In Pursuit of Peace: 21 Ways to Conquer Anxiety, Fear, and Discontentment by Joyce Meyer

  Everyone in life has a right to privacy. There may be things we don’t want people to know or see. No matter how close we are to someone, we all have a right to and a need for privacy. Even in a marriage, we need a certain amount of privacy. For example, I don’t like for anyone to get into my purse without my permission, not even my husband. It is not because I am hiding anything—there is nothing in my purse that would be a problem for anyone to see—but it is my private space to keep my personal things, and I want others to respect my right to have that space.

  I never get into Dave’s wallet unless he asks me to. If I had an emergency and needed money, I would do it, but I don’t go through his private things. I don’t go through his briefcase, because that is another area where people keep things that are special to them. Once again, it is not because people are hiding something, it is simply to respect their privacy. By doing so, we are respecting their rights as persons.

  I had a relative once who came to my house, and without asking, ate things out of the refrigerator. Often the person ate the last of something, not caring whether or not we had any plans to use it ourselves. This is rude and unacceptable behavior. I had to talk to this person about it, though this individual really should not have even put me in the position to need to say something.

  Sometimes we pressure others and cause them work because we don’t respect their privacy properly. Some people ask questions they should not ask, some are nosey, and some are just unwise. I am a very straightforward individual and I ask lots of questions, but I also try to use wisdom and not breach anyone’s privacy. I would not ask someone how much money he or she made, for example. I would never ask someone who was obviously overweight how much he or she weighed. I would not ask someone how much he or she paid for an outfit of clothing unless it was someone to whom I was very close and whom I knew I would not offend. If someone is wearing what appears to be a large diamond, I would not normally ask if it was real or fake.

  Because I am straightforward, I usually tell people, “If I ask you something you don’t want to answer, just tell me, and I won’t be offended.” I am very open about my life and sometimes need to be reminded that not everyone is that way.

  Be clear about what you want in relationships, and be ready to confront people lovingly when they do not honor your boundaries. The way you begin relationships is the way they continue, so if you don’t approve of something, don’t be afraid to speak up. When you let something go and don’t deal with it, people view it as approval and usually get worse.

  Very often people don’t confront others, which is another way of saying they don’t establish boundaries. Confrontation frequently offends people simply because unbridled human nature wants to do whatever it wants to do without concern for others. This is not healthy for any relationship or person. We all need to hear people say in various ways, “You can go this far and no farther.”

  We need to let people know what we are and are not willing to do. For example, grandparents should be able to say, “I will baby-sit once in a while, but not all the time.” If they want to do it more, that is fine, but they should not be made to feel as if they are bad grandparents if they don’t choose to. Once again, we should remember that we all have different lifestyles and tolerance levels, and no one should be shamed because he or she doesn’t desire to do what someone else does.

  My daughter’s mother-in-law loves to watch the grandchildren. She does it all the time, many times for days at a time. I would not want to do that, not because I don’t love my grandchildren—I do love them very much, and I minister to them in other ways—but my lifestyle would not permit me to spend most of my free time baby-sitting and at the same time remain happy. I would resent it.

  Lots of people do many things they resent simply because they don’t understand the importance of boundaries. Boundaries not only protect us, they protect other people and the longevity of relationships. Boundaries protect our peace!

  KEEP WRONG PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE

  Perhaps nothing affects us more than the people with whom we spend a lot of time. The Bible has a lot to say about what kinds of people we should not let into our lives.

  For example, the Word tells us not to associate with someone who gets drunk or is a glutton or robber, who is guilty of immorality or greed, is an idolater, or is a person with a foul mouth (see Proverbs 23:20-21; 1 Corinthians 5:11). Why not? Simply because we are tempted to do what others do, and these behaviors lead to unhealthy ends. Have you ever decided you were not going to eat dessert and then changed your mind because others decided to eat it? Obviously I am not saying it is wrong to eat dessert; I am simply making the point that we are easily swayed by what others do.

  If people have no measure of discipline in their lives, they may gossip and tell your secrets. Undisciplined people quite frequently live under the curse of a spirit of poverty, which literally affects every area of their lives. Prosperity or poverty is much more than merely a financial matter.

  People who function under a poverty spirit will usually do everything poorly, or at best, mediocre; they never press into excellence. They are often late for appointments if they show up at all. They are in debt, and their possessions are in disarray. Things they own are dirty or in need of repair. They may have poor health and many broken relationships.

  The people with whom we associate partially determine our reputations. I choose to associate with people of whom I am proud, not ashamed. Occasionally we spend time with people for the purpose of trying to help them, but we must have our boundaries so we make sure they don’t eventually hurt us. Scripture warns us about associating with those who indulge in idle conversation: “He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets; therefore associate not with him who talks too freely” (Proverbs 20:19).

  We can be sure if someone is talking to us unkindly about others, he will most likely talk the same way about us. I had many disappointments in relationships until I realized this truth and set boundaries on whom I choose for friends.

  I once met someone I actually liked very much. We had a lot in common and could have been good friends, but I kept noticing that we never spent time together without this individual saying something derogatory about somebody. It actually made me afraid to go deeper in relationship because I felt sure this person would do the same thing to me. I might spend time with someone like that occasionally, but I would not let him or her get very close.

  We should not be hesitant to establish boundaries to protect ourselves. If we want peace, we need to fellowship with people who work for and make peace too.

  We should not develop relationships with people who have a spirit of rebellion. Paul said at the end of his message to believers in Thessalonica that they should not associate with anyone who refused to follow his instructions given in the letter (see 2 Thessalonians 3:14). In other words, avoid people who rebel against God’s guidelines. In our society today, it seems that rebellion is rampant, and many think rebellion is cool, or a sign of freedom. However, this is the exact opposite of the attitude that God teaches us to have in His Word.

  We are to submit to right authority in our lives, and those who refuse to do so have a serious problem. The Bible actually states that the spirit of rebellion at work in the world today is the spirit of antichrist (see 2 Thessalonians 2:7-8). We will never learn godliness from a rebellious person; instead, we will learn lawlessness. The following is a strong Scripture to which I have had to give much thought:

  But now I write to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of [Christian] brother if he is known to be guilty of immorality or greed, or is an idolater [whose soul is devoted to any object that usurps the place of God], or is a person with a foul tongue [railing, abusing, reviling, slandering], or is a drunkard or a swindler or a robber. [No] you must not so much as eat with such a person. (1 Corinthians 5:11)

  I believe the same guideline applies that I mentioned earlier: help people if you can, but don’t let them hurt you. If we are spending
time with people hoping to be able to help them, to be an example to them, or to minister to them, we certainly cannot do so by refusing ever to be near them. But we must influence them and not allow them to influence us. I often say we need to make sure we affect them, and they don’t infect us.

  Jesus ate with publicans and sinners, but He did so in order to help them see the light, and by His example, also see the life that was available to them. Jesus said we are the light of the world, and we should not put our light under a bushel. In other words, we cannot stay hidden all the time and do the world any good.

  When I am with people I know have problems, and I don’t want to have the same problems, I keep my heart guarded to a certain degree. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life.” In other words, I am especially careful not to adopt attitudes or opinions that are contrary to what Scripture tells me. I set a boundary, and I let people come close enough to try to help them, but not to hurt me.

  BEWARE OF ENTANGLEMENTS

  It is unwise to become entangled in other people’s problems. Some individuals are what I call drains. They add nothing to my life, and Satan uses them to drain me of needed strength. Hebrews 12:1 states that we are to avoid every encumbrance and the sin that so readily entangles us. It is not only sin that does this, but also messy circumstances in other people’s lives. They weigh us down and steal the energy we need in order to pursue the call of God on our own lives.

  Second Timothy 2:4 encourages us as soldiers in God’s army not to get entangled in things of civilian life. The word entangle is the key thing to consider. Of course, we will always be involved with people, and many of them will have problems; we will also try to help them in the love and mercy of Christ. The Scripture does not say, “Don’t have any involvement with these types of people”; it says not to get entangled.

  To entangle means to complicate or confuse, to get into a snarl or a tangle. These difficult relationships bring pain into our own lives, just as trying to comb a bad tangle out of our hair brings pain.

  We comb our dog daily so her hair does not become tangled. On occasion, when we have let it get messy, it has been very painful and time-consuming to get the knots out. Likewise, we should watch over our lives and relationships regularly to make sure we are not out of balance, that we are not getting entangled in things that will drain us of energy and never really help anyone else.

  I love people, and the call on my life is to help them in whatever way I can; however, I finally had to learn that not all the people I try to help will actually receive help. Even the ones who claim they want it won’t always take what we offer. They may want to entangle us in their problems, they want to talk about them, go over and over them, and be bitter about them, but they don’t really want to move on beyond them.

  For some people, their problems have become their lives, and they wouldn’t know how to spend their time without them. Their problems become who they are: persons with problems to whom everyone is supposed to cater. This may sound a bit too stern if you are tenderhearted or are blessed with the gift of mercy, but when enough people have stolen your time, people who will never change, you understand what I mean.

  I spent three years ministering almost daily to a relative I loved and desperately wanted to help. The person claimed to want help and even made progress for periods of time, but the person always fell back into the same pit. It cost money, time, effort, and at the end, nothing was different from how it had been the day we began.

  I am not sorry I did what I did; I don’t regret any of the investment because I believe God often uses us to give people opportunity. All people are entitled to opportunity, but what they do with it is up to them. This individual had literally every opportunity to have an awesome life and still made a choice that brought more destruction.

  I knew very definitely when the day came that I was finished. The desire to be further involved totally left me. I received phone calls from others telling me I needed to help, to do something, to provide an answer for the person, but I was finished. I could not let this person make me feel guilty because I knew that I had followed God not only in trying to help but also in letting go. I had to establish a boundary that in this case said “Keep Out.”

  If I could have been emotionally driven or accepted a false guilt, I would have become entangled in something that God would not have given me the grace to withstand. When we do things without God’s grace, we are doing them in the energy of our own flesh, and it not only frustrates us, it also confuses and defeats us.

  I wasted a lot of my life trying to do things myself, independent of God’s help and approval. I flatly refuse to do so any longer. I will not be entangled with people who want me to use my time and energy trying to help them, when they really don’t want to change. I will not permit them to frustrate me and therefore steal my peace.

  Remember that Jesus said to stop allowing yourself to be “agitated and disturbed” (John 14:27). Some of the people and circumstances in life that upset us will never change until we establish boundaries and keep them out.

  Of course, we have helped thousands of people over the years. People who had serious problems have received what we offered and completely changed for the better. We have also learned to recognize the signs of those who will never change. They have had eternal problems, they talk about them incessantly, their problems are always someone else’s fault, they are hurt if you try to get them to face the truth or take any responsibility, and they won’t follow a program that someone designs for their recovery. As before, they say they want aid, but they somehow never end up applying it.

  You should never feel guilty about placing a boundary around your life that keeps out these types of people. You are actually not using wisdom if you don’t establish such boundaries. God’s Word calls us to peace, and boundaries are one thing that will help us keep it.

  FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT

  Establishing and maintaining proper boundaries prevents familiarity. This is very important because familiarity breeds contempt or disrespect. Think of how a person treats a new car. He admires it, thinks it is beautiful, washes it all the time, and expects everyone to be very careful when inside it. He allows absolutely no dirty shoes or food in the car.

  But what happens when the car has been around for a few years? It is now dirty all the time, dented, full of empty soda cans and hamburger wrappers. What happened? The owner became familiar with it, took it for granted, and no longer showed it the same respect he did when it was new. He could have kept it looking and running as if it was new had he given it the attention he had in the beginning.

  When people first come to work for our ministry, they think it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to them, and they are amazed at and extremely thankful for the opportunity God has given them. However, if they are not very careful, after time goes by they find themselves complaining about the very things they previously thought were wonderful. Why does this happen? One reason and one only: familiarity.

  We find a great example of the dangers of familiarity in the Bible concerning the ark of God. When David was attempting to bring it home, a man called Uzza put out his hand to steady the ark on the cart that was carrying it, and God struck him dead because no one was supposed to touch it (see 1 Chronicles 13).

  Uzza knew the strict guidelines concerning the ark, so why did he touch it? I believe it was because it had been stored in his father’s home for quite some time, and he had become familiar with it. Therefore, he felt he could take liberties. His respect level had lowered without his even knowing it, simply due to his being around the ark too much. In this case, familiarity cost him his life.

  Perhaps familiarity costs us more than we realize in our own lives. Perhaps we let godly relationships with people slip away because we have lost sight of their value in our lives.

  It is the same thing that happens in a marriage, or a friendship, or wit
h any privilege we are afforded. New things seem wonderful, but when we become familiar with them, we begin to have less respect for them, or even contempt. A new bride may hang on her husband’s every word and agree with him about each thing he says, admiring him openly for his wisdom. After ten years of marriage, she may be argumentative about all of his opinions, and yet someone she barely knows can have the same opinion as her husband and she will respect and receive whatever he says. Have you ever said to your spouse, “I told you the same thing they did, and you argued with me”? I have had it happen to me.

  The Lord once spoke to my heart, saying, “If you would show your husband one half of the respect you show your pastor, your marriage would be a lot better.” I am ashamed to admit that He was absolutely correct. Why did I behave that way? Not because I didn’t love my husband, but I had let familiarity lessen my admiration and willingness to receive advice from him. The pastor was a newer addition in my life at that time, and I had not known him long enough for him to seem familiar.

  How can we live with someone and not become familiar? Certainly we will know very well those with whom we spend a lot of time. But losing sight of why we first admired a person is what breeds familiarity and destroys the peace in God-ordained relationships.

  For this reason, many people in authority feel they cannot spend a lot of time with those under their authority. Their experience has been that most people will lose respect through familiarity. It takes a wise person, who is very spiritually mature, to work under someone’s authority and also be close friends with him or her.