J. by David Brining
xxiij
JERBOA appeared hand-in-hand with the young girl he had spotted in the car park. "Hiya, Ved," he said. "What did you think of the play?" Before she could give a truthful but diplomatic answer, he introduced his girlfriend as Matsukaze. "That's not her real name, of course," he added, a touch unnecessarily. The girl, all bunches, freckles and red dungarees, giggled. "No," said the boy, "Her real name is Jackie. Jackie Jezail."
"Jackie?" said Veda. "Short for Jacqueline?"
"Of course not," Jerboa exclaimed in a 'don't be an idiot' kind of tone.
"Jacaranda," said the girl patiently. "It's Jacaranda. What sort of moronic, damnfool name is Jacqueline?"
Jacaranda Jezail, schoolgirl,
is a prodigious collector of such diverse products as beer-mats, which she encases behind glass and catalogues according not to the brewery or particular brew but to the public house in which she acquired it, stray strands of cotton, usually white but occasionally silvery grey, or, once, a deep shade of turquoise, which she plucks from people's clothing and catalogues according to the type of garment from which each sample is untimely ripped, and cricketing anecdotes, mainly concerning the pre-Great War game.
Jacaranda Jezail is an enthusiastic dancer and represents her school in various competitions. She is currently the Northern Intermediate Jitterbug Champion.
Her proudest possession is her pet argonaut (or cuttlefish), Jake. Since she bred him, she has become something of an authority on the feeding habits of the captive cephalapod mollusc and has exchanged notes with Jonquil Jabot. Jacaranda once entered Jake in a "Best Kept Pet" competition but he disgraced himself when he sprayed the judge's wife (and Lady Mayoress) with thick black ink. Whilst urine might have been worse, the smell would not have been so overpowering. Jake has now been placed on a blacklist, as it were, which effectively prevents his entry in future competitions. He is now reduced to staring balefully from a hiding place under a bunch of weeds in the corner of his tank, stirring only to listen to Jacaranda's recitation of the greatest cricket poem of all time-
"When I faced the bowling of Hirst,
I called out "Do your worst."
He answered "Right you are, Sid."
And he did.
Like his mistress, Jake is an admirer of the said George Herbert Hirst, born in Kirkheaton, Yorkshire in 1871, who achieved 208 wickets and 2385 runs in 1906 season.
Jacaranda Jezail has been courting Jerboa Jenneting for some months and they have been known to spend a romantic evening or two under the moonlight on the Jarrow dockside exchanging amorous greetings and various pieces of factual information. Such a scene might develop thusly-
JERBOA Your hair sparkles with the dew of evening caught in the moonbeams
(PLACING AN ARM ROUND JACARANDA'S SHOULDERS)
And a study carried out by scientists in the Department of Lunar Studies at the University of Kalamazoo in 1985 showed that there are approximately fifteen thousand, one hundred and forty-nine individual atoms...
JACKIE Oh, Jerry, you say the most romantic things. (Spotting a white strand of cotton on his sleeve) You have a thread on your arm.
AS SHE PLACES THE THREAD IN A POLYTHENE POUCH HE THINKS, -
You can pull my thread any time you like
SAYS INSTEAD I'd do anything for you, Jackie, anything.
JACKIE Would you clean my shoe?
JERRY Anything.
JACKIE Catch a kangaroo?
JERRY Anything.
JACKIE Paint your face bright blue?
JERRY Anything.
JACKIE Go to Timbuctoo?
JERRY And back again.
JACKIE Join the I. Zingari Club?
JERRY Eh?
JACKIE A club, founded in 1845, entry to which requires candidates to stand in the nets without a bat and without pads, and face hostile bowling from the club's vice presidents.
JERRY Errrmm… I'd climb the tallest steeple in the county, Wakefield Cathedral, 247 feet
JACKIE Would you do that?
JERRY THINKS- I wish you'd climb on my steeple
SAYS INSTEAD
You know I would
JACKIE Well, I must say, I'm touched.
JERRY THINKS - Wish I was touched.
JACKIE Did you know William Yardley, a Rugby schoolboy, could throw a cricket ball 101 yards with his right arm and 78 with his left?
JERRY The largest snow castle on record was built at Settle in 1886.
JACKIE (BREATHLESSLY) Really?
JERRY The circumference was forty-two yards, the height fifteen feet, with seven turrets and three separate rooms inside. It could seat sixty children at any one time.
JACKIE (MOANING SOFTLY) Oh, Jerry
SHE NIBBLES HIS EARLOBE. JERRY FEELS ELECTRIC CURRENTS SWEEPING THROUGH HIS BODY.
Jacaranda Jezail was asked in a recent consumer survey to name, in forty-two seconds, the twelve lesser prophets of the Old Testament-
(Hosea, Joel, Amos, Obadiah, Jonah, Micah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi - perhaps not so difficult when one remembers that Jackie is a Yorkshire lass and will thus have encountered people with such names driving Land Rovers over various Dales to sup Old Sheepshagger in various pubs pausing only to grunt "A'reet" to their nearest and dearest and then curl up with embarrassment at such an outpouring of emotion)
Distracted by Jake's antics with a model castle nestling among the pebbles on the floor of his tank, she unaccountably omitted Nahum and thus did won neither a three month supply of Mintifresh Gel toothpaste nor a reduced subscription to Washing Powder Weekly.
Jackie Jezail plans to exhibit her collection of cotton strands under the general title "Hanging by a Thread" sometime in the future, if a suitable (i.e. draught-proof) venue can be found.
"Can I have this thread? For my collection?" Jacaranda picked a loose strand of cotton from Veda's sleeve. "I'll measure it later," she said, placing it carefully in a zip-lock bag. "Did you know that S.F. Barnes, the Smethwick fast bowler, took 189 Test wickets at an average of 16.43, but in the Leagues, he took 4000 at an average of 7?"
"No," said Veda, "I didn't," to everyone's evident surprise.
"George Brown, born in Surrey in 1783, a sixteen stone underarm bowler, was so ferocious that he required a wicketkeeper and two longstops, one wearing a sack of straw. Even this proved futile. On one occasion, the ball passed through the coat held by the second longstop and struck a large and very valuable dog, killing it instantly."
Veda looked around for an escape route.
"Percy Fender, the Surrey captain, scored, in 1920, a century in just 35 minutes against Northants, whilst A.E.J. Collins, a 13 year old pupil at Clifton School in 1899, scored 628 not out in a house match which lasted several days. He took six hours and fifty-nine minutes to amass this total over three or four games afternoons and was only prevented from adding to his score by threats of physical violence from those still waiting to bat."
To her great astonishment, Veda felt some relief as she spotted Mr Jambres wending his way towards them.
"Around about 1830," Jacaranda went on, "The Honourable Robert Grimston brought two bats to the crease, one large to block the bowling of the great Alfred Mynn and a smaller one with which to thrash other bowlers. However, in later life, he became a rather reactionary President of the M.C.C. and banned the use of a mowing machine on the grounds that such a device would render the Lords flock of sheep redundant."
Mr Jambres smiled and asked if they had yet eaten. "There's a terrific pie stall just over there." He waved towards the cloisters with his pipe. "Huge meat pies. Get something inside yourselves before the dancing starts."
Jerboa grinned. "I bet their meat pies aren't as big as the Great Pie of Denby Dale." Back in the limelight. "First baked in 1788 to celebrate the return to sanity of King George III, the tradition continues to this day and the pie of 1964 was baked in a dish a ton and a half in weight, eighteen feet in length, six feet in brea
"Hahaha," laughed Mr Jambres. "You won't find a pie that big here! Wensleydale cheese, perhaps, created by the Cistercian monks here at Jervaulx…"
"W.G. Grace, in four successive innings in 1876, scored 344 versus the M.C.C., 177 versus Notts, 318 not out against Yorkshire and 400 against a Lincolnshire XXII. He gave the law 'Braces are not worn' to the game."
"The heaviest pig in Yorkshire weighed fifty-one stone."
"Hello, my love." Jonquil. Thank God. Veda clutched at her company as desperately as she clutched at her arm. "Jeoffrey wants you to come and listen to..."