Merry Go Round by W. Somerset Maugham

  'I liked it very much,' she said.

  But there was in her tone an unconcern which not a little incensed him, and though he knew this indifference pointed to no particular fault in his book, he was none the less profoundly humiliated. Yet a bitterer disappointment awaited him in the reviews which now began to come in. For the most part they were short, somewhat scornful, somewhat patronizing, and it appeared that this book, which he had imagined would raise him at once to a literary position of some eminence, was no more than prentice work, showing more promise than performance. Its merits, indeed, were not few, but scarcely such as to excite any sudden admiration; his construction was faulty, and in parts his attention to the environment suggested rather the essay or the treatise. The result, notwithstanding many qualities, was neither very good romance nor very good history. Two literary papers at length offered salve to his wounded vanity in long and appreciative notices, doing full justice to his passion for beauty, his measured and careful style, the clear-cut perfection of his portraits. The first of these was sent him with a note of congratulation by Mrs Murray, and he read it with leaping heart. It gave him new confidence, and a firmer resolution to do better in future. But though careful to hand over to Jenny all unfavourable criticisms, these, which from a literary standpoint were more important than all the others put together, with a kind of inverted pride he forbore to show.

  The consequence of this was that Jenny gained a rather false impression of the book's failure, and the idea came that Basil, after all, was perhaps not such a wonderful person as once she fancied. She sought not to analyse her feelings, but had she done so would have found in them a strange medley. She adored Basil passionately, jealously, but at the same time felt against him a sort of confused irritation which made her welcome the published sneers that wounded him so keenly; they seemed to draw him down to her, for if he was less clever than at first she thought it lessened the distance between them. Yet the gulf which separated them grew daily greater, and quarrels were of more frequent occurrence. Basil, hating his life at Barnes, wrapped himself in a reserve which he strove to make impenetrable; he was very silent, going about his work methodically, and doing his best to avoid the acrimonious discussions which Jenny forced upon him. He tried to relieve his unhappiness with unceasing toil, and to counter his wife's ill-temper with philosophic indifference. It drove her to furious anger that, however she taunted, he seldom replied, and then only with cold sarcasm. But sometimes remorse seized her. Then she went to her husband in tears, begging him to forgive and asserting again her great love; and this for some days would be followed by a measure of peace.

  But one morning a more serious quarrel arose, for Basil, somewhat pressed for money, had discovered that James Bush, still out of work, was steadily borrowing from Jenny. He had begged her not to lend any more, and finding her unwilling to give a promise, was obliged somewhat peremptorily to insist that not another penny should go into the grasping hands of the Bush family. On both sides there was a good deal of irritation, and finally Basil flung out of the house. Presently James Bush, cause of all the trouble, sauntered in.

  'Where's his lordship this afternoon?' he asked, helping himself to Basil's cigarettes.

  'He's gone out for a walk.'

  'That's what he tells you, my dear,' he answered with a malevolent laugh.

  'Have you seen him anywhere?' asked Jenny quickly, full of suspicion.

  'No, I can't say I 'ave, an' if I 'ad I wouldn't boast about it.'

  'What did you mean, then?' she insisted.

  'Well, whenever I come here he's out for a walk.'

  He glanced at her, and then without more ado asked for the loan of a couple of sovereigns; but Jenny, mindful of the morning's dispute, and regretfully conscious that herself had brought it about, firmly refused. Since he insisted, accusing her of meanness, she was forced to explain how heavy of late had been their expenses; the doctor had sent in a bill for fifty pounds, the visit to Brighton cost a great deal, and they would have much difficulty to make both ends meet.

  'It was a wonderful fine thing you did when you married him, Jenny, and you thought you'd done precious well for yourself too.'

  'I won't have you say anything against him,' she cried impetuously.

  'All right; keep your shirt in. I'm Mowed if I know what you've got to stick up for him about. He don't care much about you.'

  She looked up with a quick drawing-in of breath.

  'How d'you know?'

  'Think I can't see!' He chuckled slily at his own acuteness. 'I suppose you 'aven't been crying today?'

  'We had a little tiff this morning,' she answered. 'Oh, don't say he doesn't care for me. I couldn't live.'

  'Go along with you,' he laughed. 'Basil Kent ain't the only pebble on the beach.'

  Jenny went to the window and looked out. She saw her husband walk slowly along, his head bent down, betraying in his whole appearance the most profound depression, and thinking of their wretchedness, she could not restrain her tears. Everything went against them, and though loving him so tenderly, some mysterious power seemed ever to force her to anger him. With entire despair she turned to her brother and spoke words which had long been in her heart, but which till then she had not uttered to a living soul.

  'Oh, Jimmie, Jimmie, sometimes I don't know which way to turn, I'm that unhappy. If the baby had only lived, I might have kept my husband – I might have made him love me.'

  She sank on a chair and hid her face, but in a moment, hearing the door close, looked up.

  'He's just come in, Jimmie. Mind you don't say anything to put him out.'

  'I'd just like to give 'im a piece of my mind.'

  'Oh, Jimmie, don't. It was my fault that we quarrelled this morning. I wanted to make him angry, and I nagged at him.' She knew the best way to influence her brother. 'Don't let him see that I've said anything to you, and I'll try and send you a pound tomorrow,'

  'Well, he'd better not start patronizing me, because I won't put up with it. I'm a gentleman, and every bit as good as he is, if not better.' At this Basil came in, noticed James, but did not speak.' 'Afternoon, Basil.'

  'You here again?' he remarked indifferently.

  'Looks like it, don't it?'

  'I'm afraid it does.'

  'Are you? I suppose I can come and see my own sister.'

  'I suppose it's inevitable. Only I should be excessively grateful if you'd time your coming with my going, and vice versa.'

  'That means you want me to get out, I reckon.'

  'You show unusual perspicacity, dear James,' said Basil with a frigid smile.

  'Look here, Basil, let me give you a bit of advice. Don't put on quite so much side, or you'll hurt yourself.'

  'I observe that you have not acquired the useful art of being uncivil without being impertinent.'

  There was nothing James could brook less easily than the irony and the deliberate sarcasm with which Basil invariably answered him, and now in his exasperation, forgetting all prudence, he jumped up.

  'Look 'ere, I've 'ad about enough of this. I'm not going to stand you sneerin' and snarlin' at me when I come here. You seem to think I'm nobody. I should just like to know why you go on as if I was I don't know what.'

  'Because I choose,' answered Basil, looking him up and down with chilling scorn.

  Jenny's heart beating furiously as she foresaw the approaching quarrel and in an undertone, hurriedly, she begged James to hold his tongue. But he would not be restrained.

  'You can bet anything you like I don't come 'ere to see you.'

  'It has been borne in upon me that the length of my purse attracts you more than the charm of my conversation. I wonder why you imagined, because I married your sister, I was bound to support the whole gang of you for the rest of your lives? Would you have the intense amiability to inform your family that I'm sick and tired of giving money?'

  'I wonder you don't forbid us your house while you're about it,' snarled James.

  Basil shrugged his
shoulders.

  'You may come here when I'm not at home – if you behave yourself.'

  'I'm not good enough for you, I suppose?'

  'No, you're not,' answered Basil, with deliberation.

  'I dare say you'd like to get me out of the way. But I mean to keep my eye on you.'

  'What d'you mean by that?' asked Basil, so sharply that James saw he had touched him on the raw.

  He pursued his advantage.

  'You think I don't know what sort of a feller you are. I can just about see through two of you. Jenny has something to put up with, I lay.'

  But Basil recovered himself quickly, and turned to Jenny with a smile of contempt, which, since it was undeserved, most deeply wounded her.

  'Has she been telling you my numerous faults? You must have had plenty to talk about, my dear.' He saw her motion of protest, and gave a laugh. 'Oh, my dear girl, if it amuses you, by all means discuss me with your relations. I should be so dull if I had no failings.'

  'Tell him I've not said anything against him, Jimmie,' she cried.

  'It's not for want of something to say, I'll be bound.'

  Basil was growing bored, and saw no reason for concealing the fact. He sat down at his desk to write a letter, and took a sheet of note-paper. Jimmie watched him viciously, smarting under the bitter things the other had said, and wondering what the next move would be. Basil glanced at him indifferently.

  'I'm getting rather tired, brother James. I'd go if I were you.'

  'I shan't go till I choose,' answered Bush very aggressively.

  Basil looked up with a smile.

  'Of course, we're both of us Christians, dear James, and there's a good deal of civilization kicking about the world nowadays. But the last word is still with the strongest.'

  'What d'you mean by that?'

  'Merely that discretion is the better part of valour. They say that proverbs are the wealth of nations.'

  That's just the sort of thing you'd do – to 'it a feller smaller than yourself.'

  'Oh, I wouldn't hit you for worlds,' laughed Basil bitterly. 'I should merely throw you downstairs.'

  'I should just like to see you try it on,' cried the other, edging a little towards the door.

  'Don't be silly, James. You know you wouldn't like it at all.'

  'I'm not afraid of you.'

  'Of course not. But still – you're not very muscular, are you?'

  Rage driving away prudence, James shook his fist in Basil's face.

  'Oh, I'll pay you out before I've done. I'll pay you out.'

  'James, I told you to get out five minutes ago,' said Basil, in a more peremptory fashion.

  Jimmie looked at him for one moment, furious and impotent; then, without another word, flung out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Basil smiled quietly and shrugged his shoulders. He felt almost as disgusted with himself as with James, but supposed that as such scenes grew more frequent he would acquire a certain callousness. In his self-contempt he told himself that without doubt the time would come when he would be proud of his triumph in repartee over an auctioneer's clerk. He glanced at Jenny, who sat with sewing in her hands, but without working gazed straight out of the window.

  'The only compensation in brother James is that he causes one a little mild amusement,' he murmured.

  'I don't know what's wrong with him,' she answered. 'Why d'you treat him as if he was a dog?'

  'My dear child, I don't. I'm very fond of dogs.'

  'Isn't he as good as I am? And you condescended to marry me.'

  'I really can't see that because I married you I must necessarily take the whole of your amiable family to my bosom.'

  'Why don't you like them? They're honest and respectable.'

  Basil gave a little sigh of fatigue. They had discussed the matter often during the last month, and though he did his best to curb his tongue, his patience was nearly exhausted.

  'My dear Jenny,' he said, 'we don't choose our friends because they're honest and respectable, any more than we choose them because they change their linen daily. But I'm willing to acknowledge that they have every grace and every virtue, only they rather bore me.'

  'They wouldn't if they were swells.'

  He looked at her curiously, wondering why she imputed to him such despicable motives, and reflected that he could have been very good friends with his wife's relations if they had been simple country folk, unassuming and honest; but the family of Bush joined the most vulgar pretentiousness to a code of honour which could only in charity be called eccentric. Jenny brooded over his words, and after a silence of some minutes burst out impatiently.

  'After all, we're not in such a bad position as all that. My mother's father was a gentleman.'

  'I wish your mother's son were,' answered Basil, without looking up from the letter he wrote.

  'D'you know what Jimmie says you are?'

  'I don't vastly care, but if it pleases you very much you may tell me.'

  She shot at him an angry glance, but did not answer. Then Basil got up, and going to her, placed his hands on her shoulders. Making his tone very gentle, he explained that it was really not his fault if he did not care for her people. Could she not resign herself to the fact, and make the best of it? Surely it would be better than to make themselves miserable. But Jenny, refusing the offer of reconciliation, turned away.

  'You don't think they're good enough for you to associate with because they're not in swell positions.'

  'I don't in the least object to their being grocers and haberdashers,' he answered, with a flush of annoyance. 'I only wish they'd sell us things at cost price.'

  'Jimmie isn't a grocer or a haberdasher. He's an auctioneer's clerk.'

  'I humbly apologize. I thought he was grocer, because last time he did us the honour of calling he asked how much a pound we paid for our tea, and offered to sell us some at the same price. But then he also offered to insure our house against fire, and to sell me a gold-mine in Australia.'

  'Well, it's better to make a bit as best one can than to moon around like you do.'

  'Really, even to please you I'm afraid I can't go about with little samples of tea in my pocket, and sell my friends a pound or two when I call upon them. Besides, I don't believe they'd ever pay me.'

  'Oh no,' cried Jenny scornfully, 'you're a gentleman, and a barrister, and an author, and you couldn't do anything to dirty those white hands that you're so proud about. How do other fellows manage to get briefs?'

  'The simplest way, I believe, is to marry the wily solicitor's daughter.'

  'Instead of a barmaid?'

  'I didn't say that, Jenny,' he answered very gravely.

  'Oh no, you didn't say it. But you hinted it. You never say anything, but you're always hinting and insinuating till you drive me out of my senses.'

  He held out his hands.

  'I'm very sorry if I hurt your feelings. I promise you I don't mean to. I always try to be kind to you.'

  He looked at her wistfully, expecting some word of regret or affection; but sullenly, with tight-closed lips, she cast down her eyes, and went on with her sewing.

  With darkened brows he returned to his letters, and for an hour they remained silent. Then Jenny, unable any longer to bear that utter stillness, which seemed more marked because he sat so near, hostile and unapproachable, went out to sit in her own room. Her anger was past, and she was frightened at herself. She wanted to think the matter out, and with despair remembered that there was none to whom she could go for advice. It would be impossible to make her own folk understand these difficulties, and instead of help they would give only flouts and cruel jibes. It crossed her mind to go to Frank, the only friend of Basil whom she knew with any intimacy, for he came not infrequently to Barnes, and his manner, always so kind and gentle, made her think that she could trust him; but what should he care for her misery, and what assistance could he offer? She knew well enough the expressions of helpless sympathy he would use. It seemed that she stood quite alone i
n the world, weak and without courage, separated at once from those among whom her life had been spent, and from those into whose class her marriage had brought her. With throbbing brain, like a puppet driven round endlessly in a circle of pain, she could not see an end to her troubles. But the very confusion, the terror and uncertainty of it, forced her to make some desperate attempt, and she sought within herself for strength to gain the happiness she so woefully desired. She pondered over the events of the last year, picturing distinctly each passing scene, and saw the gradual bitterness that darkened the bliss of the beginning; then she told herself that some great effort was needed, or it would be too late. She was losing her husband's love, and in bitter self-reproach took all the blame therefor upon her own shoulders. The only chance now was to change herself completely. She must try to be less exacting, less insanely jealous; she must at least attempt to be more worthy of him. In an agony of repentance she reviewed all her faults. At last, with flushed cheeks and eyes still shining with tears, she went to Basil, and laid her hand on his shoulder.

  'Basil, I've come to beg your pardon for what I said just now. I was carried away, and forgot myself.'

  There was a gentleness in her voice which he had almost forgotten. He stood up and took her hands, smiling brightly.

  'My dear girl, what does it matter? I'd forgotten all about it.'

  'I've been thinking it all over. We haven't been getting on very well of late, and I'm afraid I've been to blame. I did things I regret. I have been reading your letters' – she blushed deeply with intense shame – 'but I swear I won't do it any more. I will try to be a good wife to you. I know I'm not your equal, but I want to try to get up to you. And you must be patient with me – you must remember I've got a lot to learn.'

  'Oh, Jenny, don't talk like that; you make me feel such a cad.'

  She smiled through her tears. He spoke in just the same eager tone which in time past had so charmed her. But then a wistful look came to her face.