Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer
"Yes?" she responded huskily. She cleared her throat.
"Are you all right?" That was really the most important thing, the first priority. Retribution was secondary. I knew that, but my body was so filled with rage that it was hard to think.
"Yes." Her voice was still thick--with fear, no doubt.
And so I could not leave her.
Even if she wasn't at constant risk for some infuriating reason--some joke the universe was playing on me--even if I could be sure that she would be perfectly safe in my absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark.
She must be so frightened.
Yet I was in no condition to comfort her--even if I knew exactly how that was to be accomplished, which I did not. Surely she could feel the brutality radiating out of me, surely that much was obvious. I would frighten her even more if I could not calm the lust for slaughter boiling inside me.
I needed to think about something else.
"Distract me, please," I pleaded.
"I'm sorry, what?"
I barely had enough control to try to explain what I needed.
"Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down," I instructed, my jaw still locked. Only the fact that she needed me held me inside the car. I could hear the man's thoughts, his disappointment and anger... I knew where to find him... I closed my eyes, wishing that I couldn't see anyway...
"Um..." She hesitated--trying to make sense of my request, I imagined. "I'm going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?" She said this like it was a question.
Yes--this was what I needed. Of course Bella would come up with something unexpected. Like it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips was hilarious--so comical it was jarring. If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, I would have laughed.
"Why?" I barked out, to force her to speak again.
"He's telling everyone that he's taking me to prom," she said, her voice filled with her tiger-kitten outrage. "Either he's insane or he's still trying to make up for almost killing me last...well you remember it," she inserted dryly, "and he thinks prom is somehow the correct way to do this. So I figure if I endanger his life, then we're even, and he can't keep trying to make amends. I don't need enemies and maybe Lauren would back off if he left me alone. I might have to total his Sentra, though," she went on, thoughtful now. "If he doesn't have a ride he can't take anyone to prom..."
It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong. Tyler's persistence had nothing to do with the accident. She didn't seem to understand the appeal she held for the human boys at the high school. Did she not see the appeal she had for me, either?
Ah, it was working. The baffling processes of her mind were always engrossing. I was beginning to gain control of myself, to see something beyond vengeance and torture...
"I heard about that," I told her. She had stopped talking, and I needed her to continue.
"You did?" she asked incredulously. And then her voice was angrier than before. "If he's paralyzed from the neck down, he can't go to the prom either."
I wished there was someway I could ask her to continue with the threats of death and bodily harm with out sounding insane. She couldn't have picked a better way to calm me. And her words--just sarcasm in her case, hyperbole--were a reminder I dearly needed in this moment.
I sighed, and opened my eyes.
"Better?" she asked timidly.
"Not really."
No, I was calmer, but not better. Because I'd just realized that I could not kill the monster named Lonnie, and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the world. Almost.
The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly justifiable murder, was this girl. And, though I couldn't have her, just the dream of having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonight--no matter how defensible such a thing might be.
Bella deserved better than a killer.
I'd spent seven decades trying to be something other than that--anything other than a killer. Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside me. And yet, I felt that if I returned to that life--the life of a killer--for even one night, I would surely put her out of my reach forever. Even if I didn't drink their blood--even if I didn't have that evidence blazing red in my eyes--wouldn't she sense the difference?
I was trying to be good enough for her. It was an impossible goal. I would keep trying.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her. After all of this, even with as much as I loved her...she still made my mouth water.
I would give her as much honesty as I could. I owed her that.
"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." I stared out into the black night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she would not. Mostly that she would not. Run, Bella, run. Stay, Bella, stay. "But it wouldn't be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those..." Just thinking about it almost pulled me from the car. I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my throat. "At least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself."
"Oh."
She said nothing else. How much had she heard in my words? I glanced at her furtively, but her face was unreadable. Blank with shock, perhaps. Well, she wasn't screaming. Not yet.
It was quiet for a moment. I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be. What I couldn't be.
"Jessica and Angela will be worried," she said quietly. Her voice was very calm, and I was not sure how that could be. Was she in shock? Maybe tonight's events hadn't sunk in for her yet. "I was supposed to meet them."
Did she want to be away from me? Or was she just worried about her friends' worry?
I didn't answer her, but I started the car and took her back. Every inch closer I got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose. I was just so close to him...
If it was impossible--if I could never have nor deserve this girl--then where was the sense in letting the man go unpunished? Surely I could allow myself that much...
No. I wasn't giving up. Not yet. I wanted her too much to surrender.
We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before I'd even begun to make sense of my thoughts. Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and both now truly worried about Bella. They were on their way to search for her, heading off along the dark street.
It was not a good night for them to be wandering--
"How did you know where...?" Bella's unfinished question interrupted me, and I realized that I had made yet another gaffe. I'd been too distracted to remember to ask her where she was supposed to meet her friends.
But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her head and half-smiled.
What did that mean?
Well, I didn't have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger knowledge. I opened my door.
"What are you doing?" she asked, sounding startled.
Not letting you out of my sight. Not allowing myself to be alone tonight. In that order. "I'm taking you to dinner."
Well this should be interesting. It seemed like another night entirely when I'd imagined bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella and her friends by accident. And now, here I was, practically on a date with the girl. Only it didn't count, because I wasn't giving her a chance to say no.
She already had her door half open before I'd walked around the car--it wasn't usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speed--instead of waiting for me to get it for her. Was this because she wasn't used to being treated like a lady, or because she didn't think of me as a gentleman?
I waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued in toward the dark corner.
"Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too," I ordered quickly. "I don't think I could restrai
She shuddered, and then quickly collected herself. She took half a step after them, calling, "Jess! Angela!" in a loud voice. They turned, and she waved her arm over her head to catch their attention.
Bella! Oh, she's safe! Angela thought with relief.
Late much? Jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that Bella wasn't lost or hurt. This made me like her a little more than I had.
They hurried back, and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her.
Uh-uh! Jess thought, stunned. No freaking way!
Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him? But why would she ask about them being out of town if she knew he was here... I got a brief flash of Bella's mortified expression when she'd asked Angela if my family was often absent from school. No, she couldn't have known, Angela decided.
Jessica's thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion. Bella's been holding out on me.
"Where have you been?" she demanded, staring at Bella, but peeking at me from the corner of her eye.
"I got lost. And then I ran into Edward," Bella said, waving one hand toward me. Her tone was remarkably normal. Like that was truly all that had happened.
She must be in shock. That was the only explanation for her calm.
"Would it be all right if I joined you?" I asked--to be polite; I knew that they'd already eaten.
Holy crap but he's hot! Jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent.
Angela wasn't much more composed. Wish we hadn't eaten. Wow. Just. Wow.
Now why couldn't I do that to Bella?
"Er...sure," Jessica agreed.
Angela frowned. "Um, actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting," she admitted. "Sorry."
What? Shut up! Jess complained internally.
Bella shrugged casually. So at ease. Definitely in shock. "That's fine--I'm not hungry."
"I think you should eat something," I disagreed. She needed sugar in her bloodstream--though it smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly. The horror was going to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldn't help. She was an easy fainter, as I knew from experience.
These girls wouldn't be in any danger if they went straight home. Danger didn't stalk their every step.
And I'd rather be alone with Bella--as long as she was willing to be alone with me.
"Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight?" I said to Jessica before Bella could respond. "That way you won't have to wait while she eats."
"Uh, no problem, I guess..." Jessica stared intently at Bella, looking for some sign that this was what she wanted.
I want to stay...but she probably wants him to herself. Who wouldn't? Jess thought. At the same time, she watched Bella wink.
Bella winked?
"Okay," Angela said quickly, in a hurry to be out of the way if that was what Bella wanted. And it seemed that she did want that. "See you tomorrow, Bella...Edward." She struggled to say my name in a casual tone. Then she grabbed Jessica's hand and began towing her away.
I would have to find some way to thank Angela for this.
Jessica's car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by a streetlamp. Bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes, until they were in the car, so she must be fully aware of the danger she'd been in. Jessica waved as she drove away, and Bella waved back. It wasn't until the car disappeared that she took a deep breath and turned to look up at me.
"Honestly, I'm not hungry," she said.
Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking? Did she truly want to be alone with me--even now, after witnessing my homicidal rage?
Whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something.
"Humor me," I said.
I held the restaurant door open for her and waited.
She sighed, and walked through.
I walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited. Bella still seemed entirely self-possessed. I wanted to touch her hand, her forehead, to check her temperature. But my cold hand would repulse her, as it had before.
Oh, my, the hostess's rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. My, oh my.
It seemed to be my night to turn heads. Or was I only noticing it more because I wished so much that Bella would see me this way? We were always attractive to our prey. I'd never thought so much about it before. Usually--unless, as with people like Shelly Cope and Jessica Stanley, there was constant repetition to dull the horror--the fear kicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction...
"A table for two?" I prompted when the hostess didn't speak.
"Oh, er, yes. Welcome to La Bella Italia." Mmm! What a voice! "Please follow me." Her thoughts were preoccupied--calculating.
Maybe she's his cousin. She couldn't be his sister, they don't look anything alike. But family, definitely. He can't be with her.
Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly. How could this small-minded woman find my physical lures--snares for prey--so attractive, and yet be unable to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me?
Well, no need to help her out, just in case, the hostess thought as she led us to a family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant. Can I give him my number while she's there... ? she mused.
I pulled a bill from my back pocket. People were invariably cooperative when money was involved.
Bella was already taking the seat the hostess indicated without objection. I shook my head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity. Yes, she would be very curious tonight. A crowd was not the ideal place for this conversation.
"Perhaps something more private?" I requested of the hostess, handing her the money. Her eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed while her hand curled around the tip.
"Sure."
She peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall.
Fifty dollars for a better table? Rich, too. That makes sense-- I bet his jacket cost more than my last paycheck. Damn. Why does he want privacy with her?
She offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one would be able to see us--to see Bella's reactions to whatever I would tell her. I had no clue as to what she would want from me tonight. Or what I would give her.
How much had she guessed? What explanation of tonight's events had she told herself?
"How's this?" the hostess asked.
"Perfect," I told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude toward Bella, I smiled widely at her, baring my teeth. Let her see me clearly.
Whoa. "Um...your server will be right out." He can't be real. I must be asleep. Maybe she'll disappear... maybe I'll write my number on his plate with ketchup... She wandered away, listing slightly to the side.
Odd. She still wasn't frightened. I suddenly remembered Emmett teasing me in the cafeteria, so many weeks ago. I'll bet I could have scared her better than that.
Was I losing my edge?
"You really shouldn't do that to people," Bella interrupted my thoughts in a disapproving tone. "It's hardly fair."
I stared at her critical expression. What did she mean? I hadn't frightened the hostess at all, despite my intentions. "Do what?"
"Dazzle them like that--she's probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now."
Hmm. Bella was very nearly right. The hostess was only semi-coherent at the moment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff.
"Oh, come on," Bella chided me when I didn't answer immediately. "You have to know the effect you have on people."
"I dazzle people?" That was an interesting way of phrasing it. Accurate enough for tonight. I wondered why the difference...
"You haven't noticed?" she asked, still critical. "Do you think everybody gets their way so easily?"
"Do I dazzle you?" I voic
But before I had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered, "Frequently." And her cheeks took on a faint pink glow.
I dazzled her.
My silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than I could ever remember having felt before.
"Hello," someone said, the waitress, introducing herself. Her thoughts were loud, and more explicit than the hostess's, but I tuned her out. I stared at Bella's face instead of listening, watching the blood spreading under her skin, noticing not how that made my throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her skin...
The waitress was waiting for something from me. Ah, she'd asked for our drink order. I continued to stare at Bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too.
"I'll have a coke?" Bella said, as if asking for approval.
"Two cokes," I amended. Thirst--normal, human thirst--was a sign of shock. I would make sure she had the extra sugar from the soda in her system.
She looked healthy, though. More than healthy. She looked radiant.
"What?" she demanded--wondering why I was staring, I guessed. I was vaguely aware that the waitress had left.
"How are you feeling?" I asked.
She blinked, surprised by the question. "I'm fine."
"You don't feel dizzy, sick, cold?"
She was even more confused now. "Should I?"
"Well, I actually I'm waiting for you to go into shock." I half-smiled, expecting her denial. She would not want to be taken care of.
It took her a minute to answer me. Her eyes were slightly unfocused. She looked that way sometimes, when I smiled at her. Was she...dazzled?
I would love to believe that.
"I don't think that will happen. I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things," she answered, a little breathless.
Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then? Was her life always this hazardous?
"Just the same," I told her. "I'll feel better when you have some sugar and food in you."
The waitress returned with the cokes and a basket of bread. She put them in front of me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process. I indicated that she should attend to Bella, and then went back to tuning her out. She had a vulgar mind.
"Um..." Bella glanced quickly at the menu. "I'll have the mushroom ravioli."
The waitress turned back to me eagerly. "And you?"