Pick the doll up. Yes, I know it’s trying to chase you down and stab you, but hear me out. If you pick it up and hold it over your head, there will be nowhere to hide the wires, and thus no way for the doll to move.
3. EMPLOY PROVEN ANTI-DOLL TECHNOLOGY. Being trapped in a killer doll movie is like winning the horror lottery. Let’s face it—you have to be an idiot to get knocked off in one. Imagine the last thing you ever saw was a Cabbage Patch Kid standing over you with a knife. Imagine dying with that deep sense of shame.
LIL’ RANDY
(licks knife)
You’re my best pal!
YOU
(dying)
I’ll see you in Hell, you son … you son of a … bitch …
Luckily, you don’t have to, because there are a few easily accessible weapons that no killer doll can survive:
Fire. Propane torches, furnaces, or cigarette lighters—any source will do. Your attacker is made of polyester stuffing and cheap plastic. He’ll burn up faster than a Death Valley match factory.
Dogs. Killer dolls are terrified of dogs, probably because dogs love killer dolls. Namely, shaking them around, pulling their insides out, and eating their plastic buttons. And while dogs can be killed in certain horror movies, they’re invincible in schlocktastic killer-doll flicks.
Toddlers. Of all the doll’s enemies, none is more feared than the common human toddler. Falling into the hands of a toddler is a fate worse than death, for it means suffering through an endless parade of tea parties, nap times, and dress-ups. And there’s not a damn thing they can do about it, since no horror movie would ever let them kill the kid off.
IF YOU’RE UNDER ATTACK BY A KILLER DOLL, SIMPLY KICK THE CRAP OUT OF IT.
10 THINGS TO NEVER, EVER, EVER PUT IN A CHILD’S ROOM
1. Any representation of a clown. Whether it’s stuffed, painted, or otherwise.
2. Indoor play tents. Anything that obstructs the child’s view of the room (or your view of the child) is a no-no.
3. Windows. In horror movies, windows are things that kids get snatched out of by vampires and scary trees.
4. Doors. Does this sound familiar? You hear the children screaming and run to their room, only to have the door slammed in your face by whatever ghost is about to eat their soul.
5. One of those toy monkeys that bang cymbals together. These serve absolutely no purpose other than coming to life when something scary is about to happen.
6. Framed photographs of dead relatives. Or photographs of any dead people, for that matter. It doesn’t matter if the images are of Abe Lincoln or Mother Teresa.
7. Ouija boards. Come on.
8. Any crucifix featuring an open-eyed Jesus. Directors love cutting to “creepy-pupils Jesus” to build dramatic tension. Don’t hand them an invitation.
9. Beds with more than four inches between the box spring and floor. The bed’s legs should also be chained to the floor, and younger kids should sleep wearing a climbing harness tethered to a secured steel cable (in case of an attempted spiritual abduction).
10. Closets. What are you, crazy? Nail the door shut and buy a dresser.
HOW TO TELL IF AN OBJECT IS EVIL
Some inanimate objects are always bad: classic American cars (see this page), intricately decorated boxes that may or may not open portals to Hell, and anything that gives its owner godlike powers. There’s the family heirloom. The haunted computer. Hell, even cell phones are deadly these days.
SATAN
(into phone)
Can you fear me now? Good.
But what about objects that don’t fall under the “automatically evil” umbrella?
1. ASK YOURSELF: ARE NAZIS LOOKING FOR THIS OBJECT? If Der Führer wants it, it can’t be good.
2. DETERMINE THE OBJECT’S COUNTRY OR REGION OF ORIGIN. You can take the item out of the evil, but you can’t take the evil out of the item. Some parts of the horror globe (and galaxy) are particularly good at churning out dangerous artifacts and wicked trinke
Egypt. According to Hollywood, every last pebble in the Nile Valley is a gateway to some ancient evil. So remember, “If it comes from a tomb, it leads to doom.”
Sub-Saharan Africa. It’s widely accepted that all African villages have demons that spend their time possessing young local girls. Therefore, any hand-crafted souvenirs (especially tribal masks) from that continent are likely carrying some residual evil.
The southwestern United States and Central Mexico. Any arrowheads, gold charms, or wood carvings you find in these regions are usually vessels for Indian or Aztec curses.
The Caribbean. In the eyes of Hollywood screenwriters, everything in the Caribbean is tainted with Voodoo.
Outer space. Objects from space are universally bad for horror movie humans. They’re either carrying (1) space flu, (2) alien eggs/parasites, or (3) flesh-eating hairballs.
3. DETERMINE HOW THE OBJECT CAME INTO YOUR POSSESSION. If any of these sound familiar, the object is almost certainly evil:
You unearthed it. Here’s a cardinal horror movie rule: Anything you cover with dirt becomes evil. Whether you’re an archeologist or gardener, objects found buried in the earth should be left there, no matter if they’re one or 1,000,000 years old.
You bought it at a charming antique shop. Oops … all antiques are evil. Even worse, they come with a no-returns policy. (If you run back to the store to return it, you’ll invariably discover that the store burned down 10 years ago. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!)
You found it next to a smoking crater. As a rule, any object found in the vicinity of a smoking crater, whether resulting from a meteor strike or alien crash, should not be touched.
It was handed to you by a pale, sweaty priest who mumbled something about “seeing the face of the beast,” then died. Ouch. You’d better pray he was high on LSD.
You stole it. You’re toast. In horror movies, anything you take from its rightful owner comes with a 100-percent-cursed guarantee.
4. CHECK FOR TELLTALE “EVIL OBJECT” FEATURES. These design elements are good indicators that the object in question is evil:
Unnecessary faces. Evil objects are often decorated with faces that serve no purpose other than being scary. Door knockers. Banisters. Canes. If it’s something the director can show in close-up to build tension, it’s probably evil.
An overly complex, puzzle-like locking mechanism. Evil chests and ancient books are often secured with ridiculously overengineered locks. The reason is simple: The longer it takes for something to open after the key is turned, the more suspense.
Words from a nonexistent language. How do you know if the language is nonexistent? Easy. If you can’t read it, it doesn’t exist. Better to play it safe.
Human skin. Anything that’s covered in human skin (other than humans) is always evil.
5. USE THE DOG TEST. Canines are more than bed hogs and volunteer vacuum cleaners—they’re evil detectors. If there’s even the slightest whiff of paranormal peril, they’ll sniff it out. And when they do, how they react will tell you what level of evil you’re dealing with:
A) Spot takes no interest in the object. The object is not evil. Feel free to display it on your mantle. Give Spot a rawhide for his troubles.
B) Spot barks at the object. Best-case scenario, the object is merely inhabited by a friendly ghost. Worst-case scenario, the object is a bridge over which the armies of Hell will march into our world. Dispose of it immediately.
C) Spot pees on the floor and runs away. The object is evil. Dispose of it immediately. Don’t forget to clean your floor.
D) Spot drops dead on the spot. Run screaming from your home and never return. Make no attempt to contact family members you left behind. Start a new life restoring boats in a small seaside town in Mexico.
6. PROPERLY DISPOSE OF THE EVIL OBJECT. Once you’ve determined that an object is evil, don’t go tossing it off a bridge for some other unlucky schlub to find—make sure it disappears for good:
• If the object is paper or wood, burn it to ash, mix the ashes with equal parts holy water, and use the resulting paste to paint a portrait of a smiling Jesus.
• If the object is metal, melt it down and turn it into a pair of crutches for a wounded veteran.
• If the object is plastic, use acetone (nail polish remover) to turn the object into a pile of smelly goop, light the highly flammable pile on fire, and use the resulting ash to paint a portrait of a smiling Jesus.
• If the object is stone, break it up into small pieces, and use those pieces as slingshot ammo to hold back the Nazis from step 1.
KNOW YOUR HARBINGERS OF IMPENDING DOOM: LIGHT
In the Terrorverse, light is usually your friend. It cuts through the menacing night, chases away the shadows where creatures lurk, and blinds night-vision equipped serial killers. But there are times when light is the last thing you want to see. Especially when it’s coming from something (or somewhere) it shouldn’t:
ANYTHING THAT ISN’T A BULB OR FLAME. There are some things—wood, metal, briefcases, stone—that aren’t supposed to give off light. If they do, don’t stare in slack-jawed fascination. Run.
KEYHOLES. If there’s a powerful beam of light shooting through a keyhole, you can bet there’s something very, very nasty on the other side of the door.
EYES. Light only radiates from the pupils of evil creatures, and it usually signals an imminent attack.
MOUTHS. If light is pouring from your mouth, you’re about to be torn to shreds from the inside out and transported to another dimension—probably a bad one.
NOWHERE. The worst place light can come from is nowhere. Only the most powerful creatures are capable of self-illumination—namely demons and false gods. For dramatic effect, they’ll backlight themselves to constantly appear in silhouette.
CHAPTER IV
CRYPT-OGRAPHY
GHOSTS, ZOMBIES, AND THE REANIMATED
PETER
My granddad was a priest in Trinidad. He used to tell us, “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”
—DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978)
Dead people. Greedy sons of bitches. They had their time to exist, and now that it’s over, do they float peacefully into the next plane of consciousness? No. They want more. An equal stake in our world. And until they get it, they’ll rattle as many chains, terrorize as many children, and surround as many shopping malls as they can.
HOW TO SURVIVE A CEMETERY
In the real world, people go to cemeteries after they die. In the Terrorverse, people go to cemeteries moments before they die. Boneyards are the hubs of just about every horror subgenre because cemeteries stir the creepiest nooks of our imagination. They’re the place where our comfy little lives end and the long winter of death begins. And sooner or later, screenwriters will steer you to one. If you’re any kind of horror movie survivalist, you’ll run at the first sign of an epitaph. However, if the plot has made it impossible to avoid carrying a shovel through the gates, don’t just gallop in, or you might end up staying far longer than you planned.
1. KNOW WHEN IT’S TOO DANGEROUS TO ENTER. Common sense dictates that it’s always too dangerous to enter a cemetery if you’re in a horror movie. That goes double if the answer to any of the following questions is “yes”:
Did this land ever belong to Native Americans? You’re in a movie, so the signs should be laughably obvious—a tattered teepee or nearby casino, for example.
Are ravens sitting on the old iron entrance gate? Trick question! If the answer is “yes,” then there’s obviously an old iron entrance gate, which is the real sign that you shouldn’t proceed.
Is there a layer of smoke or mist over the ground? This would obstruct your ability to see things crawling out of the earth and make it more likely that you’d trip while trying to escape.
Is there fresh dirt next to any of the headstones? This one doesn’t need any explanation.
Are there stone angels on any of the graves or crypts? Too tempting for the director. Stone angels will open their eyes and watch you walk by, which always means something bad is about to happen.
2. TEST THE SOIL’S REGENERATIVE PROPERTIES. All cemetery dirt has at least some regenerative ability. The question is, does it take years or minutes to work its magic?
On your way to the graveyard, stop at the market and pick up a fresh fish with its head still on. Before you venture too far into the cemetery, bury the fish a little below the surface. Wait five minutes, and then exhume it. Interpret the results as follows:
The fish is still dead. Marvelous. Proceed with caution.
The fish is wriggling ever so slightly. A discouraging sign. Anything you bury won’t stay buried for long. Anything you dig up will be at least partially alive.
The fish is biting you. Not only is the soil extremely fast-acting (i.e., anything you exhume is going to be at full-strength), but it’s also soured (i.e., anything you bury that isn’t already evil will become so).
The fish bursts into flames. Hmmm. This is probably really, really bad. Run away.
3. DRIVE IN. Get that 4x4 as close to the burial site as possible before you step out—even if it means toppling a few headstones. And when you’re on foot, avoid walking over graves. Not because it’s disrespectful, but because you’re practically begging a zombie to thrust its hand through the soil and grab your ankle.
4. AVOID CRYPTS AND MAUSOLEUMS. If your mission leads you to the entrance of a crypt or mausoleum, know that you’re staring down into of the darkest corners in the Terrorverse. A walled (often underground) tomb with a locking door is a favorite daytime hang-out for vampires (for tips on what to do if you encounter one, see this page). Crypts should never be entered at night. Even during the day, it’s safer to knock them down and sift through the rubble with shotguns at the ready.