Infinitely by Cheryl McIntyre
“Hi,” I whisper, relief washing over me.
He scrapes his fingers through his hair and pulls the bedroom door closed behind him. I watch silently as he steps over Kam, wrapped snugly in a blanket, and makes his way over to me. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until he lowers himself to sit beside me.
“Hi.”
I feel my lips lift into the first hint of a smile in I don’t know how long. Nothing about this situation is anywhere close to how it used to be with Benji, but having him close like this is so familiar. Comforting. I sigh softly.
“How are you doing?”
He shrugs, his arm bumping mine with the gesture. “I feel like shit,” he offers. “I want to claw my own skin off or rip out my hair. Maybe both.” He inhales deeply and releases it in a rush. “I’m so tired. I want to sleep so badly, but I can’t turn my mind off. I’m fucking twitchy as hell.”
I wonder briefly if it’s all from detoxing or if some of his sleeping issue is the same as mine. “Sleeping pills didn’t work?”
He chuckles without humor. “No. But I think Jaxon got the cheapest ones he could find. Those things couldn’t put a baby to sleep, let alone me. Coming off of oxy does that. I’m exhausted, but sleep just won’t come.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmur.
Benji drops his eyes, his gaze settling on his fisted hands. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I fucked up and now I have to pay the price.” He sighs harshly. “The hardest part is knowing I can make this all go away.”
I feel my brows pull together in confusion. “What do you mean?”
His eyes meet mine, studying me for a long moment. He drags his leg up, bending it at the knee and props his elbow. “I know that all I need to do is pop an oxy and it’ll take all this pain away.”
I shake my head, trying to wrap my mind around that. Is it really that easy? And if so, would he really do that? Give up so quickly? “You still have them?”
Benji shrugs stiffly. “Yeah. I told Megan I left them behind at the house, hoping if they were out of sight—out of reach—then they’d be out of mind. Doesn’t seem to be working though.” He blinks slowly, staring at the wall.
“I was trying to wean myself—thought it’d be easier,” he continues, huffing out a bitter laugh. “It wasn’t.” He brings his shaking fingers to his forehead and rubs roughly. “I know—I know—I should get rid of them. Flush them. But it’s like this security blanket. As long as I know they’re there, I can do this. It’s fucked up, but it is what it is.”
“But you won’t? Take them, I mean.” I have to ask. I can’t read this Benji. He’s a completely different person from the boy I grew up with. I have no idea what’s going on in his mind right now.
He gazes hard at me for several seconds, the rhythm of our mutual breaths the only sound. “No. I don’t think so. I want…” He drops his eyes, raking his fingers through his hair. “I want to get better. I can’t be like this. Not anymore.”
My bottom lip quivers as I watch him. He’s so big, strong. He looks like he can take on an army, but a little pill has reduced him to this stranger beside me. “I wish there was something I could do to help you.”
Even though he doesn’t look at me, I’m graced with one of his contagious smiles, dimples and all. “I know you do. You’ve always been like that—wanting to help everyone. Save the world one person at a time. It’s what I love most about you.”
I inhale sharply.
What he loves most?
I peer up at him, at his gorgeous face, and I internally beg him to look back at me. To explain what exactly he means by that. What he loves most.
He shivers, goose bumps visibly rising across his skin. His eyes pinch closed and he releases a pained breath.
“You okay?”
He shakes his head, his jaw clenched tight. “My stomach’s cramping.” I place my hand on his shoulder comfortingly. I hate feeling this way. This powerless. There has to be something I can do for him. Some way I can ease his pain or at least take his mind off of it. He leans into my side and it’s like we’re two puzzle pieces snapping together. Like he was made to fit against me, and I for him.
“Briar—”
The bedroom door closes, drawing both of our attention. Megan stands in the small hallway, her face pale and covered in a thick sheen of sweat. Her legs shake at the knees as she turns toward the bathroom. Before she can even get the door shut, the sounds of her vomiting echo throughout the small house.
A moment passes. Then two. I don’t know what to say. What to do. I don’t know her. She’s Benji’s girlfriend. He pushes to his feet without any of his usual grace and peers down at me, his face masked with regret.
“Try to get some rest,” he murmurs. “There’s nothing you can do for me, no matter how much you might want to.”
That’s bullshit. I know I can’t take all his pain away, but I can be here for him. He doesn’t need to go through this alone.
As I watch his retreating form, I realize he’s not alone. He has Megan. And she understands what he’s going through in a way I never can.
~*~
I wake to the sound of shouting. My heart hammers against my ribs as I try to untangle myself from the blanket wrapped around my legs, but my fingers are shaking too much.
“Get her the fuck out of here,” Kent growls.
“WHERE?” Jaxon yells. “Where the hell are we supposed to take her?”
I finally kick my feet free and stumble toward the angry voices, wiping the sleep from my eyes. I pause just outside of the spare room and peek around the corner. The first thing I see is Kameron, just barely within the room, leaning into Flynn’s side. Her hand is over her mouth and her eyes are full of horror. My gaze flicks up to Flynn’s face, but he’s staring, expressionless, at the bed.
I shift, turning my attention to the rest of the room. Kent has his hands fisted into his blonde locks, panic and rage contorting his features. Jaxon’s hands are on his hips, his nostrils flaring as he breathes heavily, his head shaking from side to side.
And then my eyes land on the bed. Benji is seated on his knees, his eyes closed tightly, tears rolling down his unusually pale cheeks. But it’s what I see next that has me grasping the wall for support. Megan’s upper half is draped across Benji’s arms, her head laid back like a rag doll, and her eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Her lips are such a vivid purple and there is a milkiness to her dilated dark irises. I know Megan is dead without being told.
Kent hisses through clenched teeth. He releases the death grip on his hair as he says, “I don’t give one flying fuck where the hell you dump her, but you better get her out of my house. I’m not going down for this shit.”
As my eyes lift from Megan’s ashen face, I notice Benji’s lips are moving. I can’t hear what he’s saying, but I can read his mouth form the word “no” over and over again. The pain he feels, so evident, crushes me. How much can these men lose before it’s too much to take?
“What happened?” The two words barely make it past my lips. I feel as if I’m being strangled. Choking on Benji’s sorrow and my own horror.
“They said she overdosed,” Kameron murmurs, staring straight ahead.
My eyes widen as Benji looks up at me and begins to rock Megan in his arms. “She must have heard us last night,” he says, his voice a flat monotone. Lifeless. “She must have heard me say I still had oxy. That it’d take away the pain.” He shakes his head as if shaking away the memory. “I only fell asleep for a few minutes. She must have waited…” He closes his eyes again, effectively closing us out. “It was so much harder for her.”
“I’m sorry man, but you can’t stay here anymore,” Kent states firmly. “Any debt I owed is paid. You’ve got twenty minutes to gather your shit. I want you all out. And lose my address.” He stalks past me and into his bedroom, closing the door. I hear the lock turn with a solid click.
“Benji,” Jax whispers as he leans onto the bed. The motion causes Benji to sway, but he doesn?
“What we’re going to do?” Benji huffs out a dry breath. “There’s nothing to do now. Nowhere to go. Nobody to help. She was my only hope. We’re fucked.”
I take Kam’s hand and back out of the room. She nods and takes hold of Flynn, urging him to follow. Once we’re back in the living room, I go about shoving our few belongings back into the backpacks. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, but I know we can’t stay here.
“What are we going to do?” Kameron asks as she watches me move quickly around the room.
“I don’t know,” I breathe. “Take her to the hospital?”
“Can’t take her to the hospital,” Flynn croaks. His words crackle in his throat as if it’s the first time he’s spoken in days. “Hospitals have cameras. They’ll call the cops and we can’t deal with cops, remember?”
“Well we can’t just dump her on the side of the road,” Kam counters.
Flynn shrugs gingerly. “We could find a dumpster or something.”
Kameron gasps, her eyes raking over Flynn as if she’s seeing him for the first time. “She’s not trash, Flynn. She was somebody’s daughter.”
“People care about her,” I add. “There has to be something else. Something better.”
“There isn’t,” Jax says as he joins us. He mimics my movements, fluttering around the room, gathering our belongings. “We walk into a hospital it’ll lead them right to us. The only choice we have is to drop her somewhere.
“I know it’s not right,” he continues when he’s met with our stunned silence, “but it’s the safest route. We ditch her and get as far away from here as quickly as possible. Fuck it. We might as well leave her with your dad’s car.”
I cringe as a disgusted chill makes it way down my back.
“Does she have family?” I ask. I don’t know why it matters, but I need to know. I don’t think I have ever spoken one word to Megan, or her to me, but she was important to Benji. That made her important to me, regardless of the jealousy I felt towards her. If she has parents out there, looking for her, wondering where she is…they should be notified.
“Megan didn’t have anyone but Benji,” Jax replies matter-of-factly.
It should be some small relief, but it isn’t. Not at all.
Kameron shakes her head. “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I want to go home. I’m not like this. I’m not cut out to deal with this shit.” She takes her bag from my hand and swings it over her shoulder. “I’m whiskey shots and town beauty pageants.” She flails her hands through the air frantically. “Not drug overdoses and dumping dead bodies. I can’t do it. I can’t.”
Jax drops his duffle bag to the floor and places his hands on each side of Kameron’s face. She continues to shake her head, but he doesn’t let her go. “None of us are meant to deal with this. I know. We were given a shitty hand, but we’ve already been dealt in. We can’t just walk away anymore.”
“Why not?” she husks as tears pool in her eyes.
“Because they will find you and they will kill you. I’m not willing to let that happen. I will keep you safe. I swear it. But you have to stay with me in order for me to do that.”
I’m holding my breath as I watch Kameron and Jaxon’s exchange until she nods her assent. Jax sags in relief and I release my breath, falling heavily into the chair behind me. Part of me wanted to hear Jax say she could go home—that we could all go home—even though I know it’s not possible. The other part of me selfishly hoped he would make her stay because I can’t do this without her.
Kam places her hands over top of Jax’s and asks, “What are we going to do?”
He presses his forehead to hers and sighs. “We keep running.”
26
Benji
Having hope is an incredible feeling. Freeing. To feel so much desire toward a specific outcome that you actually believe it could really, truly happen is one of the best sensations. Few things compare.
Sex. Drugs. Love.
They all give you a sense of fulfillment, if only for a moment.
But hope gives you the illusion of fulfillment. Something you’re always striving for. A goal always trying to be reached. It consumes you. It takes over before you ever even know it’s happening. You’re always waiting, anticipating in the end you’ll have what you want.
To have no hope is depressing, I guess. But when you don’t have something to begin with, you can’t miss it when it’s gone.
But to lose all of your hope—to have it ripped away from you—it’s such an abandoning feeling. Cold. Lonely.
I hadn’t realized how much I was clinging to my hope, or the way it kept me going when all I wanted to do was give up.
Megan had been that for me. She had been my hope. The one who knew enough dirt about Delphi to get me out of this mess.
And now she’s gone.
I hate her. I fucking hate her so much right now. How could she do this? She’s ruined everything. Without her, I have nothing. No way out. No insurance policy.
It’s over.
“Benji?” Jax stands at the door, his eyes raking over Megan’s unmoving form in my arms. “We’re ready to go. We should probably…”
I know what he wants to say. What he can’t bring himself to say. Even though he didn’t really know Megan, didn’t really care for her, he can’t make himself say it. But I know.
We should wrap her in something before we shove her into the trunk. Before we drop her into a dumpster or a hole somewhere. Before we move on like she never existed.
I nod. And then I let her slide out of my arms and onto the bed. I wipe the moisture from my eyes, from my cheeks. I want to scream. I want to rage. I want to tell her that I’m not crying for her. That I hate her so badly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to shed a single fucking tear for her. I’m crying because she’s ruined everything. Her greedy, selfish need cost me every-fucking-thing. I stare at her. Glare down at her lifeless eyes. How could you be so weak?
I wait. I actually wait as if she can somehow hear my thoughts. Can somehow give me an answer. And then I fold the blanket around her, lift her from the bed, and follow my brother out of the room.
I feel nothing.
I’m not sad. I’m not cold. I’m not tired, or wired, or jonesing.
I’m nothing.
“Take the keys off the hook,” I say flatly. Jax hesitates for a moment, his hand hovering over Kent’s keys. I narrow my eyes and he finally plucks them from their clip. I follow him silently out the door and it feels as if this isn’t real. Like someone else is carrying Megan’s body down the steps and placing her into Kent’s trunk. I slam it shut and curl my hand into a fist, resting it atop the car.
“What’s the plan now?” Jaxon asks me.
I huff out a bitter laugh and shake my head.
A plan.
We need another plan.
I turn around and jog up the stairs. When I get to the top, everything starts to catch up to me. The lack of sleep. The withdrawal. The panic. The fear. The pain.
My head spins. My stomach rolls. My head feels like it’s about to explode.
My oxy’s gone.
It’s gone. That fucking bitch took it all.
Alarm floods over me, dragging me under. Drowning me.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t think.
I can’t fucking breathe.
There’s no hope. There’s no hope. There’s no hope.
It’s gone.
All gone.
“Benji.”
My head snaps up. That one word—my name—spoken so softly and with so much fear—has me sucking in a breath. Then another, and another.
I stare into her pale green eyes and know I have to keep going.
I move quickly, ducking into the kitchen. I pull out the bottle of Penicillin, grab several syringes, and shove everything into the sm
“Did you pack the Gatorade and sleeping pills?” I ask Jax as I begin shuffling everybody out the door. He nods and I pull the door shut behind me.
Our group—now five—stands on the porch. They’re all looking to me for some kind of guidance. Some plan of action. Maybe they want me to tell them everything’s going to work out. That it’ll all be fine.
I don’t do that.
Because I have no idea how this will turn out in the end.
I let myself drop heavily onto the top step, my legs no longer willing to hold my weight. I clutch my stomach, waiting for the latest cramping to ease.
“Take Kent’s car,” I tell Jax, my voice cracking over each word. “Go to the parking garage where you left Briar’s car and put Megan in the trunk. She’ll be found quicker that way.” I pause because as it comes out of my mouth, I hear how fucked up it sounds. This is what I am now. And it scares me.
I hope this doesn’t blow back on Briar’s parents with the car in her dad’s name, but I can’t leave Megan in a dumpster. I just…don’t know what else to do.
How far can you sink before you no longer recognize yourself? Because I think I might be there. This is my bottom and the rocks are jagged as hell.
Jax hasn’t moved. Nobody has. They’re all still staring at me. I hate having to say this. To have to do this. But I have nothing else. I can’t give them more.
“I’d do it myself if I could,” I say. And it’s true. But we both know I wouldn’t make it at this point. I wipe the sweat from my forehead before it can drip into my eyes. “Come back when you’re done and we’ll figure out what to do next.”
Jaxon nods slowly. He keeps his eyes on me and I know he wants to say something. Probably cuss me out for fucking up his life. I deserve it. But he looks away, pivoting on his heels, and starts down the stairs.