Last Argument of Kings by Joe Abercrombie

  There was a stunned silence. The twelve old men stared. Then Torlichorm chuckled indulgently, in a manner that said, 'How will we shut him up?'

  'Your Majesty, Colonel West is known to you personally, and a brave man, of course…'

  The entire Council, it seemed, had finally found one issue on which they could all agree. 'First through the breach at Ulrioch and so on,' muttered Varuz, shaking his head, 'but really—'

  '… he is junior, and inexperienced, and…'

  'He is a commoner,' said Hoff, eyebrows raised.

  'An unseemly break with tradition,' lamented Halleck.

  'Poulder would be far superior!' snarled Sult at Marovia.

  'Kroy is the man!' Marovia barked back.

  Torlichorm gave a syrupy smile, of the kind a wet-nurse might use while trying to calm a troublesome infant. 'So you see, your Majesty, we cannot possibly consider Colonel West as—'

  Jezal's empty goblet bounced off Torlichorm's bald forehead with a loud crack and clattered away into the corner of the room. The old man gave a wail of shock and pain and slid from his chair, blood running from a long gash across his face.

  'Cannot?' screamed Jezal, on his feet, eyes starting from his head. 'You dare to give me fucking "cannot", you old bastard? You belong to me, all of you!' His finger stabbed furiously at the air. 'You exist to advise me, not to dictate to me! I rule here! Me!' He snatched up the ink bottle and hurled it across the room. It burst apart against the wall, spraying a great black stain across the plaster and spattering the arm of Arch Lector Sult's perfect white coat with black spots. 'Me! Me! The tradition we need here is one of fucking obedience!' He grabbed a sheaf of documents and flung them at Marovia, filling the air with fluttering paper. 'Never again give me "cannot!" Never!'

  Eleven sets of dumbstruck eyes stared at Jezal. One set smiled, down at the very end of the table. That made him angrier than ever. 'Collem West shall be my new Lord Marshal!' he screeched, and kicked his chair over in a fury. 'At our next meeting I will be treated with the proper respect, or I'll have the pack of you in chains! In fucking chains… and… and…' His head was hurting, now, rather badly. He had thrown everything within easy reach, and was becoming desperately unsure of how to proceed.

  Bayaz rose sternly from his chair. 'My Lords, that will be all for today.'

  The Closed Council needed no further encouragement. Papers flapped, robes rustled, chairs squealed as they scrambled to be first out of the room. Hoff made it into the corridor. Marovia followed close behind and Sult swept after him. Varuz helped Torlichorm up from the floor and guided him by his elbow. 'I apologise,' he was wheezing as he was hustled, bloody-faced, through the door, 'your Majesty, I apologise profusely…'

  Bayaz stood sternly at the end of the table, watching the councillors hurry from the room. Jezal lurked opposite, frozen somewhere between further anger and mortal embarrassment, but increasingly tending towards the latter. It seemed to take an age for the last member of the Closed Council to finally escape from the room, and for the great black doors to be dragged shut.

  The First of the Magi turned towards Jezal, and a broad smile broke suddenly out across his face. 'Richly done, your Majesty, richly done.'

  'What?' Jezal had been sure that he had made an ass of himself to a degree from which he could never recover.

  'Your advisers will think twice before taking you lightly again, I think. Not a new strategy, but no less effective for that. Harod the Great was himself possessed of a fearsome temper, and made excellent use of it. After one of his tantrums no one would dare to question his decisions for weeks.' Bayaz chuckled. 'Though I suspect that even Harod would have balked at dealing a wound to his own High Consul.'

  'That was no tantrum!' snarled Jezal, his temper flickering up again. If he was beset by horrible old men, then Bayaz was himself the worst culprit by far. 'If I am a king I will be treated like one! I refuse to be dictated to in my own palace! Not by anyone… not by… I mean…'

  Bayaz glared back at him, his green eyes frighteningly hard, and spoke with frosty calm. 'If your intention is to lose your temper with me, your Majesty, I would strongly advise against it.'

  Jezal's rage had been on the very verge of fading already, and now, under the icy gaze of the Magus, it wilted away entirely. 'Of course… I'm sorry… I'm very sorry.' He closed his eyes and stared numbly down at the polished tabletop. He never used to say sorry for anything. Now that he was a king, and needed to apologise to no man, he found he could not stop. 'I did not ask for this,' he muttered weakly, flopping down in his chair. 'I don't know how it happened. I did nothing to deserve it.'

  'Of course not.' Bayaz came slowly around the table. 'No man can ever deserve the throne. That is why you must strive to be worthy of it now. Every day. Just as your great predecessors did. Casamir. Arnault, Harod himself.'

  Jezal took a long breath, and blew it out. 'You're right, of course. How can you always be right?'

  Bayaz held up a humble hand. 'Always right? Scarcely. But I have the benefit of long experience, and am here to guide you as best I can. You have made a fine start along a difficult road, and you should be proud, as I am. There are certain steps we cannot delay, however. Chief among them is your wedding.'

  Jezal gaped. 'Wedding?'

  'An unmarried king is like a chair with three legs, your Majesty. Apt to fall. Your rump has only just touched the throne, and it is far from settled there. You need a wife who brings you support, and you need heirs so that your subjects may feel secure. All that delay will bring is opportunities for your enemies to work against you.'

  The blows fell so rapidly that Jezal had to grasp his head, hoping to stop it flying apart. 'My enemies?' Had he not always tried to get on with everyone?

  'Can you be so naive? Lord Brock is doubtless already plotting against you. Lord Isher will not be put off indefinitely. Others on the Open Council supported you out of fear, or were paid to do so.'

  'Paid?' gasped Jezal.

  'Such support does not last forever. You must marry, and your wife must bring you powerful allies.'

  'But I have…' Jezal licked his lips, uncertain of how to broach the subject. 'Some commitments… in that line.'

  'Ardee West?' Jezal half opened his mouth to ask Bayaz how he knew so much about his romantic entanglements, but quickly thought better of it. The old man seemed to know far more about him than he did himself, after all. 'I know how it is, Jezal. I have lived a long life. Of course you love her. Of course you would give up anything for her, now. But that feeling, trust me, will not last.'

  Jezal shifted his weight uncomfortably. He tried to picture Ardee's uneven smile, the softness of her hair, the sound of her laugh. The way that had given him such comfort, out on the plain. But it was hard to think of her now without remembering her teeth sinking into his lip, his face tingling from her slap, the sound of the table creaking back and forward underneath them. The shame, and the guilt, and the complexity. Bayaz' voice continued: mercilessly calm, brutally realistic, ruthlessly reasonable.

  'It is only natural that you made commitments, but your past life is gone, and your commitments have gone with it. You are a king, now, and your people demand that you behave like one. They need something to look up to. Something effortlessly higher than themselves. We are talking of the High Queen of the Union. A mother to kings. A farmer's daughter with a tendency towards unpredictable behaviour and a penchant for heavy drinking? I think not.' Jezal flinched to hear Ardee described that way, but he could hardly argue the point.

  'You are a natural son. A wife of unimpeachable breeding would lend your line far greater weight. Far greater respect. There is a world full of eligible women, your Majesty, all born to high station. Dukes' daughters, and kings' sisters, beautiful and cultured. A world of princesses to choose from.'

  Jezal felt his eyebrows rising. He loved Ardee, of course, but Bayaz made a devastating argument. There was so much more to think of now than his own needs, if the idea of himself as a king was abs
urd, the idea of Ardee as a queen was triply so. He loved her, of course. In a way. But a world of princesses to choose from? That was a phrase it was decidedly hard to find fault with.

  'You see it!' The First of the Magi snapped his fingers in triumph. 'I will send to Duke Orso of Talins, that his daughter Terez should be introduced to you.' He held up a calming hand. 'Just to begin with, you understand. Talins would make a powerful ally.' He smiled, and leaned forward to murmur in Jezal's ear. 'But you need not leave everything behind, if you truly are attached to this girl. Kings often keep mistresses, you know.'

  And that, of course, decided the matter.

  * * *

  Prepared for the Worst

  « ^ »

  Glokta sat in his dining room, staring down at his table, rubbing at his aching thigh with one hand. His other stirred absently at the fortune in jewels spread out on the black leather case.

  Why do I do this? Why do I stay here, and ask questions? I could be gone on the next tide, and no one any worse off. Perhaps a tour of the beautiful cities of Styria? A cruise round the Thousand Isles? Finally to faraway Thond, or distant Suljuk, to live out my twisted days in peace among people who do not understand a word I say? Hurting no one? Keeping no secrets? Caring no more for innocence or guilt, for truth or for lies, than do these little lumps of rock.

  The gems twinkled in the candlelight, clicking against each other, tickling at his fingers as he pushed them through one way, and back the other. But his Eminence would weep and weep at my sudden disappearance. So, one imagines, would the banking house of Valint and Balk. Where in all the wide Circle of the World would I be safe from the tears of such powerful masters? And why? So I can sit on my crippled arse all the long day, waiting for the killers to come? So I can lie in bed, and ache, and think about all that I've lost?

  He frowned down at the jewels: clean, and hard, and beautiful. I made my choices long ago. When I took Valint and Balk's money. When I kissed the ring of office. Before the Emperor's prisons, even, when I rode down to the bridge, sure that only magnificent Sand dan Glokta could save the world…

  A thumping knock echoed through the room and Glokta jerked his head up, toothless mouth hanging open. As long as it is not the Arch Lector—

  'Open up, in the name of his Eminence!'

  He grimaced at a spasm through his back as he dragged himself out of his chair, clawing the stones into a heap. Priceless, glittering handfuls of them. Sweat had broken out across his forehead.

  What if the Arch Lector were to discover my little treasure trove? He giggled to himself as he snatched at the leather case. I was going to mention all this, really I was, but the timing never seemed quite right. A small matter, after all—no more than a king's ransom. His fingers fumbled with the jewels, and in his haste he flicked one astray and it dropped sparkling to the floor with a sharp click, click.

  Another knock, louder this time, the heavy lock shuddering from the force of it. 'Open up!'

  'I'm just coming!' He forced himself down onto his hands and knees with a moan, casting about across the floor, his neck burning with pain. He saw it—a flat green one sitting on the boards, shining bright in the firelight.

  Got you, you bastard! He snatched it up, pulled himself to his feet by the edge of the table, folded up the case, once, twice. No time to hide it away. He shoved it inside his shirt, right down so it was behind his belt, then he grabbed his cane and limped towards the front door, wiping his sweaty face, adjusting his clothes, doing his best to present an unruffled appearance.

  'I'm coming! There's no need to—'

  Four huge Practicals shoved past him into his apartments, almost knocking him over. Beyond them, in the corridor outside, stood his Eminence the Arch Lector, frowning balefully, two more vast Practicals at his back. A surprising hour for such a gratifying visit. Glokta could hear the four men stomping around his apartments, throwing open doors, pulling open cupboards. Never mind me, gentlemen, make yourself at home. After a moment they marched back in.

  'Empty,' grunted one, from behind his mask.

  'Huh,' sneered Sult, moving smoothly over the threshold, staring about him with a scowl of contempt. My new lodgings, it would seem, are scarcely more impressive than my old ones. His six Practicals took up positions around the walls of Glokta's dining room, arms folded across their chests, watching. An awful lot of great big men, to keep an eye on one little cripple.

  Sult's shoes stabbed at the floor as he strode up and down, his blue eyes bulging, a furious frown twisting his face. It does not take a masterful judge of character to see that he is not a happy man. Might one of my ugly secrets have come to his attention? One of my little disobediences? Glokta felt a sweaty trembling slink up his bent spine. The non-execution of Magister Eider, perhaps? My agreement with Practical Vitari to tell less than the whole truth? The corner of the leather pouch dug gently into his ribs as he shifted his hips. Or merely the small matter of the large fortune with which I was purchased by a highly suspect banking house?

  An image sprang unbidden into Glokta's mind, of the jewel-case suddenly splitting behind his belt, gems spilling from his trouser legs in a priceless cascade while the Arch Lector and his Practicals stared in amazement. I wonder how I'd try to explain that one? He had to stifle a giggle at the thought.

  'That bastard Bayaz!' snarled Sult, his white-gloved hands curling into shaking fists.

  Glokta felt himself relax by the smallest hair. I am not the problem, then. Not yet, at least. 'Bayaz?'

  'That bald liar, that smirking impostor, that ancient charlatan! He has stolen the Closed Council!' Stop, thief. 'He has that worm Luthar dictating to us! You told me he was a spineless nothing!'I told you he used to be a spineless nothing, and you ignored me. 'This cursed puppy-dog proves to have teeth, and is not afraid to use them, and that First of the bastard Magi is holding his leash! He is laughing at us! He is laughing at me! At me!' screamed Sult, stabbing at his chest with a clawing finger.

  'I—'

  'Damn your excuses, Glokta! I am drowning in a sea of damned excuses, when what I need are answers! What I need are solutions! What I need is to know more about this liar!'

  Then perhaps this will impress you. 'I have already, in fact, taken the liberty of some steps in that direction.'

  'What steps?'

  'I was able to take his Navigator into custody,' said Glokta, allowing himself the smallest of smiles.

  'The Navigator?' Sult gave no sign of being impressed. 'And what did that stargazing imbecile tell you?'

  Glokta paused. 'That he journeyed across the Old Empire to the edge of the World with Bayaz and our new king, before his enthronement.' He struggled for words that would fit cleanly into Sult's world of logic, and reasons, and neat explanations. 'That they were seeking for… a relic, of the Old Time—'

  'Relics?' asked Sult, his frown deepening. 'Old Time?'

  Glokta swallowed. 'Indeed, but they did not find it—'

  'So we now know one of a thousand things that Bayaz did not do? Bah!' Sult ripped angrily at the air with his hand. 'He is nobody, and told you less than nothing! More of your myths and rubbish!'

  'Of course, your Eminence,' muttered Glokta. There really is no pleasing some people.

  Sult frowned down at the squares board under the window, his white-gloved hand hovering over the pieces as if to make a move. 'I lose track of how often you have failed me, but I will give you a final chance to redeem yourself. Look into this First of the Magi once more. Find some weakness, some weapon we can use against him. He is a disease, and we must burn him out.' He prodded angrily at one of the white pieces. 'I want him destroyed! I want him finished! I want him in the House of Questions, in chains!'

  Glokta swallowed. 'Your Eminence, Bayaz is ensconced in the palace, and well beyond my reach… his protégé is now our King…' Thanks in part to our own desperate efforts. Glokta almost winced, but he could not stop himself from asking the question. 'How am I to do it?'

  'How?' shrieked Sult,
'how, you crippled worm?' He swept his hand furiously across the board and dashed the pieces spinning across the floor. And I wonder who will have to bend down to pick those up? The six Practicals, as though controlled by the pitch of the Arch Lector's voice, detached themselves from the walls and loomed menacingly into the room. 'If I wished to attend to every detail myself I would have no need of your worthless services! Get out there and get it done, you twisted slime!'

  'Your Eminence is too kind,' muttered Glokta, humbly inclining his head once more. But even the lowest dog needs a scratch behind the ears, from time to time, or he might go for his master's throat…

  'And look into his story while you're about it.'

  'Story, Arch Lector?'

  'This fairytale of Carmee dan Roth!' Sult's eyes went narrower still, hard creases cutting into the bridge of his nose. 'If we cannot take the leash ourselves, we must have the dog put down, do you understand?'

  Glokta felt his eye twitching, in spite of his efforts to make it be still. We find a way to bring King Jezal's reign to an abrupt end. Dangerous. If the Union is a ship, it has but lately come through a storm, and is listing badly. We have lost one captain. Replace another now, and the boat might break apart entirely. We will all be swimming in some deep, cold, unknown waters then. Civil War, anyone? He frowned down at the squares pieces scattered across his floor. But his Eminence has spoken. What is it that Shickel said? When your master gives you a task, you do your best at it. Even if the task is a dark one. And some of us are only suited to dark tasks…

  'Carmee dan Roth, and her bastard. I shall find the truth of it, your Eminence, you can depend on me.'

  Sult's sneer curled to even greater heights of contempt. 'If only!'