Kaleidoscope by Kristen Ashley
“Yep. That’s unfortunate timing,” Krystal confirmed.
I bit my lip.
“Is he… was he… did he…” Lauren was having trouble getting it out then she powered through, “How did he seem when he left?”
“He said we’d figure it out,” I told her.
“Well, that’s good,” Krystal put in.
“But he kissed me before I took off this morning and it… well,” I closed my eyes, opened them, leaned in and whispered, “Hurt.”
Krystal leaned in too. “He kiss you hard?”
“A lot of the time he kisses me hard. I like it like that. He likes it like that. But it wasn’t like that. It was… sad.” I shook my head, threw out my hands and carried on, “I know it sounds weird, a kiss being sad.” I felt my lip quiver, and to stop it I kept going. “But it was a sad kiss.”
“The good-bye before the good-bye,” Krystal said quietly.
“Krys,” Lauren said warningly.
Krystal shut her mouth.
But she was right and I knew it.
I put my elbow to the bar and my forehead in my hand.
“Emme,” Lauren called.
I kept my head in my hand but lifted my eyes to her. “I love him.”
“Oh, baby,” she whispered.
“I… he was… we’ve known each other for years and it’s always been him for me,” I shared.
Krystal leaned into her forearms on the bar and said, “If that’s so, girl, then maybe you should rethink this kid thing.”
I kept close but dropped my hand to the bar. “That’s not me.”
“For him can you make it you?” Lauren asked.
“Kids consume your life,” I told them.
“They don’t,” Lauren replied. “Even as they do. It’s just that it happens in a way you like.”
I didn’t agree.
Lauren went on, “I’ve never carried a child but Tate’s got a son. If you’ve been around these parts awhile, you probably know that his mother was killed, so Jonas is with us all the time. We’re a family. I got him when he was older but I treasure the day he came into my life and every day he’s been in it since.”
“That’s cool. You’re cool,” I stated. “You’re that kind of lady. But I promise, after that discussion, that kiss, I’ve been rolling it over and over in my head and I think about it. I think of giving in. And I just…” I swallowed. “Don’t want that to be my life. I never thought about it. Thinking about it, bottom line, it’s just not me.”
Lauren looked at Krystal but Krystal was looking at me.
“You two, you’d make beautiful babies,” she declared, and something about that hit me like a punch right in the middle of my chest, winding me.
“Been ’round Faye and Chace’s a lot the last coupla weeks. Faye says Deck’s been around a lot too. Sometimes with you, sometimes durin’ the day just to check in,” she informed me.
I knew this. Again, Jacob was determined to make a lasting impression on Chace and Faye’s baby and when he was determined, he did something about it even if the thing he was determined about couldn’t cogitate.
More, he and Chace were very close. Jacob was super happy that Chace was happy. And he was the kind of man who enjoyed sharing that kind of thing with someone he cared about.
That thought also hit me in the chest.
“Faye says that kid’s the apple of his eye,” Krystal kept talking. “Says it’s cute, how he is with little Jake. Now, we all know, nothin’ about Deck is cute, but I figure that’d be all kinds of cute, that big man bonding with a little baby. He has that with his best friend’s kid, what’s he gonna give your family?”
It was then, the vision of Jacob holding the newborn Jake, completely consumed by the child he held so gently in his strapping arms, hit me, which delivered another blow to the sternum and I was again finding it hard to breathe.
It’d been beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
Until later that night when he’d lifted his head, looked in my eyes and told me he wanted to build a life with me.
“My advice,” Krystal cut into my thoughts. “Do not make any decisions about ending things. Do not make any declarations about anything. He’s gone four days. You take four days to think on the man you got in your bed. How he looks at you. How he treats you. How, honest to God, there are not many good men out there. How he is with little Jake. How you got that rambling wreck of a house and how it’d come alive, filled with babies. And you reconsider.”
“Krys,” Lauren again said warningly, and Krystal’s eyes shot to her.
“Am I wrong?”
Lauren held her gaze then she looked at me. “She’s not, you know.”
“I—” I started, but Lauren darted her hand out and took hold of mine.
“Like Krys says, no decisions, no declarations. Four days and you take that time to think. If it really isn’t you, okay. If it’s something else, explore that. If you have some issue with carrying a baby, then consider adoption or surrogacy. If it’s something deeper and you can’t talk with Deck about it, you call me, Krystal, Faye, whoever, and chat. We won’t say anything to anybody. And we’ll listen.”
She gave my hand a squeeze and looked deep in my eyes, hers searching, and she kept going but this time softly.
“But Krys is only mostly right. My experience, but that’s only been lately, is that there are good men out there and that number is not limited. But that doesn’t mean they’re easy to find, easy to get or easy to keep.” Another hand squeeze then, “That also doesn’t mean you have to give up bits of yourself to get them. Give into something you don’t want that will change the course of your life to keep them. But it does mean you need to think very hard about any decision that will affect your future with them.”
Like Jacob that morning, my vision of her was swimming when she was done talking and I whispered, “Girl posses are awesome.”
The blurry vision of Lauren smiled.
“They’re about to get awesomer because we’re bringin’ in sandwiches, we’re gettin’ some of Shambles’s cakes from La-La Land and you’re drinkin’ yourself stinkin’ drunk with your girls,” Krystal declared.
I blinked my tears away, looked to her, gave her a wobbly smile and she went on.
“You’re trashed, Bubba’ll drive your car while Laurie or me drive you home. So you’re covered. Food. Booze. Company. And a safe way home. Now settle in, girl, we’re about to perform the initiation ceremony.”
My wobbly smile got stronger.
She didn’t smile at me.
She poured more vodka in my shot glass.
When it was full, I took it and threw it back.
* * *
Five hours later…
When I got home I went straight to my computer in the library.
I dumped my bag and turned my computer on.
I wasn’t exactly drunk, seeing as I’d switched to beer and sipping, and sandwiches turned into pizza later. Still, I was in no state to drive, so Krystal brought me home with Bubba driving Persephone (and complaining, with a hint of teasing but more grumpiness, about my “Free to Fly” butterfly on my rearview mirror, proving Jacob right about the whole Bronco thing).
As the computer came on, my eyes wandered to the wallpaper and my mind wandered to the fact that I really needed to do something about it. There wasn’t much of it but it was seriously ugly. The walls would look better stripped, even if it would likely take a year and a half to cover them with something better.
On this thought, my phone in my purse rang.
I pulled it out and saw it said “Jacob calling.”
That punch in the chest came back.
I took the call and put the phone to my ear.
“Hey, honey,” I said quietly.
“Hey, baby,” he replied in the same tone. “You have an okay day?”
“Well, my hair looks fabulous so it’s a shame you’re missing it. But having it done in the proximity of Bubba’s meant I didn’t
There was a smile in his voice when he replied, “It’s good you didn’t let that go to waste.”
I liked the sound of that smile and I loved him.
I loved him.
I again closed my eyes tight, opened them and stated conversationally, “I had a good gab with Krystal and Lauren.”
He knew what I was saying.
I knew this when he hesitated before replying, “That’s good, Emme.”
“We’ll talk when you get home,” I whispered.
Another hesitation, this one heavy before he came back to me, his deep voice holding a hint of relief, and God, God, I might have even heard hope when he said, “Okay, honey.”
“Okay,” I replied, sat up straighter, cleared my throat and asked, “Your day okay?”
“It just got better.”
Yet again, I closed my eyes.
His voice came back to me and I opened them.
“Do my best to get this shit done early so I can get back to my girl.”
“That’d be good.”
“Hang on,” he said, suddenly distracted. I hung on and half a minute later, he told me, “Gotta go, babe. Sorry. In the middle of something. Thought I had time. I don’t.”
“Okay, honey.”
“I’ll call tomorrow.”
“Right.”
“Have a good night, sleep well, baby.”
“You too, Jacob. Later.”
“Later, babe.”
He disconnected.
I put my phone on the desk, stared at it and lost sight of it when the image of Jacob holding little Jake filled my head.
I shook my head to clear it and looked at the computer. I logged in and pulled up Outlook.
Then I sent a message to Harvey.
It had been a while since we had a visit, and with Jacob gone, it was a golden opportunity.
But more, Harvey had lived a tough life. He’d made mistakes. He’d paid for them. He knew me. And he was wise.
So I wanted to talk to him about Jacob, about where we were, get his thoughts, see if they matched Krystal and Lauren’s. Then I was going to do what the girls advised I do.
Think very hard about a decision that would affect my future with Jacob.
My email to Harvey included me asking if he was free for a visit the next day. After it was sent, I wandered around doing normal things. Setting up the coffeemaker to make coffee for the morning. Putting away the clean dishes in my dishwasher. Going back to the computer to sort through emails that had come in.
While I was doing that, Harvey emailed back.
Always have time for you, Emme. How about noon? I’ll give you lunch. Drive safely.
I replied that I’d bring dessert, finished with my other emails and shut down my machine.
* * *
Fifteen hours later…
I parked on Broadway in Denver.
I was early.
I was early because I hadn’t slept great, thus was wide awake and ready to face the day at a God-awful hour. With nothing to occupy my mind except things I didn’t want occupying it, I decided to hit the road.
Harvey was expecting me at noon, which meant I had time to stop at Fortnum’s Used Books to get a coffee. When I lived in Denver, I went there all the time because the coffee was sublime. But also because it was just a cool place where you just wanted to hang. And the staff were hilarious.
I jumped down from the Bronco, cleared the door, my hand to it to slam it shut, my eyes moving the quarter of a block to the door to Fortnum’s that opened at a diagonal to the street corner.
I stopped dead.
And I stopped breathing.
But my heart started bleeding.
This was because Jacob was coming out of Fortnum’s, white paper coffee cup in his hand.
And with him was Elsbeth.
My hand clutched the edge of my door so hard it bit into my flesh as I stared, shocked, disbelieving, eviscerated, as they stopped on the corner.
Jacob looked down at her and gave her a small grin.
Already shredded, more pieces of me were torn away.
Elsbeth looked up at Jacob and returned his grin with a radiant smile.
Ragged and bleeding, more of me was stripped away.
Then Elsbeth moved into Jacob, rounded him with her arms and gave him a hug.
At that, standing there, seeing, breathing, feeling, still there was nothing left of me.
I could take no more.
I got in my truck, not looking, not doing anything but concentrating on getting the fuck out of there. I turned the ignition on Persephone, guided her into traffic, kept my eyes from Fortnum’s and drove right past.
Luckily, just blocks down Broadway, there was an interchange to I-25.
I took it and headed home.
Harvey was going to worry.
I’d explain it to him later.
* * *
Three hours later…
I zipped up the bag on Jacob’s bed that held all my stuff.
I swallowed.
I looked down at Buford.
His tail wagged.
The vision of him started swimming.
I blinked and moved to grab my bag.
I stopped when I saw the kaleidoscope on Jacob’s nightstand.
I was wrong earlier. There was something left to me.
I knew this because seeing that kaleidoscope sliced away the final part of me.
I went to it, picked it up, held it carefully, studied it.
It really was a thing of beauty.
Suddenly, my hand fisted around it and I whirled, my arm flying out.
Buford got up to his feet and backed away.
But my grip refused to let it go. So when my motions were done, I was cradling it to my chest.
“Why?” I asked Buford.
Buford stared up at me, tongue lolling.
“Why was he with her? He said he hated her. He said he never wanted to see her again.”
Buford said nothing.
I shook my head, lifted the kaleidoscope and put it to my eye.
I turned the dials.
I didn’t see beauty. What I saw just made me dizzy.
I put it on the nightstand, grabbed my bag, bent to Buford and gave him ear scratches.
“I’ll miss you, puppy,” I whispered.
He turned his head and licked my wrist.
I walked out of Jacob’s house, so in a state, I totally forgot to engage the alarm.
I also ignored it when I heard Buford start barking. He didn’t bark much so if I wasn’t in such a state, I would have paid attention.
I didn’t.
I had other things on my mind.
But before I drove away, I went next door and asked the woman there if she’d see to Buford.
With a curious look at me, she agreed.
* * *
Dane
“Shut it,” Dane said to the damned dog, kicked him back and shut the door to the bedroom, keeping the dog out.
Dane had been following Emme and when she arrived at this place, he’d slipped into the big, fancy-assed house behind her.
And he’d watched.
And he fucking hated what he saw.
His eyes moved to the kaleidoscope, then he walked there.
He picked it up but all he could see was Emme holding that fucking thing to her chest like it was her baby.
And that thing was Deck’s. It was in Deck’s house. And it was something that meant something to that guy, with his big house and heated pool who thought his dick was big enough he could stand outside the courtroom and stare Dane down like Dane was scared of his ass. Like Dane wouldn’t give a shit that Deck had moved in on his woman practically the minute they met on the street.
And he’d met Emme on the street when Dane was right fucking there.
That kaleidoscope was something that meant something to Emme too. It meant something to Emme and that fucking guy. Enough for her to cradle it. Enough for him to keep it on his nightstand.
So fuck him.
And fuck Emme.
Dane kept hold of the kaleidoscope and grabbed the box that obviously came with it and he moved to the window. He removed the screen, stole out, closed the window and put the screen back. He couldn’t lock it in place from outside but he didn’t give a fuck. If it fell out, it fell out.
Standing outside that fucking guy’s fancy-assed house in the cold, Dane made his decision of what he was going to do with that fucking kaleidoscope.
Then he did it.
* * *
Emme
Two hours later…
My phone rang.
Again.
I ignored it and ripped off more paper.
It stopped ringing.
I held the steamer to the wall of the library.
“No,” I whispered, pulling the steamer away and ripping off more paper. “No,” I repeated, putting the steamer back to the wall.
My eyes went fuzzy.
My cheeks got wet.
“No,” I whimpered. “All I need is me. Just me. That’s all I need.”
I ripped off more paper.
* * *
The next morning…
I sat at my desk in my office at the yard.
My cell on the desk rang.
I ignored it.
Chapter Fifteen
Always
That evening…
The first thing I noticed while driving up to my house was Jacob’s truck.
Strike that, it was Jacob leaning against the tail of his truck, arms crossed, ankles crossed, looking very angry.
He was home early.
To take my mind off that, the second thing I noticed was that Max and his crew had gotten a number of windows in.
Dad had given me my bonus. I’d given Max the go-ahead. He’d been working on my windows for a week. This was the start of week two.
At the front, there were now no boards on any windows as Max, per Jacob’s orders, saw to those first.
So now, outside of the fresh wood needing painting on the windows, my house looked like that. A house. A beautiful one.