Little Masterpieces of American Wit and Humor, Volume II by W. W. Jacobs
SAMUEL L. CLEMENS ("Mark Twain")
COLONEL MULBERRY SELLERS
Colonel Mulberry Sellers was in his "library," which was his"drawing-room," and was also his "picture gallery," and likewisehis "workshop." Sometimes he called it by one of these names,sometimes by another, according to occasion and circumstance. Hewas constructing what seemed to be some kind of a frail mechanicaltoy, and was apparently very much interested in his work. He was awhite-headed man now, but otherwise he was as young, alert, buoyant,visionary and enterprising as ever. His loving old wife sat near by,contentedly knitting and thinking, with a cat asleep in her lap. Theroom was large, light and had a comfortable look--in fact, a homelikelook--though the furniture was of a humble sort and not over-abundant,and the knick-knacks and things that go to adorn a living-room notplenty and not costly. But there were natural flowers, and there was anabstract and unclassifiable something about the place which betrayedthe presence in the house of somebody with a happy taste and aneffective touch.
Even the deadly chromos on the walls were somehow without offense;in fact, they seemed to belong there and to add an attraction tothe room--a fascination, anyway; for whoever got his eye on one ofthem was like to gaze and suffer till he died--you have seen thatkind of pictures. Some of these terrors were landscapes, some libeledthe sea, some were ostensible portraits, all were crimes. All theportraits were recognizable as dead Americans of distinction, andyet, through labeling, added by a daring hand, they were all doingduty here as "Earls of Rossmore." The newest one had left the worksas Andrew Jackson, but was doing its best now as "Simon Lathers LordRossmore, Present Earl." On one wall was a cheap old railroad map ofWarwickshire. This had been newly labeled, "The Rossmore Estates."On the opposite wall was another map, and this was the most imposingdecoration of the establishment, and the first to catch a stranger'sattention, because of its great size. It had once borne simply thetitle SIBERIA, but now the word "FUTURE" had been written in frontof that word. There were other additions, in red ink--many cities,with great populations set down, scattered over the vast country atpoints where neither cities nor populations exist to-day. One ofthese cities, with population placed at 1,500,000, bore the name"Libertyorloffskoizalinski," and there was a still more populousone, centrally located and marked "Capitol," which bore the name"Freedomslovnaivenovich."
The mansion--the Colonel's usual name for the house--was a ricketyold two-story frame of considerable size, which had been painted,some time or other, but had nearly forgotten it. It was away out inthe ragged edge of Washington, and had once been somebody's countryplace. It had a neglected yard around it, with a paling fence thatneeded straightening up in places, and a gate that would stay shut. Bythe door-post were several modest tin signs. "Col. Mulberry Sellers,Attorney-at-Law and Claim Agent," was the principal one. One learnedfrom the others that the Colonel was a Materializer, a Hypnotizer, aMind-cure dabbler, and so on. For he was a man who could always findthings to do.
A white-headed Negro man, with spectacles and damaged white cottongloves, appeared in the presence, made a stately obeisance, andannounced:
"Marse Washington Hawkins, suh."
"Great Scott! Show him in, Dan'l; show him in."
The Colonel and his wife were on their feet in a moment, andthe next moment were joyfully wringing the hands of a stoutish,discouraged-looking man, whose general aspect suggested that he wasfifty years old, but whose hair swore to a hundred.
"Well, well, well, Washington, my boy, it _is_ good to look at youagain. Sit down, sit down, and make yourself at home. There now--why,you look perfectly natural; ageing a little, just a little, but you'dhave known him anywhere, wouldn't you, Polly?"
"Oh, yes, Berry; he's _just_ like his pa would have looked if he'dlived. Dear, dear, where have you dropped from? Let me see, how long isit since----"
"I should say it's all of fifteen years, Mrs. Sellers."
"Well, well, how time does get away with us. Yes, and oh, the changesthat----"
There was a sudden catch of her voice and a trembling of the lip, themen waiting reverently for her to get command of herself and go on;but, after a little struggle, she turned away with her apron to hereyes, and softly disappeared.
"Seeing you made her think of the children, poor thing--dear, dear,they're all dead but the youngest. But banish care; it's no time forit now--on with the dance, let joy be unconfided, is my motto--whetherthere's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfide, you'll bethe healthier for it every time--every time, Washington--it's myexperience, and I've seen a good deal of this world. Come, where haveyou disappeared to all these years, and are you from there now, orwhere are you from?"
"I don't quite think you would ever guess, Colonel. Cherokee Strip."
"My land!"
"Sure as you live."
"You can't mean it: Actually _living_ out there?"
"Well, yes, if a body may call it that; though it's a pretty strongterm for 'dobies and jackass rabbits, boiled beans and slapjack,depression, withered hopes, poverty in all its varieties----"
"Louise out there?"
"Yes, and the children."
"Out there now?"
"Yes; I couldn't afford to bring them with me."
"Oh, I see--you had to come--claim against the Government. Makeyourself perfectly easy--I'll take care of that."
"But it isn't a claim against the Government."
"No? Want to be a postmaster? _That's_ all right. Leave it to me. I'llfix it."
"But it isn't postmaster--you're all astray yet."
"Well, good gracious, Washington, why don't you come out and tell mewhat it is? What do you want to be so reserved and distrustful with anold friend like me for? Don't you reckon I can keep a se----"
"There's no secret about it--you merely don't give me a chance to----"
"Now, look here, old friend, I know the human race; and I know thatwhen a man comes to Washington, I don't care if it's from Heaven, letalone Cherokee Strip, it's because he _wants_ something. And I knowthat as a rule he's not going to get it; that he'll stay and try foranother thing and won't get that; the same luck with the next and thenext and the next; and keeps on till he strikes bottom, and is toopoor and ashamed to go back, even to Cherokee Strip; and at last hisheart breaks and they take up a collection and bury him. There--don'tinterrupt me, I know what I'm talking about. Happy and prosperous inthe Far West, wasn't I? _You_ know that. Principal citizen of Hawkeye,looked up to by everybody, kind of an autocrat, actually a kind of anautocrat, Washington. Well, nothing would do but I must go as Ministerto St. James's, the Governor and everybody insisting, you know, and soat last I consented--no getting out of it, _had_ to do it, so here Icame. _A day too late_, Washington. Think of that--what little thingschange the world's history--yes, sir, the place had been filled. Well,there I was, you see. I offered to compromise and go to Paris. ThePresident was very sorry and all that, but that place, you see, didn'tbelong to the West, so there I was again. There was no help for it,so I had to stoop a little--we all reach the day some time or otherwhen we've got to do that, Washington, and it's not a bad thing forus, either, take it by and large all round--I had to stoop a littleand offer to take Constantinople. Washington, consider this--for it'sperfectly true--within a month I _asked_ for China; within anothermonth I _begged_ for Japan; one year later I was away down, down, down,supplicating with tears and anguish for the bottom office in the giftof the Government of the United States--Flint-picker in the cellars ofthe War Department. And by George, I didn't get it."
"Flint-picker?"
"Yes. Office established in the time of the Revolution--last century.The musket-flints for the military posts were supplied from theCapitol. They do it yet; for although the flint-arm has gone out andthe forts have tumbled down, the decree hasn't been repealed--beenoverlooked and forgotten, you see--and so the vacancies where oldTiconderoga and others used to stand still get their six quarts ofgun-flints a year just the same."
Washington said musingly after a pause:
"How strange it seems--to start for Minister to England at twentythousand a year and fail for flint-picker at----"
"Three dollars a week. It's human life, Washington--just an epitome ofhuman ambition and struggle, and the outcome; you aim for the palaceand get drowned in the sewer."
There was another meditative silence. Then Washington said, withearnest compassion in his voice:
"And so, after coming here, against your inclination, to satisfy yoursense of patriotic duty and appease a selfish public clamor, you getabsolutely nothing for it."
"Nothing?" The Colonel had to get up and stand, to get room for hisamazement to expand. "_Nothing_, Washington? I ask you this: to be aPerpetual Member and the _only_ Perpetual Member of a Diplomatic Bodyaccredited to the greatest country on earth--do you call that nothing?"
It was Washington's turn to be amazed. He was stricken dumb; but thewide-eyed wonder, the reverent admiration expressed in his face, weremore eloquent than any words could have been. The Colonel's woundedspirit was healed, and he resumed his seat, pleased and content. Heleaned forward and said impressively:
"What was due to a man who had become forever conspicuous by anexperience without precedence in the history of the world--a manmade permanently and diplomatically sacred, so to speak, by havingbeen connected, temporarily, through solicitation, with everysingle diplomatic post in the roster of this Government, from EnvoyExtraordinary and Minister Plenipotentiary to the Court of St.James's all the way down to Consul to a guano rock in the Straitsof Sunda--salary payable in guano--which disappeared by volcanicconvulsion the day before they got down to my name in the list ofapplicants? Certainly something august enough to be answerable to thesize of this unique and memorable experience was my due, and I got it.By the common voice of this community, by acclamation of the people,that mighty utterance which brushes aside laws and legislation, andfrom whose decrees there is no appeal, I was named Perpetual Memberof the Diplomatic Body representing the multifarious sovereigntiesand civilizations of the globe near the republican court of theUnited States of America. And they brought me home with a torchlightprocession."
"It is wonderful, Colonel----simply wonderful."
"It's the loftiest official position in the whole earth."
"I should think so--and the most commanding."
"You have named the word. Think of it! I frown, and there is war; Ismile, and contending nations lay down their arms."
"It is awful. The responsibility, I mean."
"It is nothing. Responsibility is no burden to me; I am used to it;have always been used to it."
"And the work--the work! Do you have to attend all the sittings?"
"Who, I? Does the Emperor of Russia attend the conclaves of theGovernors of the provinces? He sits at home and indicates his pleasure."
Washington was silent a moment, then a deep sigh escaped him.
"How proud I was an hour ago; how paltry seems my little promotionnow! Colonel, the reason I came to Washington is--I am CongressionalDelegate from Cherokee Strip!"
The Colonel sprang to his feet and broke out with prodigious enthusiasm:
"Give me your hand, my boy--this is immense news! I congratulate youwith all my heart. My prophecies stand firm. I always said it was inyou. I always said you were born for high distinction and would achieveit. You ask Polly if I didn't."
Washington was dazed by this most unexpected demonstration.
"Why, Colonel, there's nothing _to_ it. That little, narrow, desolate,unpeopled, oblong streak of grass and gravel, lost in the remote wastesof the vast continent--why, it's like representing a billiard table--adiscarded one."
"Tut-tut, it's a great, it's a staving preferment, and just opulentwith influence here."
"Shucks, Colonel, I haven't even a vote."
"That's nothing; you can make speeches."
"No, I can't. The population only two hundred----"
"That's all right, that's all right----"
"And they hadn't any right to elect me; we're not even a territory;there's no Organic Act; the Government hasn't any official knowledge ofus whatever."
"Never mind about that; I'll fix that. I'll rush the thing through;I'll get you organized in no time."
"_Will_ you, Colonel--it's _too_ good of you; but it's just your oldsterling self, the same old, ever-faithful friend," and the gratefultears welled up in Washington's eyes.
"It's just as good as done, my boy, just as good as done. Shake hands.We'll hitch teams together, you and I, and we'll make things hum!"