MR. UNIVERSE by Jim Grimsley
(HELEN crosses to the window.)
HELEN. I don’t see him. (To ELEANOR.) Do you think he went home?
GORDON. He said he was going down to the bridge. To see if she was under it, keeping dry.
ELEANOR. He knows I wouldn’t get under that bridge, because of snakes.
GORDON. All I know is what he told me.
ELEANOR. He hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s still outside. He knows I’m in here.
HELEN. Tell us what happened, Eleanor. When he came home.
ELEANOR (afraid to talk). He got off work early, like he does on payday. That’s today. He had a bag with him and I knew what it was. And he was already drinking. And we had a fight while I was fixing supper and he hit me some and I run out of the house.
HELEN. He made that bruise on your face.
ELEANOR. Yes ma’am. (Pause.) But that was from last night.
HELEN. We’re calling the sheriff. Right now.
GORDON. Helen—
ELEANOR. It won’t do any good.
HELEN. Of course it will, if you press charges. They’ll put him in jail.
ELEANOR. They took him off last night. To the motel, not to jail. They buy gas at the filling station where he works, so they hate to lock him up. He come right back home.
HELEN. But he can’t beat you up like that. There’s got to be something you can do about it.
ELEANOR. I never been able to before.
(Lights go suddenly to black.
Light from outside floods through the windows.)
GORDON. Hell. I didn’t hear any thunder.
HELEN. The light in the yard is still on.
(A sound is heard, like someone stumbling over cans.
A dog barks.)
GORDON. Christ, there goes Henry.
HELEN. But I shut him up in the utility room when the storm started.
GORDON. Well it sure sounds like he got out. (Looks outside.) Why would the lights go out because it’s raining? And the light in the yard burning just as pretty as you please.
ELEANOR. It’s Jake.
GORDON. What do you mean?
ELEANOR. Jake did this. Shut off the power.
GORDON (understanding). He went in the utility room. That’s how the dog got out.
HELEN. He did this on purpose?
ELEANOR. Yes ma’am.
HELEN. But why would he?
(JAKE’s shadow crosses slowly to the center of one of the windows.
He is clearly backlit.
Those inside freeze.)
GORDON. All right. This has gone far enough.
HELEN (softly). Keep your voice down.
GORDON. She’s going home. Now.
HELEN. No she is not. She is coming with me to the back of the house and you’re going to tell him one more time she’s not here. And then we’re going to call the sheriff and have him arrested for trespassing.
(JAKE saunters out of sight toward the front door.
Exit HELEN and ELEANOR.
GORDON is motionless until the knock on the door.
He answers the door after the second knock.
Enter JAKE, poncho dripping.
His manner is different this time, no longer as polite.)
JAKE. I sure am sorry to bother you twice in one evening like this. But did you see that bolt of lightning struck your garage? Just a minute ago, at the back?
GORDON. We didn’t notice any lightning.
JAKE. Well I sure don’t know how you missed it. I was halfway to the bridge and come back to see if anything was wrong. Looks like nothing caught fire.
GORDON. It was kind of you to check.
JAKE. Lights are out, huh?
GORDON. Sure looks that way.
JAKE. Maybe it just tripped the breaker. You got breakers? Or fuses?
GORDON. Breakers. I guess I’ll go check in a minute.
JAKE. You want some company?
GORDON. No. I’ll be all right by myself.
JAKE. You sure?
GORDON. Yes. I wouldn’t want to keep you.
JAKE (laughing). Sure was stupid of them McKinleys to put the breaker box in the garage. You know it? (Pause.) I found my wife.
GORDON. Was she under the bridge?
JAKE. Oh no, I never got that far. (Pause.) Where did your wife go? I thought I heard her. When I was walking up on the porch.
GORDON. She went back to bed. She just came out to see what happened to the lights.
JAKE. What about that other woman that was with her?
GORDON. What other woman?
JAKE. Come on now. Don’t play stupid like some shit-ass.
GORDON. There’s no one here except me and my wife.
JAKE. Oh I know who’s here, all right. Where is she?
GORDON. I already told you.
JAKE. You scared to admit it? You scared I’m going to come after you or something?
(Silence.)
GORDON. She’s here. But she’ll come out when she wants to. And not before.
JAKE. Don’t talk shit to me, mister.
GORDON. I think it’s time you left.
JAKE. I’ll tell you when I’m ready to leave.
GORDON. Get out of my house before I have you arrested for trespassing.
JAKE. Baby I been arrested before, it don’t hold any fear for me. Now you let me tell you something. Shut your mouth and listen to me. Now you tell that bitch that she’s got fifteen minutes to drag her puny ass back to the house. And if she don’t I’m coming back here for her. Now you tell her that. And you’ll be sorry if I do. And from now on if my wife knocks on your door, you tell her to get back home. Because if you don’t, you’re going to get what’s good for you. You listening to me?
GORDON. You can’t talk to me like that in my own house.
JAKE. And what the fuck are you going to do about it? Shit-head.
(JAKE returns to door, which should still be open.)
JAKE. Now I’m leaving, just like you asked me to. Because I don’t want to fight you and if I stay I’m going to bust the shit out of you. But you tell my wife. Fifteen minutes. Or by God I’ll make her wish she’d done what I said. And you too.
(Exit JAKE.
GORDON watches from the doorway.
After a moment he closes the door.
Enter HELEN.)
HELEN. Is he gone?
GORDON. Did you hear him?
HELEN. Yes.
GORDON. I felt like I had to tell him.
HELEN. I know.
GORDON. He’s not going to talk to me like that.
HELEN. Calm down.
GORDON. Where is she?
HELEN. In the corner room. She’s lying down.
GORDON. I can see why she doesn’t go home.
HELEN. We can’t send her back there.
GORDON. Well what do you want to do?
HELEN. I don’ know.
GORDON (moving to the window). You better figure it out pretty quick. Because he’s still out there in the yard. Watching every move we make.
(Blackout.)
ACT 2
The storm has diminished but continues.
Enter HELEN, with a tray of candles.
She lights candles and sets them in various parts of the stage.
Enter GORDON, after HELEN has been onstage long enough to light three candles.
From his behavior it should be clear he is hiding something.
He stops to watch HELEN.
GORDON. What are you doing?
HELEN. Getting us some light.
GORDON. I’m going outside to turn on the breakers right now.
HELEN. I don’t think you should do that.
GORDON. Why not?
HELEN. I don’t think you should go out there where he is. You don’t have to.
(Silence.)
GORDON. Do you think I’m afraid of him?
HELEN. That’s not what I said. I said there’s no need for you to go out there, that’s all.
GORDON. Well, what do you want me
HELEN. No. That’s why I’m lighting candles.
GORDON. You do think I’m afraid. I knew it.
HELEN. Gordon, don’t be silly.
GORDON. What do you think is going to happen if we sit here in a room full of candles? Do you think he’s going to wait outside politely while we try to talk his wife into going home with him?
HELEN. I think we should call the sheriff.
GORDON. That will be a big help.
HELEN. You could at least call him and ask if there’s anything he can do.
GORDON. Helen, you heard what that woman said.
HELEN. That woman’s name is Eleanor.
GORDON. Fine. You heard what Eleanor said. The sheriff and the deputies are this man’s friends.
HELEN. So what are you going to do?
GORDON. I’m going to talk to him. I’m going to tell him he can’t expect his wife to go home till he calms down.
HELEN. Gordon, that man is not going to listen to a little pep talk and then head home just like that.
GORDON. I’m going to make him listen.
(Silence.)
HELEN. We’re perfectly safe in here, Gordon. He won’t bother us as long as we stay inside.
GORDON. You don’t know that.
HELEN. What could he do? All we have to do is lock the doors.
GORDON. He already broke in the utility room and turned off the power. If he says he’s coming back inside, he probably is.
HELEN. If you really think that, you have to call the sheriff.
GORDON. Jake hasn’t done anything wrong as far as the sheriff is concerned. He came to our house and asked if we had seen his wife.
HELEN. But he turned out the power. Like you said.
GORDON. We’re in the middle of a thunderstorm, Helen.
(Silence.)
HELEN. I don’t want you to go.
GORDON. It’s the only thing I know to do. Unless you really want him to come in here and get his wife.
HELEN. No.
GORDON. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
HELEN. That’s not what she says.
GORDON. I can take care of myself.
HELEN. Well what are you going to do if you go outside? Have a fight with him?
(GORDON has been concealing a handgun and a box of ammunition all this time. They may be on his person, or he may hide them in the room when he comes onstage.
If the latter option is chosen, the objects must he hidden in such a way that the audience recognizes the object as a gun no earlier than this moment.
GORDON now reveals the gun.
HELEN simply watches it.)
HELEN. God help us. When did you get that?
GORDON. When we moved out here.
HELEN. Why?
GORDON. For protection.
HELEN. And you didn’t tell me?
GORDON. I knew you would be upset. But I felt like I had to have it.
HELEN. Where do you keep it?
GORDON. With my things.
HELEN. Where?
GORDON. I’m not going to tell you.
HELEN. Oh yes you will. If there’s going to be a gun in my house I’m going to know where it is.
GORDON. And then the first time I turn my back you’ll throw it in the river.
HELEN. I will certainly think about it.
GORDON. See?
HELEN. Gordon Hammond, you have no right to bring a gun into this house and keep it secret from me.
GORDON. If I told you about it we would only have had another fight.
HELEN. What has happened to you?
GORDON. Helen, we are in the middle of nowhere out here. We’d be fools to sit in this house with nothing but a butter knife for protection.
HELEN. I don’t want to be protected that way.
GORDON. Well, Helen, you’re not making sense.
(Silence.)
HELEN. What are you going to do with it now that you’ve got it?
GORDON. Put bullets in it. Right now.
HELEN. You’re not really going to shoot anybody.
GORDON. I hope not. But I do not intend to let that cracker get back in my house.
(HELEN continues with the candles.
She is agitated.)
GORDON. How long has it been?
HELEN. About five minutes.
GORDON. She lying down?
HELEN. I expect so. If she could get him off her mind she could probably sleep. She’s exhausted. They fought all last night, from the sound of it.
GORDON. Did you get her to tell you about it?
HELEN. Some. She doesn’t like to talk.
GORDON. You probably ought to get her up.
HELEN. Let her lie there for a little while longer.
GORDON. If he comes back here, she’s going to want to be where she can run.
HELEN (from the window). He’s not at the tree anymore.
(GORDON joins her.)
GORDON. Where is he? Do you see him?
HELEN. No. But you can’t see much. (Moves to the other window; after a moment.) He’s over here now. By the mailbox.
(GORDON joins her.
He blows out the candles nearest the windows.)
HELEN. They look so pretty.
GORDON. He can see inside. With these candles burning. He can see every move we make.
(After a moment, HELEN blows out one candle, then stops.
She is watching GORDON.)
HELEN. Would you like a cup of coffee?
GORDON. Yes, that would be nice. (Pause.) How long’s it been?
HELEN. Time’s up by now.
GORDON. He’s not moving.
HELEN. Maybe he’s not wearing a watch.
(Exit HELEN, to get coffee.)
GORDON (studying something more closely). He’s got my dog. He’s got my dog with him. (He calls the dog without raising his voice.) Henry. Henry! Get away from him, boy. Get away from him. Damnit, dog, get away from him. Stupid dog.
(Enter HELEN, as GORDON speaks.)
HELEN. What’s wrong?
GORDON. The damn dog is out there with him.
HELEN. Henry? What is he doing?
GORDON. Standing there. Nuzzling up to that son of a bitch. I ought to kill him. Both of them.
HELEN. Have you ever even fired that gun?
GORDON. I have taken it to the firing range twice, I will have you know.
HELEN. Twice. And now you are talking about shooting a dog. And a neighbor.
GORDON. He is not a neighbor. He is some trash living in a shack across a cornfield. He is a man in our front yard who does not think well of us, Helen; now will you please think about that for a minute? He is on our property. He is walking around our land like he owns every inch of it. He may try to hurt you if he comes in here again, and he will certainly try to hurt his wife. These are the things somebody has to think about.
(Enter ELEANOR.
Seeing the candles, she hangs back in shadow.)
ELEANOR. Where is he?
HELEN. Now what are you doing up here? You know I told you to stay in the back of the house.
ELEANOR. I can’t get any rest. Where is he?
GORDON. At the end of the cleared part of our property. Near the mailbox. He’s got my dog with him.
(ELEANOR tries to approach the window but is afraid to cross in front of the candles.)
ELEANOR. He can see inside with these.
HELEN. Does that worry you?
ELEANOR. Yes ma’am.
HELEN. Please stop calling me “ma’am.”
(HELEN blows out any candles that are in ELEANOR’s path but does not blow out all of them.)
HELEN. Do you think he’s coming back? It’s past fifteen minutes by now.
ELEANOR. He’ll come when he gets ready.
(ELEANOR goes to the window, looks outside.
She should show no fear of the gun but should notice it.)
ELEANOR. Are you going to use that on my husband?
(Gestures out the window with the gun.) See him, over there?
ELEANOR. See what?
GORDON. Your husband.
ELEANOR. That doesn’t look like Jake.
GORDON. Of course it’s Jake. He’s wearing a poncho. Who else would it be?
ELEANOR. It’s not him. It’s not anybody. See?
GORDON. I know what I see.
ELEANOR. He hung his poncho and his rain hat on a stick.
GORDON. I watched him walk over there. And he’s been standing there ever since.
ELEANOR. Jake would never let a dog sniff at him like that.
(Lights come on suddenly, just as they were in the first act when the power went off.
ELEANOR jumps back from the window.)
GORDON. That son of a bitch.
HELEN. Come away from the window.
GORDON. He tricked me. The son of a bitch. He’s in the garage.
(GORDON moves briefly toward the door, then turns off the lights, either by switching off any individual lamps onstage or by turning off an overhead light switch.)
ELEANOR. He’s not in the garage anymore.
GORDON. Where is he?
ELEANOR. In the yard.
GORDON. In the rain? Without a poncho?
ELEANOR. He don’t care about the rain. Besides, listen. It’s slacked off.
(They listen to the storm, which has lessened considerably in force.)
HELEN. Come away from the window, Gordon.
GORDON. He can’t see me.
HELEN. Yes he can. Please.
GORDON (doing as she asks). I can take care of myself.
HELEN. You don’t need to take care of yourself, you need to call the sheriff.
GORDON. I’ve told you I am not calling anybody.
ELEANOR. Sheriff’s not any help anyway.
HELEN. Both of you keep saying that. But he certainly will help. If you explain the whole situation to him. He’ll arrest your husband for trespassing on our property.
ELEANOR. Time the sheriff pulls in the driveway, Jake will be long gone from your yard.
HELEN. Well they can still arrest him for doing it. For being on it in the first place. For turning off the fuses.
GORDON. Breakers. We have breakers.
HELEN. All right then, for turning off the. The damn breakers. Whatever. The sheriff will be able to do something about that.
GORDON (attempting to embrace her). Calm down, Helen. I’m right here.
HELEN (pulling away from him). Don’t. Just don’t.
GORDON. What’s wrong with you?