I Will Fear No Evil by Robert A. Heinlein
“I used to be good at it. No time for it, late years.”
“I never had time for it even when I was young. I’m going to take time, now. Reminds me, who’s minding the store?”
“Teal, of course. He wants to see you.”
“You see him, I’m too busy learning to use my new body. And enjoying it. Do I have any money left? Not that I give a hoot.”
“You want the ungarnished truth?”
“You can’t scare me, Jake. If I have to sell this house to pay off this gang of jailers, it won’t worry me. Might be fun. I can tell you this: I’ll never be on Welfare. I’ll get by—always have, always will.”
“Brace yourself. You’re worth more than ever.”
“Huh? Oh, what a shame! When I was just beginning to enjoy being broke.”
“Hypocrite.”
“Not at all, Jake. I—”
“Hypocrite, I said. Oh, hush up. Your fortune had already reached the takeoff point, where it can’t possibly be spent no matter how you try; it just keeps growing. I didn’t even spend all your income on this operation and all that went with it. However, you no longer control Smith Enterprises.”
“So?”
“Yes. I encouraged Teal to borrow money and buy some of your voting shares; it gave him incentive in ‘minding the store.’ And it looked better. Also, as de-facto chairman of the board, I thought it would look better if I owned a bigger block, too, so I traded you some blue chips and tax-exempts for some of your senior-corporation voting stock. At present two of us—you and I, or you and Teal—hold voting control. But no one of us. However, I’ll trade back any time you want to resume control.”
“God forbid!”
“We’ll leave the matter open, Johann. I was not trying to take advantage of your illness.”
“No, Jake. If I don’t have controlling interest, I don’t have even a moral responsibility to look out for the company. I’ll resign as chairman of the board—and you can be chairman, or Teal, or you can put it up for grabs.”
“Wait till you’re well.”
“Okay but I shan’t change my mind. But now about that other matter—Uh, Nurse, don’t you have to go empty something, or wash your hands, or check the roof to see if it’s on tight? I want private conversation with my lawyer.”
She smiled and shook her head. “No, sir. You know I can’t leave the room even a moment without being relieved. But I’m authorized by Dr. Hedrick to do this, sir: I can shut off the voice monitor to the remotes, then go over in that far corrner and watch video with the sound turned up high so that you’ll be certain I can’t hear you. Dr. Hedrick said you might want privacy in speaking with Mr. Salomon.”
“Well! The old bug—bug-hunter is human after all. You do that, Nurse.”
Shortly, Johann was able to say quietly, “You saw that, Jake? God knows there could be no harm in you alone watching me a few minutes—you could call for help if I choked or something. Anyhow, any trouble would show on their dials. But, no they chaperon me every second and won’t agree to the most harmless request. Look, very quietly now—do you have a pocket mirror on you?”
“Eh? Never carried one in my life.”
“A pity. Well, have one on you next time you’re in to see me. Tomorrow, I hope. Jake, Hedrick is a good doctor, conceded—but he won’t tell me anything. Just this week I asked him whose body this had been—and he wasn’t even polite enough to lie; he just told me that it was none of my business.”
“It isn’t.”
“Huh?”
“Remember the contract I worked out? It said—”
“Never read it. Your pidgin.”
“I told you; you didn’t listen. Donor’s privacy to be respected unless donor specifically grants permission to breach it…and even then his estate must confirm after death. In this case neither proviso was met. So you can never be told.”
“Oh, rats. I can find out, once I’m up and around. I would never publicize it; I just want to know.”
“No doubt you will find out. But I won’t be a party to breaching a contract with the dead.”
“Hmm. Jake, you’re a stiff-necked old bastard; it wouldn’t do any harm. All right, all right. But get me that mirror. Look, you can get me one now. Go into my bathroom, usual excuse, and look around. Search. Four or five small mirrors in there, drawers and such—or were the last time I was on my feet. Almost certainly still are. Just don’t let a nurse see it. In your pocket. Or under your jacket.”
“Why don’t you simply ask for one?”
“Because they won’t let me have one, Jake. You may think I’m paranoid but I am being persecuted by this high-and-mighty doctor. Won’t let me see my new face in a mirror. Okay, it’s probably scarred; I don’t care. Won’t let me look at myself at all. When they work on me they put up a chin screen; I haven’t even seen my hands. Would you believe it, I don’t even know what color I am. Am I a soul? Or a honk? Or something else? It’s maddening.”
“Johann, it might be literally maddening for you to see yourself. Before you have your strength back.”
“What? Oh, be your age, Jake; you know me better than that. If I’m the ugliest thing since wart hogs and covered with purple stripes, I can take it.” Johann grinned. “I was ugly as sin before the operation; any change for the worse can’t be great. But I tell you no lie, old friend; if they keep treating me like a retarded child, they really will drive me off the rails.”
Salomon sighed. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Johann, but it is no news to me that they won’t let you see yourself in a mirror—”
“What?”
“Steady down. I’ve discussed it with Dr. Hedrick and with the psychiatrist working with him. They are of the opinion that you could suffer a severe emotional shock—one that might give you a grave setback, even (as you say) ‘drive you off the rails’—if you see your new self before you are fully well and strong.”
Johann Smith did not answer at once. Then he said quietly, “Pig whistle. I know I’m physically something else now. What harm do they think it could do me?”
“The psychiatrist mentioned the possibility of a split personality.”
“Move around and look me in the eyes. Jake Salomon, do you believe that?”
“My opinion is neither relevant nor competent. I am not going to buck your physicians. Nor help you to outwit them.”
“So that’s how the wind sets. Jake… I am sorry to be forced to say this—but you are not the only lawyer in this city.”
“So I know. I am sorry—truly sorry!—to be forced to say this, Johann—but I am the only lawyer you can turn to.”
“What do you mean?”
“Johann, you are now a ward of the Court. I am your guardian.”
Johann Smith was slow to answer, then barely whispered: “Conspiracy. I never thought it of you, Jake.”
“Johann, Johann!”
“Do you mean to keep me locked up forever? If not, what’s the price to turn me loose? Is the Judge in on it? And Hedrick?”
Salomon controlled himself. “Please, Johann, let me speak. I’m going to pretend that you never said what you did say…and I’ll have a transcript of the proceedings brought here for you to see. Hell, I’ll have the Judge himself fetch them. But you’ve got to listen.”
“I’m listening. How can I help listening?—I’m a prisoner.”
“Johann, you will cease being a ward as soon as you are able to appear in court—in person—and convince the Judge—Judge McCampbell, it is, an honest man as you know—convince McCampbell that you are no longer non compos mentis. He took the step reluctantly—and I had to fight to be named your guardian, as I was not the petitioner.”
“So? And who asked to have me committed?”
“Johanna Darlington Seward, et aliae—meaning your other three granddaughters, too.”
“I see,” Johann said slowly. “Jake, I owe you an apology.”
Salomon snorted. “For what? How can you do or say anything calling for an apo
“Whew! Hand me the traditional piece of snuff; that was razor sharp. Dear little Johanna—I should have drowned her at birth. Her mother, my daughter Evelyn, used to shove her into my lap and remind me that she was my namesake. Jake, the only thing that brat ever did for me was to pee on my trousers—on purpose. So June and Marla and Elinor are in it, too. Not surprising.”
“Johann, they darn near made it. I had to resort to everything short of treason to get it into Judge McCampbell’s court. Even then, only the fact that I have held your general power of attorney for an unbroken fifteen years kept the Court from naming Mrs. Seward as guardian and conservator. That and one other thing.”
“What other thing?”
“Their stupidity. If they had shot for guardianship right off, they might have made it. Instead their first move was to try to have you declared legally dead.”
“Well! Jake, do you suppose—later—that I can cut them out of my will entirely?”
“You can do better than that; you can outlive them. Now.”
“Mmm, yes, I suppose I can. I will! It’ll be a pleasure.”
“That move wasn’t serious, just stupid. Stupid lawyer. Took four days for the expert witnesses to unwind, took the Court four minutes to rule in accordance with ‘Estate of Parsons v. Rhode Island.’ Hoped I had seen the last of them then; that diploma-mill shyster seemed pretty cowed. Then Parkinson got into it…and his lawyer is not stupid.”
“‘Parkinson’? Our boy Parky, our idiot ex-director?”
“The same.”
“Hmm. Von Ritter was right; it doesn’t pay to humiliate a man. But how could Parky show an interest?”
“He didn’t. That Parkinson put them up to it is simply a conclusion but a firm one—Parkinson’s mother-in-law’s lawyer and Parkinson himself present every day in court, a happy spectator. Johann, I didn’t dare ask that the matter be continued during your recovery; our own expert witnesses were unwilling to testify that you would ever be yourself again, able to manage your own affairs. So we stipulated your temporary lack of competence—surprised ’em, caught ’em unprepared—and I had our attorney move that I be appointed your guardian pro tem. Made it. But Johann, as soon as this was in the wind I started shuffling stock around. For several weeks Teal held a big chunk of your voting stock—Teal is okay; you made a good choice—Teal held all of your stock that I now hold, using money I lent him. An open transaction that could be verified, none of this ‘ten dollars and other valuable considerations’ dodge. During that period, your stock that I had sold to Teal using my money, plus Teal’s stock that he already had, plus what I have long held, was voting control…because I knew that if I lost, the next day Parkinson would show up with proxies for your stock—signed by your granddaughters—and demand a stockholders’ meeting and kick me out of the chair and fire Teal as president. Yet I didn’t dare buy stock from you myself—or I would go into court as an interested party and the other side might sniff it. It was touch-and-go for a while, Johann.”
“Well, I’m glad we’re out of the woods. Parky.”
“We aren’t. Other actions coming up, none of which you need worry about today.”
“Jake, I’m not going to worry about anything. I’m going to think about birds and bees and fleecy clouds and enjoy the wonderful taste of Cream o’ Wheat. And prunes, strained prunes fixed baby-style. I’m just glad to know that my oldest friend didn’t knife me while I was unconscious and sorry as hell I thought so even for a moment. Oh, I still think you’re a timid, gutless, stinking sissy not to help me out on this mirror nonsense but we’ll argue that another day. I can wait if I have to; I see why you don’t want to buck a psychiatrist if I have to go into court when I’m up and convince Judge McCampbell that I can still hit the floor with my hat.”
“I’m glad to hear it. And I’m glad to see that you are getting well, Johann. I’m certain you are since you are again, or still, the same stinking bad-tempered, unreasonable old scoundrel you always were.”
Johann chuckled. “Thanks, Jake—and I see that you are in good health, too. May we never see the day we talk sweet to each other. What else is now? Oh, yes! Where in hell is my secretary? Eunice, I mean. There is not a one of this gang of kidnappers around me who ever knew her…and they show no interest in trying to find her. Oh, Garcia knew her by sight—but he says that he doesn’t know where she is and claims he’s too busy to run errands. Told me to ask you.”
“Oh.” Salomon hesitated. “Do you know her address?”
“Eh? Somewhere at the north end of town. I suppose my accountant has it. Wait a moment! You took her home once, I remember clearly.”
“So I did. It was indeed somewhere in the north end. But those rabbit warrens all look alike. My guards may know. Hold it—your mobile guards escorted her for several months, right up to the time you went in for surgery. Have you asked them?”
“Hell, Jake, I haven’t been allowed to see anyone. I don’t even know that they are still working for me.”
“I’m fairly sure they still were when I left for Europe. But, Johann, while we can ask them, I doubt if it will do any good.”
“Why not?”
“Because I did see Eunice just before your operation. She was interested—she was fond of you, Johann, much more so than you deserved—”
“Conceded! Make it march.”
“Well, she didn’t mention specific plans but I don’t think she intended to stay in secretarial work. Hell, man, none of us expected that you would ever need a secretary again. I would happily have hired her myself; she is a good secretary. But—”
“I’m sure you would, you old goat. But surely you let her know that she could stay on my payroll forever? Well, until I died, at least.”
“She knew that. But she is a proud girl, Johann. Not a parasite. I’ll make an effort to find her. However, if I don’t, there are many good secretaries. I’ll find one for you. That’s a promise.”
“Look, I don’t want another secretary; I want Eunice Branca.”
“I meant—”
“I know what you meant. You’d find me some old witch who does perfect work but is no fun to look at or have around…while you’ve probably got Eunice stashed away in your office.”
Salomon said slowly, “Johann, I swear by all that’s holy that I do not have her in my office nor anywhere.”
“Then she did turn you down. Jake, I trust you with my life and all my worldly goods. But I don’t trust you or any man not to steal a perfect secretary if he can.”
“Nolo contendere. I did offer her a job anytime she wanted it. She did not accept.”
“So we find her. You find her.”
Salomon sighed. “What clues can you give me? Her husband, perhaps? Isn’t he an artist?”
“I suppose you could call him that. Look, Jake, don’t hold this against Eunice—but I would call him a gigolo. But I’m old-fashioned. I had to get a report when she married him. He was clean, no reason to lose the best secretary a man ever had just because she chose to marry him. Yes, he was an artist, one who didn’t sell much; she supported him. That was her business; Branca was all right—didn’t use drugs, didn’t even drink. But he wasn’t up to her. Illiterate. Surely I know how common that is today; I’m not prejudiced, I’ve got illiterates right in this house—and only God and Accounting know how many are working for Smith Enterprises. Branca may never have attended a school in which reading is taught. But I can give you one lead—if Eunice is not working as a secretary—easy to check through Social Security—and if they aren’t on the Welfare rolls—she won’t be, he might be—then check model agencies, video, artists, photographers, et cetera. For both of them. For he was as handsome as Eunice was beautiful; the snoopshot with the security report made that plain.”
“Very well, Johann; I’ll get a skiptrace firm on it.”
“Hell, put a regiment of detectives on it!”
“But suppose they dropped out? People do.”
Johann sniffed. “Perhaps he would, I would lay any amount that she never would. But if necessary, I want every Abandoned Area in this city combed.”
“Expensive. You send a private detective into an A.A. and the premium on his life goes sky high.”
“Didn’t you tell me that I have more money than I know what to do with?”
“True. But I don’t relish hiring a man for hazardous work even if he wants the job. But we’re borrowing trouble; it may take nothing more than getting Accounting to dig out that address. Or do a back check on a Social Security number with the customary small bribe. I’ll let you know.”
Salomon stood up to leave. Smith said, “Hold it. Will I see you tomorrow? And will you phone in a report—tell Hedrick or the physician on watch; they won’t let me talk on the phone—phone a report each day? Till you find her?”
“Every day, Johann.”
“Thanks, Jake. You’ll make Eagle Scout yet. Tell nursy she can come out of the corner now. They’re probably waiting to slip me my Mickey Finn—this is the longest they’ve let me stay awake so far.”
Two rooms away Salomon stopped to speak to Dr. Hedrick. The physician looked at him. “Rough,” he stated.
“Quite. Doctor, how long do you expect to keep your patient from using a mirror?”
“Hard to say. Progress has been rapid lately…but Smith still has very imperfect control of the new body. Plus tingling and itching and numbness—all to be expected—and imaginary pains. Psychosomatic, rather; they are real to the patient. Counselor, if you expect me to have my patient ready for a competency hearing any time soon, emotional shocks must be delayed as long as possible. That’s my opinion, though of course I am strongly influenced by Dr. Rosenthal’s judgment. Besides imperfect body control, our patient is weak and emotionally extremely unstable.”
“So I am aware.”
“Mr. Salomon, you look as if you needed another tranquilizer. May I?”
Salomon grudged a smile. “Only if it involves grain alcohol.”