Meet Mr. Mulliner by P. G. Wodehouse
" I shall be glad to hear your story about the San Francisco fire," said the Cahfornian, courteously.
My Uncle WiUiam (said Mr. Mulliner) was returning from the East at the time. The commercial interests of the Mulliners have always been far-flung : and he had been over in China looking into the workings of a tea-exporting business in which he held a number of shares. It was his intention to get off the boat at San Francisco and cross the continent by rail. He particularly wanted to see the Grand Canyon of Arizona. And when he found that Myrtle Banks had for years cherished the same desire, it seemed to him so plain a proof that they were twin souls that he decided to offer her his hand and heart without delay.
This Miss Banks had been a fellow-traveller on the boat all the way from Hong-Kong ; and day by day Wilham MuUiner had fallen more and more deeply in love with
her. So on the last day of the voyage, as they were steaming in at the Golden Gate, he proposed.
I have never been informed of the exact words which he employed, but no doubt they were eloquent. All the Mulliners have been able speakers, and on such an occasion, he would, of course, have extended himself. When at length he finished, it seemed to him that the girl's attitude was distinctly promising. She stood gazing over the rail into the water below in a sort of rapt way. Then she turned.
" Mr. MulHner,'' she said, " I am greatly flattered and honoured by what you have just told me." These things happened, you will remember, in the days when girls talked Hke that. '' You have paid me the greatest compliment a man can bestow on a woman. And yet . . ."
William MulUner's heart stood still. He did not Hke that " And yet "
" Is there another ? '' he muttered.
" Well, yes, there is. Mr. Franklyn proposed to me this morning. I told him I would think it over."
There was a silence. William was telHng
himself that he had been afraid of that bounder Franklyn all along. He might have known, he felt, that Desmond Franklyn would be a menace. The man was one of those lean, keen, hawk-faced, Empire-building sort of chaps you find out East—the kind of fellow who stands on deck chewing his moustache with a far-away look in his eyes, and then, when the girl asks him what he is thinking about, draws a short, quick breath and says he is sorry to be so absent-minded, but a sunset Uke that always reminds him of the day when he killed the four pirates with his bare hands and saved dear old Tuppy Smithers in the nick of time.
" There is a great glamour about Mr. Franklyn," said Myrtle Banks. " We women admire men who do things. A girl cannot help but respect a man who once killed three sharks with a Boy Scout pocket-knife."
*' So he says," growled Wilham.
" He showed me the pocket-knife," said the girl, simply. " And on another occasion he brought down two lions with one shot."
WiUiam Mulliner's heart was heavy, but he struggled on.
" Very possibly he may have done these
things," he said, " but surely marriage means more than this. Personally, if I were a giri, I would go rather for a certain steadiness and stability of character. To illustrate what I mean, did you happen to see me win the Egg-and-Spoon race at the ship's sports ? Now there, it seems to me, in what I might call microcosm, was an exhibition of all the qualities a married man most requires— intense coolness, iron resolution, and a quiet, unassuming courage. The man who under test conditions has carried an eg^ once and a half times round a deck in a small spoon, is a man who can be trusted."
She seemed to waver, but only for a moment.
" I must think," she said. ** I must think."
"Certainly," said William. *'You will let me see something of you at the hotel, after we have landed ? "
" Of course. And if—I mean to say, whatever happens, I shall always look on you as a dear, dear friend."
" M'yes," said WiUiam Mulliner.
For three days my Uncle William's stay
in San Francisco was as pleasant as could reasonably be expected, considering that Desmond Franklyn was also stopping at his and Miss Banks's hotel. He contrived to get the girl to himself to quite a satisfactory extent; and they spent many happy hours together in the Golden Gate Park and at the CUff House, watching the seals basking on the rocks. But on the evening of the third day the blow fell.
" Mr. MuUiner,'' said Myrtle Banks, '' I want to tell you something."
'' Anything," breathed William tenderly, " except that you are going to marry that perisher Franklyn."
" But that is exactly what I was going to tell you, and I must not let you call him a perisher, for he is a very brave, intrepid man."
" Vhen did you decide on this rash act ? " asked William dully.
** Scarcely an hour ago. W> were talking in the garden, and somehow or other we got on to the subject of rhinoceroses. He then told me how he had once been chased up a tree by a rhinoceros in Africa and escaped by throwing pepper in the brute's eyes. He
most fortunately chanced to be eating his lunch when the animal arrived, and he had a hard-boiled egg and the pepper-pot in his hands. When I heard this story, like Desde-mona, I loved him for the dangers he had passed, and he loved me that I did pity them. The wedding is to be in June."
WilUam MuUiner ground his teeth in a sudden access of jealous rage.
" Personally," he said, " I consider that the story you have just related reveals this man Franklyn in a very dubious—I might almost say sinister—light. On his own showing, the leading trait in his character appears to be cruelty to animals. The fellow seems totally incapable of meeting a shark or a rhinoceros or any other of our dumb friends without instantly going out of his way to inflict bodily injury on it. The last thing I would wish is to be indelicate, but I cannot refrain from pointing out that, if your union is blessed, your children will probably be the sort of children who kick cats and tie tin cans to dogs' tails. If you take my advice, you will write the man a little note, saying that you are sorry but you have changed your mind."
The girl rose in a marked manner.
"I do not require your advice, Mr. Mulliner," she said, coldly. " And I have not changed my mind."
Instantly WilUam MulHner was all contrition. There is a certain stage in the progress of a man's love when he feels hke curling up in a ball and making Uttle bleating noises if the object of his affections so much as looks squiggle-eyed at him ; and this stage my Uncle WilUam had reached. He followed her as she paced proudly away through the hotel lobby, and stammered incoherent apologies. But Myrtle Banks was adamant.
" Leave me, Mr. Mulliner," she said, pointing at the revolving door that led into the street. " You have maligned a better man than yourself, and I wish to have nothing more to do with you. Go ! "
WiUiam went, as directed. And so great was the confusion of his mind that he got stuck in the revolving door and had gone round in it no fewer than eleven times before the hall-porter came to extricate him.
" I would have removed you from the machinery earlier, sir," said the hall-porter deferentially, having deposited him safely
in the street, " but my bet with my mate in there called for ten laps. I waited till you had completed eleven so that there should be no argument."
William looked at him dazedly.
" Hall-porter," he said.
" Sir ? "
" Tell me, hall-porter," said William, " suppose the only girl you have ever loved had gone and got engaged to another, what would you do ? "
The hall-porter considered.
** Let me get this right," he said. " The proposition is, if I have followed you correctly, what would I do supposing the Jane on whom I had always looked as a steady mamma had handed me the old skimmer and told me to take all the air I needed because she had gotten another sweetie ? "
'' Precisely."
" Your question is easily answered," said the hall-porter. " I would go around the corner and get me a nice stiff drink at Mike's Place."
" A drink ? "
" Y^es, sir. A nice stiff one."
" At—where
" Mike's Place, sir. Just round the corner. You can't miss it."
William thanked him and walked away. The man's words had started a new, and in many ways interesting, train of thought. A drink ? And a nice stiff one ? There might be something in it.
WilUam Mulliner had never tasted alcohol in his hfe. He had promised his late mother that he would not do so until he was either twenty-one or forty-one—he could never remember which. He was at present twenty-nine ; but wishing to be on the safe side in case he had got his figures wrong, he had remained a teetotaller. But now, as he walked listlessly along the street towards the corner, it seemed to him that his mother in the special circumstances could not reasonably object if he took a shght snort. He raised his eyes to heaven, as though to ask her if a couple of quick ones might not be permitted; and he fancied that a faint, far-off voice whispered, " Go to it ! "
And at this moment he found himself standing outside a brightly-lighted saloon.
For an instant he hesitated. Then, as a twinge of anguish in the region of his broken
heart reminded him of the necessity for immediate remedies, he pushed open the swing doors and went in.
The principal feature of the cheerful, brightly-lit room in which he found himself was a long counter, at which were standing a number of the citizenry, each with an elbow on the woodwork and a foot upon the neat brass rail which ran below. Behind the counter appeared the upper section of one of the most benevolent and kindly-looking men that William had ever seen. He had a large smooth face, and he wore a white coat, and he eyed WilUam, as he advanced, with a sort of reverent joy.
" Is this Mike's Place ? " asked William.
Yes, sir," repHed the white-coated man.
Are you Mike ? "
No, sir. But I am his representative, and have full authority to act on his behalf. What can I have the pleasure of doing for you ? "
Theman'swhole attitude made him seem so like a large-hearted elder brother that William felt no diffidence about confiding in him. He placed an elbow on the counter and a foot on the rail, and spoke with a sob in his voice.
" Suppose the only girl you had ever loved had gone and got engaged to another, what in your view would best meet the case ? "
The gentlemanly bar-tender pondered for some moments.
"Well," he replied at length, " I advance it, you understand, as a purely personal opinion, and I shall not be in the least offended if you decide not to act upon it; but my suggestion—for what it is worth—is that you try a Dynamite Dew-Drop."
One of the crowd that had gathered sympathetically round shook his head. He was a charming man with a black eye, who had shaved on the preceding Thursday.
" Much better give him a Dreamland Special."
A second man, in a sweater and a cloth cap, had yet another theory.
'* You can't beat an Undertaker's Joy."
They were all so perfectly delightful and appeared to have his interests so unselfishly at heart that William could not bring himself to choose between them. He solved the problem in diplomatic fashion by playing no favourites and ordering all three of the beverages recommended.
The effect was instantaneous and gratifying. As he drained the first glass, it seemed to him that a torchlight procession, of whose existence he had hitherto not been aware, had begun to march down his throat and explore the recesses of his stomach. The second glass, though sHghtly too heavily charged with molten lava, was extremely palatable. It helped the torchUght procession along by adding to it a brass band of singular power and sweetness of tone. And with the third somebody began to touch off fireworks inside his head.
WiUiam felt better—not only spiritually but physically. He seemed to himself to be a bigger, finer man, and the loss of Myrtle Banks had somehow in a flash lost nearly all its importance. After all, as he said to the man with the black eye. Myrtle Banks wasn't everybody.
" Now what do you recommend ? " he asked the man with the sweater, having turned the last glass upside down.
The other mused, one fore-finger thoughtfully pressed against the side of his face.
" Well, I'll tell you," he said. " When my brother Elmer lost his girl, he drank
straight rye. Yes, sir. That's what he drank—straight rye. 'I've lost my girl,' he said, ' and I'm going to drink straight rye.' That's what he said. Yes, sir, straight rye."
" And was your brother Elmer," asked WilUam, anxiously, " a man whose example in your opinion should be followed ? Was he a man you could trust ? "
" He owned the biggest duck-farm in the southern half of IlUnois."
" That settles it," said Wilham. " What was good enough for a duck who owned half Illinois is good enough for me. Obhge me," he said to the gentlemanly bar-tender, " by asking these gentlemen what they will have, and start pouring."
The bar-tender obeyed, and WiUiam, having tried a pint or two of the strange liquid just to see if he liked it, found that he did, and ordered some. He then began to move about among his new friends, patting one on the shoulder, slapping another affabty on the back, and asking a third what his Christian name was.
** I want you all," he said, climbing on to the counter so that his voice should carry
better, " to come and stay with me in England. Never in my life have I met men whose faces I liked so much. More like brothers than anything is the way I regard you. So just you pack up a few things and come along and put up at my little place for as long as you can manage. You particularly, my dear old chap," he added, beaming at the man in the sweater.
'* Thanks," said the man with the sweater.
" What did you say ? " said Wilham.
•' I said, ' Thanks.' "
William slowly removed his coat and rolled up his shirt-sleeves.
" I call you gentlemen to witness," he said, quietly, " that I have been grossly insulted by this gentleman who has just grossly insulted me. I am not a quarrelsome man, but if anybody wants a row they can have it. And when it comes to being cursed and sworn at by an ugly bounder in a sweater and a cloth cap, it is time to take steps."
And with these spirited words William Mulliner sprang from the counter, grasped the other by the throat, and bit him sharply on the right ear. There was a confused interval, during which somebody attached
himself to the collar of William's waistcoat and the seat of WiUiam's trousers, and then a sense of swift movement and rush of cool air.
WiUiam discovered that he was seated on the pavement outside the saloon. A hand emerged from the swing door and threw his hat out. And he was alone with the night and his meditations.
These were, as you may suppose, of a singularly bitter nature. Sorrow and disillusionment racked Wilham MulHner hke a physical pain. That his friends inside there, in spite of the fact that he had been all sweetness and hght and had not done a thing to them, should have thrown him out into the hard street was the saddest thing he had ever heard of ; and for some minutes he sat there, weeping silently.
Presently he heaved himself to his feet and, placing one foot with infinite deUcacy in front of the other, and then drawing the other one up and placing it with infinite dehcacy in front of that, he began to walk back to his hotel.
At the comer he paused. There were some raihngs on his right. He clung to them and rested awhile.
The railings to which WilUam MuUiner had attached himself belonged to a brown-stone house of the kind that seems destined from the first moment of its building to receive guests, both resident and transient, at a moderate weekly rental. It was, in fact, as he would have discovered had he been clear-sighted enough to read the card over the door, Mrs. Beulah O'Brien's Theatrical Boarding-House ("A Home From Home—No Cheques Cashed—This Means You").
But William was not in the best of shape for reading cards. A sort of mist had obscured the world, and he was finding it difficult to keep his eyes open. And presently, his chin wedged into the railings, he fell into a dreamless sleep.
He was awakened by hght flashi
the gaslight faUing on the knives and forks and spoons, seemed the most pathetic and poignant that he had ever beheld.
A mood of the most extreme sentimentality now had him in its grip. The thought that he would never own a little home like that racked him from stem to stern with an almost unbearable torment. What, argued Wilham, clinging to the raihngs and crying weakly, could compare, when you came right down to it, with a little home ? A man with a little home is all right, whereas a man without a little home is just a bit of flotsam on the ocean of life. If Myrtle Banks had only consented to marry him, he would have had a little home. But she had refused to marry him, so he would never have a little home. Wliat Myrtle Banks wanted, felt William, was a good swift clout on the side of the head.
The thought pleased him. He was feeling physically perfect again now, and seemed to have shaken off completely the sUght indisposition from which he had been suffering. His legs had lost their tendency to act independently of the rest of his body. His head felt clearer, and he had a sense of
overwhelming strength. If ever, in short, there was a moment when he could administer that clout on the side of the head to Myrtle Banks as it should be administered, that moment was now.
He was on the point of moving off to find her and teach her what it meant to stop a man hke himself from having a little home, when some one entered the room into which he was looking, and he paused to make further inspection.
The new arrival was a coloured maidservant. She staggered to the head of the table beneath the weight of a large tureen containing, so William suspected, hash. A moment later a stout woman with bright golden hair came in and sat down opposite the tureen.
The instinct to watch other people eat is one of the most deeply implanted in the human bosom, and WilUam lingered, intent. There was, he told himself, no need to hurry. He knew which was Myrtle's room in the hotel. It was just across the corridor from his own. He could pop in any time, during the night, and give her that clout. Meanwhile, he wanted to watch these people eat hash.