I'm Not Gay by Imani J. Walton
pools.” I froze.
“Wait. You’re really gay?” Seth nodded.
“Oh.” I leaned away involuntarily and reprimanded myself once I noticed. I looked at Seth’s face. He noticed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s fine.” Seth smiled. “It takes getting used to for some people.”
“Does everyone in here know?”
“I’d be surprised if they didn’t.”
“And they’re okay with it?”
“No one here cares,” Seth paused. “Do you?” It’s kind of disgusting actually. I shook my head.
“No,” I answered.
The year seemed to drag on and I found myself opening up to more and more people and going to Writing Club more and more.
“What’s pansexual?” I asked. Jack just told me he was pansexual during one club meeting and everyone smiled at my confusion. “Oh come on, stop giggling and tell me.”
“A pansexual,” began Seth the gay dictionary, “is someone who doesn’t care about your gender identity. They’re gender blind.”
“Gender identity?”
“It’s what you identify as. Like a girl who sees herself as a girl or a guy who sees himself as a girl.”
“So like a transsexual.”
“More like a transgender.”
“What are all of these words?” I groaned. Seth just laughed. “You’re mean. Stop laughing and educate me!”
“Okay, transgender is someone who identifies against their birth sex. Transsexual is someone who belongs to the opposite sex physically as well as emotionally.”
“I feel like I should be writing this stuff down. Okay. Wait, one more question. So what exactly is a queer? Isn’t that an insult? And if so, why is it connected to the LGBTQ thing?”
“Okay,” Seth breathed. “To start off, that was three questions. A queer is slang for someone gay. It can be offensive it just depends on the person or context it’s used in.”
“I am learning so much. How do you know all of this?”
“This magical thing called the internet taught me. But most straight people don’t really care for the vocabulary so I didn’t expect you to know any of this.” I grabbed Seth’s hand.
“You’ve taught me more in 5 minutes than I have learned within an entire school year.” The room laughed and I joined in.
“I think the only straight ones in the club are Alex and Kevin,” I said. Isabelle was spending the weekend at my house to so I could “tutor” her and we both wide awake and running on sugar at 2 am.
“Are they cute?” Isabelle asked.
“Yeah but it’s hard for me to see them in that way. Alex is too short for my taste and a little bossy. And Kevin is sweet but I swear he wears a superhero t-shirt almost every day his extensive knowledge on superheroes is intriguing and yet creepy. But they’re all pretty great. At first I thought they were just a bunch of awkward dorks but they’re cool.”
“They’d be cooler if you had your eyes set on one of them.”
“Well, there’s this one guy…” Isabelle bounced on my bed and grabbed tightly onto my arm.
“Who? Don’t hold back. Is he hot? Is he smart? Does he smell good? How did you meet? Did you look decent when you met him?” I was crashing from my sugar high and had trouble keeping up with Isabelle’s words.
“Would you keep still so I can think?” I scolded and Isabelle froze. “His name is Ryan and he is so hot you could bake cookies on him.” Isabelle giggled. “I sit next to him in one of my classes and we just started talking more and he is smart and interesting and his voice should be recognized as an illegal drug.” Isabelle fell back onto the bed.
“Ugh. I envy that. He sounds like a dream.”
“How are you and Gerry?” She waved a dismissive hand.
“I dumped him before the end of the first semester.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“You were going through your thing… and not answering your phone.”
“Oh yeah,” I bit my lip. “How is Beth?” Isabelle sat up and hesitantly spoke.
“She’s okay, I guess. The guy she was dating cheated on her with this upperclassman and she’s kind of been all over the place since.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s just hooking up with whoever will take her.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. It’s pretty bad.”
“Maybe I should call her and just make sure she’s okay.”
“She’s fine,” Isabelle screamed. I stared at her wide-eyed. “I mean, she’ll figure it out. She’s a big girl.”
“I guess if she wanted to talk she would’ve called.”
“Exactly.” Isabelle laid back on my bed. “Forget Beth,” Isabelle yawned. “Find another hot girl to devote yourself to.”
“I don’t like girls, Isabelle.”
“Right. You only like boys.” Isabelle dozed off with a smug smile. I rolled my eyes and realized she fell asleep on my bed and far from her sleeping bag on the floor.
I started eating lunch with Nicole, a girl from my theatre class. She was beautiful in the face but had a crude mouth that not many people could handle.
“Ryan, huh?” She said suddenly.
“What?” I asked turning my attention back to my sandwich.
“You stopped talking when he walked by. It doesn’t take rocket science to know you want to ride that horse.” I felt my face heat up.
“I do not!”
“If you say so. But I do see the appeal.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You like him.”
“No I don’t!”
“Just that response screams you do.”
“Oh shut up. What do you know?”
“I know any guy will date you for a good BJ.”
“You’re gross.”
“Oh like you haven’t thought about it.”
“I haven’t! Believe it or not some people think about other things besides sex.”
“I don’t see why. It’s the reason people are here: to reproduce.” I laughed.
“Have you considered going to church?”
“Don’t tease me about my ungodliness when you’re the one drooling over Ryan. At least I get what I want.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Because it is…Okay. Watch this.” Nicole waved at a boy walking towards our table and motioned for him to come over. “Hey you,” she said sexily. “What’s your name?” The poor kid was speechless. Nicole was leaning forward pushing her boobs up so much the boy didn’t have a chance to think.
“S-St-Steven.”
“Steven. How cute.” Nicole bit her lip. “Do you have plans this Saturday Steven?” He shook his head. “Do you want to do something with me this weekend?” He nodded. “Then how about you take that pen out of your pocket? Although I’m hoping it’s not just a pen in there.” Steven almost dropped his lunch tray trying to get the pen out of his pocket. Nicole took it and gracefully wrote some numbers on his arm. “Call me.” Steven nodded. “See you Steven.”
“B-B-Bye.” Steven walked off.
“How did you-”
“Practice, my dear. Practice.”
“Did you really give him your number?”
“Yeah. He wasn’t exactly cute but I might as well see what he’s packing besides pens.”
“How did you even know he had a pen?”
“I saw it sticking out of his pocket while he was walking over.”
“I can honestly say, I am amazed.”
“I told you, it’s not hard. But Steven is.” I chuckled.
“Why can’t you have an innocent conversation?”
“Because they’re boring. Why can’t you just go ask out Ryan?” I picked invisible hairs from my sandwich.
“I’m not good with rejection.” Nicole placed a hand on mine.
“No one is good with rejection. Do you need another example? Because I call Steve back over here.”
“No
! That would be awful.”
“Good because I was not looking for it. The look of defeat wouldn’t look on him. You should just take a chance and stop hiding behind your feelings all the time.”
“I guess.”
“Besides, who knows what could be hiding in that boy’s pants because no pen is that big,” Nicole laughed.
“Hey Melaina,” Jamie said as she sat in Ryan’s seat. “Ryan’s sick so I hope you don’t mind if I sit here.”
“Of course not,” I said. “Plus you’re already here so.” I reached into my backpack and pulled out my binder.
“You know I think I see it,” Jamie said.
“See what?” I asked, flipping through my binder.
“Why Ryan likes you.” I think I broke my neck turning it so quickly.
“What?”
“You know what I said.”
“Y-yeah but I wasn’t sure if I heard you correctly.”
“You did.”
“How do you know?”
“He told me.”
“Really?” My cheeks were already sore from my smile.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t bother trying to ask him out or anything.”
“Why not?”
“Look Mel, you’re adorable and everything but I have been working my up the Ryan ladder since middle school and just look at the comparison.” She was right. She was beautiful and confidence radiated from her and her eyes were more powerful than Medusa’s. “You really don’t have a chance so it would be better not to embarrass yourself.”
I nodded. I couldn’t fight that logic. I didn’t need to have another rejection meltdown.
“But Jamie is a bitch so you really can’t trust anything she says,” Jack said. I had told the entire Writing Club my dilemma after they pestered me for information.
“It doesn’t matter if she’s telling the truth or not, I’m not going to do anything,” I said. “Now how about for once we do some actual writing.”
“Write at home,” Seth said. “This is way more important. To be honest I just assumed you were gay.” I gaped at Seth.
“What?”
“I thought you were a lesbian.”
“Why?”
“When a pretty girl walks by, you automatically bite your lip.”
“No I don’t!”
“Fine.” Seth put his hands up defensively. “Maybe I’m just imagining it.”
“Maybe you are! It’s not right to just assume thing about people when you really don’t know anything about them.”
“Sorry,” Seth mumbled. He was cowering like at any moment I would hit him.
“I didn’t just assume you were gay when I met you. So why would you just assume things about me?” At this point I was standing up and screaming. A hand rested on my shoulder.
“Calm down,” Jack said. “It’s okay if you’re gay. We’re not going to judge you.”
“I AM NOT GAY! I do not, have not and will never like girls! I am straight!” I felt hot tears rush down my face. “Why would a girl like another girl? It’s- it’s… It’s kind of disgusting actually. I’m straight and that’s all there is to it!” I grabbed my things and stormed out of the room. I ran to the nearest bathroom, locked myself in a stall and cried.
The next day I began my new morning ritual. I got up, showered, brushed my teeth, and then looked at myself in the morning and recited my mantra: “I am Melaina Roberts, I do not like girls, I like boys and I am completely straight.” It was simple. Once I had trained my mind, the rest of me would follow suit.
“Do you really believe that?” Jason asked. I stupidly left my bedroom door open and he was standing in the doorway.
“Of course I do,” I said.
“It’s strange that you have to remind yourself.”
“Sometimes people get confused and forget who they are, it’s completely normal,” I said facing the mirror still.
“You know if you needed to you could always talk to me. Or Isabelle, she’s worried about you.”
“How do you know Isabelle is worried about me?” I faced Jason.
“She told me.”
“When? You two don’t talk.”
“She texts me sometimes.” I looked over Jason’s face and laughed.
“Oh wow. You like her.” Jason looked at the floor.
“No I don’t,” he mumbled.
“Yeah you do.” I laughed again. “You should deal with your little crush instead of worrying about me and what I’m doing.”
“Whatever. It’s okay to like girls, Melaina.”
“I know
“Wait. You’re really gay?” Seth nodded.
“Oh.” I leaned away involuntarily and reprimanded myself once I noticed. I looked at Seth’s face. He noticed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s fine.” Seth smiled. “It takes getting used to for some people.”
“Does everyone in here know?”
“I’d be surprised if they didn’t.”
“And they’re okay with it?”
“No one here cares,” Seth paused. “Do you?” It’s kind of disgusting actually. I shook my head.
“No,” I answered.
The year seemed to drag on and I found myself opening up to more and more people and going to Writing Club more and more.
“What’s pansexual?” I asked. Jack just told me he was pansexual during one club meeting and everyone smiled at my confusion. “Oh come on, stop giggling and tell me.”
“A pansexual,” began Seth the gay dictionary, “is someone who doesn’t care about your gender identity. They’re gender blind.”
“Gender identity?”
“It’s what you identify as. Like a girl who sees herself as a girl or a guy who sees himself as a girl.”
“So like a transsexual.”
“More like a transgender.”
“What are all of these words?” I groaned. Seth just laughed. “You’re mean. Stop laughing and educate me!”
“Okay, transgender is someone who identifies against their birth sex. Transsexual is someone who belongs to the opposite sex physically as well as emotionally.”
“I feel like I should be writing this stuff down. Okay. Wait, one more question. So what exactly is a queer? Isn’t that an insult? And if so, why is it connected to the LGBTQ thing?”
“Okay,” Seth breathed. “To start off, that was three questions. A queer is slang for someone gay. It can be offensive it just depends on the person or context it’s used in.”
“I am learning so much. How do you know all of this?”
“This magical thing called the internet taught me. But most straight people don’t really care for the vocabulary so I didn’t expect you to know any of this.” I grabbed Seth’s hand.
“You’ve taught me more in 5 minutes than I have learned within an entire school year.” The room laughed and I joined in.
“I think the only straight ones in the club are Alex and Kevin,” I said. Isabelle was spending the weekend at my house to so I could “tutor” her and we both wide awake and running on sugar at 2 am.
“Are they cute?” Isabelle asked.
“Yeah but it’s hard for me to see them in that way. Alex is too short for my taste and a little bossy. And Kevin is sweet but I swear he wears a superhero t-shirt almost every day his extensive knowledge on superheroes is intriguing and yet creepy. But they’re all pretty great. At first I thought they were just a bunch of awkward dorks but they’re cool.”
“They’d be cooler if you had your eyes set on one of them.”
“Well, there’s this one guy…” Isabelle bounced on my bed and grabbed tightly onto my arm.
“Who? Don’t hold back. Is he hot? Is he smart? Does he smell good? How did you meet? Did you look decent when you met him?” I was crashing from my sugar high and had trouble keeping up with Isabelle’s words.
“Would you keep still so I can think?” I scolded and Isabelle froze. “His name is Ryan and he is so hot you could bake cookies on him.” Isabelle giggled. “I sit next to him in one of my classes and we just started talking more and he is smart and interesting and his voice should be recognized as an illegal drug.” Isabelle fell back onto the bed.
“Ugh. I envy that. He sounds like a dream.”
“How are you and Gerry?” She waved a dismissive hand.
“I dumped him before the end of the first semester.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me that?”
“You were going through your thing… and not answering your phone.”
“Oh yeah,” I bit my lip. “How is Beth?” Isabelle sat up and hesitantly spoke.
“She’s okay, I guess. The guy she was dating cheated on her with this upperclassman and she’s kind of been all over the place since.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s just hooking up with whoever will take her.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. It’s pretty bad.”
“Maybe I should call her and just make sure she’s okay.”
“She’s fine,” Isabelle screamed. I stared at her wide-eyed. “I mean, she’ll figure it out. She’s a big girl.”
“I guess if she wanted to talk she would’ve called.”
“Exactly.” Isabelle laid back on my bed. “Forget Beth,” Isabelle yawned. “Find another hot girl to devote yourself to.”
“I don’t like girls, Isabelle.”
“Right. You only like boys.” Isabelle dozed off with a smug smile. I rolled my eyes and realized she fell asleep on my bed and far from her sleeping bag on the floor.
I started eating lunch with Nicole, a girl from my theatre class. She was beautiful in the face but had a crude mouth that not many people could handle.
“Ryan, huh?” She said suddenly.
“What?” I asked turning my attention back to my sandwich.
“You stopped talking when he walked by. It doesn’t take rocket science to know you want to ride that horse.” I felt my face heat up.
“I do not!”
“If you say so. But I do see the appeal.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You like him.”
“No I don’t!”
“Just that response screams you do.”
“Oh shut up. What do you know?”
“I know any guy will date you for a good BJ.”
“You’re gross.”
“Oh like you haven’t thought about it.”
“I haven’t! Believe it or not some people think about other things besides sex.”
“I don’t see why. It’s the reason people are here: to reproduce.” I laughed.
“Have you considered going to church?”
“Don’t tease me about my ungodliness when you’re the one drooling over Ryan. At least I get what I want.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Because it is…Okay. Watch this.” Nicole waved at a boy walking towards our table and motioned for him to come over. “Hey you,” she said sexily. “What’s your name?” The poor kid was speechless. Nicole was leaning forward pushing her boobs up so much the boy didn’t have a chance to think.
“S-St-Steven.”
“Steven. How cute.” Nicole bit her lip. “Do you have plans this Saturday Steven?” He shook his head. “Do you want to do something with me this weekend?” He nodded. “Then how about you take that pen out of your pocket? Although I’m hoping it’s not just a pen in there.” Steven almost dropped his lunch tray trying to get the pen out of his pocket. Nicole took it and gracefully wrote some numbers on his arm. “Call me.” Steven nodded. “See you Steven.”
“B-B-Bye.” Steven walked off.
“How did you-”
“Practice, my dear. Practice.”
“Did you really give him your number?”
“Yeah. He wasn’t exactly cute but I might as well see what he’s packing besides pens.”
“How did you even know he had a pen?”
“I saw it sticking out of his pocket while he was walking over.”
“I can honestly say, I am amazed.”
“I told you, it’s not hard. But Steven is.” I chuckled.
“Why can’t you have an innocent conversation?”
“Because they’re boring. Why can’t you just go ask out Ryan?” I picked invisible hairs from my sandwich.
“I’m not good with rejection.” Nicole placed a hand on mine.
“No one is good with rejection. Do you need another example? Because I call Steve back over here.”
“No
“Good because I was not looking for it. The look of defeat wouldn’t look on him. You should just take a chance and stop hiding behind your feelings all the time.”
“I guess.”
“Besides, who knows what could be hiding in that boy’s pants because no pen is that big,” Nicole laughed.
“Hey Melaina,” Jamie said as she sat in Ryan’s seat. “Ryan’s sick so I hope you don’t mind if I sit here.”
“Of course not,” I said. “Plus you’re already here so.” I reached into my backpack and pulled out my binder.
“You know I think I see it,” Jamie said.
“See what?” I asked, flipping through my binder.
“Why Ryan likes you.” I think I broke my neck turning it so quickly.
“What?”
“You know what I said.”
“Y-yeah but I wasn’t sure if I heard you correctly.”
“You did.”
“How do you know?”
“He told me.”
“Really?” My cheeks were already sore from my smile.
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t bother trying to ask him out or anything.”
“Why not?”
“Look Mel, you’re adorable and everything but I have been working my up the Ryan ladder since middle school and just look at the comparison.” She was right. She was beautiful and confidence radiated from her and her eyes were more powerful than Medusa’s. “You really don’t have a chance so it would be better not to embarrass yourself.”
I nodded. I couldn’t fight that logic. I didn’t need to have another rejection meltdown.
“But Jamie is a bitch so you really can’t trust anything she says,” Jack said. I had told the entire Writing Club my dilemma after they pestered me for information.
“It doesn’t matter if she’s telling the truth or not, I’m not going to do anything,” I said. “Now how about for once we do some actual writing.”
“Write at home,” Seth said. “This is way more important. To be honest I just assumed you were gay.” I gaped at Seth.
“What?”
“I thought you were a lesbian.”
“Why?”
“When a pretty girl walks by, you automatically bite your lip.”
“No I don’t!”
“Fine.” Seth put his hands up defensively. “Maybe I’m just imagining it.”
“Maybe you are! It’s not right to just assume thing about people when you really don’t know anything about them.”
“Sorry,” Seth mumbled. He was cowering like at any moment I would hit him.
“I didn’t just assume you were gay when I met you. So why would you just assume things about me?” At this point I was standing up and screaming. A hand rested on my shoulder.
“Calm down,” Jack said. “It’s okay if you’re gay. We’re not going to judge you.”
“I AM NOT GAY! I do not, have not and will never like girls! I am straight!” I felt hot tears rush down my face. “Why would a girl like another girl? It’s- it’s… It’s kind of disgusting actually. I’m straight and that’s all there is to it!” I grabbed my things and stormed out of the room. I ran to the nearest bathroom, locked myself in a stall and cried.
The next day I began my new morning ritual. I got up, showered, brushed my teeth, and then looked at myself in the morning and recited my mantra: “I am Melaina Roberts, I do not like girls, I like boys and I am completely straight.” It was simple. Once I had trained my mind, the rest of me would follow suit.
“Do you really believe that?” Jason asked. I stupidly left my bedroom door open and he was standing in the doorway.
“Of course I do,” I said.
“It’s strange that you have to remind yourself.”
“Sometimes people get confused and forget who they are, it’s completely normal,” I said facing the mirror still.
“You know if you needed to you could always talk to me. Or Isabelle, she’s worried about you.”
“How do you know Isabelle is worried about me?” I faced Jason.
“She told me.”
“When? You two don’t talk.”
“She texts me sometimes.” I looked over Jason’s face and laughed.
“Oh wow. You like her.” Jason looked at the floor.
“No I don’t,” he mumbled.
“Yeah you do.” I laughed again. “You should deal with your little crush instead of worrying about me and what I’m doing.”
“Whatever. It’s okay to like girls, Melaina.”
“I know