Melancholia by Elle Casey
“So we have a mission, should we choose to accept it,” she said brightly.
“Don’t sound so happy about it,” I said, frowning. “You don’t have to wear that nasty wig like I do.”
“No wigs. Just you and me in public, holding hands, staying together. No one knows us here. We can’t affect people if we stick next to each other. We go out, we get some condoms, we have some sushi, we get back, and they’ll never even know we were gone. We’ll act like we’re taking a nap and sneak out.”
My mind was racing with possibilities. “You think we can pull it off? Sushi too?”
She shrugged. “Why not? It’s a huge city. We have the commando gang all up our butts, so I’m sure it’s safe. And we’ll only be gone for an hour, two tops. What could possibly go wrong?”
I smiled. “Isn’t that what the good guys always say, right before they get totally jacked up?”
“First of all, this isn’t the movies. And second of all, we’re not the good guys, Malcolm. We’re the bad guys, remember?”
She was giving me a stone cold sober look now, all the sneakiness and passion gone. I hated that it had disappeared so quickly. My smile fell as I thought about her believing she’s actually bad, being just who she was born to be.
I took her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes, totally focused on getting my point through. “You’re not a bad person. If anyone is, it’s me. I push people to suicide, Rae. Killing themselves. Murder. All you do is make people really happy. What could possibly be bad about that?”
She reached up and grabbed my elbows. “Both of us cause people to lose their minds. That’s bad. That makes us both bad guys … equally bad guys. That’s why we need to get the hell out of this place and disappear.”
“Do you mean that?” I searched her expression for doubt or questions; I saw none of that stuff there.
“Yes. I do. Before I didn’t know you well and wasn’t sure we could be together, but now I know different. And now I feel like … we need to just be alone. Without everyone around.” Her hands were sinking into my skin like talons, but I ignored the pain. She dropped her gaze. “Or I’m just totally being an idiot right now and making you want to run a hundred miles an hour in the other direction.”
I smiled, warmed in every inch of my body over the idea of her feeling that way about me. But chances were she didn’t really feel that way, not like I wished she did. She was just caught up in the moment. I couldn’t blame her; I was too. “You just met me. You’re just saying this because we … you know.” I gestured towards the bedroom.
“No, that’s not true. And I didn’t just meet you. I’ve known you my whole life.” She hugged me to her hard, her voice sounding stressed.
I put my arms around her back and squeezed too. “I think I know what you mean,” I said, my voice catching in my throat a little. It was true, what she’d said. She was me, only the antithesis. But the effects were undeniable. Our lives were the same, while also being polar opposites. The sense that there actually was someone out there like me in the world and that I was holding her in my arms was making me want to cry with relief and hope.
She spoke passionately. “I’ve lived my whole life wondering if you exist. I’ve pictured you in my head. I’ve dreamed of being in a bed with you, being held by you, talking to you about stupid stuff like the benefits of sushi over hamburgers.”
“Did we have that conversation?” I asked, confused.
“No. But we’re going to. I’m sure of it.” She looked up at me. “What I’m saying is that I’m glad I found you, and now that I have, I don’t want to risk losing you. What if they take us to some medical compound and hook us up to machines or cut open our heads or something? I’ll never see you again, or if I do, I’ll be like that guy in Cuckoo’s Nest or whatever.”
“What?” First she was talking about finding her lost love and now something about cuckoos?
“One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The movie. Where they cut the front of that guy’s brain out and make him dead inside.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I get it. You don’t want to be a science experiment, and neither do I, believe me. I’m just not sure what to do about it.”
She stepped back and took me by the hands. “Just promise me … we stick together, and if stuff starts to get weird, we run together. No looking back.”
“It’s a deal,” I said without hesitation. “I’m all over that plan. I feel exactly the same way.”
She rushed me with another hug. It felt almost like a tackle it was so enthusiastic. “I’m so glad I found you.”
I melted into her, bending down so I could get as close to her as possible. “Me too.” I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, memorizing her scent and the way her body felt against mine. In case anything happened to ruin our plan of being together, I wanted to have something to look back on, to re-live over and over until the day I died.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Rae
I WAS NERVOUS AND JUMPY all morning, waiting for the moment we’d leave the apartment for condoms and sushi. A million things were swirling around inside my head, while outside I battled to remain cool. Cool like Malcolm. You’d think he had sex every day and regularly took off for places unknown, the way he was acting so nonchalant about everything.
“Cookie?” he asked, handing me an Oreo. He grinned, not bothering to hide the chocolate bits stuck in his teeth. I loved that he was loosening up, having fun with me in ways I was pretty sure he never did with others.
“Thanks,” I said. I separated the two cookie parts and got busy licking the frosting off, staring at Malcolm while I did it. I loved the sugary goodness, always saving the chocolate cookie parts for after I ate every last bit of the inside.
His gaze took on an intensity that surprised me. I had no idea what his problem was until he reached up and pushed the cookie away from my mouth. “Do not do that,” he said, very seriously.
“What?” I asked, my tongue still hanging partway out of my mouth, in mid-frosting-lick.
He leaned in and flicked my tongue with his, turning it into a kiss that tasted and felt like creamy sugar. Then he broke away and whispered in my ear. “I’m picturing that tongue licking other things, and if you don’t put it away, I’m either going to do something really stupid or ask you to do something really stupid.”
I leaned back away from him, my tongue zipping back into my mouth and hiding there, my lips clamped shut. I looked at him in shock, pretending that he’d said something bad, but inside I felt powerful and alive. The simple act of tasting some frosting had him going nuts, and I had done that to him. I had made him want to lose his cool and want to do sexy things. Unmentionable things. It was a heady feeling.
“Behave yourself,” I whispered, feeling very bold, a big part of me wishing he’d ignore my order and jump me right there. One night of sexy cuddling had turned me into a sex fiend, and I didn’t feel one bit bad about it.
He backed away. “Yes, ma’am.” He snatched the mostly de-frostinged cookie out of my hand and shoved it into his mouth, talking around the crumbs he was crunching away on. “No cookies for you. Too dangerous.”
I shoved him, but he hardly moved, just swaying on the couch next to me. “You stole my cookie, cookie monster. No fair.”
“Ready to call Joe?” he asked, pulling the cell phone out of his pants pocket.
I nodded, snatching another cookie but eating it without licking it this time. “You do it.” I wanted to text Jasmine, but I wasn’t sure what to say to her. I wanted to spill my guts, tell her my exciting news. I think I had an orgasm last night. Two of them. But I didn’t know her well enough to confess something like that, so instead I decided to do nothing.
I shook my head, chasing the thoughts of my friend and my confessions away. Now was not the time to be girl-talking, especially when her parents and who knew who else would read about it too. Nothing was private, and there was no one other than Malcolm I could trust to keep my intimate secr
I giggled.
“What’s so funny?” asked Malcolm, looking at me askance as he scrolled down the contacts in his phone. There were only three.
I shook my head. “Nothing. Tell ya later.” I probably wouldn’t. He’d laugh at my weirdo belief that having sex was some kind of rite of passage for me as a girl. It had always been that way in my head, ever since I’d finally figured out that touching another person could never happen. It was the one thing that I could never have, so it became the one thing in my mind that would signal a quantum shift in my life path. And now I saw the fork in the road just hours ahead of where I sat here with Malcolm on this couch, and I couldn’t wait to get there. It was rash and stupid and wild and I totally didn’t care.
“Hello, Joe?” Malcolm held the phone to his ear while staring at me.
We both reached out at the same time and held hands. I loved the feel of his bigger palm pressed against mine, his thick fingers forcing mine apart. I couldn’t wait to walk outside with him in the sunshine, hand in hand, strolling down the sidewalk like we were an ordinary couple just out having fun. The idea made butterflies go mad in my stomach.
“Yeah, we were just wondering what the plan is for today.”
I could hear Mr. Butts responding but not what he was actually saying.
“Okay. Well, we’re still pretty tired from that long drive, so we were thinking about taking naps after lunch, is that okay?” Malcolm nodded as he listened. “Yeah, we know.” He rolled his eyes for my benefit. “No going out, no calling anyone, not answering the door. Yeah, we read all the instructions.” There was a pause and then Malcolm responded. “Thanks for everything. See ya.” He closed the phone and put it on the table.
“What’d he say? Can we take naps?”
“Yep. Someone’s supposed to get here tonight to move us to another location, so we can relax, take naps, watch TV or movies, whatever … until about eight o’clock or so. Then we’ll be on the road for another long trip, he said.”
“Where to?”
“Didn’t say. I got the impression we won’t know where we’re going until we arrive.”
I nodded, wondering if all the spy kid mystery stuff was really necessary. My earlier mind-images of being an adult woman who could have mature conversations with parents was fading in the wake of these new visions of being put in the backseat of a car and told to just shut up and ride.
“Are you hungry?” asked Malcolm.
I shrugged, feeling mopey now. “Not exactly.”
“Great! Because I have just the thing.” He leaned in and whispered, “Sushi,” but out loud he said, “Peanut butter and jelly. A classic American delicacy.”
I grinned, now that he’d confirmed our plan for escape also included my favorite lunch food. “Sweet. Whip me up one while I go to the bathroom.”
I rushed to the bathroom and did whatever I could to fix my hair and face. I brushed my teeth a second time and pinched my cheeks, trying to make it look like I had blush on. I used some of the makeup Jasmine had included for me in the duffel bag and pushed the sunglasses from my disguise up onto my head to keep the hair out of my face. I looked like the same old Rae, but then again, not exactly. I looked more worldly, maybe. Definitely a little glowy.
Is this what love looks like?
I hesitated, the word flowing over me. Love? Do I love him? Is it possible to love someone you just met?
I processed the thought, the idea. Examining it in the light of day, no longer tangled up in the heat and the passion that Malcolm so easily ignited in me, it still seemed like it could be true.
Is it possible to love a person who you’ve waited your whole life for? The one person in the world you could live with and be safe with … a boy or almost-man who makes you feel like the world is exploding into a million star shards when he pushes his lips and body against you? I smiled, a secret grin shared with my reflection.
Yes. I think it’s possible. No … I know it is.
Chapter Twenty-Four: Malcolm
WE MADE A BIG FUSS about being tired and going to sleep, doing our best to make noises in the bedrooms and near the bugs that sounded like two stupid teenagers too tired to do anything but obey the many rules they’d been left.
We stood at the front door, both of us holding the cell phones Mr. Butts had provided. I looked down at mine, and then after hesitating only a few seconds, put it on the front hall table. Rae held onto her phone for a few more seconds and then did the same. She looked worried, but we couldn’t discuss what we were thinking so near the bug that would transmit our every word. I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t want them tracking our movements and that we wouldn’t need the phones anyway since we were together. Who else would we want to call besides each other, anyway?
I eased the door open as silently as possible, letting Rae out ahead of me. It took practically a full minute to get through myself and close it without a sound. It was only after the latch clicked into place that I finally breathed again.
“Come on,” whispered Rae, taking my hand. “Let’s go get some sushi.”
Rae gave me a questioning look when I pressed the button for the parking garage.
“No, we’re not taking the car,” I said, responding to her unspoken concern. “I just don’t want to walk through the main lobby and have someone see us leaving.”
“Oooh, I see. Very sneaky. I like it.” She smiled up at me, and I couldn’t help but pull her close. She was so pretty when she thought she was being bad. That dimple was dangerous.
“I’ve had lots of practice running away from people,” I said.
“Not anymore,” she said, squeezing me around my waist. “Not from me, anyway.”
“No, not from you.” Thank God, not from her. I was pretty sure at this point I wouldn’t be able to run from her, even if my life depended on it. Somehow in the space of forty-eight hours, she’d gotten deep under my skin. The idea of being without her made me feel desperate, scared.
I pushed those thoughts away. We were together and we were staying that way. It was the only option as far as I was concerned, and felt pretty confident Rae felt the same way.
We got out of the elevator in the basement, walking past all the parked cars and up the ramp to street level. It went from quiet and spooky to loud, bustling, and colorful, all at once, as soon as our heads came up above the surface of the street.
“Wow.” Rae stopped at the top of the ramp, her head swiveling in every direction. “This city is amazing. I wish I could live here.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” I agreed. “Which way to the sushi place?” I was suddenly feeling very alive for some reason. A breeze ruffled my hair, and the sun was warm on my face. It felt safe here in this big, strange place. Anonymous. I wanted to spend the entire day just walking out in the sunshine among people who didn’t know me and, at least for today, wouldn’t be affected by me.
“This way,” she said, tugging me towards the nearest street corner.
Five minutes later we were sitting down at a sushi bar, watching a guy make food into edible art. I’d only had sushi once, about three years ago, and it had been from the grocery store. That stuff was no comparison to this. Rae showed me how to mix the spicy wasabi paste with the soy sauce and use my chopsticks to pick up the little circles and squares of rice and fish. A
“Do you love it?” she asked, swallowing the rest of her California role with a big grin on her face.
“Yeah. Love it,” I lied. No way was I going to ruin her fun and tell her it was kind of meh. I still preferred a big, juicy hamburger and a pile of fries.
“No, you don’t. I can tell by the look on your face.” She pouted, poking me with her chopstick.
“Okay, maybe not love, but like. I do like it, I promise.”
She leaned in close and whispered, “I like you too.”
It both scared me and made me happy to hear that. “Me three,” I said, tweaking her nose for fun. Something about her little nose, how it sat there all small and turned up a little, just begged to be messed with. And something about her made me act like a love-sick fool, saying and doing things I’d mock another guy over if I ever saw it.
“So what’s next?” she asked, slurping up the last of her soda very loudly.
“Drugstore and then back to the apartment, right?”
She shrugged. “Says who? We can do whatever we want, right? We have cash, we have time … and we don’t have parents.”
I sat there silently for a little while, digesting what she was saying. It made me uneasy. “You have parents, Rae.”
She frowned, going still. “Yes. I have parents. Thanks for reminding me.” She got up off her stool and put her glass down on the counter, preparing to walk away.
I grabbed her by the elbow and stopped her, pulling her to my side. “Don’t walk away. I didn’t mean to be a jerk about it. Please?”
She sighed. “I know. I’m not walking away. Come on. We can talk about it outside.”
We left money on the bar to pay for the food and left the restaurant, holding hands as we walked down the sidewalk, neither of us paying much attention to where we were going.