If Not for You by Debbie Macomber
“What happened to him?” Beth asked, although she was fairly certain she knew.
Her face fell and she looked down at her hands. “He married someone else.”
“Oh.” Beth hurt for her aunt, who meant so much to her.
“Fortunately, your mother chose well and because she did we have you.”
Beth’s own heart was breaking just hearing her aunt tell the story. “Why didn’t you marry, or have children?”
“I could never love anyone as much as I did him,” she whispered, “and as for having no children, one thing your mother did for me that I will always be grateful for is giving birth to you.”
Tears filled Beth’s eyes.
“The instant I held you for the first time,” her aunt continued, “I knew that you were God’s compensation to me. I adored you and decided then and there that I wouldn’t ever let my sister keep me away from you.”
“I adored you, too. Your visits were the highlight of my childhood. I don’t know what would have happened if it hadn’t been for you.”
“I know, and your father knew it, too. Without him I fear Ellie might have kept you from me. I’d like to think she would have let me be part of your life, but I’ll never know for sure.”
Beth had renewed respect for her father. “This man you loved,” she said, carefully broaching the subject. “Have you ever thought about finding him again?”
Sunshine automatically shook her head. “No, never.”
“Seriously?” Beth so wanted her aunt to find happiness with this man she loved even if it seemed impossible.
“Seriously,” she returned sadly.
Studying her aunt, Beth had the feeling that Sunshine would give anything to talk to Peter again, anything to bridge the hurt that spanned the years.
Right then, Beth determined she would move heaven and earth to make it happen.
CHAPTER 27
Sunshine
Sunday afternoon Sam called Sunshine and asked to meet with her. She readily agreed. She liked Sam and admired him for the way he stood by Beth’s side during her lengthy recuperation. She saw in him the qualities of a man who would move heaven and earth to protect the ones he loved. While he might look a bit unconventional with his beard and tattoos, she knew he was solid. As a bonus, Sam wasn’t a man her sister could easily intimidate. She wasn’t entirely sure what was going on with him asking Beth to date other men, but she suspected she was about to find out.
Sam suggested they meet at a coffee shop close to Sunshine’s studio. He had claimed a small table and was waiting for her when she arrived. She purchased her decaffeinated tea and joined him.
They exchanged greetings and then Sam got to the heart of the matter. “I’m afraid I made a mistake with Beth.”
“She told me.”
He looked relieved not to have to spell it out. “You’re a good man, Sam Carney.”
“Not the point,” he said, clearly not looking for praise. “I care about Beth and now I’ve dug myself into a hole and I’m not sure how to get out of it.”
Sunshine blew on her tea, which was boiling hot. “Did you mention to Beth that we were meeting?”
Disgruntled, he looked away. “No chance. She’s seeing one guy or another nearly every night. Every time I think of her with another man, I nearly blow a gasket. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I thought…” He paused and rammed his fingers through his hair. “Hell if I know what I was thinking. I was afraid, I guess, worrying that we were getting too involved too quickly. In some part of my head I assumed she’d balk, insist she only wanted to see me. Little did I realize she had men lining up just waiting for the opportunity to date her.”
“And now you hate that she’s seeing other men.”
“Damn straight.”
Sunshine grinned, proud of her niece, proud of the way she’d handled the situation. “Then tell her.”
“I thought that was what you’d say. Just not sure how to do it.”
“And keep your pride intact,” she added.
His shoulders slumped as he nodded. “I am a fool.”
“Even fools deserve a second chance, Sam. Beth thinks the world of you. If it were me I’d play it cool.”
“You would? How?”
Sunshine sipped from the edge of the cup, the hot liquid nearly scalding her lip. “Call her and ask her out, explain that you missed her and hope she’ll give you a second chance.”
His eyes brightened and he straightened. “You think she’d agree?”
“I can guarantee she will.”
Sam relaxed and leaned against the back of the chair. “Then I’ll do it. I’ll see if she can squeeze me into her busy social calendar.”
“It gives me no small pleasure to see her come into her own,” Sunshine said. “In only a few months, she’s done so much to establish herself—made friends, volunteers to give piano lessons to children who can’t afford it. I couldn’t be more proud of her.”
Sam’s smile was wide and genuine. “I realize now how special and wonderful Beth is. I can’t believe I nearly let her go because of my own fears.” He seemed lost in his thoughts. “Rocco tried to tell me,” he said, “but this was something I had to learn on my own.”
“I don’t think I realized just how special Beth is myself until she moved here. She didn’t have a job and was determined to find something that would support her without relying on her parents. She wouldn’t accept financial help from me, either. Getting hired as a music teacher has God’s fingerprints all over it. The man she replaced had been at the high school for years and decided to retire at the last minute. That was how the position became open. Although untried, Beth’s qualifications were impeccable.”
“Her students love her.”
Sam wasn’t telling Sunshine anything she didn’t already know.
“She’d only been at the school a couple weeks before the accident, and even in that short amount of time endeared herself to the faculty and the kids,” Sam said. “Several of the staff and students stopped by to visit while she was recuperating.”
Sunshine swelled with pride. “Like I said, she’s come out of her shell and I give a lot of the credit to you.”
As he had earlier, Sam brushed off her praise. “Doubt that. Whatever changes there are in Beth are of her own making.”
Sunshine was amused by how unaware he was of the strong influence he’d had on Beth’s life.
His face tightened. “And if that means swallowing my pride and admitting that I made a mistake, then so be it.”
—
After leaving Sam, Sunshine headed back to her studio, where she worked for two uninterrupted hours. She had a good feeling about him and a firmer confidence in the future for her niece. Although he hadn’t said as much, she was fairly confident Sam was falling in love with Beth. He hadn’t been willing to own up to how strongly he felt about her until it hit him in the face. Truth be told, Sunshine was glad this had happened if for no other reason than forcing Sam to acknowledge his feelings for Beth.
Sunshine was determined not to let her sister pull the two apart. If Beth and Sam eventually drifted away from each other, it would be of their own doing and not forced on them by outside forces.
Thinking about Ellie made Sunshine’s teeth clench, and before she knew it the hand that held the paintbush tightened. At that point she knew she was finished for the day.
Ever since Beth had questioned her about Peter, Sunshine’s head had been full of long-buried memories, of all the might-have-beens, and the taste of Peter and Ellie’s betrayal. She’d been hurt and angry with him, unwilling to forgive him or her sister when she’d moved to California. Her art had become her solace, her escape, her life. Her work was filled with the hunger and thirst of revenge, wanting to lash out and hurt them both for what they had done.
It was her unwillingness to forgive that had driven Peter away. The funny thing was, although there was little humor in it, she did eventually let go of her anger toward Peter. It was har
Sunshine couldn’t think of him without heartfelt regrets of her own. He’d abandoned what he loved most and given in to his father’s demands. Sunshine’s heart hurt for him, knowing how he would have hated standing in a courtroom, writing briefs and dealing with disgruntled clients. He was meant to work in a studio creating sculptures that would bring light and beauty to the world.
It took the warm winds of California, her own success as an artist, and time for Sunshine to forgive him, but by then it was too late. Peter had married someone else.
As the years passed, she thought about him less often and discovered the grip on the pain he’d caused her had slipped, to be replaced with the memories of the love they’d once shared.
They were both young, ridiculously in love, confident nothing would ever shake the foundation of their commitment to each other…until Ellie.
Sunshine cleaned up her studio and returned home and put together a salad for her dinner later with Beth. Her niece’s curiosity about her long-lost love had awakened memories she had tried to bury. After all this time, she should know holding them back would be impossible. She might as well have tried to dig a grave in swampland, where the body would repeatedly rise to the surface just as her memories did.
The years had given her the grace to pray that Peter had experienced a good life and that his marriage had been a success. She didn’t want him to live with regrets and bitterness. She hoped that over time he’d found contentment and satisfaction as an attorney and that he hadn’t completely abandoned his love of art. He’d been so beautifully talented. It pained her to think that all that ability had lain dormant and wasted.
Several times over the years, she’d been tempted to contact him, especially when visiting family in Chicago. Each time her courage had failed her. As much as she wanted to talk to him, as much as she longed to explain that she was ready to release the hurts of the past, as much as she wanted to say all was forgiven, she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t barge into his life and his family with words that had the potential to start a firestorm for him and his family.
Unable to face Peter, years earlier she’d written him a letter with no return address. At the time it was important she let him know she had absolved him from guilt. She’d needed to tell him she’d found her own happiness and that she would always love him. Thankfully, she’d never mailed it, although she had kept that lengthy missive tucked between the pages of her journal.
Shortly after Beth brought up his name, she’d gone through a chest where she kept her journals, and after sorting through several leather-bound volumes, she found the one with the letter carefully placed between the thick pages. With tears in her eyes, she’d reread it, surprised to find there was more to that letter than words. Between the sentences, woven through each thoughtfully written line, what so clearly jumped from the page was love. A love so strong that even now she felt it tightening her chest and filling her eyes with tears.
That letter as well as any other personal contact had the potential to upset the life Peter had made for himself. Sunshine refused to be responsible for bringing discord or regret into his life, and so she’d never mailed it.
Despite her desire to know about him, about his work and art, she’d never sought him out.
—
Beth arrived for dinner around six and in good spirits. Right away she mentioned a call from her parents.
“Dad called me back.”
“Your dad?” Sunshine asked, immediately wondering if there was something wrong. “Is there a problem at home?”
“No. That was my first thought, too. Dad put Mom on the line and you won’t believe this when I tell you.”
“Then tell me, Sweet Pea.”
“She asked if it would be all right if she and Dad flew out for Thanksgiving.”
“Really?”
“And what did you say?”
She grinned sheepishly. “I told them I’d be happy if they did, with one small stipulation. Which involves you.”
“Me?” Sunshine repeated, surprised.
“I said they could come, but only if you hosted the dinner.”
After her initial shock, Sunshine burst out laughing. “You little devil. I imagine that gave your mother pause.”
“I assumed it would, but I was wrong. She said she’d like that.”
Sunshine felt like her legs had gone weak on her. “You’re joking?”
“Not in the least. You don’t mind, do you?” Beth asked.
Without a moment’s hesitation, she agreed. “I wouldn’t mind at all.” It was time Sunshine mended fences with her sister, and it seemed Ellie was maybe eager to look past the wounds of the past as well.
Sunshine placed the huge bowl of greens in the center of the table. “I wonder if your mother is going to recognize the new you.”
Beth’s beautiful face was transformed by a bright smile.
They ate and chatted and laughed together. Beth was as dear to her as any daughter would have been. She saw in this woman much of herself and all the good parts of her sister. It gave Sunshine pride that she had played an important role in her niece’s life, offering her encouragement and small reprieves of independence and happiness.
After they finished their meal, she stood to do the dishes. Wanting Beth to relax, Sunshine shooed her niece into the living room. “Make yourself comfortable,” she said. “This won’t take any time at all.”
Beth went into the cozy room with its art-filled walls but came back into the kitchen almost immediately.
“Sunshine,” Beth said softly. “What’s this?”
She turned to see what was in her niece’s hand and felt all the color drain out of her face.
Beth held the letter Sunshine had written Peter so long ago. She quickly took hold of it and offered her niece a sad smile. “Nothing important,” she offered lamely, and tucked it away out of sight.
CHAPTER 28
Beth
Beth had read the first few lines of the letter before she realized what it was and stopped. It was too personal, too private. Yet from those few lines alone she was able to look inside her aunt’s heart. Love and forgiveness throbbed in every word. That was when she realized the decision had been made for her. It didn’t matter if Peter Hamlin was married. Her goal wasn’t to reunite two lovers; it was to help them along the path of recovery from the emotional wounds they each carried.
Monday, during her break for lunch, Beth called the law firm again, hoping to chat with the semiretired receptionist Sondra Reacher.
“Hamlin, Wilkens and Bower,” the receptionist answered.
“Oh good, it’s you,” Beth blurted out.
“I beg your pardon.”
“It’s Beth Prudhomme,” she said. “Remember? We talked earlier?”
“Are you the girl asking about Mr. Hamlin?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“I thought I put you through to him once already. Let me tell you he wasn’t happy about it, either.”
“You did, and I appreciate it. And you’re right, he wasn’t interested in talking to me.”
The older woman made a huffing sound. “That doesn’t surprise me.”
“I was wondering,” Beth ventured carefully, “would it be possible, would you mind talking to me about a personal matter involving Mr. Hamlin?”
Her request was received with an eerie silence until Beth was convinced the line had been disconnected. “Hello?”
“I’m here. I have a question for you, missy—are you trying to get me fired?” the woman asked incredulously.
??
“Is this a setup?” she demanded next.
“No, I swear.” This wasn’t going well, and Beth instantly regretted asking the favor.
“These young girls the firm has answering the phone these days aren’t worth near what I am. They know it and have got it out for me.”
“I’m sorry,” Beth said. “I didn’t mean to offend you. The reason I’m asking is because I know someone who knew Mr. Hamlin years ago. Someone he loved and who loved him.”
“When was this?” Sondra Reacher asked, lowering her voice.
“Nearly thirty years ago.”
“And you know this person how?” she demanded.
“I’m her niece,” Beth supplied.
After a short hesitation, Sondra whispered into the phone. “I can’t talk here. Too many ears, if you know what I mean. Give me your phone number and I’ll call you back this evening.”
Excited now, Beth quickly relayed the phone number. “There’s a two-hour time difference between here and Chicago and I’m not out of school until three-thirty, so please don’t phone until after six your time.”
Her words were met with a short hesitation. “Just how old are you, child? You still in school?”
“I’m a teacher.”
“Okay, then. You’re not underage or anything?”
“No, not at all.”
Her voice dipped again. “You do realize this could get me fired.”
Beth’s hopes did a tumble. “If you’d rather not, I understand and I won’t blame you for being cautious.”
“My husband would have disapproved, but he’s been gone three years so I do what I want these days. That’s one of the compensations of being a widow.”
“You’d risk your job to talk to me?”
“You gonna tell anyone it was me?”
“No.” And she wouldn’t. Beth fully intended to keep her promise. She was willing to accept full responsibility for whatever fallout came from their conversation.
“Then I’ll talk. Mr. Hamlin needs help and if this person…your aunt, can take that gruff edge off him, then it will be worth the risk.”