Monstrato by Christopher Ganey
~~~
Hailey Moore showed up for school that day for the first time in over a week. She'd been missing a lot of school that year because her mom had quit making her go. She never got in trouble for it, though, because her mom was good friends with Tammy. At lunchtime, me and some other girls were sitting in Ms. Strauss's room talking to Hailey about things that'd happened. We were telling her how Makayla had gotten kicked out and how unfair it was because there were other kids at our school who didn't live in the district. Then Hailey started telling us this story that her mom had heard from Tammy. It was this big lie that Corena made up about how she wasn't responsible for Bobby getting stomped. Basically, Corena was saying that she never told anyone to beat up Bobby, and that Hope made up the story to get her in trouble. Well, that was all it took to get us girls stirred up.
Chelsea said, "Aw, man. She's gonna call our Hopsey here a liar?"
Hope was hunched over at a back table with her chin on a stack of books, looking cross-eyed, and running her tongue over her teeth.
Chelsea said, "I don't think we should do nothin' social with Corena ever again and see how she likes that," and we all agreed.
We said we'd never go to another school dance, which we knew would really piss off Tammy because she was all about organizing school dances. And we all vowed not to join cheerleading the next year, which meant there would be no cheerleading because Corena wouldn't want to cheer with only the unpopular girls. We all got a laugh out of that, imagining what Corena would do when she found out that none of us wanted to join cheerleading.
At this point, there were only about five minutes left in lunch. Kids were starting to come in for the next class and were waiting for us to get out of their chairs. Ms. Strauss had come into the room and was getting stuff off her desk, getting ready to go to the computer lab. So we all started getting our books together like we were about to leave. Suddenly, Tammy appeared in the room. Some girls didn't see her at first, and I could tell she spooked them. And the way Tammy walked into the room, real quiet and slow, made me think she'd been outside the door listening for a while before she came in. She had this severe look about her and stood there for a moment staring at us, not saying anything. She looked angry, like she was about to explode, but she also looked kind of sad, like she might burst into tears. It was as if she knew we'd been talking about her. And then it came.
She bent forward like a witch, pointed at us, and sneered in a low voice, "Let's get something straight. This is my school, and I'll run it the way I like." Then shaking her head, she said, "And I could care less what you girls think about it." She stood there, with her lips held tight, looking each one of us over. Then she said, "But what I do care about…" and this is where she looked like she was gonna cry, "is what you think about my daughter. And YOU better start caring about it, too." Then she raised her voice and said, "This school was created for two people. My kids. And the rest of you…you're lucky you're able to come here." Then, with her fists squeezed tight, she thrust her body forward and screamed at the top of her lungs, "I'm tired of this ingratitude! Why don't you all go back to the other school if you're so unhappy? You should be thanking me!" She paused to let this sink in, then said it again. "You should be thanking me! And the other thing I'm tired of, is hearing about you girls talking behind mine and Corena's backs, and I'm not gonna have it."
The whole school must have been listening to this because I could see people piling up outside the door, looking into the room. And Tammy was just warming up. She took a couple steps forward to where she was almost on top of us, and in a slightly lower voice, said, "Who do you think you are, sitting around here criticizing me and my family? 'Cuz all I see are a bunch of sluts and potheads who can't even come to school on time. And you think I'm gonna let you sit here and criticize ME?" Then, bringing out her thirsty bird scream, she yelled, "I MADE this school!!…You should be THANKING me…YOU should be thanking me, your PARENTS should be thanking me, and NOBODY has a right to criticize!" and she slammed her fist down on the table.
"That's enough, Tammy." The voice that came from behind Tammy sounded calm and confident. It was Ms. Strauss. She was standing at the front of the room, kind of hunched over with her arms hanging at her sides. But she was turned so that I could only see her good eye, and it was pointed right at Tammy, giving her a cold stare.
Tammy got this cross-eyed look on her face, turned to Ms. Strauss and asked, "What?"
Ms. Strauss said, "Not in my classroom. That's not how you talk to kids."
With a look of disbelief, Tammy said, "Why don't you stay out of this, Ms. Strauss, and worry about doing your job."
Tammy turned back towards us, but Ms. Strauss said, "No. You're not talking to kids that way in my classroom. It's wrong and unprofessional. They're children, and you're reprimanding them in front of everyone."
Tammy turned on her and said, "Let me remind you. This is not your classroom. It's my classroom, and you better mind your own business, you old hag."
She turned back to us once more, but Ms. Strauss raised her voice and said, "They're children, Tammy. You're talking to children!"
Tammy pointed at Ms. Strauss and said, "I'm warning you…"
I blurted out, "I don't feel like a child."
"Shut up, Macy," snapped Tammy, pointing at me. But it was true. Right then, I didn't feel anything close to being a child anymore than Tammy seemed like she was an adult.
Ms. Strauss went on, "I'm not going to let you talk to kids like this…"
"And you shut up, too!" yelled Tammy, wheeling around towards Ms. Strauss.
"I won't shut up," said Ms. Strauss. "It's wrong. You're way over the line…"
"That's IT!" screamed Tammy. "Your FIRED. Get your stuff and get out, right now. We're done with you." She stood there frozen, staring at Ms. Strauss, waiting to see if Ms. Strauss had anything else to say. Ms. Strauss just stared back at Tammy like she didn't know what to do.
Then Tammy turned, looked right at me, and said, "And Yooouuu, Macy Carpenter…I read your essay. Oh, yeah. And we're gonna take care of you. I don't know who you think you are judging me, you little slut. Who are you to question my Christianity? And what makes you think you can write that kind of garbage on a computer in MY school?"
I was shocked. She'd read my essay. I felt fear race through me and then dread and sat motionless, feeling my stomach churning. Tammy was glaring at me, looking sad and angry all at the same time. She was standing with one hand on her hip and mashing her lips together like she was waiting for me to speak and trying not to scream. I was watching her face and thinking about what I should say to defend myself while the question kept running through my head, "But how did she read my essay?"
I heard Ms. Strauss starting to protest again, saying, "I'm not gonna have it. It's wrong, Tammy…" but Tammy just ignored her.
Then I heard myself say, "I'll judge anyone I want."
"No you won't, not ME," said Tammy, shaking her head.
She was breathing heavy, but she'd lowered her voice some, which gave me confidence. I thought to myself, Well, she's already read my essay. What can happen?
I said, "Look at all the problems you've caused. Look at the people you've hurt. And we have to sit here all day and deal with it." My voice sounded weak at first, but I went on, "Ms. Strauss is right. We're supposed to be children. We're not supposed to see all this crap day in and day out."
Tammy's whole face started to curl up like she was confused. She closed her eyes, threw her head back, and started shaking it back and forth. She said, "What the hell are you talking about?"
And that got me—this fucking game they're always playing where they act like they don't know what you're talking about. I was thinking, She'd read my essay. How can she not know? I felt rage rising in me, the kind of rage where words are forming in your mind way faster than you can speak them—where you don't even have to think about what you're saying, and it all just starts pouring out. I jumped up out of my chair and yelled,
She leaned back and made this horrendous face, like she was so fucking appalled, and said, "Where do you get off talking that way to me?"
I said, "Because I can see it, Tammy, every danm day. And don't act like you don't know. You know. That's why you're always hiding in your office. That's why you're always sending other people to do your dirty work. It's why you and Corena didn't even come to school for a whole week—because you knew what you did was WRONG!"
She waved her hand through the air at me like she was irritated and said, "Why don't you just shut up and sit down," and she started to turn away.
And that's when I knew. I was getting to her. She knew that what I was saying was right, and she didn't wanna hear it—and for some reason, knowing that sent me into a blind rage. I heard myself scream—it sounded unnatural, like an animal, like one of those yip dogs on the end of chain trying to tear something apart that's five feet away. I screamed, "You're destroying people! You're destroying people, Tammy. You're destroying kids before they even have a chance to grow up!"
"Shut up," she snapped, and something changed in her face.
I could feel tears flowing down my cheeks and my whole body shaking.
I said, "You are Tammy."
"SHUT UP!"
"It's not even a school, it's a…"
She lunged forward with her finger stuck out in front of her like a weapon, shaking it at me, and yelling, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"
Suddenly, Corena came running into the room, crying and screaming in some kind of hysteria. Her face was all red, she was waving her hands in the air, and her voice sounded like a high-pitched, snot-filled screech. She ran up to her mom and said, "Why-are-you-doing-this-stay-out-of-my-life-you-have-no-business-yelling-at-my-friends-I-want-you-out-I-hate-you-why-don't-you-get-out-of-here!" And the words just came out without any spaces in between, like they were shooting out of a garden hose. Then, as if somebody had thrown a switch, Tammy flew at Corena and started screaming back at her, and it turned into a shower of chaotic, squealing noise.
I stood there watching through my tears, watching Tammy bare her teeth and stick her finger in her daughter's face, watching her lean forward on the balls of her feet with her upper body swelling up and looking like she was about to reach out with both hands and start choking Corena. And now, with their heads shaking, and both their faces turning red, and saliva coming out of their mouths, and their hands flying in the air, I felt the room starting to spin. It seemed like the building had come alive and was starting to vibrate, as if the entire school had somehow become united with Tammy—and was now beginning to sway and creek. It seemed to speak to me, saying, "Get out. Get the fuck out. Run as fast as you can." And I started to get a feeling that, at any moment, Tammy was gonna bring the whole building crashing down on us. I wanted to run. I wanted to get out before it happened, but there were too many people standing in the doorway, and I was frozen with fear.
Then suddenly, Corena stopped yelling at her mom. She let out a big, bellowing sob, turned and plowed her way through the crowd of people in the doorway, and ran out of the room. Tammy stood there for a moment, then went chasing after Corena, and when she got to the doorway, the crowd of kids parted to let her through. I could hear Tammy yelling at Corena down the hallway, but the sound grew more distant as she moved toward the offices. Then there was silence.
It was quiet—real quiet for that place. Usually, after something like that happened, kids would be busting up and getting crump, but this time it was different—there was no noise, just the smell of hot bodies. I could feel my chest heaving up and down and feel my heart beating fast, pounding in my ears. It was a strange moment as I stood there wondering what we were all listening to, wondering why everyone was so quiet. Then, as I gazed around the room, I realized what it was—because they were all staring at me. I was still standing in the same spot where I yelled at Tammy. My arms were hanging at my sides, and I could feel my hands squeezed into tight fists. Seemed like the only noise in the whole room was my own breathing—loud and heavy, like I'd just run a race. That's why they were so quiet, I thought. It was me. I guess they were all wondering what I was gonna do next.
I looked over at Ms. Strauss, who was busy stacking books and papers on her desk like she was getting ready to leave. I heard Mr. Moss in the doorway, telling everyone that lunch was over and that it was time to go to class. I noticed no one was moving. I heard Chelsea, who was sitting behind me, whisper something in her motherly, southern twang voice, something like, "You did a good job, Macy," and then Lori saying, "Yeah…yeah, that was great." Then I saw Hope sitting in the corner. She was looking right at me, looking me right in the eyes with no emotion on her face and giving me a dead cold stare. I felt confusion ringing in my ears…I couldn't figure it out…it was as if…as if what I had done was…and that's when I knew I had to get out of there.
I started moving towards the door, trying not to hurry but wanting to real bad. The floor felt hard under my feet, and the air felt dense as I made my way between the tables. When I got to the doorway, just as they'd done for Tammy, the crowd of kids parted to let me through. I walked through the crowd, feeling their breath on me and their stares, and I felt claustrophobic and creepy all over. I started walking down the hall, feeling nervous and agitated, feeling like I needed to get out of the building, right away, before something stopped me. It was like I was in one of those dreams where you're trying to get somewhere and the harder you try to get there, the farther away it seems. As I moved down the hall, I could feel the eyes of students and teachers on my back, watching me, judging me, and I started to walk faster. Then I saw Mrs. Garrison standing outside of her classroom with her head cocked to the side, looking concerned, but I ignored her and went on by. I was almost to the double doors, beyond those were the offices and the front doors of the school. I was running now, not thinking about what I was doing or why. But then, as I approached the double doors, I could see Tammy through the glass, standing in front of her office with her arms crossed, scowling. I felt myself slow down. Then I felt a flash of hatred in my stomach, and I sped up, my body aching to lash out. As I pushed through the doors, words began pouring from my mouth.
I yelled, "This school isn't the only thing you screwed up, Tammy!" I stopped walking and stood there feeling exhilarated. I looked right at her and said, "Maybe you should take a look at that girl inside your office and ask yourself how she became such a FREAK?"
Tammy sucked in air, making a choking noise in her throat. I watched her mouth drop open and her eyes grow big. At the same time, I heard a high pitched scream come from inside the office. Tammy was turning red. She gritted her teeth at me and sneered, "YOUUU!!!…Then she charged me. She put her fist up in the air, brought it down on top of my head, and started swinging at me wildly. At first I covered up by putting my arms in front of my face and bowing my head. All her punches were landing on my arms and head and not causing much damage. I thought she would stop, I was waiting for her to stop, but she didn't, and it seemed to go on for a long time. Then I felt something move in me like it always does when you're in a fight and you know there's only one way out. I came up swinging and landed four or five jabs right in her face, which sent her stumbling backwards. I pulled back my fist and tried to take a big chunk out of her, but I missed because she was still moving backwards. So I stepped forward and, just as she caught her balance, I landed one right on her nose, sending her back on her heels. I took another step forward and was ready to let fly when Kearns grabbed me from behind and pulled me away. At the same time, Mrs. Bouchard jumped in front of Tammy and grabbed her, causing Tammy to let out a terrific scream. I didn't struggle with Kearns. I let him pull me away, and so after a moment, he let go of me, and I stood there watching
She had blood running out of her nose and down her chin. She was pointing at me and screaming hysterically to the point where her voice was going hoarse. Her hands had turned into claws that tore and scratched at Mrs. Bouchard as she tried to get around her. Her face had turned into something I didn't even recognize, something hideous and sad. And her eyes had grown so big and white, they looked like they might fall out of her head. She looked like she'd lost her mind. She started slapping at Mrs. Bouchard, saying "Get your hands off of me. Let go of me. Let me go!" Then she started reaching out for me, yelling, "Come here. Come here, you bitch. I'm gonna kill you…" and even though I wasn't anywhere close to her, I felt myself take a step backward. Finally, Mrs. Bouchard grabbed Tammy around the chest and picked her up, just like she was picking up a four-year-old throwing a tantrum, and carried her into the office.
And now, just inside the office door, I could see Corena. She was standing there with her mouth hanging open, her eyes were glazed over, and she had this dreamy look on her face, almost like she was smiling, like she was in shock. Mr. Moss walked over and shut the office door, but you could still hear Tammy screaming inside.
Kearns put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Why don't you go to my classroom, Macy," but I turned and started walking towards the front doors of the school.
He reached out and grabbed my arm, but I yanked my arm away and said, "Get your hands off of me, Kearns. I don't have to go to your room."
I kept walking and he followed behind, saying, "Come on, Macy, you can't leave," but he was dead wrong, because that was the one thing I was for sure gonna do. I was walking out of that psycho, toxic waste dump of a school, and I knew, after I left, I was never coming back. Because, you see, school isn't a prison with bars. It's a prison of relationships. And seeing how I was sixteen years old, I'd decided to end that relationship right then and there. When I got to the front doors, I leaned forward and, with all my might, banged the bar with both hands. The door swung open and I walked out of the building.
It was bright outside and the air smelled cool and fresh. I took deep breaths and felt blood flowing through my arms and legs. I kept moving, heading towards the parking lot, not knowing where I was going but just wanting to get away. I could feel a ton of emotion breaking loose inside me and rising up through my chest. I knew what was coming—a big cry—and I wanted to be as far away from that school as I could be when that happened. Kearns was walking behind me, still trying to talk to me and telling me I should come back inside. I felt irritation and anger race through my veins. I turned on him and yelled, "I'm never going back in that building again, ever!" He stopped walking and stared at me like he was scared to come closer. Then I saw a sad look come over his face, and he turned and walked back inside.
I walked between the cars, across the gravel, and between some more cars until I was standing next to the muddy cornfield at the edge of the parking lot. I just wanted to go home. That's all I wanted. It seemed more important than anything, at that moment, that I should get to my house. And I had that feeling like I could be there in just a few minutes if I kept moving, even though I knew it'd take over a half hour to walk home. But I also knew that, sixteen or not, soon as I left the campus, they'd probably call the police, and the police were the last people I wanted to deal with. I still had my cell phone in my pocket from lunch, so I pulled it out and called my mom.
I waited, listening to her phone ringing, feeling anxious, almost panicked, thinking that she might not pick up. When she finally answered, I burst into tears and said, "Mom, you gotta come pick me up right now, 'cause I gotta get out of here."
She asked, "What's going on? Are you at school?"
"Yeah!…Mom, you either come get me or I'm gonna start walking."
"Oh no. You're staying at school. Are you in trouble again?"
"No!!!" I yelled, "Just come pick me up, now!…Really!"
"Well, I need to know what happened. Why are you crying?"
"I can't explain right now. Just come get me." I was crying so hard I could hardly talk.
"Well, I can't just leave work and…"
"Please, Mom, I need you. You've got to do this. You don't have a choice."
"Jesus, Macy, what the hell's going on?"
"Aaeeeeyyy!!" I screamed. I was so frustrated and fucking angry, I wanted to throw my phone.
I said, "Pleeeeaaase!"
"Macy! You gotta explain to me what the problem is…"
"Pleeeaaase, Mom, Pleeeeaaase…"
She said, "Oh, god. All right." She sounded pissed. "I'll be there, but this time, I'm gonna find out exactly what happened…Dammit!" and she hung up the phone.
I leaned up against a car and started wiping the tears out of my eyes. I was thinking to myself, It's finally over, hoping it was over. Then I saw Mr. Moss come out of the building and start walking towards me. As I watched him crossing the parking lot, I knew what he was gonna say and what he was gonna try to do. And that's when I realized just how angry I still was.
He walked up to me and said, "Are you all right, Macy?" but he used a tone of voice that made me think he didn't care.
"Go to hell!" I said
He said, "Macy, let's go back inside so we can talk about this." When he said that, I wanted to pop him because it was always the same with these fools trying to set things right for Tammy, always trying to clean up her mess.
I said, "Leave me the fuck alone."
He said, "Hey, you don't need to talk to me that way." Then he got real stern and started using his discipline officer voice, saying, "What you need to do right now, is come back inside and cool off…"
I screamed, "I'm not doing it, and you can't make me! I'm waiting for my mom." Then I stepped towards him, stuck my finger in his face, and said, "You can't get me in trouble anymore. You wanna suspend me, expel me, then you can talk to my mom when she shows up. But you motherfuckers aren't in charge of me anymore. You're not up to the job!"
He pushed my hand out of his face. Then he leaned forward, puffed himself up, and said, "Hey, I know you got problems with Tammy, but this is still a school, and you're our responsibility…"
"Responsible for what? Don't give me that shit. It's all Tammy's fault, and all of you stand by and let it happen—because you're weak and scared, and you know it! So bug off, Moss!" I turned away from him. Then I had another thought, and I turned back around and said, "Or why don't you call the police, seeing how I'm supposed to be in there, but I'm out here. Why don't you call the police, or do you want me to do it for you? How 'bout I do that, right now."
He said, "Relax, Macy…"
I said, "No, it's not a problem. I've got my cell phone right here." I watched him turn and start walking back towards the school, shaking his head.
I leaned back on the car again and felt my body shaking. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to be so fucking far away from that place and I felt like, not until then, would I be able to calm down. Then I thought I was gonna be sick. I took deep breaths and tried to breath slowly, but I was still so angry. And being out there in the parking lot by myself with no one to yell at, I felt like waves of adrenaline were surging through my body. I wanted to run or smash something or burst out of the invisible cage that I felt was all around me. I jumped away from the car and banged my hand down on the hood as hard as I could. Then I started stomping around in the gravel, holding my hand in pain. For a moment, I was afraid I'd just broken it, and I held it for a while, cussing. Then, as the pain started to go away, I bent over, put my hands on my knees, and started bawling. Tears were pouring out of my eyes onto the ground, and I felt a terrible sadness coming on. I started asking myself, "What have I done? What have I done?…" Then I started seeing snapshots of the people in the building, of Mr. Moss, and Kearns, and Ms. Strauss, and the other teachers, and then Corena with tears running down her face looking confused and helpless, and Hope giving me that cold stare. And as each new person entered my mind, I felt a rush of guilt and regret, like I'd just d
When my mom arrived, I walked over to where she was parking the car, and by the time I got there, I was crying again. She got out and put her arms around me. I started sobbing, and I let her hug me for a long time. I tried to explain to her what happened, but I couldn't because all the emotion started coming back.
She said, "You don't have to explain, Macy. I already called Gina Bouchard, and she told me what happened. Why don't you wait here, and I'm gonna go talk to them." Then she asked, "You gonna be okay?" and I nodded my head. She started to walk away, but then she turned back around, grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "You're my little girl, Macy, and I love you. I really do. And we're gonna take care of this."
All I could say was, "Okay."
She gave me another hug and said, "It's gonna be all right, honey," and something about the way she said it made me want to believe her. I watched her march across the parking lot up to the front doors of the school and go inside. I remember thinking how brave she was when I saw her going into that building. Because, right then, it looked to me like she was walking through the gates of Hell.
I opened the door of my mom's car, climbed into the passenger seat, leaned my head back against the headrest, and closed my eyes. Then I felt my mind go numb. It wasn't my problem anymore, it was my mom's, and I was so relieved to let her deal with it. I sat there wiping my eyes, feeling the tension starting to leave my body. It was quiet and peaceful, and I could feel myself sliding back into that same zoned-out state I was in when I first came to school that day, where my mind was free. I listened to the wind blowing between the cars and the voices of elementary kids playing on the playground. I remember the sound of those kids. It was relaxing, like the sound of birds chirping in the trees, and I wanted to stay right there feeling that way for a long time. Then I heard a noise, and when I looked, I saw an old, rusted minivan creeping out of the parking lot. It was Ms. Strauss. She didn't see me sitting there. She was hunched over the steering wheel, staring straight ahead with that same mean expression on her face that I saw on the first day I met her.
I sat there for a long time, waiting. I even put the seat back and turned sideways and got comfortable, hoping to take a nap. But I couldn't sleep and, after a while, I began to wonder what was going on inside the school. Then I heard another noise and saw a cop car pull into the parking lot and two officers get out and go inside. That got me curious, and I shifted in my seat so I could keep my eyes on the front of the school. Next, I saw Corena come flying out of the building, jump in her car, and go tearing out of the parking lot with a cloud of dust swirling behind her.
I waited some more. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, I saw one of the doors swing open and my mom come marching out. I watched her stomp across the gravel talking to herself, and I could tell she was pissed. She yanked open the door, hopped behind the wheel, slammed the door, and said, "Those goddamn cops. They're too fucking scared to put handcuffs on Tammy. They're gonna let her drive herself down to the police station to be charged." She jammed on the gas, and our car was throwing rocks all over the place as we started to leave the parking lot. Then just as quickly, she jammed on the brakes and said, "Shit…I gotta go get Justin. Wait here."
~~~End~~~
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